Groovy Chick Month 4: Julie Jively

Today, let's talk about one of Lois Lane's former roommates. Do I mean marvelous Marsha Mallow, one of our Absorbafaves?


Do I mean Kristen Cutler, piranha-loving, knife-wielding lunatic?


NO! The chick I mean is EVEN GROOVIER.

Once upon a time (Lois Lane 120), Lois Lane's sister got involved with the sinister crime cartel called the 100, then was (apparently) killed in South America. This led to exactly what you'd expect: Lois tied to a giant bull's-eye while a pack of Frito Banditos aim their darts at her nether regions. I just hate it when that happens!

Sometimes, to paraphrase Freud, a dart is just a dart.
This is not one of those times.

Anyway, the whole adventure wrecks Lois's composure and she goes missing for a month and winds up wandering the streets of what in Metropolis passes as the bad part of town (meaning that the sidewalk ice cream vendors there don't carry sprinkles).

Lois is (of course) mugged and who comes her aid? No, not Superman!

JULIE JIVELY!

Okay, I don't really know what her last name was; it's never mentioned (please, readers, correct me if it was every clarified in some later story, because I'd love to know what her last name really is).

Marsha and Kristen got last names when they exercised their power of introposition. But when Julie met Lois, she was too busy kicking tail to introposition herself.

But if the fat roommate is Marsha Mallow and the knife-wielding roommate is Kristen Cutler, it's pretty clear that this story, despite Bronze Age political sensibilities, still has Silver Age naming conventions. Thus, the sassy black roommate must be named Julie Jively.

In fact, I bet at the apartment they even stand around in alphabetical order: Julie Jively, Kristen Cutler, Lois Lane, and Marsha Mallow. Thank Schwartz the apartment wasn't any bigger or we'd be dealing with a French stewardess named No-No Nanette.

Not only does Julie Jively wear matching purple belt, hot pants, and hip boots (all leather, I assume) while kicking tail, but she also sasses you while doing it.



Oh, but remember, folks (and Batwoman), there's a price to pay for fighting crime in heels:

Fabulous high-kick, though. She could be one of the Metropolis Rockettes!


Don't worry, kids! Seeing Julie Jively in danger, Lois Lane comes to her senses and beats the muggers senseless with some garbage can lids. Welcome back, Lo-Lo! A standard Lois versus Evil Landlord Scheme follows, but the important part is this:


Yep. All those famously hip outfits Lois wore in the 1970s? The boots, the bangles, the beads? The minis, the micros, the midriffs? The headbands, the hot pants, the hip-huggers?

They belonged to JULIE JIVELY.


Julie Jiveley was a no-nonsense chick who talked turkey.

Butterball turkey, in fact.
P.S. Ladies, please get back in alphabetical order!

Julie Jively calls a woman she met that day and is planning on living with "Butterball", and starts controlling her life almost immediately. In comic books, this sort of behavior is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. In our world, it's the beginning of Stockholm Syndrome.

She's hip, she's sassy, she's a major busybody; how could she get any better? Why, she's well-educated and sultry, too!

It's the middle of the night, and you've awakened just in time to disarm your knife-wielding psycho of a roommate before she ventilates the orange Naugahyde sofa. Do you have the presence of mind to make a sassy Shakespearean reference? Julie Jively does.

Damn it, ladies, you're standing out of order again!

Not only is witty Julie Jively a Friend of the Bard, she's sultry. How do we know this? Just look, for pity's sake:

• Lois Lane is wearing a frilly "What color is my underwear?/Oh, save me, Superman!" nightie with matching slippers.
• Marsha Mallow is sporting classic "Ethel Mertz: Prisoner of Cellblock H" sleepwear.
• Julie Jively? Going barefoot in her "Leave the money on the table" red negligee. Besides, an editorial caption actually calls her "sultry Julie", just so there's no doubt.

Convinced yet? I've got one more try to help you understand the grooviness that is Julie Jively.

The scene is a crowded Metropolis lecture hall. Metropolitans, remember, get attacked by Brainiac or giant gorillas every other week, so they can get a little edgy. Earlier that day, an escalator had malfunctioned, so the crowd's pretty tense already. Suddenly, the lights in the auditorium go out. What does any sensible resident of Metropolis do?

