Thursday, April 19, 2007

Suddenly, at the Hall of Justice!

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice,
, Superman, and Wonder Woman sit around a table,
waiting for the others to arrive for a JLA meeting.

"Clark, Bruce--where is Reddy? Reddy is always on time."

Suddenly, in walks Aquaman, flanked by Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) and an afro-wigged Black Lightning!

"Do you mean the Red Tornado, the robot weapon once used against us and the JSA by T.O. Morrow? I had him disassembled and shipped to South Wales, where he's now sharing a cold-water walk-up with G.I. Robot and Brother Power. Claw the Unconquered was only too happy to pay for the shipping."

"Arthur! You're back! And you've returned to your original appearance, hands at all!"

"Did she just use my first name? Uh-oh; rules violation. Manhunter?"


Suddenly, Wonder Woman screams and falls back in her chair!

"My invisible Martian colleague has a psychic blast ready for anyone else who breaks the rules. Especially the 'code names only' rule."

"But Ar--Aquaman. I thought we were friends!"



Suddenly, Superman screams and grabs his forehead!

"No, Superman, we are not 'superfriends'. Friends would have rescued me from being squidified and replaced by an underwater Kyle Rayner. Friends would not have lorded over the opening of their Hollywood blockbusters while my unaired pilot on the WB network was being spliced up like so much sushi and served on YouTube.

"No, we are not friends. We are colleagues. The JLA is an organization of professionals, not the superpowered cast of

"Where are the others? ... Aquaman."

"Well, speaking of deadbeat dads with illegitimate children, I sent Speedy along home to Green Arrow in Star City, so he can attend nightly NA meetings like he needs to. And for dyeing his mentor's costume red, I had him spanked soundly before he left."

spanked Red Arrow?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Batman; leaders delegate. I had Topo do it, using paddles shaped like miniature oars. As for Vixen the Supertramp, well, if little girls recognize her on the street, her identity's been compromised. I had Green Lantern ring her over to Universe 616, where she'll blend in nicely; she certainly doesn't fit in here."

"Did you spank
her, too?"

"With nothing but these gloves to protect me from infection? No, Green Lantern took care of that part, too."

"I'm sure he did. I'm not surprised you're part of this, Jordan, and J'onn's always been Aquaman's lapdog, but ...
et tu, Jefferson?"



Suddenly, Batman grunts and slumps to the side!

"Black Vulcan is no fool, Batman. He knows the JLA needs a leader. Superman's no leader, no matter how many crossovers try to force him into the role; he's not a quarterback, he's an MVP. Wonder Woman's a solo warrior, and you're a general who can only direct subordinates, not lead equals. Without me around, all the three of you do is snipe at one another snarkily and disagree about what's the right thing to do.

"But I'm back now. You put a League together; I'm here to put the League in order. I was the king of a continent and regularly lead into battle the entirety of life in the sea. Command is my superpower. I lead the League; I always have. Even Alex Ross knows that."

Suddenly, Hawkgirl swoops down to attack Aquaman from behind!



Suddenly, Hawkgirl bursts into flames and collapses on the floor, leaving nothing but a smoldering mace and some charred feathers!

"Oh, don't worry about Hawkgirl. I'm sure she'll have reincarnated by the time Hawkman shows up to take her place. And Black Canary, in case you three are wondering, is currently resting on the satellite after a bit of 're-education' from the Martian Manhunter."


"Not now, Manhunter; relax. As for the Flash and the Atom-- what their current secret identities are I neither know nor care -- they're busy dismantling your little holographic training room and selling its pieces on E-Bay in Universe 616, where people actually buy that sort of thing."

"N-not... "


"...not the... "


"...not 'the Kitchen' !"


Suddenly, Wonder Woman falls to the floor unconscious,
a small trickle of blood seeping from one of her ears!

"Poor Wonder Woman; couldn't stand the heat, I guess...

"Gentlemen, our entire lives are 'training exercises'. We don't have time to play virtual Heroclix with one another while lives are in danger. And I assure you: lives
are in danger, my wayward colleagues... .

"I'm going to the wading pool for a swim; Black Vulcan, please supervise the 'readjustment' of the Trinity's attitudes. Lantern, keep an eye out for the UPS guy; he should be coming today with the supply of salon-quality haircare product for Vulcan and me. Oh, and Manhunter ... when you're done, Topo and I would like you to join us later in our quarters. It's good to be back!"

"So, he makes J'onn take the form of his dead son, Koryak, now?"
"Shut up, Clark, they'll hear you!"
"Great Gotham, aren't you two capable of remembering that they're telepathic for longer than five minutes?!"


BIG MIKE said...

I am speechless.

ticknart said...


Except for the second to last sentence Aquaman said. Eeeeew.

Anonymous said...



That's so obscure it gives me goosebumps.

I almost feel guilty for not having to look it up.

CalvinPitt said...

I have to ask, isn't Aquaman courting disaster with the whole "Kendra burst into flames" deal? It seems like Hawkman might object to that... by ripping off both Arthur's hands.

Can we get a ruling on this?

Anonymous said...

But... wouldn't Hawkgirl's rock-hard nipples also survive Aquaman's attack? They've stood up to everything else they've ever encountered...

Jacob T. Levy said...


what with Schumacher, Katie Holmes, and Chaykin, there's an awful lot of implicit nipple humor going on here.

"No, Superman, we are not 'superfriends'. Friends would have rescued me from being squidified and replaced by an underwater Kyle Rayner.

Damn straight. Friends also would have paid some attention to what turned out to be J'onn's brain damage...

Siskoid said...

It's like the time Aquaman dissolved the League cuz the big boys had more urgent things to do than save the world. He's the only one with the guts to call the others' bullshit.

Rock on.

Anonymous said...

Scipio, if you were a writer for Saturday Night Live, the last twelve seasons or so wouldn't have royally sucked.

SallyP said...

Oh Scipio, I just frightened my dog, by bursting into hysterical laughter. The vision of Topo using tiny paddles to spank Roy...just delights me!

And Aquaman definitely deserves those hair products. Oh, and thank you for the image of Green Lantern spanking Vixen. Too too delicious.

Anonymous said...

Don't be silly, Aquaman. Wildcat is teaching the League how to play capture the flag. I'm sure that will help them better to serve us all. What's gonna be in next month's issue? Hungry Hungry Hippos with Plastic Man? What a crappy comic book.