Saturday, August 06, 2005

Vox Populi, Vox DC

Oh, my! It seems my post on kid sidekicks for villains struck a nerve!

Here are the villian sidekicks who've been suggested so far:

Capt. Boomerang: Cadet Boomerang
Weather Wizard: Weather Wizzkid
Dik Flash (the Reverse Kid Flash)
Capt. Cold: Corporal Cold
Trickster: 'Lil Trickster
Pied Piper: Pied Recorder
Mirror Master: Mirror Apprentice
Killer Moth: Pupa
Abra Kadabra: Allah Kazzam
Fisherman: Bait Boy
Star Sapphire: Twinkle
Parasite: Leech Lad
Red Panzer: Master Schmitt
Killer Frost: Cold Shoulder
Black Bison: Foal
Typhoon: Squall
Multiplex: Arthouse (okay, now THAT'S funny....)
The Riddler: Query
Solomon Grundy: Grundling
Gorilla Grodd: Monkeyboy
Doctor Light: Dim-Bulb
Black Manta: Kid Ray
Mr. IQ: Master GPA

Anyone else want to play?

P.S. Gail Simone, I know you read this blog; give us some evil kid sidekicks, please!

Jimmy's Make-Over


Gee, Supergirl ...

how can you tell?


Why is there a Jimmy Olsen at all? Seems simple to me: Jimmy is the Fanboy Personified. Poorly dressed, self-important, and inept, Jimmy is slavishly devoted to a superhero.

But Superman loves him anyway. And that is the secret of Jimmy's popularity.

Robin is cool; Robin deserves to hang out with Batman. But, face it; Robin is WAY cooler than we are. In fact, Robin is cooler than anyone else in the DCU. It's as hard to identify with Robin as it is with Batman.

But Jimmy? Well, not only is Jimmy not cooler than we are, Jimmy's not cooler ... than anybody. But nevertheless he hangs out with Superman and Superman rewards him with friendship simply because Jimmy has the ultimate fanboy quality: loyalty.

So, even though Jimmy is the stupidest person in the DCU (which is saying alot, in a universe that contains Lana Lang), he has his own fan club.

Kind of like Millarworld.

Cub Moron

Let's see where was I .... oh, yes, kick-boxing four-year-old girls.


Yep, that'll make a great scoop alright: "Redheaded Reporter Dies in Fall". I'll bet Perry goes down to Printing and typesets that one personally.

So, what scoop do you think Jimmy was hoping to get?
"Bottomless Pit Discovered to Be Large Hole in Ground"?
"Lax Security Endangers Park Goers"?
"Teen Sex Murder Victims' Bodies Found in Local Landmark"?

This panel is more evidence that, well, there's just something wrong with Jimmy Olsen's brain. I guess the mind can only take so much exposure to Amnesium, and Elastic Serum, and Wolfman Serum, and Giant Turtle Rays, and Porcupinification, and Lucy Lane.

Oh, and three guesses what happens in the next panel.

Rex and Ray


Remember when I suggested that the Atom and Rex the Wonder Dog would be great together?

Well, apparently I'm not the only person who thinks so, judging from this drawing by Gil Kane, who drew adventures for each of them!

This sketch, by the way, is from The Justice League Companion by Michael Eury, which I got as a birthday gift from a very nice person.

It's full of fascinating facts about the ultimate supehero group, Consider getting a copy for yourself ... or a friend!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Taking Stock


More Blogshare stock has been issued in the Absorbascon for those interested in owning a virtual piece of the pie...

Character Donations #64-65


Mongul.

Let's see...

Idiotic pun-based named with vague cultural reference? Check.

Shiny bits and extraneous techo-doo-dads on costume, with Kirbyesque stylings including unlikely headgear? Check.

Darkseid-lite homeworld, job, goals, opponents? Check.

Failure of repeated attempts by writers and editor to weave him into the overall fabric of the DCU? Check.

Mongul, enjoy Marvel.

You, too, Mongal!

Holy Icons!

Pics of the new ICONS set of DC Heroclix.

Opening a Can of Sardines

This about 10,000 time scarier than the Brainiac clix. Yes, I paid someone to make me a Human Flying Fish customized Heroclix figure. After all, Vic (as we, his friends, call him) is one of our guest columnists.

I remember the first time I saw the Human Flying Fish. I remember exactly which room I was in, which way I was facing, what the weather was like. It's like how civilians remember where they were when they heard Kennedy was shot, or the Challenger had blown up, or Saved By The Bell had been cancelled.