ASSUME IT'S A BOMB AND PANIC!

Keeping her cool (something a girl has to know how to do these days), Julie Jively immediately leaps onto the stage and leads her roommates in

AN AUDIENCE-ENTRANCING HIGH-STEPPING KICKLINE!

Ah, I knew those high kicks of hers would come in handy some day! But the ladies are STILL out of order; what the heck is this, JLA #7?

Aquamanifesto

To my readers,

I apologize now for that the fact that I am about to rant. Rant, rant, rant!

Comments will not be turned off for this post, but I would prefer your comments be directed somewhere more useful than to me...

Specifically, to Dan Didio. [That, by the way, is a link to the Aquaman Message Board; I don't know how else to contact him.]

First, some disclaimers. I really like Dan Didio; he's the best thing to happen to DC in decades. I love what Dan Didio is doing. He's showing what a company can do with an actual editor at the helm, and, in my lifetime at least, DC has never been better. There will always be stumbles and fumbles, particularly when a company is doing so much on so many fronts. I understand that and I think that I am, on average, much more forgiving than most fans. If a book's not perfect, I'm fine with that; lord knows, the comic books we grew up with were actually pretty crappy, but we learned to love their characters anyway.

I also understand that he and his crew are not going to refit the DCU in exactly the way I would want it, jot and tittle. There are plenty of characters and situations I'd prefer were being handled differently (Donna Troy, the Outsiders (past and present), the Flash, and, of course, Vibe); that's always going to be the case. I also realize that the way you want things isn't always what's best for you!

That said, I have also learned that DC is responsive, on the whole, to feedback from its readers, and is charmingly willing to cheerily admit when it's made a mistake and then fix it. I've also learned that, in life generally, you can't expect to get things you want unless you're willing to ask for them or work toward them. And so....

Dan Didio, I want Aquaman back. The real one.

I joke a lot on this blog. So much so, that sometimes people can't tell whether I seriously like/dislike something, or whether I'm just taking a position for the sake of argument. Have no doubt, I'm thoroughly sincere about this one. If this be "fan entitlement", then so be it. But I must correct my friend and colleague the Fortress Keeper; I didn't complain loudly because Kurt Busiek tried to revamp Aquaman; writers do that all the time, and I only started to like Aquaman so much because Will Pfeiffer was allowed to revamp him. I've complained loudly because Kurt Busiek replaced Aquaman.

As I've argued before... On the whole, replacements do not work.

Sure, I liked Kyle Rayner. But Hal Jordan came back, and needed to. For that matter, Alan Scott came back. While DC continues to burn through Flashes, Jay Garrick remains popular and (as everyone knows by now) Barry Allen is coming back. Connor Hawke, Artemis, Azrael--the DC Encyclopedia is littered with the evidence that replacements do not work long-term. Sure, some good can come of them eventually, but often than not they become awkward baggage, the red-headed stepchildren of their respective dynasties.

You (or, rather, DC) is going to bring him back anyway.

Let's see ... when hasn't DC brought back the original version of a character? Green Arrow, after he died? No. Superman, after he died? No. Batman after his back was broken? No. Wonder Woman (pick up a time!)? No. Green Lantern, after he died and became a different freaking replacement character? No (and see "Alan Scott" above). The Flash? Well, there's a reason that stores are being told to order extra copies of an upcoming issue of Flash and that they're doing a two-month Flash promotion and publishing a "Greatest Flash Stories Ever Told", and I kinda doubt its for Wally. Hawkman? No. The Atom? Well, I adore Ryan and he doesn't seem to be going anywhere, but dont'cha think "The Search for Ray Palmer" is gonna find Ray Palmer? Blue Beetle? Ah, Blue Beetle doesn't count, because there was no Blue Beetle is DC's comics of the Golden, Silver, or Bronze Ages. The Doom Patrol, the Legion, the JSA? No, no, no. Thank god no writer ever had the bright idea to replace the Phantom Stranger with a hip, young, inexperienced version of himself or I'd be listing him here, too.

The real Aquaman will be back and it's only a matter of time. Stop wasting our time and get to it.

Replacing Aquaman with an even weaker character is a stunningly bad idea.

