The Martian Manhunter's Rogues Gallery!

With J'onn's panoply of otherworldly powers, any writer would naturally find the most powerful foes for him, the likes of Despero, Amazo, or Dr. Light.

Or, perhaps not.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present, with comparatively little commentary on my part, the Foes of the Martian Manhunter...

The Dangerous Martian Mandrills

I'm hard pressed to think of anything more "Silver Age" than Martian gorillas.


The Menace of Mothman

Nice hat. Some guys-- one overnight with Killer Moth
and they think they have what it takes to be a supercriminal.

Speaking of which...

The Human Flame

Poor Joey. He loved Mike, despite the Daliesque moustaches and flamboyent outfits.
But the "crime suit" was the final straw.


The Malevolant Mr. Falcon

Uh-oh; now who's going to walk Dynomutt?

And last, and certainly least....

The Human Squirrel
Best. Costume. Ever.

Blues Skies for the Martian Manhunter

So, this week at Heroclix, in honor of Martian Manhunter Week, I fielded a team composed of nothing but Martian Manhunters (the 167 pt. Experienced one, the 114 pt Rookie one, the 177 pt Unique, and the 144 pt. Detective John Jones). Between them, they had a vast array of powers, making them an unstoppable force.

Naturally, I lost. In fact, I got my butt whooped (or perhaps I should say, "driven over by a convertible"). A team of nothing but Martian Manhunters is pretty formidable, but against a team of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern-- well, let's just say my "unstoppable force" was forced to stop pretty quickly.

That's okay. There will almost surely be a new Martian Manhunter clix in the new JLA set that comes out September 5. The new "special powers" mechanic will enable them finally to do JJ justice on a Heroclix dial. I will be very disappointed if "Creating Ice Cream Cones With Your Mind" and "Road Bump Butt" aren't among his special abilities.

Batman was definitely one of JJ's problems on the board (that, and Superman shoving a dumpster in his face at Mach 4). Batman, as always, stealthing in bush and outwitting J'onn myriad powers, just as I was about to form a barrier by drawing gold from seawater or alter the path of a baseball to bean Batman on the head. So, to welcome the new improved Martian Manhunter clix I'm expecting I created a map where Batman won't be a problem:

Flyers only on this map! And lots of clouds for JJ to stealth in, and nothing to catch fire.

The battle is in mid-air, so only flying characters are allowed. Note also that no objects are permitted to be used on this board (for obvious reasons). Also, like the murky areas in our last map, the cloudy Hindering Terrain affects only line of sight, not movement. And, yes, characters can still "soar" while on this map.

Word of advice: don't use any characters with "Earthbound" on their dials! If a character does turn up "Earthbound" in the course of the game, it will fall to earth and is removed from the board. UNLESS, that is, a teammate can fly over adjacent to them and "catch" them on the first move of your next turn... but, then, of course, they can't let go as long as the figure has Earthbound!

Things That Made Me Happy...

in (and about) my comics this week.

• Ollie wears a size twelve? No wonder Black Canary stays with him.
• Black Adam gives new meaning to "determination"!
• The price for Hank Henshaw's loyalty.
• The Ant Map.
• The Adam Strange Showcase, which I haven't cracked yet, because I know it will be so full of the loathsome vileness of dirty stinkin' Rannies, that it's gonna make me blow my top!
• I really like the murder mystery when Batman meets the Club of Heroes. Very spooky; love the Black Glove splash pages. "The Most Dangerous Game" isn't exactly the most original plot, but since Grant Morrison can't write a comprehensible plot of his own, he's at least stealing the classic ones!
• Bug pogs.
• How the Justice League defeated Kid Amazo... and vice versa.
• I'll be darned if the Sinestro Corps hasn't made me warm up to the Green Lantern Corps (a book I never ever would have bought before). I'm not sure the entire universe has enough scenery for all these villains to chew!
• Playing Heroclix with Mr. Mxyzptlk.
• Apparently, Atom Smasher likes ladyfingers.
• The new episode of the Big Monkey Podcast, which is now available here and on the I-Tunes.

Support Your Local Martian!

I'm not just here to make fun of the Martian Manhunter this week (although, really, that would be purpose enough for a month's worth of posts). I'm here to help him. Sure, he may be crazy, ill-conceived, and dated; but he's classic, a pillar of the DCU, and full of potential. Unlike, say, Geo-Force.