It was in Super Friends #1, November 1976, "The Fury of the SuperFoes". See, that's him, to the right of the perfidious Penguin. Before the Legion of Doom was a glint in Lex Luthor's beady eye, the Penguin gathered a team composed of enemies of the SuperFriends, one a piece. They specified that the Penguin was in charge but they needn't have, because, you know ... he's the Penguin. Of course he was in charge. You should have seen him whoop Superman's hiney with his super-robot in the next issue...but I digress.

Anyway, Superman's foe was the Toy Man (*snicker*), Batman & Robin's foes were Poison Ivy (tramp!) and the Penguin (waughk!), Wonder Woman's foe was the Cheetah (rrrowwwr!), and Aquaman's was THE AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH.

"How dorky," I thought, or whatever term we used in those days. "Only a comic based on that hokey show would make up som
eone as stupid as the Human Flying Fish." Oh, the callow shallowness of youth! Many times have I pondered that, with access to a Time Bubble, I would (forgoing travels to any world-altering Jonblar junctures in space-time) head right to the moment I said that, and, appearing in shimmering multi-colored lights characteristic of silver-age time travel, wallop my young self in the skull with the Aquaman Archive, which (as everyone now knows) contains the original Human Flying Fish story. "Ssssstupid child," I would hiss in my best Kobra-lissssp, anger squiggles radiating dramatically around my head, "now you die!" And then the Phantom Stranger would show up...but I digress.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice! The SuperFoes, inspired by the examples of Wendy and Marvin (!?!?!?!!), have taken on sidekicks of their own. Are you ready? Chick (*snicker*), Honeysuckle (*titter*), Kitten (*giggle*), Sardine (*snort*), and--


wait for it


--Toy Boy. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! Oh, Toy Man you were born before your time....!
Don't believe me? See for yourself...
"Kind of a box-in-a-box, eh, Toyman?"
"Good, Toyboy--nearly got me with your trick!"

Oh, I know what you're thinking: "Leave Toyboy and his trick-turning box alone! You're just a dirty old man reading sexual subtext into an innocent child criminal! It's not like they show him into leather boots or hooded bondage or grappling with older daddy-types for goodness sakes!"

To which I say:"Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. I apologize."


Anyway, Chick has a crisis of conscience after visiting the Hall of Justice (jeez, Pengers, can't you find a real delinquent?) and betrays the SuperFoes (Ssssstupid child!).

What's the point of this rant ... merely that the return of the Human Flying Fish is long overdue? His return is overdue, true, but my real point is... kid sidekicks for villains is an idea whose time has come.

If you do not agree, take it up with Deathstroke and Ravager.





For Dorian, But No One Else


1. The former. 2. NA 3. NA 4. NA 5. Better.

So So Silverage; you're next.

Dumb and Dumber


Well, whaddaya know.

Vin Diesel's won the part of the Martian Manhunter in "Vibe! The Movie, Meng". Looks like he wasted no time getting over to Wardrobe.... This will work out well. Next to Vin, even Mario Lopez will seem masculine.

The next part to cast is "Steel". Not John Henry Irons (a part only the brilliant acting of Shaq could do justice), but Steel the Wolverine rip-off with the fake Golden Age background.

I'm going to need help with suggestions, because we need someone phenomenally stupid. Remember, Steel's such a severe idiot he spent his entire life in repeated unnecessary surgeries replacing his skeleton and innards with artificial parts just because he grandfather told him to. A man with a mind so dim Aquaman can control him like a halibut. A man who makes Jimmy Olsen look like Lex Luthor.

Complicating our casting ENORMOUSLY is your (really poor) choice of Mario Lopez to play Vibe. How the heck can we find an actor who's dumber than Mario Lopez?

I mean, other than Casper Van Dien.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Poor Jimmy

Despite the enjoyment I get from (making fun of) old comic books, I've never picked on Jimmy Olsen. Making fun of Jimmy Olsen is like kick-boxing a 4-year-old girl; somehow, it just doesn't seem right.


I mean, this panel alone is proof the boy has a serious mental problem...
Three guesses what happens in the next panel.

Purdy, ain't it?

Coming soon to a beach near you.

Bleaching didn't work, did it, Dick?


There is nothing I can say to make this any worse than it already is.
Oh, wait, now I've got it:
"Bruce Gives Up Dick for a Woman."

