Saturday, July 30, 2005

Just Imagine ... Jack Kirby's Justice League

Stupid Hero Quote


" *UHNNN* I couldn't work up enough penetration-power!"


Oh, dear, I hate it when that happens.

But it's particularly embarrassing when you're a famous superhero. Obviously, this quote is NOT from Uncle Sam, who never has any problem bursting through.

What superhero DID say this, and why?

The Green Arab

I can barely stand it! So much high-powered STUFF happening in the DCU!

What Superman Did! The Fight! What WW Did! What Brother Eye Said! The Arrival of the Calvary in Flash! What's About to Happen to Firestorm! The Secret Society EVERYWHERE!

Could it get any worse, readers?

Puh-lease! The Golden Age Starman faced worse stuff EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY. I mean, it's not like we're up against: THE GREEN ARAB.

Yes, the Green Arab was an Arab avenger decades before it became fashionable. Like all Starman villians he had the uncanny power to menace through the fourth wall, but unlike them he was green. How very disturbing!

The man, the legend, the Green Arab has more menace in ONE word balloon than in a half-dozen DC crossovers.

Just take a gander at the ...

Relentless Dervishes of Death!

Sacred Stones and their Concomitant Temples!

Secret Headquarters with Secret Tunnels-- under YOUR house!

Cryptosexual Imperatives!

DC: now is DEFINITELY the time to bring back the Green Arab. Now, THERE's a comic for our troops over seas...

A Justice League Tradition



Superman beating the snot out of the rest of the Justice League.

Casually.

Another fine Tradition of the DCU.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Hal, Unjustly Treated!



Poor Hal Jordan.

He was the greatest .... UNTIL mean old Mark Waid retconned him as a sexist pompous, overconfident jackass.

Right?

Wrong.

The Absorbascon knows better.

Hal is Snitty


"I'll be in my trailer!" he huffed, storming off the set.

Hal is a snitty, bossy prima dona.

Even to the Atom.

And he's the nice one, too.

Hal is a Pig


I dare you to say that out loud, you sexist pig.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Your ring'd be out of power by the time you could manage to fish it out of where Wonder Woman would shove it.

Pig.

Hal is a Jackass


Hal is a Pompous, Self-Important Jackass.

Let me repeat that.

Hal is a Pompous, Self-Important Jackass.

Hal is a Windbag


Hal talks too much.

Much, much, too much.

Just loves the sound of his own voice, doesn't he?

Shut up, Hal.

Shut up,
shut up, SHUT UP!

Hal is Sketchy


Nobody in the Justice League trusts Hal.

Not even the Atom.

And he's the nice one.

GL is a Goober


Cool fighter pilot my arse.

Hal is unhip.

Hal makes Clark Kent look like James Bond.

Hal is the Dan Rather of superheroes.


Hal is a Whiny Slacker


Hal's whiny excuse-making and blame-dodging is so common, the other Justice Leaguers don't even get mad about it any more.

They just laugh and laugh behind his back.

Even Atom, the nice one.

Hal Uses His Head


This is Green Lantern being knocked out by a ceiling tile.

Let me repeat that.

This is Green Lantern being knocked out by a ceiling tile.


Even though Barry warned him about it.

Friggin' moron.

Hal is a Dork


Hal is such a dork ...

that even Hal realizes he's a dork.

Dork.

Character Donations #51-55


Send the villain group Helix to Marvel, and I'll pay the postage!

They wanted to be like the JSA, so they robbed and kidnapped people (what th--?!). Created by a rogue gynecologist, Dr. Love (hardy har har!), Helix accomplished two things: kidnapping Fury and proving once and for all that Roy Thomas should not be allowed to create characters.

Tao Jones: She floats, much like other debris

Penny Dreadful: A human capacitor. At least her name conformed to truth in advertising laws.

Baby Boom: Mary Dahl + Roy Lincoln = Baby Boom

Kritter: I can just hear Roy Thomas ... "It's a fluffy dog with mad hacker skills; the kids will LOVE IT!"

Arak: He blows. Guys like you are a dime a dozen, Arak.

