Speed Saunders and the Hilton Diamond 2: Getting the 411!

When last we left Speed (and his new tagalong, "Jim", Son of Corpse), he was following up on a hunch (as he often does).

"Later"?  Is this the Hunch Following or AFTER the Hunch Following?  Even a veteran of Speed Saunders stories such as I has trouble holding on as the plot roars along at breakneck Speed.

Pause for a moment to appreciate the worldliness of Speed Saunders, who recognizes by sight the Biggest Diamond Merchant in Europe, Elias Brent.  As well as the natural Ace Investigator skills his sidekick is quickly acquiring. 

"HAVE HIS STOMACH PUMPED!"  

"Let's not rush things, Jim..."

I guess it helps that Brent is DRESSED European; the bowler, the wing collar, the cravate, the carnation, the dress gloves.  If he had a mustache I'd assume he was Nikola Tesla, just coming back to his hotel from feeding the pigeons.

Also, Nik didn't have a scar (thanks to those big rubber shoes he worn in the lab).

You know what used to be VERY easy back in the day, before credit cards? Lodging under an assumed name. It happens all the time in old movies.

A diagonal scar? I thought he just had well-defined cheekbones. Well, such is Golden Age art.

Turns out Mr. Brent is posing as... MR. BRANDON. Whatever that means.

Note this part of the panel very well:

You see, Room 411 is located directly BELOW Room 511; it's a plot point and this panel foreshadows that.  Such is Golden Age art!

Next we get one of my favorite Speed Saunders quotes, one that I use myself all the time:

"I'm from Headquarters."

Headquarters? Headquarters of what? It doesn't matter; of EVERYTHING.  Whatever the relevant authority is, Speed is from its Headquarters.  

Speed and Jim go to 411 for some information.

For those who keep track of such things; this bellhop may be the only black person in a Speed Saunders story.  

Where Speed discovers the most non-descript generic coffee cups imaginable.

Which Jim somehow manages to immediately and unquestionably identify as belonging to his father.  Maybe that's his dad's lipstick? 

I think "generic" undersells it; these are the very instantiations of the Platonic Ideal of Coffee Cup.

This story, by the way, is in the exact period when melamine cups and dishes were being popularized among American consumers.  Jim's dad was HIP.

Before we, the readers, can even think of asking, "Who on earth TRAVELS with their own coffee cups?!", Speed focuses on some... napkins? Wax paper? Receipts?  Proto-postit notes?  Lipstick blotters? Who can tell?

WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR, SPEED, TELL US QUICKLY BEFORE--

SUDDENLY A SHOT RINGS OUT!

Okay, fine; NOW I can tell it's a scar.

Thus did the Biggest Diamond Merchant in Europe, Elias Brent (whom we are apparently now calling by his pseudonym, "Brandon") shoot both Speed and Jim to death, may they rest in peace.  Don't mess with the Antwerp mafia!

Tomorrow: We pay our final respects to Speed Saunders (and his sidekick, Jim).

Speed Saunders and the Hilton Diamond, 1: A Locked Room Mystery

 Meanwhile, in Detective #18, we find:

We join this episode of Speed Saunders, already in progress!

Yes, this is the first panel.  Speed has work to do and can't wait around for you to catch up.

Who is the corpse? Who's the non-chalant blond kid?  Does getting a chemical report involve stomach-pumping?  Who knows! It's Speed Saunders, just run with it...

So, the blond kid nonchalantly staring at the corpse is the corpse's son.  But, because English has no clear way to distinguish between an appositive and a vocative, it's perfectly ambiguous whether Jim is name of the corpse or of the corpse's son. Or both.

Something big and dangerous, Speed? Like.... a bear? Do you think the diamond merchant was shot by a bear?  Or maybe a talking gorilla, like the one you fought before?  Curious to see where this hunch takes you!

Turns out, this is a "locked room" mystery.

"He entertained someone?"
"Sorry to have to break it to you, kid, but... 
your father was a veritable strumpet."

"Your father was not ready for bed." He looks pretty ready to me, Speed. He's wearing a robe and lying in bed.  But if he did commit suicide, would he really "get ready for bed" first?  Pretty sure that's not a thing suicides do. "Must remember to set the alarm before I shoot myself; wouldn't want to oversleep!"