Look, I'm well aware that different people prefer different takes on Aquaman. But the Pfeifferites, PAD People, the Veitchians (are there any Veitchians?), the Finny Friends, the Sub Diego Lovers, the Pro-Atlanteans-- I daresay there's one thing that all the fish-schools of thought on Aquaman would agree on: his problem has never been that he's TOO powerful.

"Yeah, the ability to control fish is way too daunting," all the writers never say, "I just don't know how to write an Aquaman who can survive outside of the water for over a hour. Please, Dan, let me replace him with a weaker knock-off. I can't handle a guy who used to punch holes in battleships during WWII; I'm sure what readers really want in a hero is a kid who seems continually lost, needs a sword to defend himself, and is weaker than the ever-popular Neptune Perkins."

Wasting character recognition is a bad idea.

I really don't care who chooses to mock Aquaman; his classic version is an extremely recognizable character / commodity. Iconic status, Q rating -- these are cultural and marketing gold, and anyone willing to throw them away is a fool. This kid with black eyes, shoulder pads, and a sword? He ain't going on anybody's Underoos (and all that that implies). Or, if he does, those Underoos will wind up in the same warehouse where DC stores its excess "Superman Blue" t-shirts.

Distancing Aquaman from the heroic model is a bad idea.

I'm not just talking here about my pet theory, the Dynastic Centerpiece Model. I'm talking about what I -- and I think most readers -- want: not heroes who spend all their time trying to "find themselves" and "understand the role", but ones who are secure in themselves and know instinctively that their role is to use their abilities to help and protect others and society as a whole. I mean, if that weren't true, DC's most popular character would be the Martian Manhunter. I'm not a big fan of Alex Ross, but if DC has forgotten (after the depredations of Conway, Peter David, McLaughlin, Veitch) how to depict Aquaman as a real hero, all they have to do is ask Ross, co-author of Justice. For that matter, they could just watch a couple episodes of the '60s Filmation cartoon of Aquaman.

Wandering too far from a character's original conception is a bad idea.

Another comic fan, an old friend, taught me this important lesson: The answer to most problems with a character almost always can be found by going back to the original conception of the character (which is what caused the character to become popular and iconic in the first place). Kurt Busiek tried to do this but focused on the first origin of Aquaman: that he was raised on land, not in the sea. Yes, that is better than the silliness of being raised by porpoises. But you can't just replace Aquaman with a different character with the same name and the original origin.

Why? Because the origin of a character is not the same thing as the original concept. Though we make a big deal out of origins now, they started out simply as tools to get the hero as quickly as possible to his status quo.

"Oh, uh, why is Superman super? Well ... he's an alien! And they were all super! Okay, maybe they weren't; maybe it was just because their gravity was heavier! No, no... okay, maybe it was because of ... a difference in solar energy! Yes! That's it!"

The reality is, Superman is not about his origin. He's about his original concept, that is, what he can do and what his job is. Superman's slogan isn't "On Earth as it was on Krypton!"; it's "This looks like a job for Superman!"

When Superman became "Superman Blue" his origin didn't change, but he was taken away from the original concept of the character. So, naturally, the change failed. No one cared that it was still Clark Kent; it was no longer Superman. In fact, Superman Blue failed so spectacularly that when Superman was returned to his original concept, no one cared that the whole thing was never explained, so relieved were they to get back the hero's status quo.

Simply giving us a new version of Aquaman with the same origin as the first version is not going back to the original concept of the character. Painting with a broad brush, I'd have to say that the original concept of Aquaman is:

"Superstrong, supertough, really fast-swimming guy who controls sea creatures. Though he lives underwater, his work focuses of the interface of ocean and land, like beaches, islands, and the surface of the sea. There he keeps people safe and fights crime, with the approval of society."

Basically, Aquaman is a superlifeguard, a super-marine. With really fabulous hair.

Wandering away from this concept -- keeping him underwater all the time, weakening him, depriving him control of sea-life, portraying him as a Namorian crabby foe of surface-dwellers, giving him a Silver Age-y "one-hour weakness", giving him magical powers -- waters down the simple power of the original concept: a man who is a powerful master of the sea-going environment.

