Monday, August 14, 2006

"Cats are Evil" Week

Welcome to Cats Are Evil Week at the Absorbascon!

No one likes to talk about it. Some people have trouble admitting it. But everyone knows it's true.

Cats are evil.

That why evil geniuses -- Stavros Blofeld, Dr. Evil, Dr. Claw -- all clutch kitties. How can anyone not know that cats are evil? Do you not watch movies? Do you not read the Bible? Do you not visit the Comic Book Resources Forum? Do you not love nature? Do you not play video games?

Cats are evil. In corollary, of course, dogs are good.

If it weren't for cats, Superman would have married Lois decades ago...

Cats are evil. AND ....they must be punished.


Anonymous said...


They are merely independent, and humans are so terribly narcissistic that they mistake a cat's indifference (which is often a facade) for evil.

Many humans, of course, much prefer the slavish deference of doggies. I like doggies, but their lack of dignity and low self-esteem disgusts me at times.

Anonymous said...

What about Streaky?

Scipio said...

"What about Streaky?"

Stay tuned.


"Independent" and "indifferent toward humanity" are phrases commonly found on the Myspace pages of supervillains.

Anonymous said...

So we can add cats meowing to the list of thing that can hurt Superman along with Krpytonite and Magic.

Anonymous said...

I'm relatively certain that that "Cats and the Bible" piece is not serious. I'd almost be willing to say that it was written by a person that is not a Christian and was trying to make fun of them. I don't think many actual Christians would accept his reasons for cats being evil, for he uses extremely bad logic and theology. It seems to be an attempt at humor. (I'd be laughing, but, sadly, some people may read that and think that Christians actually belive it!)

I do find the fact that British gardeners hate cats only slightly less than rats quite amusing, though.

P.S. Why doesn't Superman just use his Super-breath to create a wind-vortex to pull the sound-waves of the cat's meowing to a different location? That's what I'd do.

Scipio said...

"So we can add cats meowing to the list of thing that can hurt Superman"

Isn't that surpassingly ODD?

Superman can withstand an atomic blast but can't bear the sound of cats.

THAT is how evil cats are.

Anonymous said...

Although you can't really see it here, the orange cat in the front (crawling over Batman's leg) has a ridiculously vicious and crazy look on its face. Cats are evil, and Norm Breyfogle knows it.

Anonymous said...

Will this be followed by a Dogs are Good Week, with one day solely devoted to the dog who kicked Hal Jordan's ass?

Brandon Bragg said...

At least dogs have the common decency to eat their own vomit.

Anonymous said...

As usual, The Onion sums up cat ownership as only they can.

kalinara said...

Hey, I have a cat!


Oh right. Evil. Yeah. :-)

Anonymous said...

"Dachshunds are evil"

Speaking of Dachshunds; Scipio knows one

And he has admited it is evil as hell
Therefore it becomes obvious that this evil canine has blackmailed our host to post lies about cats all this week, or else the wily dachshund will, as Scipio puts it: "have (Scipio) tripped , crushed (his) trachea, and, as (he) suffocate, be sitting on (Scipio's) chest chewing on (his) ribs while farting in (Scipio's) face. And wagging his tail"

Scipio said...

The Dachshund is not sitting beside me right now. Looking at my throat.

He is not coercing me.

He is a good dog, of whom I have no fear.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

Harvey Jerkwater said...

Krypto's exclamation is "Great Bones?"

Leaving aside the double entendres (which is difficult), it's still a fine cry. It tells you about the character, his loves, and his outloook on the world. It's like me taking as my signature exclamation of "Great Glazed Donuts!" Which I might just have to do.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

As the owner of two cats, I'll vouch for feline evil. The short-haired one is facing indictment on six counts of racketeering. The long-haired one has extensive ties to the Triads. Plus, one of them peed all over my slippers last week. They're pure evil.

I'd get rid of them, but I know they'd just find a way to slip back into my house at night and kill me in my sleep. Best not to rouse their ire. So I keep them in litter and kibble.

Anonymous said...

Evil geniuses clutch kitties in the hopes that their feline cleverness will somehow rub off on them!

Personally, I'd rather deal with a supervillain independent & indifferent to humans than one that whores itself for lamb treats and eats its own feces.

Scipio said...

"Krypto's exclamation is "Great Bones?""

Fabulous, isn't it?

"I'd get rid of them, but I know they'd just find a way to slip back into my house at night and kill me in my sleep."

They suck the breathe out of your lungs; everyone knows that.

Scipio said...

"one that whores itself for lamb treats"

Do you not have a job?

"and eats its own feces."

Dogs usually only eat the feces of other dogs; which raises the question:

do you not have a job?

Anonymous said...

"Do you not have a job?'

Dude, that makes no sense and is totally lame.

You are losing it like a conservative talk-show host.

(I'm sorry, that was really mean. I take it back.)

Scipio said...

Actually, it's a satirical reference to the fact that many people have demeaning jobs that put food on their table.

Anonymous said...

do you not have a job?

I do; it's cleaning up after my coprophiliac dog.

I'm sure she'd enjoy other doggie scat, but I don't let her dine out.

Austen said...

This can't truly have success, I suppose so.
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