Speed, however, is not some methodical fanciful fop like Hercule Poirot; Speed is an active action-oriented fop.  As such, Speed does not have time or patience for "locked room" mysteries and so dismisses THAT part IMMEDIATELY.

There was a time when you needed a key to lock a door from the inside, as weird as that now seems.  That's the time Speed lives in.

Jim -- or is it Jim Junior? -- is disconsolate.  Having lost his father, in his despair he naturally chooses Speed as a role model and immediately starts to look like him.

In mere moments, Jim Junior's transformation into Speed Junior is nearly complete.

Speed Junior would later become a founding member of the Teen Ace Investigators, along with Slap Bradley, Denise Colt, and Coco, Maid of Disguise.

Speed has a hunch!  Let's see how THAT turns out...

JuJuBit Profile: The Penny Plunderer

Naturally, I had to make myself a special sculpt of Joe Coyne, the Penny Plunderer, who is the epitome of a one-shot Golden Age thematic villain and source of the Batcave's Giant Penny. Honestly, who DOESN'T love the Penny Plunderer?

Sigh. I really DO deserve to get a better digital camera.

The sculpt was created on JuJuBit using this pic:

As I've said before, it's a crying shame that John Astin played The Riddler on Batman'66, when Joe Coyne is so clearly the part he was born to play.

I already have a previous Joe Coyne custom Heroclix, so I needed a new dial for the new sculpt.  I wanted a dial that would be a useful support piece rather than a strong one that could successfully take on Batman as a team centerpiece.

Because taking on Batman didn't turn out very well for Joe.

I specifically wanted him to be a useful assistant for Two-Face, Batman's (MUCH) more prominent coin-related villain.  So I chose the one dial almost perfectly designed (unintentionally, I assume) as a complement to Two-Face: 

The Gambler has TWO "coin-flipping" mechanics handy, one of which lets Two-Face re-do a coin flip (and Two-Face figures almost always have some sort of mechanic that depends on a coin flip).  Giving Two-Face a second chance whenever he flips a coin to do something in the game can be a very useful ability, indeed!

Once I "rebrand" this dial, it looks like this:

He doesn't naturally have the "Batman Enemy Team Ability" but he does have the "Team Player" Team ability (that's the question mark in the circle) that allows him to copy the Team Abilities of other friendly figures.  That lets him "borrow" the Batman Enemy TA from another figure (such as Two-Face).  His regular powers, without going into detail about them are general about be fast-acting, sneaky, and LUCKY (or unlucky, as the case may be), which is not a bad match with the Penny Plunderer.

His 'coin-re-flipping' power might also come in handy if I play him with the actual Giant Penny.

I'm not sure the Giant Penny would really be helpful, but it sure would feel good thematically.!

Red, White, and Blue Arrow, 4

 When last we left Speedy and Blue Arrow, they were plunging to their rocky cliffside doom, having been outwitted by some cheap hood named "Bronco Bates" with the old "there ain't no balcony" trick.

"Muttley! DO SOMETHIIIING!"

Obviously, they are goners.

Fortunately, Blue Arrow is oblivious to the obvious.

Can Blue Arrow make such a miracle shot?

Hm... No.  I'm pretty sure you DO like to brag, Blue Arrow, given that this is the first thing you say, even before swinging to safety.

Again, this seems to me like bog-standard Green Arrowing, but, based on Golden Age principles, if you are told something is a Miracle Shot, then it IS a Miracle Shot. One that is not only life-saving, but one which enables a surprise counterattack against Bronco Bates and his baleful buddies.

"Blue Arrow! You're back!"
"Yes, I almost broke it!"
See, B.A., THAT would have been witty.  
This is why you won't be in the JSA. 

So Blue Arrow is: exceedingly confident, gives solid smack talk, is stupidly gullible, and makes crazily expert shots on the regular.  I guess we have a winner!

At least that's what Blue Arrow thinks; Speedy has another idea, however.

"Say WHUT?!"
Awesome catchphrase, Blue Arrow.

I will not mention the little dervish doll, or the clay pipe, or the Made in China pot. But I will note that these multicolored archers seem to have been given deep access to Arrow Stuff (including the Trophy Room), which is in Ollie's house. Or apartment. Or Arrowcave.  The Golden Age was very vague about such things.  Are they all told Green Arrow's secret identity?  How would you handle such logistics without or before giving away the secret identity?

Well, we'll never know, BECAUSE...

