Not even Batman can resist ... VIBE!

The Peyman Theory

Is Nightwing the new Batman ... of Earth-2?

This is what the folks at Big Monkey are calling the "Peyman Theory" after the customer who devised it. It may be all over the internet elsewhere, but I haven't heard it until today.

Assume, for the moment, that Earth-2 will remain, perhaps as the basis for a new Earth-2 based imprint.

Plots have been arranged to loosen Dick's ties to Earth-1. He has been separated from his two groups, the Outsiders and the Titans, and Bludhaven, "his" city, is gone.

Narrative pains have been taken to show that Dick would fit in on Earth-2. Infinite Crisis has highlighted the facts that Earth-2 has no Batman, that Nightwing is trusted by everyone, and that Nightwing is as good a man as anyone on Earth-2.

There are also metatextual clues. For example, interviews have emphasized that Nightwing has a very important but unspecified role in the Crisis and its aftermath.

The truth could be something simpler, like Bruce taking some time off and Dick taking his place, with no Earth-2 about it.

But the Peyman Theory still intrigues me.

Hot Steamy Rice

Yes, Todd. Yes, I will happily make it up to you later. Yes, I will walk you to the elevators. Yes, Todd. Whatever you say, Todd. Yes, yes, yes.

Well, as mentioned here, Todd Rice (better known as the world-destroying wacko Obsidian) is finally coming out and has a new boyfriend. No, really. It's in Manhunter, which everyone knows is really good, but no one reads.

Devon's been trying to get me to add Manhunter to my subscription for months. Devon's very persuasive and there's no one whose comic book opinions I respect more. But you know, Devon doesn't have grey eyes and a strong Roman nose and manly but unthreatening sideburns and JBF hair y los labios del deseo. Todd does.

What's that, Todd? You want me to subscribe to Manhunter? Yes, Todd. Yes, I will subscribe to Manhunter.

In an interview, author Marc Andrecheyko made the point strongly that in having Todd Rice come out he is not trying to make any point strongly. There are people who are gay. Todd is one of them. End of subject.

He has not been made gay so he could get bashed, or get HIV, or adopt a baby, or have conflict with a colleague, or become some teenage heroine's unrequited crush. Score one for DC! Personal matters like the fact that Alan Scott is left-handed, or that Hawkman has brown eyes, or that Obsidian is gay makes them different from most heroes but it doesn't have to become a huge plot point, for pity's sake.

Todd has always been portrayed a whiny, self-pitying, underconfident nebbish. And that, frankly was on his good days. As JSA readers know, on Todd's bad days he hung with Mordru and Eclipso and nearly destroyed the world.

Oh, but look at that face. That's not the same guy at all! NOW I understand....

Todd's problems were because his dad's from Earth-2 (his mom, too, I think). Once Alexander Luthor fixes everything, we get this new, improved Earth-New Todd Rice. Who's not evil. Who's well adjusted. Who's utterly dreamy and superpowerful in the dark. Thank you, Alexander Luthor; god bless you.

Remember, from now on, if there's anything you don't like about a character, just blame on the mix-up on multiple earths. Mad about Jesse Quick's behavior or Courtney's midriff? Those aren't the REAL ones, the ones from Earth-New. Incensed that Vibe or Ice is dead? It's okay, those were just the Earth-1 versions, and ones from Earth-2 or Earth-New will be along any day now. Still think Batman's an ass, even though he now realizes he's an ass who needs Dick badly? Don't worry, the Earth-New Batman will be scary and nice all at the same time.

Infinite Crisis, you see, is our personal lord and savior. It's all about making Todd gay. And bringing back Vibe. And creating a Batman who is all things to all people. And making everything just the way that I personally want comics to be. Oh, and you, too!

What's that, Todd? May you envelope me in your shadow form and explore my inner horrors? Yes, Todd. Yes, yes, yes.

Ollie and Paco

Whoa.
Whoa.
Excuse me, I ... need to go write some fan fic now.

Are you confused?

Quick! Which one is the planet and which one is the monkey?*

If you got that right then you must be smarter than comic book buyers in the Washington DC metropolitan area -- or, at least, smarter than SOME PEOPLE think those comic book buyers are.