Mr. Bones: If you put Spawn, Etrigran, Dr. Phosphorus, and Captain Hook into a blender, you get a Mr. Bones Smoothie. Wow, Todd McFarlane helped created Mr. Bones? NO WAY!!!

The court found that Mr. Bones was a bad influence on the others, so he was sentenced to Transformative Experience School, where writers reduxed him into a usable form as the head (or is that "skull"?) of DEO. Now he's no longer annoying, merely outre and colorful, so he can stay in DC.

But, as for the rest of Helix ... Pun-based codenames? A mutated mod squad of misfits? Villains who think of themselves as heroes? Come now! I think Roy Thomas forgot which company he was working for when he created Helix, who were obviously designed to fight X-Factor.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I Love Uncle Sam!

I was just a wee lad when my family moved here from the Old Country. Back in Bialya, I knew how to feel about my country: bad. But once we were in the U.S. of A., I was in confusion. Should I hate this country, too?

Thank the Founding Fathers, comic books had the answer. Yes, with covers like these, Uncle Sam taught me to love this country with a red hot burning fever.

"He does it again!" Half naked, he hammers out his sword of victory into fiery white-hot straightness! His little Buddy in the background leans over intently, eager to provide whatever Sam needs to bring that victory home. How could such a scene not enflame the soul of any red-blooded you
th?

At right, a stripped down Unc is poised to shove his projectile of freedom in that waiting aperture in the arsenal of democracy, as fresh-faced Buddy struggles to handle his own projectile, which is almost more than he knows what to do with *chuckle*!


Bursting through in another stirring adventure, Sam inspired feeling in a
young Bialyan refugee like none I'd ever known and I began to love my country with swelling patriotism. If only I could be a Buddy to Uncle Sam!

Here, Uncle Sam can barely keep his hat on and Buddy needs to hang on to keep from being blown off while Sam, with a major piece of ordinance between his legs, joyously rides his way into young patriots' hearts, again bursting through. I tell you, as I grew from a Bialyan boy to an American adolescent, it was inspiring images like this that kept me on the straight and narrow.

If only all comics had been this wholesome. Why, Frederic Wertham would have died in deserved obscurity! There would have been no shameless '60s or selfish '70s if our nation
had been filled with men modeling their lives on this sinewy super-patriot and his eager young partner.

We still see Uncle Same, occasionally. Partnered with his friends, the heavily mascara-ed Black Condor, Roy Lincoln the Human Condom, the saucy Phantom Lady, the light on his feet Ray, and that young parcel of personal explosive power, Damage.

But somehow ... it's just not the same.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Custom Clix Poll Results

I, the Composite Superman Clix, have been asked by the Absorbascon to take time off from my busy schedule of conquering the world, humilitating superheroes, and scraping chewing gum off the floor at the Superman Museum to announce the result of the Custom Clix Poll.

Fools! You had your chance to wage a write-in campaign of behalf of me, the Composite Superman Clix! But instead you voted for the choices given, rejecting ME. For that, I will force you to wear a French maid's costume and sing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles", while you watch me melt the other candidates with my heat vision. Then I will kill your favorite hero in an embarrassing way, like blocking their nasal passages with my Elastic Lad powers or Star Boy-ing their brain into superheaviness, thus snapping their necks. Then I will burn "THE JOE MEACH L.E. FIGURE IS MY GOD" onto your forehead using Ultra Boy's flash-vision.

Until then...

Golden Age Starman, 11 votes (THE DRAMA!)
Per Degaton, 9 votes (I remember that...)
Phantom Lady, 8 votes (Hubba-hubba!)
Alfred Pennyworth, 7 votes (Indeed, sir)
The Crime Doctor (This may sting a bit...) & Cat-Man (Roll over, Floyd...), 4 votes
Golden Eagle (a.k.a. SuperChicken), 3 votes
Killer Moth (That's not funny!), 2 votes
Human Flying Fish (Aquaman sucks!), 1 vote


What a Waist!


