Thursday, November 10, 2005

Why Lois Didn't Love Clark

C'mon, you just know that Lois is fag hag!

A strong "career girl" like Lois should be a magnet for the kind of gay guys who hang out with gal pals (which, contrary to the impression that you get from watching teevee, is not something most gay guys do). If Lois Lane lived in our world, she and Anderson Cooper would be tight, man, and shop together weekly.

So Lois surely gets *snicker* "hit on" by lots of meek mild-mannered fresh off the farm types, ones who haven't quite figured out their own "secret identities". You know--Alarm Clocks, as they're called, guys who are wound up but haven't rung yet and awakened from their Sleep of Self-Deception. Imagine Lois Lane, Girl Reporter, repeatedly embarrassed by the relevation that (once again) her latest beau is a BOQ (editor's note: Big Old Queen). Can't you hear the water cooler taunts of cosmosluts like Cat Grant and smalltown girls who know the score like Lana Lang?

"So, Lois, how was your, um, 'date' with Blue Devil? *snort*! Are you bringing him to the office Christmas Party?"

"Don't be silly, Cat; he'll be too busy sliding down chimneys! *tee hee* Besides, he wouldn't want to clash with the holiday decor ... say, Lois, I bet Mr. Scarlet or the Red Bee is available!"

The bicked witches! I'm sure it's like some cruel scene from Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. Can you imagine poor Lois Lane stuck on Desperate Housewives? Shudder!

For decades, sexist male writers have angled the Clark/Superman/Lois triangle as an ironic tragedy for Clark. Puh-lease! The real story is one of a doomed Fruit Fly, longing for a "real man" but who attracts men interested only in her brain. Then, when the total package comes along in the form of Clark Kent, all Lois can think is:

"Oh, great, another farm fag!
this time I'm not falling for it!"

Oh, the comic book irony.


naladahc said...

Isn't that Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives? =)

Anonymous said...

My God, I GET Lois now! The poor thing.

Anonymous said...

Desperate Housewives is some kind of group therapy program for ex-Superman players. Not only is Teri Hatcher a regular, but first-season guest stars have included John Haymes Newton (Superboy from the 1980s syndicated series) and Lesley Ann Warren (who played Lois Lane in the 1970s TV version of the Broadway musical "It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Superman"). I'm expecting Jack Larson and Ned Beatty any day now.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This post almost makes a decade's worth of "Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend" worthwhile.

Anonymous said...

Oh man. I can only imagine Lois's rage when she finally found out Clark's 'Secret'.

"That's it?! All the veiled references and secret clubs and spandex material and you're NOT GAY AT ALL?"


Scipio said...

And the key. Don't forget the giant key.