When I was born

When I was born....

Eclipso tried to destroy his alter ego / arch enemy Bruce Gordon by using a giant, red ore-crushing robot.

Named "Roger".

*Sigh*.

Why are robots always red?
Who names an ore-crusher?
Why would it have feet?
Does Eclipso not know how to use a gun?

The Silver Age is like my dog;
I love it, but it really makes my head hurt.

Victory is Cold and Dark

Ordinarily I don't brag about my Heroclix victories (on-line anyway) ... because I usually lose. But, because I'm still bitter over losing certain other competitions (damn you, Wangari Maathi, and your trendy, pacifying headwear!), I'll revel in my win at last's night clix table (despite the risk of on-line or real-time retaliation from a noted blogger whom one does not wish to anger).

We played two games to inaugurate the new water and ice map from Xion Studios; no blocking terrain, only six squares of terrain to stealth in, basically a tiny icy shooting gallery. For giggles, I fielded a "Cold and Dark" theme team of villains; Experienced "Please Heal Me with Your Warmth!" Killer Frost, Rookie "Slowly Moving Target" Mr. Freeze, Rookie "Not in the Face!" Obsidian, Rookie "I'll Be Way Over Here" Shade, Rookie "Worst Dial Ever" Penguin.

A fun, but hopeless team, particularly since the other two teams included the likes of the illegal promo Batman from Icons & Veteran Arcane, a "Four Elements" group of Hawkman, Aquaman, Firestorm, and Clayface, a JSA group of Mr. Terrific, Stargirl, Black Canary, Hawkgirl, and the Asian tigers Talia, Ra's Al Ghul, and Lady Shiva.

I won. Twice. I didn't even lose any figures. There are gods, people, and they are evil!

Why did I win? Because my mind channeled the collective genius and expertise of Per Degaton, Vandal Savage, Kanjar Ro, the Ultrahumanite, and all world-conquering DC villains who always lose. That, and nearly constant use of Stealth, Smoke Cloud, and Barrier on a map where hiding was difficult. Best moment? The Penguin clobbering that preening poseur Ra's Al Ghul with a critical hit. I almost called my mother: "What's that, Ma? Your grandchildren have formed a musical group and are appearing on next week's Star Search? That's, um, real cute, Ma, but let me tell you about my Rookie Penguin...!"

Give DC Heroclix a try, gang. It's more fun than you think!

The Human Flying Fish Speaks Out!

There is no justice in this world!

I, Vic Bragg, am the Human Flying Fish, bravest criminal of ALL TIME. Once you have seen me, my image is burned upon the back of your retina for all time; close your eyes, for I am there!

Why am I not in Villains United?! Ragdoll? Crime Doctor? The friggin' CATMAN? What about ME?!

Before there was Dr. Geist, there was Dr. Krill. When Dr. Krill, your average criminal mastermind / marine biologist / surgeon, needed a human guinea pig for his bizarre experiments to twist the human form by installing gills into lungs, what did I say?

"Sure, doc, I'll play guinea pig!"

Now, THAT'S bravery, folks. I had to recovery for several months after my surgeries (Doc performed those on a hijacked "Hospital Ship"; oh, they're all over the ocean, really). Was I scared? No.

Was I scared to don a golden yellow wetsuit with water wings and look like Esther Williams brain-damaged offspring? No.

Okay, one does put on some weight after several months of bedrest, and I was afraid of looking fat in front of the fans, so I had Paul Gambi whip me up this snazzy bodice with slimming purple and white stripes and a snug little black cinch; stylin'!

So with only some risky experimental and unnecessary surgery on my lungs, a few months of bed rest, and a willingness to dress like Batman's astonishingly flamboyent cousin, NOW look at what I can do. I can catch seagulls, man. Do have any idea what the black market for seagulls is? I'm telling you, that Doc Krill's a friggin' genius! He's right, we were ready to clean up a fortune!

I started by scoring this discarded beachball that had floated out to sea. I wanted to sell it on E-bay but Doc said, naw, we'll ransom it back to the kid's family. Doc's a smart one! He's a mind-reader, too, as you can see. As you can see from the panel, Doc can hear my thoughts! I think I love him.