Why is this simple concept so powerful? First, because it IS simple. The most powerful concepts -- literary or not -- usually are. Second, it's powerful because it's about being powerful. People sometimes deride comic books as "power fantasies", a criticism I find laughable. "Power fantasy" is essentially redundant. People don't generally fantasize about being less powerful or less competent, now, do they?

Fantasy provides relief from things that make us feel powerless in our daily lives and (one hopes) inspires us to become less so. Things like, say, urban crime (Batman), an uncaring society (Superman), war and aggression (Wonder Woman), the sky (Hawkman), the pace of events (Flash), larger forces (the Atom), ceiling tiles (Green Lantern), and the sea (Aquaman). Not only are they not made powerless by such things, they are sometime empowered by them. Batman uses darkness and fear to his advantage, for example, and Aquaman is not merely at home in the sea, he is more powerful there than elsewhere. This "Arthur Joseph" fellow seems less at home in the ocean than Judy Walton, and it kind of goes without saying that the real Aquaman would kick his butt in about 4 seconds (Judy Walton, 30 seconds; Marsha Mallow, holding her breath, 60 seconds).

Can we please forget about this character who's supposed to have the "right origin" and get back to the character who personifies the original concept instead?




Dan Didio; it's pretty clear that Tad Williams wants to do you a huge favor and bring back the real Aquaman for you. Heck, in issue 51, he has Mera and Wonder Woman basically state that.

Please do US a favor:

let him.

The Replacements

I'll come right out and say it, even though most DC fans prefer to ignore it as the elephant in our living room:

Replacements do not work.

When writers/editors get lazy or desperate, they resort to scrapping the person who's currently "Heroman" and creating a new character to become Heroman.

And it never works. Not really.

They tried to replace Wonder Woman with Artemis. They tried to replace Batman with Azrael. They tried to replace Superman with Galba, Otho, Vitellius, and Vespasian.

Fans were not happy. The original were back within a year or so. "Oh, that's not fair," you object. "DC never really intended to replace those heroes." As you say, then. But does that counter my point or help make it?

They tried to replace Flash and Green Lantern. The real ones, I mean: Jay Garrick and Alan Scott.

Those replacements were so-called successes, but in the longer run they are merely examples of the original concept becoming fractured. We keep burning through our Flashes and Green Lanterns now grow like mushrooms. Oh, and who's still around, smiling, and more popular than their successors? Jay Garrick and Alan Scott, the real Flash and Green Lantern.

Maybe that's not fair to Hal Jordan. Perhaps (unlike the Silver Age Flash) he's sufficiently different from his Golden Age namesake to be considered the original "space policeman with power ring weapon". But then that brings us to his replacements. When some editor finally said, "Yeesh, better send Hal to the Head Trauma Center for a couple decades!", they tried to replace him with likeable John Stewart, unlikeable Guy Gardner, and pretty but pitiable Kyle Rayner. Oh, and an anthromophic comic relief dog. Then the Head Trauma Center withdrew Hal's meds, so he went crazy, became evil, died, came back as a replacement for a different hero. Who's starring in the Green Lantern series now....?

His hard-travelling companion, Green Arrow, they blew up and tried to replace with a convenient illegitimate son who apparently grew up at the same Camp for Accelerated Childhood & Adolescence that the babies on soap operas get sent to. Even though GA-II was 90 times more likeable and interesting than his dad (but then again, so is Marsha Mallow), GA-II is gone, mostly unnoticed and his jackass father is back from the dead and mayor of his city.

Hawkman, anyone? Fortunately, Carter Hall is back and busy posing for his new Heroclix figure.

The only possible exception to this rule is the current Atom; maybe that's possible because the Golden and Silver Age versions never worked that well to start with?

I think it's just because he's so cute, actually.

I mean, who are they going to try foolishly replace next...

Aquaman?

Nah; not even DC's that crazy!

Marsha Mallow, Pog of Power

You do not have the power to resist:MARSHA MALLOW

I don't know about you, but I don't want Marsha Mallow in my game ... I need her.

She belongs on Metropolis-based theme teams, ideally near the Lois Lane bystander token. But she's a dangerous addition to your team if you use

the Special Marsha Mallow Rules:

1. Other figures do not block line of sight to Marsha Mallow.
2. Any figure with Willpower loses it when Marsha Mallow is in sight.