If there's anything to learn from the examples of Batman & Superman (and the anti-examples of the Flash and Wonder Woman), it's that a solid and consistent supporting cast is conducive to popularity and longevity. In our modern multiversal world where heroes spend lots of time connecting with heroes in other titles, it's easy to forget that each major hero should have a "universe" of his or her own, a world of people and places that can sustain their stories indefinitely without requiring recourse to the outside world of the rest of the DCU. Any hero you can't do that for, simply isn't going to be a major hero.

I've chatted before about cobbling together a "dynasty" for Martian Manhunter, but that's a little different from a basic supporting cast. But a stroll through the MM Showcase edition gives us a number of characters who could be revived or reimagined as part of his supporting cast.

Jupiter the Dacshund

Nothing has ever made the Martian Manhunter a more human, more accessible, more sympathetic character to me than the fact that he adopted a dachshund. A dachshund who wears sweatshirts and is hecka strong. Named "Jupiter". Yeah, you can draw gold from seawater with your mind and phase through solid matter, but can you make a dachshund behave? No, I don't think so.

Unfortunately, despite John's promise that "we're going to real pals for a long time," Jupiter is never seen again in a Martian Manhunter story.


Diane Meade

A "lady police officer"; what will they think of next? Diane Meade was smart as a whip; she figured out JJ was the Martian Manhunter after spending one day with him, and she didn't see him change or anything; she deduced it. You rock, Diane. Plus, you look positively darling in that jaunty little WAC-cap (which should definitely be part of the costume design for any Diane redux).

You know, not every women in comics needs to be a beer-swilling, butt-kicking, Asian lesbian ninja. It would be nice to see someone who fights crime with some gentility (kind of like the Martian Manhunter himself does). How can you not love a character who says things like "Good gracious! A parked truck exploded! Lucky no one was around!"? Bring back Diane, and let her be a detective rather than a street cop.

Diane probably shouldn't be a romantic interest. That should be saved for Lady Cop (Chief Liza Warner of the Ivy Town police department). That way John Jones could be involved in a tense love triangle with her and MetroPD's Officer Devon Sanders, a Loose Cannon Cop Who Doesn't Play By the Rules.


Captain Harding

I like this guy. One, he wears a uniform, kind of like C. Everett Koop. Two, he almost never gets up from behind his desk (I got this rare photo capture from a disappointed Bigfoot aficionado). None of this Aging Action Hero crap for him. No Gordonesque "I was a beat cop once, and I still know how to use a gun, son!" nonsense for Cap't H. He worked hard to get where he is, and he ain't movin' now.

Third, he's got gravitas, the kind that comes from avoirdupois. You can tell when Cap'n H does make the effort to get out of that chair, it's to head straight for the cafeteria (twice on Porkchop Day).


Jim Wade, Editor of the Clarion

It's always helpful to have a reporter-type in your supporting cast because they can pop up pretty much whenever you need them, on the pretext of "following up on a lead". You can have, say, your dentist in your cast, but it strains credulity to have your dentist continually turning up at raging fires, hostage situations, and supervillain attacks (unless, of course, your dentist is Jaime Reyes). Supporting cast reporters are often focused on figuring out the hero's "secret identity", but I don't think anyone would assume a Martian would even have a secret identity. I'd rather seen him as a human buddy for John Jones, someone he could hang out with at the bar, having milk and Oreos together.

"Yes -- you couldn't possibly compete with a free paper, unless..."
... unless it's The Onion?

Office Mike Hanson

A big palooka on the police force of Whateversville, who's devoted to John Jones. He says it's just his job to protect him, but I think-- well, I think the Strongest Man on the Force would have a much easier time owning up to his real feelings now in the PQM (Post-Queer Eye millennium). Who knows? He might may a fun love interest for polyfreakual J'onn J'onnz (assuming he can handle the whole "driving over J'onn's butt" thing).


Larry Loder, Financier/Feeb

If you crossed Jimmy Olsen with a stick-- well, whatever you got would still be 10 times smarter than Larry Loder, who, for no apparent reason, is one of the Martian Manhunter's dearest friends. JJ describes him as "the most honest man I've ever met" and I suppose if you are a Martian in disguise, a really honest guy who's dumber than Jimmy Olsenstick Junior would be a perfect best friend.

Larry's been unjustly accused of fraud in the past, and is trying to make up for it with Three Magic Devices That Work Only Once that somebody just sort of... gave him. Just think about that for a while.

Yeah, Larry; a Magic Treasure-Finder is just the thing to stop people from calling you a phony. Nowadays Larry would be late-night infomercials peddling the "Larry Loder Foolproof System for Wealth and Independence".