Well, I would have gotten away with it -- except for that dork, Aquaman. Who wears gloves to go swimming? Dang it all; do you know how hard it is to find an undamaged, lost beachball? Aquaman can ruin anything; the Superfriends, the Atlantic Ocean, even the Detroit League; loser.

Then he caught me when I was trying to steal an empty box. Ever notice there are no Container Stores at beach towns? There aren't. Doc coulda found a buyer for that box, and we woulda been living on easy street, with enough money for me to go on wearing gold lame skintight costumes and for Doc to continue performing radical surgeries on my vital systems for the rest of our friggin' lives, man. Doc and I would have been so... happy *sniff*!

Shut up, Aqualad, you big-headed purple-eyed little FREAK! When we get out of prison several decades from now, Doc and I are gonna track down that box and mail it to Aquaman with your severed mishaped dwarf head inside, no matter how many years or stamps it takes! No one mocks the Human Flying Fish ... and lives.

The Name's Xavier. Marco Xavier

I want Marco Xavier to come back.

Back in the 1960s when guys like Hawkman and Aquaman were cashing in on the secret agent craze, Martian Manhunter got in the act, too (as I was reminded by a faithful Absorbascommenter!).

Believe it or not, from July 1966 to April 1968 (House of Mystery 160 -173), the Martian Manhunter abandoned his "John Jones" identity and adopted the identity of deceased European playboy Marco Xavier. MM himself accidently caused Xavier's death, but that was okay since Xavier was a bad guy anyway (that sort of thing used to happen a lot in the Silver Age, and heroes never lost any sleep about it; when did heroes become so namby-pamby that they'd get their panties in a bundle about a little magical lobotomy, for pity's sake?!).

How bad was Xavier? Why, he was an agent of the evil superspy organization Vulture (eek!), headed by the horrible "Faceless." So, J'onn operated as a counterspy, infilitrating Vulture in order to destroy it. In a twist, Faux Marco was assigned by the organization to be their point man in fighting ... see whether you can guess it ... the Martian Manhunter.

OH, the comic book irony! Comic books love irony; the serial nature of the medium effectively precludes real tragedy or comedy, so the comic books are layered with nearly 70 years of irony instead. This wasn't the first or last time we've seen the "my good guy and bad guy secret IDs are in conflict" routine. Early Plastic Man was at odds with his other identity, Public Enemy Eel O'Brien. A memorable storyline in the Batman Adventures pitted Batman against Matches Malone. I'm sure the Absorbascommenters will chime in with more!

Anyway, the Faux Marco finally apprehended Faceless who turned out to be ... see whether you can guess it ... the Real Marco Xavier (who was not so dead after all)!

OH, the comic book irony!

What a great schtick for J'onn! C'mon, DC! He could be a black native of Federal City, secretly a white evil spy (maybe for Checkmate, whose name is about as silly as "Vulture"), supersecretly a green superhero! Where DOES he find the time?

Trumping Ace

Yikes, if you thought Batman was hard on his human assistants ... poor Ace!

But remember, Batman and Robin are not Perfectly Ordinary Americans.

Perfectly Ordinary Americans do not hit dogs. With a sock to the jaw. While making jokes.

People like that grow up to become serial killers, Batman.

FYI, readers, a bit of advice from a dog professional. If you are in an altercation with a violent dog, trying to sock him in the jaw makes about as much sense as putting your hand into a garbage disposal. A dog's reaction time is much faster than yours, and it will simply shred your fist with clamp-like jaws that are lined with 42 nearly unbreakable bonecrushing arrowheads and that can exert the same amount of pressure as that within a locomotive's steam engine ... in some cases, more.

Then you will be the one saying "e-e-e-yipe", at least until you pass out from pain, at which point the dog will crush your trachea, then start eating all your soft parts.

Be good to dogs, folks.

Gayest Couple Poll Results

Okay, the overwhelming winners in our Gayest Comic Book Couple Poll are Booster Gold and Blue Beetle.