My comic book store and Devon's got a letter from the attorney from some place called "Big Planet Comics", which says,

"It has come to our attention that you are using the unregistered trade name of 'Big Monkey Comics' as a name for your business. We believe that your use of the name has caused, and will cause, confusion among comic book consumers and will dilute the registered servicemark and good will held by Mr. Pollack [editor's note: he owns Big Planet, ya see..] and the various Big Planet Comic stores. This is especially true given the design of your logo, which seeks to emulate the overall feel and impression of the 'Big Planet Comics' registered mark. Please cease and desist all use of the name and contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this issue and what steps must be taken to resolve it permanently."

To which I can only say what any comic book reader would: Gosh!

Actually, our tradename is registered, but I think that's beside the point. Personally, I think most comic book consumers know the difference between a monkey and planet. You almost have to in order to read comics. Clark Kent, for example, does not work at the Daily Monkey, nor does he come from the doomed exploding monkey of Krypton. Similarly, Mogo and Ego are not monkeys, but Beppo and Koko are.

For my part, I just want to assure the public that there is nothing that could interest me LESS than emulating the overall feel and impression of "Big Planet Comics". Please do not confuse it with Big Monkey Comics.

As for diluting good will.... Well. I think Mr. Pollack seems to have that covered already.


* Planet on left; monkey on right.

My Own Ward ... an ADDICT?!

Gee, Ollie. How on earth did THAT happen?





You always were a hippy freak, Ollie; we just didn't always know it.

I want to be a Silver Age Orphan *sob*...

Can Wonder Woman Dance?

Can Wonder Woman dance?


As long as it's a march, yes.

Tony Basil's Hey Mickey.

Deborah Cox's Absolutely Not.

The Superfriends Theme.

Dolly Parton's 9 to 5.

Stevie V's Dirty Cash.

YMCA (or anything by the Village People, really).

Her own darned theme song, all five versions.

This is the music of Wonder Woman.

At least twice at week, she spends an hour marching. Alone, behind the locked door of her Marching Room. Good for the legs, she thinks. And the shoulders. Keeps you disciplined, too, and your head clear. Everyone should march. Everyone should do the things I do. The world would be much better if they did.

You know it's bad when they send Green Arrow to tell you you're embarassing the League.
"Diana, c'mon; I've got the Arrowcar right over there. Let's go now, okay?"

"Happens" upon parades, she does. As many as possible.

Hi, I was just flying by after returning from a JLA meeting and noticed your Founder's Day parade.

What? You want me to march in it? Why, yes! Yes, I'd be honored! No, no thank you; I brought my own cape. Oh, and don't worry; let me break the news to Supergirl; it'll be ... easier coming from me. Strike up the band!

Back on Paradise Island, the whole marching thing used to drive her mother nuts.

The Suffering Sappho Celebration. The Diana's Day Festivities. Bea Arthur's Birthday. No matter what the holiday or occasion, Diana wheedled her way into the parade so she could march, march, march.

The Themiscyran tabloids would make fun of Diana, calling her "Princess Parade About", "Her Royal Clydesdale", and "Little Miss Marchy Boots". The Royal Family was being humiliated.

Finally, Hippolyta got fed up. Made up the whole "Wonder Woman" nonsense, complete with majorette costume, just to get rid of her. Couple of decades of marching in Man's World'll settle her hash. It worked on Antonia (or "Susan B. Anthony", as we called her).

Once she got here, she used to make up phony causes and protests just so she'd have an excuse to march.

She stopped that once she met her friend Brenda the Majorette (who'd marched so often in front of bands she'd suffered some hearing loss, which Diana eventually repaired for her with the Purple Healing Ray).

Majorette Brenda helped Diana understand the holiday cycle of our society and explained that she could march in any gay pride parade she wanted and people would applaud. Put her picture in the paper. Toss confetti and beads to her.

Since then, Wonder Woman's been a happy gal, indeed.

She's made a lot of other gals happy that way, too!

Selfless Haiku

"So it's clear the best
Course of action is simply
To let you kill me."


Ah, Nabu (you know --- the guy in the Dr. Fate helmet). He's had his less than shining moments, but when he tricked the Spectre into killing him, sacrificing himself to save others, he had the class to go out with a haiku.

I didn't notice it when I read the Day of Vengeance special, but sharp eyed Absorbacommenter Joe Hennes did. Thanks, Joe!

So what haiku can you compose to celebrate the selflessness of Dr. Fate, the re-incarnation of the Spectre, or the astuteness of Joe Hennes himself?

JLA 242 SPOILER ALERT

Okay, now this post is chockful of spoilers for JLA 242, so those of you who haven't had the chance to get to the comic book store since September 1985, you have been warned.