This has been a paid political advertisement

Ten Candidates Who Will Get My Vote for Congress Sooner Than Eliot S! Maggin:


Dr. Polaris

Ruth Buzzi

Bomilcar Garling

Rocco DiSpirito

Aquaman, Sword of Atlantis

Egg Fu

Kevin Federline

Grant Morrison

Puffy Ami Yumi

Sonny Bono's widow

Extra Income

Really, there are only so many times you can bring a pile of seaweed-laden gold-dust into the surveyor's office with arousing the suspicions of the authorities. "Mr. Hoover," the field officer would report, "we've got another 'sea-gold' incident, this time at Grover's Mill."

And a detective's salary? Puh-lease; this is J'onn J'onnz we're talking about. Do you know what long distance calls to Mars cost, even to your Fave Five? Mars needs money, folks, not women.

Fortunately, JJ arrived during the repressive 1950s. Being a manhunter, JJ had a ready and obvious source of income:

Blackmailing closeted gays for money.


Oh, and sexual favors. Disturbing things, that involved toys, and props, and fishing tackle.

J'onn, you are so weird....

And the less said about the "dropped soap in the prison" incident, the better...


Of course, this was just a phase J'onn was going through, which ended when he discovered sweet sweet octopus love.

Never Enough

It's not enough, you know, that the Martian Manhunter is a shape-shifting mentalist with superstrength, superspeed, superhearing, x-ray vision, heat vision, microscopic vision, and the ability to become invisible or intangible.

Not nearly enough. J'onn's greedy, you see; he wants powers you've never heard of, powers that only frumpy middle-aged Manhattanite sci-fi geeks in the 1950s could imagine, and so many of them that he can use them once, then discard and forget about them, like disposable towelettes.


He can draw gold from seawater with his mind.

"Earthian"? You're so weird, J'onn...

Okay, I'm sorry; I know everyone's already seen this panel. It's from the Origin of the Martian Manhunter. But what better way to start Martian Manhunter Week than with this perfect example of his absurdity? But that's nothing...


He can create ice cream cones out of thin air by summoning powers from the void.

Didn't believe me, did you?

Next time someone at your neighborhood comic book store is talking about how dumb Jonn'z weakness to fire is, pipe up knowingly with, "Sh'yeah, I mean, why doesn't he just recreate the atom combinations of a giant ice cream cone using the powers from the void of space and use it to smother the flames?" That'll shut everyone up, and all the girls will drop their copies of Local and run over to hang on you admiringly. Works every time.

J'onn can make your clothes wash and iron themselves through substitutiary locomotion.

Treguna, mecoides, tricorum, satis dee!

They aren't exactly proud of it, but everywhere other than Earth, Martians aren't manhunters; they're launderers. Yes, everywhere from Rann to Rimbor, there are little mom & pop Martian laundries, as well as Martian take-out places famous for their "Summoned From the Void"-flavored ice cream, whose owners go home nightly to Martiantown on the edge of the city. Once a year, tourists visit during Martian New Year to enjoy the parade of water-breathing dragons and watercrackers. And speaking of water-breathing...

He can breathe underwater.

Must remember that for my Aquaman-themed Heroclix games on the water maps.

Really, J'onn; would it kill you to put the helmet on, in case someone sees you? Show-off. Actually, he's probably just being greedy: "As long as I'm down here, I'll fill my helmet with gold dust I extract from the seawater with my mind, then make up some lame, last-minute explanation for it when I surface to rejoin my colleagues!"


He can magnetize metal through sheer concentration.

Good lord; is Tony Robbins a Martian?

He can grow to gigantic proportions (furthering my Tony Robbins Theory, I might add).

I'm sparing you the next panel, which shows a car driving over his butt.

Now, that is a power so useful and impressive in battle, that he surely will use it again and again. What, never? Well, hardly ever. Wizkids, please remember to make a giant Martian Manhunter figure, or at least give him 'Enbiggen' as a special power. Oh, and, conversely...


He can shrink to mini-mate proportions.

If I had to choose a sound effect for shrinking, it wouldn't be "Ka-zoom". Maybe the wizard Shazam gave him the power?

Naturally. As if the god-like Martian Manhunter wouldn't covet the power of people like Bumblebee and Doll Man.

There are more powers; many more, including such lulus as the ability to scare sharks with his appearance, "atom vision", and "around-the-corner vision" (because x-ray vision is not enough, never enough). But, honestly, I don't have the strength to scan them all. So, before I leave you either to ponder what they are or to simply go buy the Martian Manhunter Showcase, I give you one final power...


He can violate the Fourth Wall at will.

"I'll use my power of Martian-winking to seek aid!
Kids, clap if you believe in Martians!"