I respect this, but I think it just goes to show one thing: most Absorbascon readers don't know many gay couples!

Hey, I'm just as willing as the next guy to read gay subtext into comic book where it doesn't belong. But despite the closeness of their friendship, Blue and Gold had all the classic earmarks of straight buddies encouraging each other in adolescent irresponsibility and covering each other backs (um, so to speak).

And what a classic pairing they were! A shallow BMOC desperate to hide his feelings of loneliness and mental inadequacy and a science nerd who wanted to hang out with the BMOCs. They had zero problems admitting and expressing their fondness for one another, which smells much more like guys comfortable with their heterosexuality than guys struggling with their homosexuality.

Catman and Deadshot? Now THOSE are closet cases...

Stupid Hero Quote

"Good gosh! These lovely crystal gardens are shattering -- apparently at the mere sight of me!"

Hmm. Perhaps some heroes aren't as pretty we think!

What hero had such a big impact, made such a shiny mess, and said such a stupid quote?

Guest Star Poll Results: The Phantom Stranger

I'm suprised (but shouldn't be) that the winner of our Favorite Guest Star Poll turned out to be the Phantom Stranger.

It makes sense. Although virtually nothing is know about the Phantom Stranger (other than that he favors Wendy's), he was designed to be a guest star; it's what he does.

"Stop," commanded the Stranger. "The decision you make now could affect your life, the lives of others... the fate of the world! If you choose wisely, things will be good. If you choose poorly, things will be bad. You have been warned, but I can help you no further for I am no friend, merely... a stranger."

Uh, thanks, PS. Now that you've reaffirmed my belief in the radical theory of "cause and effect", can I get back to perusing the menu in peace? I hope my choice of Combo Meal 4 with Dr. Pibb won't collapse the multiverse...

The man was basically a guest star in his own title, always lurking about as a shadow on the wall. That's how all the spooky comics worked back in the day. Some overarching interlocutory force (Cain or Abel, the Cryptkeeper, the Three Witches, Fate) was used to give a sense of continuity to one-shot EC style stories. Phantom Stranger was the most "pro-active" and actually appeared in the stories, but he's a comic book Greek chorus. He comments on the action, warns people, helps readers understand what's at stake and how they should feel about it. But in the end, the characters' fates are in their own hands, not his.

He has been traipsing around the DCU, as hard it is to believe, since 1952. Hard to believe because the character resists even well-meant attempts to give him backstory, explanation, or context. Those are just stories to him, and he remains exactly as unknown and unknowable as he was 50 years ago. But all that walking must be tiring....

The Black is Back

Manta, that is.

He's spiffy. He's wicked. He's radical.
You think his ideology's outmoded?
You think his costume's silly?
You think he's "lame"?

Look at the man. I've got news for you:
Black Manta doesn't give a flying fish what you think.

While you're laughing at him, he's planning on forcing you to fight your best friend to the death as your baby suffocates in front of your eyes.

If you aren't reading Aquaman, then do. It's all coming together.
Sub Diego and Atlantis. Aquaman's son, Koryak (woof!), and Lorena the Aquagirl. ProGeneTech and Black Manta. Esther Maris and Arthur Curry. Captain Malrey and Dr. Geist.

The labcoat is off, and Aquaman's mythos has turned a corner with this issue. It's not that anything huge happened (except the seamonster attacking the pipeline, but you'll have to read that for yourself), but Aquaman's world just seemed to finally all click into place.

When I read Aquaman this month, it finally felt like it feels when you read a Batman story: it cohered. You know the character, you know his world and the other players, but you still don't know what's going to happen.

Rick Veitch, Peter David, Grant Morrision, et al., were focused, I think, on trying to turn Aquaman into some other character (He's King Arthur underwater! He's the Mysticky Aquarian! He's the Rule of 3/4 of the Planet! He's the conceptual love-child of Namor and Captain Ahab!) because, at heart, they are embarrassed about what he is.

He's Aquaman. He's got power over the things that live in the sea and he protects people and things that live in, on, or by the sea. That's quite a lot and it's quite enough and his monthly title now proves that.