Green Lanterns? Pfah! Their fabled Willpower dissipates at the sight of this batter-sucking siren. Watch your opponents blanch when Mallow crushes their schemes to double-punch you, merely by waving a chicken leg in front of their pieces. This will make her a prime target, so have a "guardian" figure protect with her Defend.

For maximum enjoyment of the Marsha Mallow pog during gameplay, put on the Food Channel in the background.

Pog Candidate Profiles

This is for newer readers who might not recognize all the candidates is our Customer Heroclix Pog Poll.

The Buddhist Monk refers to the guy who revived Eel O'Brien after he becomes Plastic Man; everyone else has an explanatory link.

Marsha Mallow	7 votes
The Kryptonite Monkey	8 votes
The Rolling Head of Pantha	18 votes
Buddhist Monk	6 votes
Lefty the Starfish	5 votes
Gail Simone	19 votes
"Railroad" Porter	3 votes
The Yazz	4 votes
Thought Slaves	8 votes
Fat Momma	5 votes
Rusty the Radium Dog	9 votes
The Superman Whipping Doll	11 votes
Black Lois Lane	18 votes
Wally the Walleye	5 votes
Nightgirl's Bouffante	6 votes
Mike Zagari	1 vote
Salvador Dali	9 votes
The Amorous Space Gorilla	9 votes
Chic Carter, Ace Reporter	3 votes
Willi Van Dort	12 votes

The Real Amanda Waller

I miss this woman. Can you still recognize her?


Yes, that's Amanda Waller. The real Amanda Waller.

Somewhere along the line, she was replaced by some sort of "mini-me" one eighth her original size:Yes; yes, you! I don't know who you are, girlie, but you aren't Amanda Waller. You look like the lady who does the nightly news on my local tv channel, whereas the real Amanda Waller looks like the newsvan she travels in. You are phat; the real Amanda Waller is fat.

The real Amanda Waller, girlie, eats people like you for breakfast, figuratively and literally. You are, at best, Amanda's lesbian daughter who's a principal at a private school. You have no hairbun, no earrings, no purple eye shadow, no cerulean heels, and no calves the size of black angus bulls. You are a mere slip of a girl; the real Amanda Waller can be spotted from space without using Brother Eye and lights up not merely rooms but entire football stadiums with her fabulous presence.

You are merely another symptom of DC's on-going putsch against fat people. Etta Candy and Alfred Pennyworth, sent to a fat farms. Doiby Dickles, shipped off planet. Vulko, sleeping with the fishes. Chunk, disappeared. Tubby Watts, erased. Uncle Dudley, forgotten. Orca the Whalewoman, her glorious life completely covered up in a society-wide conspiracy to pretend she and Larry Hama never existed. Marsha Mallow cries out, "My editor, why hast thou forsaken me?!"

Ironically, fat characters may be the victims of the PR campaigns of real fat people. Yes, I said, "fat people", not "big" or "plus size" or any such euphemisms; sue me. [Of course, nowadays, some people will sue you for using the word "big", but that's another story.] The media, stung perhaps by criticisms of their common use of fat people as comic relief, have, in some cases, come up with a simple answer; "Fine; rather than risk showing fat people in a bad light, we simply won't show them at all."

For whatever reason, though, fat people are now virtually absent from the DCU, furthering the illusion that, while New Earth may not be perfect, its abdominals sure are. Why, nowadays you could scrub your laundry on Perry White's rippling torso, so successful has been DC's campaign against Mr. Roly Poly.

DC! As you've recently proven, the vast expanse of the DC Universe has room for characters of every stripe and flavor. Isn't it large enough to have room for some fat people, too?

Next time you show me Amanda Waller, please make it the real one.

The Name Game

My new poll about finding a first name for poor, mononymous Mr Bones, has me in a nominal mood. T.O. Morrow; Roy G. Bivolo, Joe Coyne; I can't help loving guys with those wacky comic book names! So, I'd like to denominate my own favorite comic book (or comic book-y) names, then seek your nominations of your own.

Marsha Mallow. You immediately know what she's like. Only Vandal Savage beats her out for Best Aptronym. I've always wondered why the two've never met. Perhaps in the current JSA Classified storyline she'll turn up. With her carefree "eat now worry later" attitude, she's just the person to befriend, bed, then help reform everyone's favorite "Type A" Neanderthal.