Tony Robbins, Grant Morrison-- the Martians are everywhere!



P.S. Remember when I said I would spare you?

I lied.

Martian Manhunter Week Begins

Pantha Report

Ah, for the innocent comics of our youth; they were nothing like the violent comics of today. Or, at least, so they tell me. They were, however, riddled with corpses


This is Tommy the Corpse, the guest star of Bronze Age Superman story.

Remember, kids, the most important thing to do when you encounter a corpse is to throw your arms around it and stare deeply into its eyes.

Gnothi seauton, kouroi!

And the next time you're tempted to complain about death in modern comics, think of Tommy the Corpse and ...


don't lose your head.

Officers Friendly

For your Metropolis-based Heroclix games:

Officers Garling and Sanders of the Metropolis Police Department.

Ambush Island

I haven't forgotten you, Heroclix fans! With the template supplied me by Absorbascommando Derek Lancaster, I've made a new map for your aquatic clix:


I call this map "Ambush Island". It's not exactly complicated, but I still think it's interesting. The island supplies elevated terrain, the reef provides blocking terrain, and the shoals provide hindering terrain. Really, it's not hindering terrain, but "obscuring terrain"; the special rule of the map is that hindering terrain affects only line of sight, not movement.

I'm afraid the resolution here really doesn't do the map justice, but I'm happy to send anyone the file. Imagine using the new Starro-Slave Aquaman or Sword of Atlantis Aquaman, with their new special powers on this map! Throw in some fishclix and some aquatic objects, and you're ready for some splashing good gaming.

Action Comics, featuring.... me

Special thanks to Absorbascommando Jonathan Stopek who pointed out to me that I'm on page 4 of Action Comics 853 (in the top article). Apparently, Devon and I are Metropolis police officers (see our publicity photos, at right).

Good ol' Kurt Busiek! Thanks, KB! I think I'll be blowing that panel up and putting on a tee shirt. That I wear. All the time. "That? Oh, that's just an appearance by me in Action Comics. My latest appearance, I mean... ."

Despite my having been, er, less than kind about Kurt's work on Aquaman, I am a huge fan of his take on Superman, and this month's issue is sheer genius.

Dr. Sivana's Unternet! The Return of the Kryptonite Monkey (and as sidekick to the Kryptonite Man)! The Kryptonite Man, who talks as a villain should, and says "Faugh!" I love villains who say "Faugh!".

Phineas Potter! And Jimmy Olsen's flame breath, "turtle power", and "human geiger counter". Tobias Whale? I didn't think anyone remembered Tobias Whale. And, of course, the guest appearance at the end, which is simultaneously completely unexpected yet perfectly natural.

This is Superman comics as I like them: with Superman as the voice of calm normality in a crazy world of "B" science fiction films gone wild.

Anyway, make sure to tune it to our next Big Monkey Comics Podcast, where I will do a Dramatic Reading of ... MY OWN QUOTE from the Action Comics article!

Now, that is comic book irony.

Star Trek: Year Four

I would like to praise a comic book-- that's NOT from DC.

I enjoyed the first issue of IDW's new series, Star Trek: Year Four.

I'm not familiar with IDW's catalog of series; I looked at the house ads for other books, but they all seemed rather... unpleasant.

Star Trek: Year Four, however, was quite pleasant. Not groundbreaking, by any means, but I think that's part of the point. The series is intended as a continuation of where the original Star Trek series left off (it was cancelled in its third year, hence the name "Year Four"). As such the first issue is quite traditional; it really does read almost like a "lost episode".

The number of familiar Star Trek notes it hits casually in the course of telling its story is impressive:

• Gigantic Thing in Space that requires investigation
• Kirk drinking coffee from a cup
• Vast discoveries that would probably change the Federation society and get mentioned alot, but which is in fact tossed aside and never mentioned again
• Red-shirt eaten by monster
• Kirk killing a monster
• "He's dead, Jim."
• Kirk and a horny alien beauty
• Spock doing research on the ship
• Kirk putting on a boot
• Bones drooling over medical facilities
• Crazed scientists and their tragic outcomes
• Arbitrary threat to the ship
• Ending homily

There were less traditional touches I enjoyed, too. I loved seeing two characters from the forgotten or maligned Star Trek cartoon series (Lieutenant Arex and Lieutenant M'Ress) and the subtle incorporation of Trek continuity from other Trek series (Enteprise and Deep Space Nine). And good for James T., who's finally learned a new trick or two, based on his previous away missions!