A Perfect Storm


I've never said anything nice about Alex Ross.

Quite the opposite.

But now I will.

Good job, Alex!

Thanks for having the guts to put Aquaman on the giant sea-horse!

Just Like a Gypsy



The winner is in!

Zooey Deschanel
gets to play Gypsy in "Vibe! The Movie, Meng".

Next up: The Martian Manhunter. The candidates are:

Buff B.O.Q. Vin Diesel;
M.A.S.H.'s David Ogden Stiers

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Where Does He Get Those Wonderful Toys?

That's what I get asked every time I show one of the my custom clicks. Well, I certainly don't make them myself! One of our regular Absorbascommenters, Totaltoyz, makes them for me.

You can check out more of his stuff for auction on Ebay, including a new auction on All-Star Squadron custom clix (starting tomorrow night).

Choice Quotes from this Week's Comics

"Arthur? There's a shark here for you."
Justice #1

"You're just an old man who wishes he was as cool as the Flash!"
Justice League Unlimited

"Tell Luthor that Firestorm is on the way."
Firestorm

"I swear I'll beat you within an inch of your life."
Aquaman

"It was a waste, and it was needless, and ... and no one cared."
JSA

The Vurm Re-Turns!


Surely you remember Starman's monocled enemy, the Infuriated Vurm?

He's back and badder than ever, with a deadly new arsenal that includes

Directional Wave-Length Perfection!

The Giant Televiso-Screen!

Metropolitan Quake Projection!

Villains, even Starman's, can be so silly sometimes! Dude ... it's 1940 and you just invented

Satellite dish broadcasting!

Wide-screen flat-panel HDTV!

Reality television shows and the Weather Channel!

Forget the scheming, Vurm, just file the dang patents and become an overnight trillionaire communications/entertainment mogul. Then get to work on the remote, because you're going to sprain your neck using that plunger lever to operate the teevee, which is obviously on the wrong wall...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Digital Reaper Has Arrived.

Brainaic is coming to kill you.
Your destruction is a mathematical certainty...

... once he has eliminated Superman.


In the Silver Age


In the Silver Age...

I felt much safer, knowing that Green Arrow was running around at all times with an Atomic Warhead Arrow in his quiver.

Didn't you?

Vibe, the Movie, Meng! Who Will Play Gypsy?


The originator of the role of "Pretzel Cart Lesbian", Selma Blair!
Star of stage and screen, Tiffany-Amber Thiessen!
"B. Monkey" star Asia Argento!
Starpowered Elizabeth Taylor!
Button-cute Zooey Deschenel!
Team-oriented LeeLee Sobieski!
Mia Kunis, who learned English from watching Saved By the Bell!
Spunky Jennifer Capps!
Family-friendly RuPaul!

YOU will decide!

Character Donation #62



Lobo

'Nuff said.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Vibe! Update


I guess starpower counts for something!

Unremittant moron (but undeniable beefcake) Mario Lopez (host of the "Pet Star", which is part of Animal Planet's outpatient arrangement with the Home for Formerly Famous Actors) is the winner of the "Who Gets to Play Vibe in 'Vibe the Movie'"?

Now, I'm going to pretend I'm not upset that you chose to play the godlike Vibe a man as stupid as Mario. A man so stupid that he repeatedly asks contestants holding dachshunds "What kind of dog is that?"

It's a dachshund, you friggin' moron, the sixth most common breed in America with an unmistakably unique and famously amusing profile. What does it look like, a sheepdog? Then, each time, he mispronounces it afterwards.

Mario's stupidity is IMMUNE to remediation; even though he hosts what is essentially a dog show on Animal Planet, he always seems like he just walked off the set of Saved By The Bell. Even Tiffany-Amber Gleeson knows what a dachshund is, you stupid slab of beef, and if you weren't so focused on covering up the fact that you're a HUGE QUEEN, you could remember it, too! RAHRR!!

Anyway, I'm not upset about his winning at all. I'll just sit there and wait for the scene where he's strangled by the Ivoid. Oh, yes... I'll pay $7.50 to see that. Besides, maybe some snappy dachshund contestant will finally flip over not being recognized and bite off his nose like an alien facehugger, leaving the part for gay porn star Talvin Demachio. Talvin looks more like Vibe, is a better actor than Mario, has a Latin accent, and, given his resume, could convincingly wield vibratory powers.

