Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Original Batman

"Woo hoo, the Original Superman's back!"

Big friggin' deal. What's he gonna do ... PUNCH the universe back into place? Only if they let Wolfman write the story! Superman's just a weekend warrior, a chairman of the board who doesn't know enough to sit back and enjoy his golden years while the real execs who actually know how the world works run the show.

What we really need, you silly people, is the Original Batman.

"Brother Eye" would last all of ten minutes if that guy were around again. Why, he would just fly up to it on his jetpack (with Robin in tow, to play nurse and mop his forehead and say, "gosh!"), rip out some wires and be back in time to dedicate a statue of himself, clobber Calendarman, enjoy one of Alfred's sumptious but low-fat meals, then go out to put the kibosh on a racketing mob while restoring a youngster's faith in Christmas. Next issue, Alfred would be in the background dusting a dead OMAC propped up as a trophy, while Batman perfects a new DNA test to determine whether someone is an illegitimate child of one of the Green Arrow family and Robin practices his nuclear submarine piloting skills.

Those people would be helpful right about now, not the Original Superman.


Des said...

Don't forget selling war bonds. Original Batman sure loves to sell them war bonds!

Scipio said...


He does that during lunch.

Ragnell said...

He takes Lunch? HA!

Now, what we need is the original Wonder Woman around. She'll just tie all of the heroes together until they get along again.

And while they're working out their problems, she can head over to the villains and tie them up and take them to Reformation Island to brainwash them into worshipping Aphrodite. Or she can use her powers of feminine persuasion to reform them on the spot! It worked on Paula von Gunther!

And Paula was a Nazi! Anyone who can brainwash a Nazi into being good definately has a top-notch program going.

Jon said...

How in the Hell did those Bat-jets not suck their capes right into the intakes?

Diamondrock said...

Well jon, the answer seems obvious. It's because he's Batman.

Anonymous said...

If Batman of Earth-2 was around for the first Crisis.

Robin: Holy Anti-Matter Batman! A negative being is detroying the multiverse!

Batman: Not to worry chum. I already placed the information in the Bat-Computer and it's synthesizing an Anti-Anti-Matter Bat Aerosol Neutralizer Spray that should save every Earth.

Robin: Even Earth-616?

Batman: Robin, a hero never wishes misfortune on others, no matter how defficient they are.

Robin: Gosh Batman, you're right.

Batman: The spray is finished. To the Batmobile!

Yes, in my mind Adam West was the Batman of Earth-2. That means amongst his other talents is the Batusi.

Scipio said...

Heh. Nice one, David.

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