Friday, July 29, 2005

Character Donations #51-55

Send the villain group Helix to Marvel, and I'll pay the postage!

They wanted to be like the JSA, so they robbed and kidnapped people (what th--?!). Created by a rogue gynecologist, Dr. Love (hardy har har!), Helix accomplished two things: kidnapping Fury and proving once and for all that Roy Thomas should not be allowed to create characters.

Tao Jones: She floats, much like other debris

Penny Dreadful: A human capacitor. At least her name conformed to truth in advertising laws.

Baby Boom: Mary Dahl + Roy Lincoln = Baby Boom

Kritter: I can just hear Roy Thomas ... "It's a fluffy dog with mad hacker skills; the kids will LOVE IT!"

Arak: He blows. Guys like you are a dime a dozen, Arak.

Mr. Bones: If you put Spawn, Etrigran, Dr. Phosphorus, and Captain Hook into a blender, you get a Mr. Bones Smoothie. Wow, Todd McFarlane helped created Mr. Bones? NO WAY!!!

The court found that Mr. Bones was a bad influence on the others, so he was sentenced to Transformative Experience School, where writers reduxed him into a usable form as the head (or is that "skull"?) of DEO. Now he's no longer annoying, merely outre and colorful, so he can stay in DC.

But, as for the rest of Helix ... Pun-based codenames? A mutated mod squad of misfits? Villains who think of themselves as heroes? Come now! I think Roy Thomas forgot which company he was working for when he created Helix, who were obviously designed to fight X-Factor.


Hate Filled Poster said...

I was about to yell at you for not appreciating the DEO director Mr. Bones, but you fixed things at the end of the post. :)

Scipio said...


Jhunt said...

Can you believe these jokers were actually supposed to get their own series? It was announced in Infinity Inc and everything. Then I guess everyone at DC slept it off, and the idea was mercifully killed.''

I put forward that Helix's Teen Titans counterpart, "The Hybrid" should be shipped off to Marvel on the same boat. At least Helix produced Director Bones. The Hybrid had absolutely nothing going for them.

Hate Filled Poster said...

Hey, I recognize Prometheus from the Blue Beetle series where he first appeared.

Scipio said...

Yes, we might spare Prometheus from banishment for two reason.

He saved Blue Beetle's life at the risk of his own.

He'd be the perfect character to kill the idiotic "Prometheus" that Morrison created.

Jhunt said...

But Prometheus wore a black "one-sie". I'm sorry, but he cannot be spared.

"I'm the American Colossus... in a women's bathing suit!"

Julio Oliveira said...

Prometheus, like the rest of the Hybrids were all featured on hall of fallen players (or something like that) of the Roulette Casino (I know this isn't the name, but what can I do, I'm really not in the mood to go search for the comics) on JSA... I think is a hobby of Johnanuckawick to kill secondary characters (but they reserve a special mad-on for the Giffen/Matteis league. I convinced that they think of it of a blasphemy that can be allowed to exist in any form).

Jeff R. said...

Is 100 characters really going to be enough? I mean, y'all have yet to even start on the process of donating ever Firestorm villian who didn't ever join the Suicide Squad. [Black Bison, Typhoon, Bug & Byte, Tokamak, Shadowstorm, Silver Deer, Brimstone, Moonbow, King Crusher, Le Flambeau, Silver Shade, and the Zuggernaut, just from scanning covers...]

Scipio said...

Actually, Jeff, our goal is 365.

But that won't be enough either.

The Titans and the enemies alone could produce 100.

Anonymous said...

Tokamok died in his first story. Black Bison died off-panel in Day of Vengeance.