"Bony" Donut. Okay, there is no character named "Bony" Donut. But there really should be, don't you think? Some skinny girl sidekick, surely; but whose? Bullock? Maybe Wildcat.

"Con" Connors. A recurring grifter in Superman stories. "Gee, Jimmy; think we should trust him?"

Dick Hunter. Snort.

Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. Fine, fine. He's not in a comic book; but he's on Passions, which is kind of the same thing.

Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot. Enough said.

Cooky La Moo. If this woman is not in the new Wonder Woman at some point, there is no God.

Prof. Keenbean. Did you know that Richie Rich was the star of far, far more titles than any other comic book character in history? At one point, I believe, he was in 25 titles simultaneously, teaching us to be proud of the excesses of capitalism.

Tinya Wazzo. I don't want to live in the 30th century for the tech, or the excitement, or the interspecies culture. I just want to know lots and lots of people named things like "Tinya Wazzo" and run around making excuses to say their names all day long. "Hello, Reep Daggle; Querl Dox and Rond Vidar said you'd know where Tinya Wazzo went."

Oh, but I could "naming" all day; surely you have favorites or your own....?

My Year in Review

The Absorbascon's Year in Review,
done as a Heroclix Expansion Set.

REVs, LEs, and Uniques

1-3 Thought-Robots
4-6 Denominated Henchman (Southpaw LE)
7-9 Nameless Underlings (Artsy-Face LE)
10-12 Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies (Cherry Pie with Real Fruit Filling LE)
13-15 The Penny Plunderer
16-18 Vibe (Paco Ramone doing "the Robot" LE)
19-21 Dominominions (generic)
22-24 Dr. Domino
25-27 The Red Bee
28-30 Bees (generic) (Michael the Bee LE)
31-33 Phantom Lady
34-36 The Fadeaway Man
37-39 Congorilla
40-42 The original Black Condor
43-45 Hugo Strange
46-48 Gnor's Hotdog
49-51 Batman-Clobbering Robin
52-54 Batman Bitchslapping Robin
55-57 Killer Moth
58-60 Mr. Scarlet
61-63 The Mist
64-66 The Awesome Human Flying Fish
67-69 Phantom Zone Cats
70-72 Catman
73-75 Blaze
76-78 Simon Stagg
79-81 Blockade Boy (Jeremy Rizza LE)
82-84 The Original Starman (Ted Knight LE)
85 Orca the Whalewoman
86 Uncle Sam
87 The Phantom Stranger
88 Vartox
89 Toyboy
90 The Green Arab
91 Boy King
92 The Kryptonite Monkey
93 Bizarro-Titano
94 The Light ("The Unknown" LE)
95 Amethyst
96 The Composite Superman (Joe Meach LE)

217 Rex the Wonder Dog (Clik Brick LE)
218 The Infuriated Vurm
219 God
220 Night Girl
221 Topo

FEAT CARDS
001 Bacteria Cloudburst Formula
002 Word Association
003 Mid-Crisis Life-Makeover
004 The Living Death
005 The Gay Place
006 Breakdance Fighting

BATTLEFIELD CONDITIONS
001 Incest
002 Drama

BYSTANDER TOKENS
01 Marsha Mallow
02 Forgettable Moll
03 Major Mynah
04 ROGER the Ore-Crusher
05 The Rabid Racoon
06 The Innocent Dupe
07 J. Edgar Hoover
08 Dr. Curry (as long as Arthur's going to be a Bystander in his own comic, shouldn't be one on the Heroclix board, too?)

OBJECT TOKENS
001 Yellow Ceiling Tile
002 The Ecstacotron
003 Atomic Warhead Arrow
004 The Queer Machine
005 The Saltwater Telegraph
006 The Polished Aluminum Flying Pan

COLOSSAL SIZED EXCLUSIVE FIGURE
300 Multiwoman of the Challenger-Haters (with four dials: "Moody", "Rather Peeved", "Royally Ticked", and "Monthly Visitor")

CONVENTION EXCLUSIVE
301 The corpse of Multi-Man

Happy New Year, everyone!