In this issue, Gypsy is eaten by a bear.Ha, ha! I got ya! Gypsy, who walks without shoes or socks through the ghettoes of Detroit, scares the creature away by showing it her feet. Barefoot, 1: Bear claw, zero.

Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, a sexually frustrated Zatanna's booty still burns brightly for Dale Gunn.

"How dare you cast me aside for that bead-braided trollop, Dale Gunn!" she smoulders. "See me burn with passion in the Naughty Schoolmarm outfit I wore in the underground film Headmistress of Hotath."

Hotath's Rings:ribbed for your pleasure. Should have pulled those out sooner, Zee. Dale Gunn might not have left you.

Just kidding! Actually, I don't know what Hotath's Rings are. Just part of the whole "Marvelization" of Zatanna, where she spouts silly Dr. Strange-isms, throws herself at colleagues, and blathers on about her Homo Magi genes as the source of her abilities. Oh, Zee, somebody named Wanda's on the phone, asking you to return her schtick.

Okay, now I'm spoiling the ending of JLA 242! HERE IT IS:

Yes, it's three panels of Vixen, sitting in the dark (you can tell that's Vixen, right?). There are actually four panels like this, but I figured you'd get the idea. Oh, and for you sharp eyed artist types ... you're right! I did, in fact, accidently rotate those panels the wrong way, so they are upside down. Sorry.

Well, as dramatic as that finale is, I was more impressed by other developments in the storyline. Ya see, in this issue, Vixen and Vibe perfect their soon to be patented battlecries.

"Brother Roadrunner, lend me your sound effects!" Vixen prays. Kheeww? No one knows quite what Vibe is trying to say, but that's generally the case, battlecry or not.

In other heartstopping action, Aquaman finds a comb and the Martian Manhunter (never the most stable person) starts to think he's an Injun Brave in one of those old Tom Mix movies he used to watch alone in his Colorado apartment every night in the 1950s.

J'onn! J'onn, come back us to now. We'll ... we'll give you another series. Yeah. No, no, the guys at editorial are serious this time. There ya go, big fella!

But I think the most memorable part, the scene that I'll treasure for the remainder of my days is this one, a little feature called Steel versus Amazo.

Why the HELL is this series not in trade paperback yet? Entire generations are being deprived!

Vanilla Wafers lose out to Brown Sugar Cookies

Meanwhile, back at "The Real World: Detroit"...

Duhn-duhn-DAAAAAAAAH-oo-WAAAH!

He Had It Coming

Meanwhile, in the woods of Central Pennsylvania...

"Say, where's Jordan? If he doesn't get here soon, all the deer will have--"

"Sorry I'm late, Air Force friends. I had just roused myself from the bed of exhausted yet radiant Carol Ferris, when there was an uprising on Kalanor and my colleague in the adjacent space sector needed help from me, Hal Jordan."

"So, uh, you're gonna wear that while we're hunting?"

"Thompson, if I could track down Sinestro in this uniform, then I don't suppose a few deer are going to give me a problem."

"Yeah, well, does Sinestro have horns?"

"No, though they wouldn't look out of place on the sinister countenance of my Satan-faced foe."

" ... Right. Okay. Well, hang back so the deer don't see you. Like, about a mile. And stop standing around with your legs spread; it's ... it's weird."

"Sorry, Thompson; no can do. I'll be fearlessly in the forefront of battle, as always, standing in this heroic stance. Or flying, which I also do with my legs spread."

"Yeah, I've heard that about you, Jordan, but I didn't believe it."

"You'd better believe it, mister. Hold on, my ring is talking to me... "

FRZZAP!!!

"What the hell are you doing, Jordan!?"

"Buck, six-pointer, 500 meters. It won't trouble anyone now."

"You incinerated it, you jackass!"

"Look, Thompson, if you can't stand the heat of battle then step back and let a professional handle this, because I don't have time to hand hold you now!"

Special thanks for photo go to Sleestak at Lady, That's My Skull!

Thompson, you'll be happy to know, was acquitted at the Court Martial.