Speedy has decided to slowly denude Blue Arrow with repeated shots that whiz tantalizing close to his body. As a test of his... bravery. 

"And, trust me, I am watching your body closely to see whether your muscles are quivering!"
Sure, Roy.  Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Wait, why is Blue Arrow wearing green underwear? OH, NO....

IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG!

Yup.

There never WAS a Red, White, or Blue Arrow.  Each one was just Ollie, dickishly deceiving Roy, while -- AMAZINGLY -- wearing a full Green Arrow costume UNDER his Other Colored Arrow costume.  Honestly, that's more impressive than any of those trick shots.  At least explains why Ollie gave the "other" Arrows unfettered access to his Arrow Stuff.

But then who were those guys at the archery contest?

... Good question, Roy.

Turns out they were NPCs that Ollie just willed into existence, like they were bystanders generated by a special power on his Heroclix card.

Their names are unimportant; only my deception matters.

This is dizzying in its implications.  Does OLLIE have an archery club, and, if so, isn't that unhealthy for his secret?  Does GREEN ARROW have an archery club and how has that never been a plot point before or since?  Does Roy not KNOW the people in this club well enough to see through the disguises? Does Roy not know OLLIE well enough to see through the disguises? When, why, and how did Ollie become a master of disguise and mimicry (while falling to his death)?

Is Ollie being a dick, teaching Roy a lesson, like a Silver Age Superman hoodwinking Lois Lane "for her own good"?  Is Ollie becoming wisely humble, knowing that he needs to earn Roy's trust again?  Can you earn someone's trust by deceiving them? Is this the incident that leads Ollie to inspire the "Green Arrows of the World" group eight years later?  Is this the initial crack in an obviously broken relationship whose disintegration will eventually lead Roy to dissipation in an opium den? What IS going on here?

Regardless, the lesson YOU must learn is: Golden Age writers do not care. They are about tricking you and subverting expectations, not creating logical sequences of events.  They used this potential rich and resonant story concept -- a sidekick comes to the difficult realization that his mentor is slipping and forces the selection of a replacement -- not for pathos but for unrealistic and childish trickery.  The Green Arrow writers patted themselves on the back for fooling a bunch of ten-year-old readers and then left for an early three-martini lunch at Delmonico's, confident that no one will be questioning their wisdom or their morals after reading this story, let alone 70 years after it was written.

Red, White, and Blue Arrow 3

We left Speedy with a very successful Red Arrow, who seems to have proven that he's not only as good as Green Arrow "in his prime", but possibly BETTER.  Terrific, in fact.

Desaturated Arrow here has Ollie-level overconfidence.

Together the archers notice that there's "nothing much doing in the city".  Which, well... it's Star City.  What do you expect?  So effective has Green Arrow been -- in his prime -- that all crime has been driven past the city's edge!

Ollie always used the 'slow' gate, because he didn't realize it referred to cars.

But only and exactly to the edge of the city, since the very toll-gates on the bridge are currently being robbed!  

What are the odds?

I make fun of the Arrowcar catapult because it's absurd, but using it this way when there's no vertical distance to transverse is especially idiotic.  Jeez, bridge trolls, just SHOOT them while they're inbound.   Instead they whoosh away in their bandit car.

A siren arrow? Who's going to be dumb enough to fall for that?

Well, now we know how dumb you have to be to be a crook in Star City.

This silly trick turns our bridge tolls back to run over dem two arrow characters down with their car.

That reminds me; isn't Green (or Red, or White, or Blue) Arrow exactly the WRONG name?  Why isn't he simply called Green ARCHER?  Who names themselves after the weapon they use? I mean, Wild Dog doesn't call himself "Stray Bullet", does he?

I would totally support him if he wanted to, though.

Anyway, the archer bros have to come up with a plan to stop a vehicle barreling down on them.

Spike Arrow is Green Arrow's tough cousin from the wrong side of the tracks.

Aren't ALL arrows "spike arrows"? In any case, it's a solid plan and works handily, giving Roy another chance to disrespect Ollie.

"when he was good."
Dang, Roy is casually savage. I love that about him.

A desperate crook risks a deadly jump from the bridge, but White Arrow is equal to the emergency.

Not only is White Arrow sensational, you can wear him with anything.