Despite some editorial/authorial bumps along the way ("Gibberish!"), DC finally has people who are building a world, a story around Aquaman himself (thanks to WILL PFEIFFER, whose genius made it all possible and who has gotten too little recognition and gratitude for it), instead of making up some story they find interesting while trying to shoe-horn Aquaman in as the supposed central character.

And, lo and beyond, build a mythos around a character instead of trying to graft him onto one and it actually works. Someone should write about that.

Get this!

I don't want to be mean about the F4 film. Really. As much as I dislike Marvel, I believe that every comic book movie that does well makes the next one more likely to be made, and so I wish all comic-based films well.

Also, I know that "civilians" often don't "get it" when it comes to comic book movies. For example, a local, usually comic-friendly publication in my city dissed Batman Begins because it wasn't "fun and bright". *Sigh*.

Nevertheless, I can't help but feel the force of these remarks from a review I stumbled across today through the help of the Great Curve:

"Get this! Only one of the Fantastic Four is happy to have superpowers. The others grumble and complain. What makes them so fantastic? I’ll never pick up a FANTASTIC FOUR comic book."

Out of the mouths of comic-book babes! If anyone wants to understand what my beef with Marvel is....

there it is.

The Real Reason I Hate Green Arrow!

Before, I didn't like Green Arrow. I have sinced learned from So So Silverage that he WAPPED my beloved Vibe. Now, I HATE him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Yesterday, my custom Vibe heroclix arrived. And Monday night when Devon of Seven Hells puts Green Arrow on the board, I will have only one goal in mind...

Villains United (except for their body parts)

Geez, you two, just get a room already!

Just when you thought the budding homoerotic relationship between Catman and Deadshot (pointed out so accurately by my fellow members of the Gay Bloggers Union at So So Silverage) couldn't get any steamier, we discover this week that Deadshot insists on doing it without all that "mushy stuff" (probably insists on wearing the mask!). Have you ever seen a couple so afraid of their softer sides? Pathetic. Between these two and the Ragdoll / Parademon couple, we're closer to the Fab Five than the Secret Six!

Anyway, as So So Silverage points out plenty to enjoy in this week's comics! So much I can't put it all in one post.

VILLAINS UNITED

It's the little things that I love about this title, and I don't just mean Dr. Psycho! Things like "Metropolopoly", Ragdoll's tendency toward polite understatement, Tysonization as a method of attack (Fatality is really bad at keeping her body parts), the ease with which Schickel-goober Captain Nazi is played, and the Single Greatest Use of the Injury to the Eye Motif since the Comics Code was lifted (and it couldn't have happened to a nice guy).

Still, in a book full of broken arms and damaged sense organs, the most disturbing thing was the conversation between Luthor and Black Adam. We finally see that Black Adam is severely naive and easily disillusioned, underscored by Val Semieks' visuals wherein it's suddenly clear how much Black Adam looks like Captain Marvel. Wow.

One question though; isn't Knockout oddly squeamish for a former Female Fury? That's just out of character, Simone!

Starman Provides My Birthday List

DRAMA! = STARMAN!

For some readers, drama is a spice, whose judicious use renders savory a solid meal of a well-done slab of plot with a healthy side of characters. But if you're a reader of STARMAN....

Drama's a drug, baby, and you mainline it, you snort that smack right up the nose. Who cares about getting three square storylines a day, I got my high-qual drama fix, man, and this ain't that cheap Wolfman crap you find on Titan Street that's been stepped on 10 times and strung out over 24 issues, this is the pure Starman stuff, and you can't handle much more than a panel at a time.

Hooded, robed masterminds directly menacing you through the fourth wall!

Sarcophagal emergences!

And Minion Injunctions so high-octane you just ... can't read them... without SHOUTING!

"THOUGHT-ROBOTS! SEIZE HIM!"

My birthday's July 20, folks, and I only want three things:

1. A purple floor-length tunic with matching hood ensemble.
2. A standing sarcophagus (with squeaky hinges), size 42 short.
3. Thought-Robots ... at least six of them.