I've made hundreds of posts here. Spent countless hours trying to entice readers here so that my occasional Deep Thoughts About Comics would have an audience. Stayed awake nights developing the Dynastic Centerpiece Model, pondering the differences between Marvel and DC, honing my understanding of what makes comics fun, moving, significant.

*Sigh* Still, BY FAR the search that brings most people to this site is "superpowerless except from the waist down". Aaah, shut up, Hal, you smug so-and-so.

Speaking of Hal, I'm passing on to you a request from J-Sinn Star, the composer/performer of the SuperHero Radio classic hit "Green Lantern". He wants to hear what you think of his song! Comment here or let him know by e-mail.

If you've never heard it, click on the link to SuperHero Radio and listen until it plays in rotation. Oh, if you accidently click on the "donate $1 to help keep SuperHero Radio running", that would be okay, too...

Bye Bye Birdie!

So, um, I'm guessing from this pic from the upcoming Infinite Crisis that Black Condor II won't be part of the new DCU (looks like he's being sent to KFC).

Oh, dear. Now who will protect us from rabid raccoons, then suffer a crisis of conscience about it?

Although he's a hottie, Black Condor II (does he even have a name?) has always been a unrelenting sourpuss. Dude, you can fly; enjoy it!

But no, during the Dark Age, DC needed to give us a grim & gritty version of one of the Golden Age's most fabulous characters (and I do mean fabulous!)

DC, don't let this opportunity go to waste! As long as Black Condor II is kaput, give a new FUN Black Condor. Basically, a male counterpart of glorious, sexy Phantom Lady.

Hey, I want my comics to be serious, trust me. What's going on now in DC right now delights me enormously. But if we need deadly seriousness in our core characters, let's leaven it with some bright and shiny in our lesser characters, shall we?

Because we can also rape them and burn their corpses later, you know!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Made for Flying


*Sigh*. If you don't keep the Gay Bloggers Union happy, things can turn nasty. Last time I defied them, they broke into my house with a hairpin, painted my dog's toenails and rearranged my furniture. I felt so ... violated.

Anyway, they say I've been wasting too much bandwidth on unimportant things like the three shocking events in tomorrow's comics. I've been instructed to focus on more important things. Things like...

Power Girl's boots. Girlfriend is styling!

High-heeled pirate boots that accentuate her gorgeous gams but STILL have classic "crimefighting treads". I almost fainted when I saw them. It's like Batman and Zatanna left their footwear together in some closet on the satellite, and these boots sprang from their union.

They state emphatically, "In us are all divisions reconciled. We are the ultimate synthesis of the Crimefighting Footwear Dialectic. We are the Power Boots."

Just as Power Girl fully expresses both her "feminine" and "masculine" attributes in a unified way that highlights them both, so too do the Power Boots. Not since Alan Scott's gladiator-strap golden jellies have we seen so bold, so transcendently meaningful a statement on the masculine/feminine dichotomy in superheroic footwear.

In the final analysis, who really cares where Power Girl comes from?

Where do her BOOTS come from?!?!?!?


Character Donation #49

What was I thinking??!?!!

If the KGBeast takes NKVDemon with him when donated to Marvel, then Firestorm takes Firehawk!

Firehawk. She doesn't enjoy being superhero. She's not very good at it. Her powers come and go. Recently, she even quit (again): "Firehawk ... No More!" Marvel invented that kind of "heroic ambivalence", folks.

Her principle function has been as superbabe girlfriend for Ronnie Raymond, and he's not really dating at the moment.

Face it; she's all about "the look" and you know it. Bye, Firehawk! Give my regards to Phoenix and Storm!

Wednesday Warning

If you are not planning on getting your DC comics tomorrow .... change your plan.

If you regularly walk to your comic book store ... run.

If you don't think you're going to buy Wonder Woman, Flash, or Firestorm ... think again.

You have been warned.

Monday, July 25, 2005

I Have Seen The Light


Can you guess whose enemy this is?

This is "The Light", whose DRAMA (and heavy inking) clearly mark him as a foe of the original Starman.