As for the art, well, there's a little hinkiness in the way humans are drawn. But I very much appreciate the stylized approach to the art. Photorealism isn't appropriate for a Star Trek book; the television series was stylized itself; it was the ideas that mattered, not whether a bridge full of colored lights and matte paintings of deep space made any sense.

The art is used to tell the story; plenty of panels have no background details at all, because they would simply be a distraction. This is an element of Golden Age art that I love, and I'm grateful to see it in Year Four. I dislike the "art for art's sake" that we seen in many modern comics, where incredible attention is lavished on the details in the background of a mall food court, when what we need to be paying attention to is the fight in the foreground.

I also liked that there's a rigid four-panel structure to each page (except for one eye-popping two-page splash) that helps measure out the pacing in steady way that helps duplicate the feeling of watching the television show. The absence of thought balloons or captions helped, too!

I don't believe that subsequent plots are going to be quite so boilerplate, but it was nice to start off from a place of great familiarity and comfort. This is not fanfic; it's focus on using the characters to tell stories, not telling stories about the characters.

Give Star Trek: Year Four a try; I'll be interested to know what you think.

A New Big Monkey Podcast!

The latest edition of the Big Monkey Comics Podcast is now available on line (and on the I-Tunes for those who have the I-Tunes)! Please listen, enjoy, and tell me what you liked!
This is a 'very special episode', with Ben Hatton, Devon Sanders, me, Tori Tyree of the Women's Comic Book Discussion Group, and X-Men writer, the charming and generally delightful Mike Carey.

1. In our first section, I chat with Ben, Devon, and Tori about Black Canary and why you really don't need more than fishnets and kung fu.
2. The second section is Devon's on-the-spot interview with Mike Carey during his recent visit to Big Monkey.
3. In the third section, Tori and the Monkey Men tell you how to make comics attractive to new readers.

Listening for the following ... and more!

• Ben's new plan to distribute comics with other leisure-time products.
• Devon shops at Tiffany's. Yes, really.
• "You are not the editor of me." Nice one, Ms. Carey.
• Tori explains what Black Canary will do if she finds out she didn't hit you hard enough.
• Ben enjoys the deep-fried twinkie of nerdiness.
• What does Plastic Man smell like?
  
• Ace and Wicked Weasel teach Devon how to be a man.
• My Dramatic Reading of Hal Jordan's inner musings.
• The main driving force behind Mike Carey's diverse output!
• Ben postulates that it's not the message but the medium.
• Find out how the first comic I ever read influenced my choice of leisure activities and spending quality time with the elderly.
• A commercial for a delicious new personal security device!
• Devon sings the work of Harold Faltermeyer.
  
• We speak directly to Dan Didio, confident that he is listening.
• Thrill to a guest spot by Blockade Boy and Gerry Conway on a slightly moist Washington afternoon!
• Learn why the homeless flee in fear from the force that is Tori Tyree.
• Ben Hatton's I Hate Jogging, 1st issue special -- because YOU demanded it!

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• Blue Beetle outwitting an enemy in classic comic book style.
• Blue Beetle outwitting a different enemy with very out of the box thinking, inspired by Ted Kord.
• The continuance use of and development of Blue Beetle's supporting cast, particular that hunky kid who drives what appears to be television's Batmobile and Jaime's dad, who made me cry (and will make you cry, too).
  
• The tenderness of Darkseid, and its results (Countdown).
• FINALLY, gods that act like gods instead of middle school guidance counselors (WW).
• I don't know which was more beautiful in Justice Society Classified: the artist's skillful balance of detailed background with more abstract foreground or the writer's skillful conveying a simple overall message with detailed character moments.
• Zatanna does cruise ships? Of course, she does (Countdown).
• Sinestro's ingeniously evil method of "defeating" his successor on Korugar (GLC).
• Hey, Green Arrow's becoming a hero in Green Arrow: Year One. Who knew? He turned a huge corner for me when he found dead bodies in a well and his first thought wasn't, "Damn! Corpses in my water!" but rather, "Who did this to these people?"
• Superman still knows how to make an entrance (Teen Titans).
• The things that made me happy in IDW's first issue of Star Trek: Year Four are enough to merit a separate post.
• Wonder Woman straddling a nuclear missile in flight (WW); nothing says "more fun comics" than Wonder Woman straddling a nuclear missile in flight.

The Shape of Things To Come

I am beginning to believe that this

Fig. 1

is the structure of the current DC Multiverse.

Okay, sure; we all know that "52 universes" only developed from the working title of maxi-series, labelled thus because of how many weeks of issues it had. Pure happenstance....

OR
IS
IT?!?!?!?

