Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The Frog Becomes Deaf

I have been reading a few of DC's old "Elseworlds" tales lately (to help me understand the new DC Heroclix set "Elseworlds").  Although they are certainly often imaginative, they often miss the mark.  Great concepts, executed...non-greatly. 

One such is The Blue, The Grey, and The Bat (1992), which I probably wouldn't have bought if I had noticed it was written by Elliot Maggin.  Elliot "S!" Maggin has much to answer for, writing-wise, such as crap like Magic Monday, Starwinds Howl, "The Headband Warriors of Krypton", and titling both "Costume, Costume, Who's Got the Costume?" and "Villain, Villain, Who's Got the Costume?".  Shudder.

On Earth-Prime, we have a name for that "invisible aura of radiation around Elliot Maggin" and his writing, but I'm too polite to specify it.

Still, I was determined to plow through The Blue, The Grey, and the Bat, a very complicated story of undercover agent Colonel Bruce Wayne on assignment from President Lincoln in the Old West.  

And then I reached this panel:

Which stopped me DEAD in my tracks.  

Why? Because I recognized the joke that Colonel Wayne is telling the punchline from.

Where did I recognize it from?  From the time the Joker told it in the only Elliot Maggin story I've ever enjoyed:  "Luthor, You're Driving Me Sane" (The Joker, 1977).

Now you know what the Joker looks like in an afro-wig; you're welcome.

Well played, Mr. Maggin.  An impressive (and gloriously gratuitous) call-back, some fifteen years later.

Unless, of course, it's just the only joke Elliot Maggin knows.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Heroclix Custom of the Week: The Arrowcar

Wizkids Games has done an astonishingly good job over the years of producing Heroclix figures of DCU characters (and some other stuff, I guess) for their signature tabletop game.

But occasionally I like to add to their existing options by creating custom Heroclix figures of characters Wizkids has NOT created (yet).  Usually these customs are based on existing dials of other characters; that way, I can repurpose figures I would never use with ones that evoke delight.

This week's offering is the ever-ridiculous Arrowcar!

Just as in the Golden Age Green Arrow stories, this Arrowcar can take a beating, run roughshod over hindering terrain, convert into a submersible for underwater adventure, and give Green Arrow a boost on long-ranged attacks.  But most important (because it is based on one of Yugio's many absurd characters 'the Catapult Turtle'), it has the ability TO HURL OLLIE UP TO THE ROOFTOPS, where he can shoot off an arrow as he lands.

Assuming he doesn't smash face first into the side of building, of course.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

100 Faces of Jean Loring

1.  "I'm not really Jean Loring, I just play one on teevee" face

2.  "We'll just blooming SEE" face

3.  Explanation-Demanding face
4.  Full-Blown Paranoiac Fit Face

5.  Sweetly Nostalgic Face

6.  "I killed Mary Tyler Moore and now wear her skin" face

7.  "Marlo Thomas was next" face

8.  "YOU'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME!" face

9.  "I don't know what I'll do if you're not in my life, but I sure as hell intend to find out soon" face

10.  "I dig Ivy University" face

11.  "Oh, and you don't know how to handle the CAR right, either" face

12.  "Should I stab him with the pencil now or wait til later when he's asleep?" face

13.  "HAHAHAHA you don't really think this will HOLD me, do you?" face

14.  "I will hug you and pet you and call you George" face

15.  "I swear to god if you put the wrong kind of sweetener in that coffee I will slap you into next Wednesday" face

16.  "Tee hee, another fan letter from the Joker" face

17.  "Oh, you're too late I've already swallowed Ray!" face

18.  PTUU! face

19.  "I'm from a civilized country, you scum" face

20.  "If I skinned the Riddler for this dress, imagine what I'll do to you" face

21.  "I'm in command of this starship now, ANY OBJECTIONS?!" face

22.  "I--I broke my flamethrower" face

23.  Succubus Face

24.  "Thanks to my hand mirror I have just enough advance warning to cut Ray off with some vicious remark RIGHT before he proposes to me" face

25.  "I Can Shove a Roller through Your Eye and into Your Brain Before You can Blink" face

26.  Growing Paranoia Face

27.  "There's a sale on flamethrowers?!?!" face

28.  "With this evidence I can send them ALL to the chair!" face

29.  Queen Jean is pissed! face

30.  "And for god's sake, Ray, put your clothes back on" face

31. I'm Having That Awesome Dream Where I'm a Romulan Spy Again face

32.  "Jean Loring is tired of tiny phones and the tiny men who come out of them" face

