Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Character Donations #39-43

The Hangmen.

Good lord, who's responsible for putting this bunch in the DCU?

Like any good Marvel X-group, they are carefully composed for ethnogeographic diversity (an American, a Japanese, a Puerto Rican, and, yes, I know Puerto Ricans are Americans, a Russian, and a *snort* "sadistic Australian"). They each have a stupid "Compoundnoun"-type codename (Breathtaker!, Provoke!, Stranglehold!, Shock Trauma!, and, gods help me say it, Killshot!) based on how they kill people.

  • Killshot! Ooo, an EVIL Cyborg! An evil RUSSIAN Cyborg! "Killshot" is what should happen to whoever came up with that name.
  • Shock Trauma! Ooo, an EVIL Static Shock! An evil JAPANESE Static Shock! What kind of moron names himself "Shock Trauma"? Maybe it sounds better in Japanese.
  • Stranglehold! She's EIGHT FOOT TALL. Guess how she kills people? Me, I'd be more likely to hire a guy with a gun. Eight foot tall woman comes running up to strangle you-- you can either shoot her or just jump in a Volkwagen or an elevator car.
  • Provoke! He makes people want to kill themselves! Obviously a power he inherited from the writer.
  • Breathtaker! She sucks wind! Well, no argument there.

I swear whoever comes up with these crappy groups must create boy bands as a second job ("You, you'll be the one with Mental Powers." "Um, no, I'm the Cute One, sir..."). These people are supposed to be "the next generation in assassins", and they'd be laughed out of Legion Try-Outs in one panel: "I'm sorry, your power of super-wind-sucking would be useless during our conflicts in airless space! Next!"

I'm pretty sure that they only appeared one time in the DCU (Teen Titans 21/22) ... then the editors came back from lunch. Ship this motley crew off to Marvel where they can become some sort of X-villains, because in the DCU they are nothing but "Why?-villains".


Anonymous said...

In some ways, your "donations" match the kind of things that are often fobbed off to the Salvation Army or the church basement: broken, outdated, garish things that no one will ever buy, certainly not at _these_ prices.

Anonymous said...

> Maybe it sounds better in
> Japanese.

No, if it was Japanese he woulud have been called something like Hamburger Bunnyrabbit or Prince Sparkletoes or something.

Kitty said...

One time my friend and I were waiting for a late train, and just for the hell of it we came up with, on the spot, a totally generic and predictable superteam, the kind you see in a double-page spread with captions for each of their names and loads of motion lines. Ravage (cynical killing machine leader)! Firewood (some kind of pyro energy guy, probably had plasma blasts)! Dethblow (the muscle)! Transmo (the shapeshifter)! Lady Synisteria (the woman)!

These guys remind me so much of that little exercise it's sad.

Scipio said...

You know, Kitty...

I think you and friend have inspired me to do something.

Watch for it, because you'll be mentioned.

Kitty said...


Mocking disposable villains RULES.

Anonymous said...

They are indeed very claremontian. In the final issue of Sovereign Seven, it was revealed the characters had never existed and they all went back to St.Elsewhere/Franklin Richards'brain.