Today I don my tin-foil hat (loaned to me by master conspiracy theorist Ben "Tin-Foil" Hatton) in an attempt to cobble together some sort of sensible reason that there should be 52 earths rather than any other number, and how New Earth can be the "first earth among equals".

What I've settled on is that the 52 universes represent the fourth degree of the decagonal figurate number series. I won't bore you with most of the mathematics (Blogger isn't designed for that kind of typing; besides, that's what Wikipedia is for). Suffice it to say that figurate numbers are those generated by the regular expansion of a polygon according to a standard geometric pattern/mathematical formula. One look at some examples, and you'll get it intuitively (see Fig. 2).

Fig. 2

The number 52 is generated by the extrapolation of a decagon (a ten-sided polygon). If you'll count the number of dots in Figure 1, you'll see there are 52 of them ...

ONE
FOR
EACH
EARTH!

Yes, this truth is definitely "out there".

According to, well, me, the "initial point" at the rightmost part of Figure 1 represents "New Earth". On the one hand, it's a dot just like all the rest; on the other hand, it's the one dot that is found on each of the successive decagons. It represents the first degree of the decagonal figurate series; it is the first among equals. Q. E. D.!

The two dots adjacent to "New Earth" are, of course, "Earth 1" and "Earth 2". They are conceptually closest to New Earth. Together, those three earths are the basis for the "inner circle" of earths, which includes the most familiar ones.

Maybe it'll be easier if I just show it to you...

Fig. 3

Sorry, Marty, I didn't have time to make it exactly to scale, but you get the idea.

Two structural questions remain:

Why is the structure of the multiverse decagonal?

Well, my answer may be rather metatextual, but I'm personally going to pretend it's manifestation of the Ten Iconic Characters that constitute the mythic rock on which the DCU is based (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Vibe).

Why are we now at the fourth degree of the series (which is: 1, 10, 27, 52...)(a.k.a. Sloane's A001107)?

Perhaps because of the three reboots (Crisis, Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis)? Perhaps to represent the four Ages of Continuity (Golden, Silver-Bronze, Post-Crisis, New Earth)? Perhaps because we're now supplanting the Fourth World? Whatever works for your personal conspiracy needs.

And to the editors at DC: please feel free to utilize my diagram! Hey, I like to give back when I can...!

The National Periodicals Table of Story Elements

A collaboration between Jon Carey and me.

11 x 17 posters of this chart are for sale at Big Monkey Comics DC!

Attack of the Pod People!

The latest installment of the Big Monkey Comics Podcast is (finally) on line!

Not even Big Mike Pellegrino will be able shoot boxing gloves arrows fast enough to defend Green Arrow from the bashing that the Podpanelist give him! Listen to Ben stand his ground as it give out from underneath him!

Which one of the Podpanelists LOVES the Skrull reveal? See whether you can guess in advance, and hear who we think is a Skrull.

Then, at Ben "I Love Girl Comics!" Hatton's insistence, we discuss something call "inn - dee com -icks"; I wasn't paying attention because I was reading Action Philosophers at the time and cleaning my monocle...

Let me know what you think of the show!

But, you know... only if you like it.

Give Me Crack! Give Me Speed!

Thank you, Image Comics!

I think that this news is the best thing since sliced bread.

Now, a lot of people will be excited at the idea of anthology book with such a large number of talented creators. What I am grooving on is taking Golden Age characters and writing them in a Golden Age style.

A new issue of Crack Comics? Crack Comics that gave us Captain Triumph, the Clock, and the gaytacular Black Condor? I've been waiting for this since before I was born!

There's been plenty of love at DC for Golden Age characters. The front ranks of the DCU's heroes are filled with Golden Agers (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, Ted Grant, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Aqua-- oh, wait; I forgot...), and the Golden Age DC group, the Justice Society, now enjoys unprecedented respect. At times, we've even been given some glimpses into past "untold" adventures of such characters from early in their careers, giving them a depth the characters didn't originally possess.

But telling a story with Golden Age characters in it or a story set in the Golden Age isn't the same as telling a story in the Golden Age style. And that is what I've been missing, and what I hoping will delight me about the Next Issue Project. The flat color, the deep shading, the weird perspective! The exposition, the compression, the Starmanly drama! I'm hoping it'll be a shot of espresso after decades of weak tea. I'm hoping "this is going to be OOMPHY."

Though I'm eagerly awaiting the "Clock" story, I'm also jazzed about seeing new stories for characters I've never even heard of. "Sub Saunders"? "Capt. Kidd"? I love them already. I'm already thinking of having custom clix made of them for my Aquaman Heroclix games (or at least tokens), and I haven't even seen them.