33.  EEEEEEEE Face

34.  "You are so ****ing native" face

35.  "Who has just sacrificed his life by waking Jean Loring?" face

36.  "And I also broke his tiny little body which is here in my hand" face

37.  "Ray, today is a good day TO DIE!" face

38.  "What? What're YOU gonna do?" face

39.  Acting Oddly face

40.  The Heh heh No One Will Ever Suspect Me face

41.  "SALUTE MY BOOTS!" face

42.  "Huh, I look almost normal today" face


44.  "FLICK YOU!" face

45.  The Face I'll use to seduce the Spectre and make him destroy all magic in the universe and step on Atlantis so hard that GOD HIMSELF will directly intervene and put me into a personal orbiting prison around the sun because ONLY GOD HIMSELF dares tangle with Jean Loring

46.  "I'm about to *PTUU* on you, little man, and after you have lapped that up, you will thank me and ask for more" face

47.  "You have a full line of flamethrowers in stock...AND you're open all night?!" face

48.  "You're a dead man, Gordon, do you hear me? A DEAD MAN!" face

49.  "I look less scary as a Black Lantern than I did when I was alive" face

50.  "Do you have ANY idea what will happen to you if you say no, Pedro?" face

51.  "If you think Queen Jean fears bondage you are in for rude awakening" face

52.  "THIS, people, is bondage, and I did this TO MYSELF" face

53.  "The best part about being a lawyer is seeing people's faces when I tell them they are disinherited" face

54.  "Do you mind, I'm on the phone laughing with my mother about your sorry performance in the sack" face

55.  "Goddammit, Ray, check your appointment calendar, it's pirate dominatrix cosplay night" face 

56.  "EVERYONE is in trouble when I call you 'Raymond', Raymond" face

57.  "Will shrinking help you when I throw you to that attacking shark?" face

58.  "Why, oh, why does the white man litter by throwing garbage from his automobiles in this, my homeland?"

59.  "Speaking of 'nukers' I'm pretty sure I could fit your pretty little head into a microwave oven" face

60.  Atomic Ice-Cream Headache Face

61.  "Queen Jean is frightened" face

62.  "I hope you like microphone, buddy, because you're about to eat that one" face

63.  Weeping Specter of Adulthood Responsibilities face

64.  "Now serving VICTIM #1158!" face

65.  "I'd rip the skin off your face!" face

66.  "And you should probably take my wish VERY seriously if you don't want to lose that hand" face


68.  "You wouldn't think it's funny if you could see my face" face

69.  "It's called decolletage, you scum" face

70.  "Struggling desperately to stifle a scream" face

71.  "By the time I'm done with you, you'll beg for death at the hands of Dr. Spectro" Face

72.  "Oh, god, it's Ray" face

73.  "Sometimes I like to make-believe I'm Pamela Isley" face

74.  Transquartomuralistic Relentless Terminator Face

75.  "If you put your tongue in me I swear to god I'll bite it off and spit it back in your face" face

76.  "IT TICKLES!" face

77.  "At last I meet you, my rival, face to face, that is, until I rip YOUR face off with my teeth" face

78.  " 'Queen Jean' if you please!" face

79.  "Did I remember to put that severed head back in the refrigerator?" face

80.  "I am SO glad I had Ray's severed head laminated" face

81.  "My name is Jean Loring and you can start screaming it right NOW" face

82.  "And by 'it' I mean YOUR LIFE" face

83.  "Bunnies are sweet and innocent and harmless and everyone will love me if I'm a bunny" face

84.  The Face of Using Your Insecurities as My Warm Blanket While I Sleep Uncaringly Through Your Emotional Trauma

85.  "Sad when I think about what I'm going to do to you for not trusting me" face
86.  "I hate comic books and everyone who reads them" face

87.  "I love you like I love chocolate Easter bunnies" face

88.  "Your science-fiction gimmicks do not impress me, little man" face

89.  The "Goddammit I forgot my necklace of human ears at home again and now I have to make another" face

90.  "I'm just so much HAPPIER now that I'm Eclipso" face

91.  "One more word about that and I'll bite your face off" face

92.  "Dammit, his pulse is still too strong" face

93.  "But if this little bird, or you, are lying to me I will roast and eat one or both of you" face

94.  Nursing a Stiff Drink Face

95.  "Well, 'THEY" had better hope I never find out who they are" face

96.  The Last Face that Poor Man Ever Saw

97.  "Stop pointing that phony fountain pen at me, you lunatic!" face

98.  "Waiter, the ice has diluted my drink, please bring me more human blood" face

99.  "If my flamethrower kills you, judge, and I freshly after the fact tender you the flamethrower, you will be without recourse against me" face

100.  "How can anyone for even a minute have ever questioned my total insanity?" face