Plotclix!

There's some big Heroclix announcement today, so (whatever it is) I'll celebrate by imagining:

Plotclix, with its new starter set "DC Writer Icons"!

Morrison.
Perplex, down the dial, since that's all he does to readers. Hypersonic Speed, because the ideas hit and run away so fast that you almost don't haven't enough time to recognized how half-baked they are. Almost.

Johns.
Outwit, because, although so many of his solutions seem obvious IN RETROSPECT, I've never yet figured any out in advance! He also has Support (better known as healing) because he can take characters that have been essentially kayoed and put them back on the board strongly than ever.

Loeb.
Energy explosion, because every action has lots of splash that touches lots of figures but without much impact; and Green Lantern Team Ability, because every plot carries along at least 8 unnecessary adjacent characters.

Rucka.
Mastermind, because the damage in his plots always gets passed along to lots of low-cost generic figures whose names you don't know.

Winick.
The Legion "wildcard" TA, because he has no plot of his own, only plots copied from someone else.

Kirby.
Charge! Close combat expert!! You ask, oh faithful reader,why?! Because his stuff has a fast punch up front, but if you take only one step back it becomes meaningless.

Greyson.
Exploit weakness. She grabs on to a character and wears them away by picking at their defenseless "inner selves", click after click after click.

Jimenez.
Imperviousness. No one, but NO ONE, can get through that prose and even if they did, he'd elude your understanding with his "im-probability roll".

Pfeiffer.
Long-range combat expert. It takes him a while to set up the shot, but when it hits, it's dead on and devastating!

Byrne.
Poison. If you let him get close to your character, he'll poison it slowly from within until it's an unrecognizable shadow of its original self.

How Smart is Batman?

How Smart is Batman?

Smart enough to have mastered the arcane techniques of the Kiss of Death ... AND make you thank him for it, too!

Anti-Arrow Rampage!

OR,

You could go to school or get a job or be a superhero on your own two feet or at least friggin' sit up straight as if you had a backbone!

I'm sick of the Arrow Family ("the Green Team"). Sick of their whiny excuse-making and self-righteous finger-pointing. Sick of their lecturing others while littering the globe with their illegitimate children. Sick of their cheating on their girlfriends, being prostitutes and junkies, trying to be "cool" instead of effective, being victims of modern socially relevant problems, fighting non-deadly crimes with deadly weapons, their eighth-rate "rogues", their prissy facial hair, their greed, their gullibility, their self-centeredness. They are the embodiment of all that has gone wrong with our culture in the last century, both inside and outside of comic books.


Except for Connor Hawke. I like him. He's cute.

Green Like Me

Over at Seven Hells, the recent article on Black superheroes (as well as the fine new blog, Glyphs, which focuses on black characters in comics) has inspired me to post yet another idea for the Martian Manhunter (whose lack of a title or even a backup series annoys me).

J'onn J'onnz should be black.

That is, his secret identity should be black. I believe that in Morrison's "White Martian" JLA storyline, it was established or strongly implied that Green Martians were the Black people of Mars. With that as background, JJ can be conceived of as identifying more easily with a secret identity as a black man (to the degree that someone as alien as he can identify with any "earthling").

Even within DC's fuzzy chronology, I think it's fair to say that J'onn was around during at least some of the "Civil Rights Era"; that's got to leave an impression on a guy, particularly one who's just arrived from another planet.

What's more, some people who erreth not but shall remain nameless, have suggested headquartering J'onn (who desperately needs a fictionopolis of his own) in a reintroduced Federal City, with its large black community. Interesting! There are dumber things the JLA could do than put its telepath in the center of the capital of the free world...

So--for the Manhunter at least-- is Green the new Black, as another blog is fond of saying?

Two-sided Coins

The heart of what makes many characters interesting is some kind of inherent contradiction.

Two-Face is simply the most obvious example. Is he good or evil? A force for order or for chaos? The only answer is "yes". Our unending fascination with Two-Face is based on our fascination with humanity, with ourselves. Are we angels or apes?