The Real World: Detroit, starring Dale Gunn

"Dale Gunn." Say it soft and it's almost like praying. There are so many delicious things to pick on in the Justice League Detroit, but "Dale Gunn" has a flavor all his own! Okay, you'll remember that, back in 1984, having been abandoned by all the recognizable heroes of the JLA, the foursome of Aquaman, Zatanna ("!daeh ym no raeppa tah edepitnec deR"), Ralph Dibny the Esophagated Man, and J'onn J'onnz the Martian Enabler have just picked up straycat cum supermodel Vixen, then agreed to shack up together in an abandoned Detroit factory hiding a SHIELD-style hi-tech underground facility offered them by an aging nutjob Captain America ripoff named "Commander Steel" as payoff for letting his braindead cyborg grandson Hank into the League.

Part of the package was the man, the legend, Dale Gunn, Hank's surrogate father. Dale Gunn is basically Uncle Phil from "Fresh Prince" only ten years older, under a much stricter diet, and wearing a high-tech neo-egyptian aerobics outfit from the Alexander Luthor Man of The Future Collection. One glance and you know immediately that Dale Gunn smells like a mixture of malt-soaked sweat, Aqua Velva, Old Spice body powder, Brut, and Havoline® Super Premium High Performance SAE 20W-50. And tobacco. Not that he uses tobacco. He just smells like it naturally. 

Let's stop for a moment and take a look at the male cast of our superpowered Real World: Detroit, shall we?

• Lonely blond hunky lifeguard Aquaman, estranged from his wife, and far from the closest octopus. With his telepathy, he makes you want to obey.
• J'onn J'onnz, who can assume any form or appearance you want, and who'll have sex with a passing space octopus if it winks at him. With his telepathy, he knows what it feels like for an octopus.
• 18 year old 6'2" slab of man-machine and probable virgin Steel, who behind his skin is all hard mechanical pistons of limitless energy and is very anxious to have his mettle tested (a.k.a. "The Human Sex Toy").
• Vibe, a short but sinewy 19 year old Puerto Rican breakdancer and street thug who can emit powerful vibrations from any and every part of his body (a.k.a. "El Juguete Humano del Sexo").
• The Elongated Man, who is not named that without reason, and who could simultaneously entertain you and ten friends in one room while watching a movie with his wife in another (a.k.a. "The World Famous Human Sex Toy").
• And Dale Gunn, a grouchy smelly old mechanic.

So what happens?Oh. Well. Of course. Must be the smell. From this, I can only conclude that writer Gerry Conway simply has never met any women. At all. Perhaps he was raised by Trappist monks. Actually, my other theory is that with Dale Gunn, Conway is reinventing Jimmy Olsen for the 1980s. Jimmy Olsen was the avatar of the reader of his day. Geeky Jimmy Olsen says, "Come to the DC Universe where an ill-dressed underage nerd just like you can have a high profile job without any credentials, be best friends with Superman, and have his own fan club of under-nerds!" By the 1980s, the comic book audience has evolved, and Dale Gunn is their man. Grizzled Dale Gunn says, "Come to the DC Universe where bald smelly older guys with bad facial hair and no social life who live underground and work with machines just like you get hit on by seductive, half-dressed magical heiresses and man-hungry supermodel animal-women. Cookies included." Oh, but surely I'm exaggerating, you say! Zatanna and Vixen are just, you know, teasing each other about being "dirty girls" and "doing it" with the custodian. Girls are like that, you say; you know, because you've seen Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives. Have it your way... Boy, nothing gets past Dale, does it? And see, I told you; cookies included. "Night-thoughts", huh? Nice one, Zee, I'll have to use that when I'm on line at Studhunt.com. Gee, Dale; is that a glass of milk in your lap or are you just happy to see me? And, Zee, it's almost like you're desperately looking for a substitute father figure, as if -- oh yeah, that's right. I forgot... It's okay, Zee, we all have our issues. Yow; Jungle Fever. She's Gotta Have It, indeed. And, I might add, it seems that This Gunn's For Hire. But it's not like Zee's a tramp, you know. She waited until almost a full 24 hours after they met and she made sure he knows what her name is. Good girl, Zee. Zatara would be proud. Okay. I take it back. She is a tramp. !flesruoy ylppa tnacirbul lanosreP This, you know, is just the first issue of Justice League Detroit. And we haven't even gotten to Vibe...

The Meta-Origin of the Detroit League

Let's start talking about the Detroit League. There's been enough time. Healing takes time.

The first issue is: what the heck were they thinking?

Easy; they were copying Marvel.

In 1980, DC brought over Marv Wolfman from Marvel, who re-created the Teen Titans, refocusing the group around some new characters he created in the Marvel adolescent-angst parental-conflict mode; voila, instant X-Force.