To me, the great tragedy of art (be it musical, literary, or visual) is that the evolution of a new style always seems to displace an old one. A natural human reaction, perhaps, but not, I think, always a necessary one. The fugue, the sonnet, the allegorical painting-- such modes of expression are just as valid as they ever were, still as potentially enjoyable, still as deserving of new composition. So, too, Golden Age comic book storytelling.

If you do not buy this comic,
J. Edgar Hoover will note it in your permanent record.

The Next Issue Project is also well timed. More and more, I get the feeling that many younger comic books readers think of Silver Age comics as "how comics started out"; they imagine that the wan and bloodless Superman secret identity farces of the Eisenhower era are the beginning of superhero comics. This is puzzling (and a shame), since reprints of Golden Age stories are now more accessible than ever before (well, assuming one has a very healthy wallet, at least!).

I have shocked younger friends by sharing with them the pungency and potency of the adventures of Golden Age heroes. I've seen them come away with a new and deeper respect for an artform they already loved, when they discover that Grant Morrison didn't invent violating the Fourth Wall and that Neil Adams wasn't the first person to draw figures extruding outside of their panel boxes. I love watching them discover that if Golden Age artists weren't masters of detailed anatomy, they were masters of grand composition; that if Golden Age writers weren't masters of subtle characterization, they were masters of powerful plotting; and that if Golden Age editors didn't demand big stories, they demanded stories created in a big way.

Will the Next Issue Project bring that kind of realization to a broader audience? Perhaps not directly. But it is my hope that when readers see how many stellar modern creators respect the Golden Age style enough to try their hand at it, they just may become interested in finding out why that is so.

Scipio's Birthday (Observed)

Yesterday was my birthday, which this year happened to fall on Vin Diesel's Birthday (Observed) on the Absorbascon Calendar. Our schedules didn't allow us to celebrate it together this year, so I spent a very quiet day walking the dog, getting a haircut, tidying up the house, and hanging my Patrick Gleeson Aquaman art. It was utterly delightful.

But...

I had to admit there's a gift I want that I haven't gotten:

THUGS.

No, seriously. Not real-life thugs, but the new "Thug" Heroclix token in the recently released Marvel Expansion Set "Avengers" (AvB008).


Why do I want Thugs? Because they are exactly what "bystander tokens" should be used for, and Wizkids has finally figured that out!

Bystander tokens were introduced in the Heroclix, oh, quite a few sets ago. At first, they were exactly what the name implied: bystanders. They were one-click generics: the Scientist, the Security Guard, the Paper Boy, the Skipper, the Millionaire and His Wife, and the Rest. There were no special rules for them, however, so they quickly became "meat shields" (figures you used to keep your valuable figures from being targeted). I have always found that unpleasant and inappropriate; I play Heroclix to replicate the feel of comic book battles, not to have scores of paperboys and deli workers running interference for Doomsday.

The scenes became even more ridiculous when tokens became the way of representing heroes' supporting cast members. Really, nothing spoils the "comic book feel" of a game better than watching Ma & Pa Kent tackle Batman so that the Joker can throw a grenade at him or "hearing" Superman say, "I'll carry baby Lian Harper in front of me as a shield, so that when Luthor attacks, it will kill the child instead of mussing my hair!"

What you (well, I, at least) want is tokens for generic bad guys, the guys whose job really is to serve as "meat shields" for the villains, to tackle Batman while the Joker readies his grenade. Ya know: goons.

There've been goons in Heroclix before. The first two sets gave us four such figures (Criminal, Thug, Henchman, Lackey). Problem was, as figures, they each had at least 3 to 5 clicks of life, so you paid in points for excess clicks that weren't useful at all. A related problem -- their stats had to be really crappy to keep the point cost down -- made them an even worse value. And, since there are only so many figures in each set, players didn't like valuable slots to be taken up by crappy no-names. Then, when "bystander tokens" came along, they were superseded.

The advent of the new Thug token signals the solution: tokens designed to be used by villains as cannon fodder. But my problem is...

I don't have any. Nor do I have any efficient way of getting any.

THAT is what I want for my birthday: Thug tokens. Lots and lots of Thug tokens. Please! If you know of anyone who has extra Thug tokens, I would LOVE to have them. I'll even pay the postage! I just want to surround my villains -- particularly my Batman Enemies -- with Thugs.

Even if I don't deserve them, the Batman Enemies do.

Society Signatures: STARMAN!

Starman.

Or, rather,

STARMAN!

Why didn't I think of it sooner? Starman solves all problems. Starman is the ne plus ultra. Starman will supply me with a new signature saying.

