Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Madness of Queen Jean, 4

Okay, so Jean Loring's gone crazy (I mean, publicly, in a way people can't help but notice), Ray's locked her in his bedroom while he explores the rug, and his arm's been mysterious encased in silver. Just another day in Ivytown.

Suddenly, Ray's attacked by Don Quixote and gives us a judo lesson.

They just don't write 'em like this anymore, folks.
Well, except for Judd Winick.

Ray's about to get zapped by Mister La Mancha's argentrifier, when he escapes by de-shrinkifying, which cracks the silver casing on his arms. Upon enbiggenment, Ray discovers...


It's such a lovely image. Helmet-haired Jean Loring, in those kicky white boots, lurching around the suburbs of Ivytown, whirling a cigarette stand above her head like a drunk Nancy Sinatra, escaped from her backstage handlers at the LA Pride Festival.

Is "a drunk Nancy Sinatra" a redundancy?

Now, if I discovered that


I'd call off the FBI manhunts for the Joker and Lex Luthor, signal the JLA, the JLA reserves, the JSA, the Freedom Fighters, and the Sea Devils, recall the 50 Green Lanterns who guard Superboy Prime, and leave a note in a time capsule for the Legion of Super-Heroes (because they are notorious for eavesdropping on our era).

But Ray Palmer is not me. Ray Palmer calls Hawkman.

Fortunately (because this is how comics worked in those days), Carter "Hawkman" Hall just happens to have lying around in his museum a suit of armor identical to the one worn by the Atom's assailant.

See? And you thought Ray was stupid for calling him.

The armor, Carter says, was found in Death Valley and appears to be made of an extraterrestrial alloy. So instead of being in a government lab, being studied, it just sits around in a museum somewhere. Welcome to the Silver Age.

You know who should play Hawkman in "Hawkman: The Movie"?
Josh Bernstein. Josh Bernstein in spandex and a harness.

Naturally, they go to where the suit was found, Ray turns a shrinky-dink ray on Hawkman, then they discover a subatomic city (by this point in his career, everything Ray does is "subatomic", not just tiny; no wonder they named it the Palmerverse), where they are immediately attacked by sentries flying on robot birds.

Why? Mostly to give Hawkman something to do, I suppose. Besides, mechanized birds were kind of a thing in the Silver Age. Remember Major Mynah?

Atom: "Sic 'em!"
Hawkman: "Wait, so, I'm your dog, now?"

Atom: "Silence, beeyotch, or I'll slap you like I did Jean and Hank Pym's wife."

Well, naturally, Hawkman does what Hawkman does, and takes out all the cyberavian sentries.

"Exactly as I hoped--!
The unexpected surge of lift drove him into his companion!"

, I find my signature saying.

But what's this? Who does not approve?

No, Hawkman; not "Jean Loring". Rather, it is...


And what does Queen Jean do to bad little boys and girls?


Someones appears to have attached the "Trick Shot" feat to Queen Jean, huh? I guess only truly crazy people can fire in a loop-de-loop.

With Hawkman (the muscle) out of commission, the Atom (the brains) immediately gets clocked in the noggin by Don Quixote, who trusses them up in anti-theft devices, and explains that he drove Jean crazy with a crazy-making device (or possibly just by reading her Denny O'Neill's script for this story).

Why drive Jean crazy? Because he doesn't like long trips, that's why.


after Hawkman and Atom bond while wearing harnesses, doing heavy sweat work, and sleeping in the same cell, they fall for each other (with Josh Bernstein as "Hawkman", and Jake Gyllenhaal as "the Atom").


SallyP said...

Well it's nice to know that Jean's general nuttyness has an explanation. It's inherited!

With all of this in her background, exactly WHY was anyone surprised when she went ballistic with that flamethrower?

Anonymous said...

"argentrifier"? "embiggenment"? "cyberavian"?

I knew it was a mistake to let "ginormous" into the dictionary...

Nate said...

I love that trick shot on Hawkman. He'd just dodge a regular beam or bullet. Put pull out the loop-de-loop ray and take him out of the sky!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so lemme get this straight....

There's a sub-atomic kingdom whose government is a hereditary monarchy led by crazy female rulers?

Where is it and how do I get there?

Scipio said...

It's in Death Valley.

Really, Allan! Keep up with the plot! This is the Silver Age, where alien invasion begin and are halted in 7 pages, not Brad Meltzer's JLA, where lunch takes 5 issues...

Anonymous said...

But it's a seven course lunch Scipio!

Seven courses!

Anything less than five issues would do such a meal a huge disservice!