Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Can Wonder Woman Dance?

Can Wonder Woman dance?

As long as it's a march, yes.

Tony Basil's Hey Mickey.

Deborah Cox's Absolutely Not.

The Superfriends Theme.

Dolly Parton's 9 to 5.

Stevie V's Dirty Cash.

YMCA (or anything by the Village People, really).

Her own darned theme song, all five versions.

This is the music of Wonder Woman.

At least twice at week, she spends an hour marching. Alone, behind the locked door of her Marching Room. Good for the legs, she thinks. And the shoulders. Keeps you disciplined, too, and your head clear. Everyone should march. Everyone should do the things I do. The world would be much better if they did.

You know it's bad when they send Green Arrow to tell you you're embarassing the League.
"Diana, c'mon; I've got the Arrowcar right over there. Let's go now, okay?"

"Happens" upon parades, she does. As many as possible.

Hi, I was just flying by after returning from a JLA meeting and noticed your Founder's Day parade.

What? You want
me to march in it? Why, yes! Yes, I'd be honored! No, no thank you; I brought my own cape. Oh, and don't worry; let me break the news to Supergirl; it'll be ... easier coming from me. Strike up the band!

Back on Paradise Island, the whole marching thing used to drive her mother nuts.

The Suffering Sappho Celebration. The Diana's Day Festivities. Bea Arthur's Birthday. No matter what the holiday or occasion, Diana wheedled her way into the parade so she could march, march, march.

The Themiscyran tabloids would make fun of Diana, calling her "Princess Parade About", "Her Royal Clydesdale", and "Little Miss Marchy Boots". The Royal Family was being humiliated.

Finally, Hippolyta got fed up. Made up the whole "Wonder Woman" nonsense, complete with majorette costume, just to get rid of her. Couple of decades of marching in Man's World'll settle her hash. It worked on Antonia (or "Susan B. Anthony", as we called her).

Once she got here, she used to make up phony causes and protests just so she'd have an excuse to march.

She stopped that once she met her friend Brenda the Majorette (who'd marched so often in front of bands she'd suffered some hearing loss, which Diana eventually repaired for her with the Purple Healing Ray).

Majorette Brenda helped Diana understand the holiday cycle of our society and explained that she could march in any gay pride parade she wanted and people would applaud. Put her picture in the paper. Toss confetti and beads to her.

Since then, Wonder Woman's been a happy gal, indeed.

She's made a lot of other gals happy that way, too!


Anonymous said...

DC just announced the return of a Wonder Woman solo title "OYL." It will be called Little Miss Marchy Boots - Sword of Thymes...Thimus...Paradise Island.

Marc Burkhardt said...

Maybe the Purple Healing Ray can be used to teach WW a few new moves...

Anonymous said...

Ah, those Amazons
They truly love their marching
Well, that and bondage

Anonymous said...

Wow. I had no idea. That poor, brave, Amazon.

We should throw her a parade.

Anonymous said...

I'll never forget the day I saw Wonder Woman march. She was so radiant, so inspiring- I almost didn't notice the Adam's apple.

Shon Richards said...

I got a hold of the Wonder Woman Vol 1 archives this week. Marching! Dancing! Duct tape over the eyes! More Marching! It never ceases to amaze me what Scipio doesn't have to make up for this blog.

Scipio said...

I couldn't make this stuff up if I Tried, Scarlett...

joncormier said...

But is marching really dancing? She does look like she's getting down Bootzy Collins style in front of a few of those parades. That's pretty funky baby.

Anonymous said...

And now, just like with the Central City thing, just like with Hal's head, I finally understand. If you'd told me yesterday that I'd really like Wonder Woman as a character today, I would've said you were nuts. But how wrong I would have been, how very wrong...

It's hard to believe, but I think these posts are getting even better. I actually feel like I'm learning something. Curse you!

Scipio said...

Wonder Woman has "Jock Jams" volumes 1 through 5 all programmed into her I-Pod.

That redeems almost any character, Anonymous....

David C said...

Someone simply *must* make a Wonder Woman music video of "Hey, Mickey" (a song of which I am strangely fond for some inexplicable reason....)

Scipio said...

Well, it's already got the Amazons in it.

Anonymous said...

She's doing the "Elaine"!