In his later years, Starman used to spend weekends dancing at the disco with his Twin Twirling Pick-Axes of Fabulousness. In fact, Kyle Rayner lost one of his girlfriends that way.

That's a fairly fun phrase, but it doesn't really work unless one is spinning a pick-axe in each hand. Try getting on the Metro that way.

Let's give it another try, shall we?

When your life is as DRAMA-filled as Starman's, you develop the kind of nonchalance that classifies an attacking squadron of enemy planes as "some mischief".

Well, that's fine, but a bit generic.

Hm. This isn't what I was hoping for. I need something different. Something special. Something that only Starman could come up with...



Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. End of contest. Not only is

"Hit the ground! This is going to be oomphy!"

my new signature phrase, I hereby offer it to the world. Everyone deserves to be saying "Hit the ground! This is going to be oomphy!". When your spellchecker doesn't like it, just add it to the dictionary, as I just did.

Shut your trap, you stupid bullethead;
it's a Starman-y word.

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• The Awesome Human Flying Fish.
• Batman completely pwned the Legion of Super Heroes. Priceless.
• Catman's "dear John" letter.
• Cal Durham's cape, with all its glorious pointlessness and impracticality.
  
• Finally, after decades, someone put a stop to Wally's incessant interior monologue. Maybe I'll be able to stand him now!
• I keep trying to drop Catwoman; but I can't because Will Pfeiffer writes it too well.
• Stryker's Island is west of Metropolis? Hm. That's strange... .
• Billy and the ants.
• Kryptonian babootch reference? Nice.
• The real Awesome Human Flying Fish.
• Dr. Allard's accident. Certainly didn't see THAT coming, Tad!
• Wow; do NOT screw with Oracle.
• He's come along way from being a Killer Elvis, hasn't he? Or has he?
• The "Rude Mechanicals"? Genius. Kurt Busiek should just be forced to generate villains for Superman 8 hours a day.
• You do realize that's not really Athena, don't you?
• The sideburns make Tim Drake really really hot.
• So ... THAT's who's behind Amazons Attack. Clever, Will; didn't see it coming.
• Batman using the Siamese Human Knot? So brilliant I almost fainted.
• It's not a soldier's job to stop war, Superman; just to win it.
• The real frickin' Awesome Human Flying Fish, people!
• The Punishment of Inertia. Now, that's legendary, and I mean that literally.
• If you think coffee makes you irritable, well, don't try kryptonite.
• Batman holding a baby. Works every time.
  
• Oh my god, it's the Robin Revenge Squad!
• "Una"? Cute.
• Billy and the cockroaches.
• People beating up Kobra. Works every time.
  
• Well, of course that's what the Palmerverse looks like. What did you expect?
  
• Dirty, stinking Rannians fear the Absorbascon? Damned right they do!
• The real frickin' Awesome Human Flying Fish kicking butt!
• For those who don't catch it, that one panel is from Jimmy Olsen #44, "The Wolf-Man of Metropolis", which is reprinted in the new trade, "The Amazing Transformations of Jimmy Olsen", available at Big Monkey Comics.
• Why Holly leaves Gotham.
• Enforcing respect for teachers.
• The return of "the Jimmy Olsen Look" and the reason for it.
• Okay; didn't expect to see a Batman costume come out of that.
  
• The ad for the Iceberg Lounge.
• GIGANTIC Captain Marvel!
• So ... THAT's who's behind the sinking of San Diego. Clever, Tad; didn't seen it coming.
• The Return of the Kryptonite Monkey. I just love the Kryptonite Monkey.
• The real frickin' Awesome Human Flying Fish kicking Aquafake's butt!

Central City Haiku

By now, most people are aware of the phantasmagoraphobical horror that is Central City and its insane effects. But most people aren't aware that Central City is large enough that it developed sentience. Stuff like that happens in comics; remember the Construct?

Anyway, like most sentient beings, it really doesn't care about anything other than itself, and so usually is pretty quiet. I mean, who's it going to talk to... Keystone? I can't imagine Keystone is much of a conversationalist; it probably just talks about NASCAR and American Idol.

Occasionally, though, if the situation is sufficiently dire, Central City will talk out loud to itself about its concerns (but unless you're Jack Hawksmoor, you're not going to overhear it).

Such is the case in this example, where Central City actually managed to compose a self-concerned haiku entitled "There It Is":

"It's enormous! A
tornado that size could cause
terrible damage!"

How big does something have to be for Central City to consider it enormous? I don't want to think about it.

Do you possess enough sentience to compose a haiku about Central City or the danger it faces?