Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Madness of Queen Jean, 2

When last we left Jean Loring, she was hallucinating the same face of some creepy guy on every person she saw.

And, really, how creepy do you have to be to scare Jean Loring, for pity's sake?

I should think that if the alternative is seeing the Face of Jean Loring,
the face of this executed murderer would be a relief.

So, instead of seeking help, like a normal, sane person, Jean, who was the model for "Cole" in Twelve Monkeys, decides to lie down.

Is that the world's worst briefcase or the world's best chocolate bar?

Wait.... lie down? Uh-oh...

Now, if you know Jean Loring, you know that this is bad news. Bad things happen when Jean Loring goes to bed. Remember, what Jean was doing in Identity Crisis when she told Ray she stepped on one of her best friends' brains to help cement their love? Yes; lying in bed.

When Jean Loring lies down, watch out. Jean does most of her crazy evil lying down in bed.

Ten Bed Partners Safer Than Jean Loring
  1. The Joker
  2. Norman Bates
  3. Poison Ivy
  4. Major Force
  5. Jason Voorhees
  6. a six-foot female praying mantis
  7. Kyle Rayner
  8. Jeff Palmer
  9. A black widow spider
  10. Senator Craig

After the Crazy Evil builds itself up in Jean as she lies in bed, affable physicist Ray Palmer arrives at her hotel (which, being in Ivytown, is known for hosting Freaked-Out Conventions). Why does Jean live at a hotel? I assume because no one will sell her a condo. I mean, can you imagine what happens to your property values when Jean Loring becomes your neighbor?

"Somebody's flipped!"
Hm... now, who could that be?
Who could that possibly be? Could it be....


"P-Please, Miss Loring!"
Oh, how many people have died with those as their last words!

Hm. Vases break too easily. Gotta find something sturdier, something with some heft. But still swingable...

Yeah, she'd never lose control like that;
she'd use a flamethrower.

I'm not sure whether Jean's attacking that bellboy with a cigarette stand or a weight from her rampagerobics class. Whatever it is, at least the hotel lobby doesn't have any flamethrowers lying around.

You know, I really hope this would be my reaction to hallucinating. Rather than saying, "Okay, this is very odd, and disturbing, and doesn't seem to be improving. I need to seek the help of a physician, mental health professional, or my superhero genius boyfriend who has the resources of the entire Justice League, including a telepath, at his disposal."
Because that would be boring. Sane, but boring.

Having dated Jean for quite some time, Ray appears to have gotten pretty blaise about this sort of thing.

"Okay, Jean; let's save this for the Ranting Room at home!"

Really, it's the one way he recognizes her: "Oh, this isn't just a random person having a conniption; she's completely out of her mind! Yep, this is my Jean, alright!"

Then comes ....

One of Comic Books' Greatest Moments

And if Hank Pym's wife were here, I'd slap her around, too! And everyone would still love me!

If I had what the kids call "mad skillz" like Jon Carey, I'd make an animation out of that panel, with Ray endlessly slapping Jean, and her going from wide-eyed mania to closed-eyed pain, and him with that same unnervingly amused look on his face, with the crinkly laugh-lines around his eyes and a barely restrained chuckle on his smirking mouth. Then I'd wear it on a digital brooch.


Eat your heart out, Hank Pym. When a Marvel hero slaps his wife, he becomes the Symbol of Male Evil For All Time. When a DC hero slaps his wife, she thanks him for it.


Nate said...

Point of order: I think we've figured out that Senator Craig doesn't have bed partners.

SallyP said...

So Ray gets to hit Jean...and gets thanked for it! Yes, there is justice in this world. If ever there was a person in sound need of a good slapping, it has to be Jean Loring. And unlike poor old Hank Pym, Ray isn't even schizophrenic when he does it!

There is also a reason that there aren't any flamethrowers lying around in the lobby. The hotel learned its lesson after that earlier...incident. I guess they settled out of ocurt.

Anonymous said...

As Adam Barnett keeps showing us, no Marvelite slaps his wife around better than Reed Richards. And yet Hank Pym gets all the bad press.

Anonymous said...

A digital broach - I want to make one for you now, out of my spare broach parts. Everyone you meet deserves to be entertained by wacky Ray Palmer's pimp slap.

Anonymous said...

Hit her again, Ray. Pop her one for Sue!

JYD said...

Man, Ray has some serious stones to strike the madness of Loring.

I hate how Jean looks in Identity Crisis, she just reminds of Cherie Blair, wife of the former Prime Minister.


And as much as I dislike TB I could never imagine him sending his wife to assasinate Sue Dibny. Unless Sue had a lot of oil. A-ha ha ha.[/satire]

Anonymous said...

from that link under "dangerous bed partners"
>>Palmer remains outspoken on what he calls the "HIV myth", speaking out against the FDA and major drug companies[2].<<