On to the rest of the cast! I need help choosing a female actor to play Gypsy.

Any suggestions?

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Character Donations #59-60: Cannon & Sabre


DC does have an excess of characters, so Devon of Seven Hells and I have been "donating" some to Marvel. Devon's latest donation was of Vigilante II, III, and IV (even though IV's not appeared yet!).

But DC does NOT have an excess of gay characters, so, believe me, I'm not strongly motivated to lose any of the ones it has. Yet, as a DC fan, I am made of stern moral stuff, so justice must be done. And so, it is with a semi-heavy heart that I now donate two characters who first appeared as Vigilante (II) villains: Cannon & Sabre.

In April 1984, Cannon & Sabre were introduced in Vigilante #5, written by Marv Wolfman. Cannon & Sabre were created by Marv Wolfman. All Marv Wolfman characters belong in the Marvel Universe. Therefore, Cannon & Sabre belong in the Marvel Universe.

They were gay; that's okay. They were villains; that's okay, too. They were lovers; that's really okay, because gay characters often aren't allowed to have relationships for fear that what readers will accept in the abstract they will reject when it becomes concrete. Okay, Marv; props for all that, then.

But that's as far as the good goes.

Cannon & Sabre use unnatural Wolfmanese to hit you over the head with their relationship. For example .... "m'love". Now, I know a good many gay people. Enough to fill several football stadiums (I mean, not that we'd ever GO to one, of course!). Yet I have NEVER heard a single ONE call ANYONE "m'love" under ANY circumstances ... even in jest. Then again, I don't know any straight people who talk like the straight characters in a Wolfman book either.

Cannon & Sabre have classically stupid codenames. Marvel characters are usually named after some noun that relates to their power, or a pun, or a "cute" pairing with another character. Cloak & Dagger are the classic example. What actually happens is that a writer needs some characters, grabs a random phrase out of their mental dictionary and conjures up someone to go with the words in the phrase. It's like City of Heroes meets Madlibs. "Meet FOLD, who can manipulate matter and space, SPINDLE, who fires gale-force spikes, and MUTILATE, the man-crushing giant!"

Cannon & Sabre. have the WRONG stupid codenames. Cannon is an expert with sharp pointy stuff. Sabre is a munitions expert. Hardy har har, Marv; what witty comic book irony! I bet that SLAYED them at the Wizard offices! Pass the wretching bucket, please...

Cannon & Sabre are assassins. Costumed assassins are very Marvel. DC does villains. Wacked out, hairbrained, fish-poisoning, baby-suffocating, disintegration-tube-wielding, villains. When DC villians kill people, they don't kill assignments for money; they kill strangers or enemies for fun. That's why DC villains evoke fear and Marvel villains evoke pity.

Cannon, Sabre, m'love; you gotta go, guys. Besides .... those outfits! I mean, eek. Cannon (obviously the domestic one) wears a full-body oven mitt and brandishes one of the prongs for testing whether your cake is done. Sabre (the butch one, I guess) apparently wears pirate boots while playing paintball. Girls, please, go shopping ... in the Marvel Universe.

Oh, and if Northstar's alive nowadays, give him my regards!



It's Official!

The results of our poll on, "What's your favorite criticism of Hal?"

Hal's snitty. 3%
Hal's a sexist pig. 21%
Hal's a jackass. 34%
Hal's a windbag. 5%
Hal is sketchy. 5%
Hal's a goober. 13%
Hal's a whiny slacker. 11%
Hal's a moron. 8%Notice ... the smart ones (Batman and The Martian Manhunter) aren't particularly surprised.

Cast DC's Next Cinematic Triumph!

As you know, we've been casting what should logically be DC's next cinematic triumph,

"Vibe, The Movie, Meng!".

Slack-jawed yokel Kevin Federline has been in the lead, but, sadly, his agent called and told me he's not available. Apparently, he got married or something recently and needs to devote time to that. Whatever, Kevin! You want to pass up a chance for fame, that's your problem!

Similarly, Freddie Prinze SENIOR's agent called. He's not available at the moment either. Huh. I guess some people get to rest on their laurels!


So we're left with the following candidates. I've included some photos to help, because soon we have to wrap this poll up and get to casting the other parts!

Thomas Faustin? Aaron Diaz? Victor Rasuk? Seth Green?
Freddie Prinze JUNIOR? Talvin Demachio? Mario Lopez?

Give me a couple other suggestions and we'll turn it into a poll.