Sales took off, mostly from stealing Marvel readers, I'll wager. Everyone I know who's a Titans fan had been reading Marvel before, then started reading the Titans, then grew up and read real DC comics. Well, not all of them grew up, but you get the idea.

"Aping Marvel makes $? Well, then!", DC says. It was the 1980s and Greed Was Good. So, following this idea of putting new whine in old battles, DC allowed two of its most traditional properties to be slaved to X-Men / Avengers ripoffs.

The Outsiders ("zzzzzzznnnn....") were the pseudo X-Men with Batman playing the role of Prof. Xavier (trainer and leader). In 1984, the JLA was recast a la the Avengers, courtesy of Gerry Conway, another Marvel writer whom DC caught on his way to write Matlock. Like a bad head cold.

The Guys Who Had Their Own Series were sent off to go, um, fight something in some temporal something or other. Spearholders Aquaman and the Martian Manhunter (joined by ubergoober tagalong the Elongated Man) formed a new, ahem, League -- Marvel style!

Like a Marvel group, they had to have a headquarters in a down-to-earth, real world city. It don't get no more down to earth than Detroit folks. Like a Marvel group, they needed some immature, whining, insecure losers who just happened to have superpowers.

Fortunately (?), Detroit was full of them. In walks Vixen (conceptual love-child of Storm and Wolverine), Gypsy (conceptural love-child of the Invisible Girl and Mysterio), Steel (conceptual love-child of Captain America and Wolverine), and Vibe (the Sensational Character Find of 1984).

More on them later...

Fear for Fun and Victory

Fear isn't much fun. But it is useful. When you're the Scarecrow heroclix, it can be both!

The Scarecrow's heroclix dials already try to represent his schtick. But wouldn't some actual FEAR pogs be fun (at least for him)!The 6-point Rookie Fear is represented visually by some common phobias (snakes, spiders, and open spaces [like the mind-numbing horror of untraversible cityscapes that is Central City]). They've got Willpower (because phobias are persistent) and Exploit Weakness (which is what phobias do), so try to keep this Fear at a distance!

Of course, Fear can sneak up on you, using the stealth of the Batman Ally ability. Does it seem strange that the tool of a Batman Enemy should have the Batman Ally ability? Well -- Fear IS an ally of Batman's!

The 8-point Experienced Fear has a longer range, and exchanges Willpower for Charge, so it's represented by generic monsters that pop out from behind corners and scare the bejeezus out of you. This is still the kind of Fear that is Batman's Ally.

The 10-point Veteran Fear is more like existential dread. This is not an Ally of Batman (but it still has Stealth so it can lurk, unlike those of you who came out during De-Lurking Week). What it gives up in endurance by not having Charge or Willpower, it makes up for by acquiring Quake (in your boots!), which can damage multiple victims and send them fleeing.

Like the T-Spheres we made for Mr. Terrific, Scarecrow's Fears are best used in combination with one another to engage opponents while their master attacks from another direction. Unlike the spheres, the Fears can continue even after Scarecrow is kayoed.

Here's to turning your Fears into your opponent's fears!

Hal's Head versus the Bar of Soap

Ah, I've been looking for an excuse to provide a medley of Hal's Head posts (not because I want to, you understand, but a reader specifically requested it, and I am the Slave of Duty).

Now, thanks to Ken Bricktosser, I've found my excuse: The Man Who Murdered Santa Claus. It was the first time John Stewart fought beside the JLA as Green Lantern; Hal Jordan was "unavailable".

Why was Hal unavailable, you ask? Because ...

Hal Jordan slipped on a bar of soap in the shower and hit his head.

Note that Hal painted his bathroom wall yellow. Smart guy.
Anyway, even his RING was so embarrassed, it fled:

"RING HUMILIATION LEVEL AT 100%;
RECOMMEND EVASIVE ACTION."

You know, I couldn't make up stuff this good if I tried all day. Kill me now and I'll die happy.

I've said a lot of mean things about Len Wein (who wrote this story).

I take them all back.


Hal's Head as Political Allegory

Hal's Head as Feminist Metaphor

Hal Uses His Head

Hal's Head Versus the Daily News

Hal's Head as Architectural Satire

Hal's Head versus the Tree and the Toy Airplane.

Hal's Head versus the Advertising Industry

The Golden Age Takes Its Revenge Against Hal's Head

Hal's Head versus Seat 14-D.

Results of the Hal Poll