Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Top Five Crisis Makeovers: Firehawk
There are a lot of bad people in Crisis on Infinite Earths: the Crime Syndicate, the Anti-Monitor, the Joker, Sugar & Spike.
But by far the worst is Lorraine Reilly, a.k.a. "Firehawk".
Thousands of universes very much like your own have been destroyed and the culprit is still at large. The five remaining universes are impinging upon one another, causing temporospatial disruptions that have halted quotidian civilization. An unconscious Justice League member has just died by violently exploding in the room next to you while you're on the JLA satellite, destroying a good chunk of it and rupturing the outer hull. Civilians and colleagues are immediately imperiled, and your boyfriend is struggling to save the faithful and much beloved Martian Manhunter, who is nearly dead from the fire. You, fortunately, have godlike powers of molecular reconstruction, as if you were Dr. Manhattan of the Watchmen. What do you do?
Why, design a new costume, silly! AND re-do your hair.
"Look at me, Ronnie," she pesters Firestorm, distracting the only other person who could fix the situation.
"Do you like my new outfit? I copied the design from the side of a landrover I saw in Arizona on winter break. Do you think it draws too much attention to my breast, tee-hee? Am I prettier than Killer Frost now? Did you notice how my cuffs match my hair?"
I mean, how bad is it when even Ronnie Raymond, the only person ever to lose a Scrabble game against Lana Lang, notices that your behavior is idiotically inappropriate?
And still the outfit is hideous.