Speed Saunders: Think of the Time I Save!

 

Intro: 

[SAUNDERS]

I'm an Ace Investigator,

And an Ace Investigator can't waste time

For an Ace investigator to waste time

Is a crime!

So I'm ruled by the tick tick tock

And I live my life by the clock

I live my life by the tick tick tock of the clock.

Verse 1:

[SAUNDERS]

When I go to sleep,

I don't undress.

Oh yes, I sleep in all my clothes.

(You must confess!)

I have just one suit that's my fave.

Well, I will admit that the suit looks bad--

double-breasted, puce, Glenurqhart plaid--

But think of the time I save!

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]
Think of the time he saves!

Verse 2:

[SAUNDERS]

When the Speed-phone rings, 

there's someone dead;

and no one left that I can save.

Because they're dead.

Though there is danger, I am brave.

Well, the victim drips, 

and the dead get wet,

And oh, what a lousy clue I get,

But think of the time I save!

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]
Think of the time he saves!

Bridge:

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]
Tick tock, tick tock, just six pages;

Tick tock, tick tock, time goes by!

[SAUNDERS]
How I love to wake the Dean, researching alumni!

Verse 2:

[SAUNDERS]

At traveling time, 

I silhouette

And hide inside a garbage can

Then pump your guts

Or maybe send you to your grave;

then use the Saundersmobile, too,

to run into someone with a clue

But think of the time I save!

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]
Think of the time he saves!

Bridge:

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]

Tick tock, tick tock, so few panels

Tick tock, tick tock, time goes by!

[SAUNDERS]

I’ll be sitting counting seconds 'til the end is nigh

Verse 3:

[SAUNDERS]

And when it comes, 

I have a plan

Before it's done, I'll solve the case

That's what I said

Before it's done, I'll solve the case

'Cause when two panels still remain

I don't care if I sound insane,

But think of the time I'll save!

[USEFUL FEMALE INFORMANTS]
Think of the time he'll save!

Speed Saunders: The Grogan Case (Grogan's Run)

When last we left Speed Saunders in his conflict with the counterfeit ring, he'd

locked the print guy in the closet, 

Where I am sure he won't get hurt.
Assuming Speed remembers to get him out.

shot the gunsel who was sick of living in Grogan's shadow, 

"No, it wasn't me, it was GEORGE GLASS...!"

and started Dave Grogan on a merry chase we'll call Grogan's Run.

Keep staring at this panel.
Now.
Tell me, 
how long did it take you to realize that Grogan is vaulting over the fence BACKWARDS, in defiance of all physics?  Wouldn't think such a bulky guy would be an urban parkour expert.

Grogan's Run is a cleverer ploy than it might seem at first, since Speed always shadow-travels, tesseracts, skis, or uses the Speedmobile.  I'm not sure we have evidence Speed even knows how to WALK let alone run.  I'm sure he CAN, but he probably has to sing "Put One Foot In Front Of The Other" just to keep a steady pace;  The Shield he ain't.

"Gus"? Who the grawlixes is GUS?!?!

Wondering where the heck Grogan's Run leads to, since the hideout is blown?  It leads ourobourotically back to the beginning of the story:

Well, since it's a "stationary" store, no wonder he stayed put.

Not to be all judgey (since that Speed's job), but it seems like an odd time to pop in to buy cigarettes again.  Or maybe Grogan has guessed that Papa Bodega sicced Speed on him?  Hm.

OH. "Gus" is PAPA BODEGA.
That makes sense, then.

Phew! Luckily Speed managed to One-Step fast enough to stop Grogan from killing Gus!

...
Wait.
... Whut?

I... don't; I can't...

Gus is... THE HEAD OF THE COUNTERFEIT GANG?!

EVERYONE SHOOTS EVERYONE ELSE

Speedslain THIS, Saunders!

No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

WHY DOES NO ONE HAVE DOOR LOCKS?!

I... have read a lot of Speed Saunders stories.

I have seen goldfish marked with morse code, a little boy killed three different ways, people assassinated by surrealist art installations, random Persian jewels dropped at Speed's dinner table, stomach pumping, skiing scarecrows, crescent dresses, French maids who overshare, ambiguously monogrammed hand-kerchiefs, cross-dressing emerald thieves, (extra-)poisonous cigarettes, thudding sickening thumps, 45 caliber Chinese curtains, and things I've never ever shared with you, like killer bees, voodoo murders, exploding bowling balls, hypnotized snakes, and woolly mammoths.

But, no matter how bizarre, I don't think any of those stories can outdo the pure, raw illogicality of this mundane counterfeiting story.

LET'S RECAP:

These are the opening panels of The Grogan Case. It was only five pages ago, mind you.

If Gus is the head of the counterfeiting ring then...

why is Grogan trying to give him a counterfeit bill?

Why are they pretending they don't know each other?

Why is Gus surprised at this bill?

FOR WHOM ARE THEY PUTTING ON THIS TRANSQUARTOMURALISTIC CHARADE, OTHER THAN US, THE READERS, OF WHOM THEY CANNOT BE AWARE?!?!?!

No, Speed Saunders. No, Fred Guardineer. I love you both, but...you have crossed a line this time.

Oh, and it's spelled "STATIONERY"!