You may notice that the set-up for the White Arrow's outing was given less 'screen-time' than Red Arrow's. This is a very typical and efficient pattern in Golden Age stories where events (such as crimes, villain encounters, etc.) often come in threes.  If the first event is, say, three panels, the second will be two, and third will be one.  Once you know this 3-2-1 trope, you'll notice it in lots of Golden Age storytelling.  Based on this pattern, Blue Arrow should come on with little to no intro.

BOOM.

"No, no, it's my eyes!" really seems like a comment that would have been more appropriate when hideous Red Arrow appeared, but I guess not everyone likes blue.

B.A.'s got the swagger and is efficient.

And he's on point with his trick arrow use!  As good as Green Arrow...
was when he was good.

Unfortunately, Blue Arrow is also as GULLIBLE as Green Arrow:

As you'll recall, The Octopus got Ollie with a similar trick.

Roy, being astute (and second in line) manages to stop himself in time by grabbing on to the door. Blue Arrow, sadly, plummets to his doom on the rocky cliffs below.  Red Arrow was deemed insufficiently visually distinct from Speedy and so this is how White Arrow came to replace Green Arrow, who was never heard from again.

Or WAS he...? Find out tomorrow...

Red, White, and Blue Arrow, 2

Ollie is SO into the idea of retiring and finding a replacement; it would give him more time to spend in curio shops looking for Genuine Cultural Artifacts to stuff in his house.

Ollie's thinking, "JEEZ, kid, what took you so long to force me to retire? Why do you think I hired a sidekick ten times more competent than myself?"

Ollie may be a terrible crimefighter but he is highly adept at moving the plot along, because (SOMEHOW) he has a bunch of candidates competing to replace him THE VERY NEXT DAY.

So, you are about to learn something very important about Golden Age writers.

Do these guys have names? No?  Okay, NPCs Red, White, and Blue it is.

You probably have a host of questions at this point.  How were the candidates found?   How did this happen so fast and without the underworld finding out?  Just how many g-d archers ARE there in Star City and why?  How did Ollie get those costumes made in a day? Is there some ideological or moral test to pass or is it all skill-based?

But the plain and ugly truth is: Golden Age writers DO NOT CARE.  Golden Age writers are not interested in exploring a concept or justifying its use; their only interest is in EXPLOITING concepts.  They are not stewards of the conceptual environment, in which story ideas are like natural wealth.  They are consumers; they lay waste to the forests of the mind, heedless of story potential they are destroying just to get lumber for some dumb little outhouse of a story.  They couldn't care less that they are wasting the potentially poignant concept of "a fading hero struggles to find his successor with the aid of his sidekick" on this slapdash nonsense.  Because it's the Golden Age. They have no fear of running OUT of ideas, so they think nothing of wasting them as soon as they occur to them.  Once you understand this about Golden Age writers, every  Golden Age story makes a lot more sense-- or at least it's much easier to understand why it DOESN'T.

Editor's Note: Roy eventually gets over his aversion to the name "Red Arrow".

Roy immediately takes advantage of an opportunity to test Red Arrow's lack of self-preservation (a key quality of Green Arrow's).

There is a whole Untold Tale of those trial jumps and I'd love to have seen it.

Then a lesson in gun safety (specifically, that guns are not safe).

Ye gods, their costumes look so hideous together, I'm surprised the crooks don't simply faint from fashion dissonance.

The crooks try for a getaway, but Red Arrow is undeterred by Speedy's warning that his planned shot is impossible.

Except for it's impossible to describe how much more hideous Red Arrow's costume is than Green Arrow's. Some things simply don't reverse well.

In addition to lacking self-preservation, Red Arrow also has Green Arrow's lack of realism; he's looking like a good successor so far!

Even the crooks realize this guy is better than Green Arrow.

Roy is duly impressed by Red Arrow's performance.

I dunno, though; he might be UNduly impressed.  All that jazz, including the bolo shot, seems to me like bog-standard Green Arrowing.  But part of reading a Golden Age story is accepting all statements at face value; if you are told It Was Amazing, then it was amazing, no matter how many times you have seen It before.  The stories don't work unless you play along.

In any case, you'd think Red Arrow has clearly proven himself a more than capable successor for Green Arrow (more capable THAN Green Arrow, in fact!) and that he can be Speedy's new partner, contest over.  But that's not how the Golden Age works, and we will darned well put White Arrow and Blue Arrow through their paces, too, before a decision is made...