Batman. Upholder of the law or self-appointed vigilante? Brilliant psychological warrior or maladjusted control freak? Loner or general? A comfort or a terror? Ninja, detective, or superhero?

Superman. Naive farmboy or worldly reporter? The American Way or visitor from a distant planet? Regular guy blessed with extraordinary abilities or extraordinary being pretending it's a regular guy? Meek and mild-mannered or the guy with the angry red eyes?

Wonder Woman. Ambassador of peace or butt-kicking warrior woman? Loving and supportive nurturer or preachy arbiter of unrealistic standards of living? Ideal feminist or feminine ideal? The woman every man wants or the woman every man's afraid of?

The Joker. Comedian or killer? Force of chaotic nature or just another scarred nutjob? Comic relief or the most terrifying serial killer ever conceived? Brilliant and eccentric criminal egotist or pathetic demon-driven madman?

Lex Luthor. The avatar of human ambition or symbol of human pettiness? Defender of the common man or enemy of society? Superboy's friend or Superman's enemy?

Catwoman. Indepedent defender of the weak or self-centered bitch? Villainess or adventuress? Love interest or public enemy?

Mxyzptlk. Pest or teacher? Comic book character or meta-fictional commentator? Silly imp or omnipotent god?


But I could go on like this all day. If you'll think about your own favorite characters, you'll probably discover that there's some sort of inherent contradiction built in to them, and, therefore, an inherent tension. Instinctively, we view the "sides" of their personalities as unreconcilible (even when intellectually we know better!). We tune in to the adventures of such characters not only to watch them come into conflict with each other but to watch them come into conflict with themselves. That way, they are interesting in themselves, not merely as stock figures in a literary Heroclix game of Good Guys versus Bad Guys. It also makes them adaptable to changing times and circumstances; the history of the characters is the course of their vacillations between their various "sides".

Conversely, if you think about what some characters are missing and why they aren't as interesting as you'd like them to be, you'll probably find that no one's explored their inherent contradictions much. The current Flash is an example for me. To me, Wally West is just ... Wally West. If they worked the "blue collar by day, iconic superhero by night" routine a bit more, I might be more interested. What Johns failed to accomplish for me on the Flash he is succeeding with on Green Lantern. Hal Jordan is an obedient soldier and a rebel, a noble hero and a conceited jackass, an unimaginative dullard and a master tactitian, one of the superhero community's most and least respected members. In short, he's what you get if you roll John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner into one.

Comments?

The American Way

The patriotic hero quiz.

Uncle Sam.

Liberty Belle.

Miss America.

Miss Liberty.

The Star-Spangled Kid.

Red, White, & Blue.

The Fighting American.

C.A.W.!

If Aquaman can fight an Acronym of Evil (the ridiculously named O.G.R.E., the Organization for General Revenge and Enslavement), then Hawkman can, too!

In the mid 1960s, American culture was caught in the "spy craze" (James Bond, Man from UNCLE, Get Smart, etc.), and, while more stolid heroes like Superman and Batman were immunely set in their story-telling ways, lesser lights like Aquaman and Hawkman were refreshingly subject to such fads.

And so, Hawkman and Hawkgirl worked with the CIA to fight... C.A.W.! The Criminal Alliance of the World had agents dressed like crocodiles and other Egyptian animal avatars, faux magus staffs that shot out colored flames (oooOOO!) or ill-defined "rays" (how very Marvel!), and a convoluted plan to conquer the world by acquiring the scientific secrets of the ancients.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd found a billion-dollar worldwide criminal organization to acquire the scientific secrets of people who never quite mastered indoor plumbing, particularly if I already had a staff that shot out colored flames (I mean, what could be more impressive than that?). But that mix of ancient archeology and imagery, high-tech gadgetry, and the organized cops versus organized crime dynamic was the crux of the attractive strangeness of the Silverage Hawkman.

Don't laugh at C.A.W., man! Remember the teleporters on the old JLA satellite? Where do you think they came from? C.A.W., buddy, C.A.W. When the Hawks confiscated the remains of the Twin Dogs of Sebek, an ancient teleportation device, Thanagarian scientists were able to use them to crack the secret of teleportation, a technology they shared with the JLA. [Did Rann ever give the JLA a zeta beam, or even a jet pack? No.]