Nowadays in order to be named "The Light", you'd have to have some shiny, luxiferian powers. But in the Golden Age you called yourself The Light simply because you could, simply because you were so goldarned friggin' EVIL that people went blind if they stared at you for too long.

Quickly, quickly, before you go blind, perceive...

Infuriated befoilment!
Dismissal of deception!
Increasingly loud promises of universal destruction!
THE DEATH-RAY DISBURSING DISINTEGRATION TUBE!

Thank the gods The Light is glancing off panel; if he were looking straight AT you through the fourth wall, you'd be blind or senseless, or both, by now. These are the kind of people Starman dealt ... with ... daily. You WILL respect Starman!

Note to future artists: if normal bodily appendages distract from DRAMA, you may omit them and focus only the villain's flatness of head and wickedness of facial hair.

Note to future boyfriends of mine (Hi, Phil!): anything mentioned by a Starman villain is a lovely and appropriate gift. Thought-slaves, disintegration tubes, earthquake machines; anything will do, really.

Character Donation #47


Where the KGBeast goes, can the NKVDemon be far behind?

As recently pointed out at Seven Hells, the KGBeast, with his S&M attire, pun-based name, Cold War ideology, and extreme behavior would blend in better at Marvel than at DC. So, too, his protege, the NKVDemon, who, like Captain America, was a serumized super-soldier.

The original (Gregor Dosynski) was shot and blown up, and succeeded by not ONE but TWO copycats taking his (idiotic) codename.

The best part of what DC tried to make us swallow about this guy was that he was a "master of disguise". What did he disguise himself as ... a truck?

Can't you picture the thought-balloon? "Foolish Americans, never vill they guess beneath this facade of innocent Catholic schoolgirl lurks ... NKVDemon!"

DC, with its roots in the gangster era, is at home with crime, urban despair, and over the top mobsters. Marvel, with its roots in the Cold War, is at home with international political conflict, clashes in political ideology, and splashy assassins.

The NKVDemon needs to be fighting Captain America, not Batman!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Rex! Here, boy!

Were you confused by this week's issue of Day of Vengeance, where Detective Chimp says a "doggie friend" led him to the Fountain of Youth?

Don't be; it's Rex the Wonder Dog.

In Jan/Feb 1952, DC debuted The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog (that's the cover of issue 1 down below, which is now darned expensive). The next time there's a "when did the Silver Age begin?" debate, end it immediately; according to the people who started the Silver Age, this comic is its beginning.

Rex made Lassie look like a special ed puppy. Rex could ride a horse, brandish a torch, fight dinosaurs, wrestle octopi, drive a stagcoach, ride dolphins, wear an indian headdress, and, my personal favorite, "smell evil walking." How could this be? Rex had been injected by a super-soldier-serum by an army doctor (who got shot immediately afterwards), thus gaining increased strength, stamina, intelligence, and probably poo that smelled like rose petals. Yes, friends, in the DC Universe, Captain America is a dog.

Like most comic book dogs (and people), Rex was white.

Starting in his fourth issue, Rex had a back-up feature: Bobo the Detective Chimp. The origin (and degree) of Bobo's intelligence has changed over the years (the whole "talking chimp" part is fairly new), but his trip with Rex to the Fountain of Youth has consistently been the explanation for his not aging.

The Adventures of Rex lasted 46 issues, the last in Nov/Dec 1959. That's one issue more than the Will Payton Starman comic, by the way, but you probably don't remember him either.

But Rex and Bobo go on, lurking about the corners of the DCU, working on and off for the Bureau of Amplified Animals (which Grant Morrison was counting on your not knowing about when he wrote WE3).

So Rex is out there in the DCU; DC, shine a light on him!

He'd be a pal for Krypto. He'd be a credible (in a comic-book sense) Bat-Hound. Even better, he could be the animal companion of the Atom. That's not as stupid as it sounds, and here's why. Rex's first two owners were a soldier and his kid brother. But his third owner was John Rayburn, a scientist who was able to shrink things (before there was a Ray Palmer, I might add), and with whom he had a number of microscopic adventures. Where would you put a hyper-intelligent dog who's used to adventuring in the microscopic world, other than with the Atom?