C.A.W. had anti-grav guns, acid-bubble bazookas, explosive particlizers, and protonic amplifiers. Hot dang! Laugh at my crocodile-head mask, bub, and I'll dissolve your arms with acid bubbles, explode the particles of your legs, and float your screaming torso out over the Pacific. Then I'll go to your house and repeatedly amplify your wife's protons, pal, so don't mess with C.A.W.!

Even with all that going for them, C.A.W., like O.G.R.E., only appeared in 3 or 4 Silverage stories. *Sniff*!

This is the part of the post where you expect me to call for the return of C.A.W. Wrong! C.A.W. has already returned. JSA All-Stars #2 (July 2003) revealed that they were still around and still pestering the Hawks...

Clearly, it's C.A.W. who's hired all the old Hawk-villains to kill him. Yes. Clearly.

Bring Back O.G.R.E.!

Now that Hal Jordan is back as Green Lantern, what will the H.E.A.T. people do?

I hope they'll switch their energies to advocating the return of: O.G.R.E., the Organization for General Revenge and Enslavement, a recurring Aquaman foe of the 1960s.

Why, there they are now in the person of "The Huntress", that bikinied beauty bothering Arthur and Mera with her Underwater Disturbing Concentric Ring Bazooka. A bikini; yes, that's just what I would wear while attacking the sovreigns of the sea. A yellow bikini with polka dots, just like in the song.

Perhaps it's not a raygun. It could be a submarine music cannon purchased from the Pied Piper by O.G.R.E., who're using groovy go-go tunes to force the Aquacouple to irresistibly frug themselves to death. I mean, it is the 1960s and they broke out the "go-go checkerboard" for the first time on this issue, so it's possible. And dangnation, Arthur's got moves I haven't seen outside of a golden cage suspend above the dance floor! You go, girl!

Nah. Mera may be a wacked out other-dimensional hippy-chick with her headband and shiny one-piece, but Aquaman's got super-squareness to spare. He'd have no trouble resisting (unlike some undignified heroes who broke into the Batusi during their first TV episode), then he'd give you a lecture about underwater gun safety to boot, while commanding flounder to cover your near-nakedness with kelp.

Back to O.G.R.E. These aren't wild-eyed acid-scarred loons; these are the Executives of Evil, the MBAs of Malevolence. It's not about personal revenge and enslavement; it's just general. We don't care who you are, we'll be revenging ourselves on your neighborhood soon and enslaving you. Nothing personal, just business. You see, we've got you on our TimeTable of Terror. "Now terrorizing Number 47!"

At one point, they hired Black Manta to distract Aquaman for them. So businesslike! I can just see their brown-suited lawyer with a fishbowl on his head handing the underwater pen to Manta, "Now, initial here, here, and finally here..." Now, you know they're players if they can get Black Manta to work for The Man.

If an employee fails, they kill him; saves on paperwork. Their CEO was called the Supreme One, which looks great on a desk nameplate. Once they kidnapped the entire goldarned U.N., which puts the Batman's United Underworld to shame.

DC should update O.G.R.E. a bit and bring them back to bedevil Aquaman. I suppose, in a sense, they have! ProGenTech, which sunk Sub Diego and patented Aquaman's DNA, is just a classier, more modern version of O.G.R.E. , after all...

"Holy Butt Blasts, Batman!"

As established in previous posts, Batman and Robin are not Perfectly Ordinary Americans.

Perfectly Ordinary Americans do not find themselves trapped in giant bell jars, nor do they engage in conversations like...

"Gosh, Batman, how will we escape this giant bell jar that we find ourselves trapped in?"

"There's no time for me to cut through the container with the Tiny Oxy-Acetylene Torch that I carry in my utility belt, Robin, because giant human-capturing bell jars have been vastly improved since I was trapped in one during the Case of the Chemical Syndicate (Detective No. 27), and using it would only accelerate the rapid depletion of our remaining supply of oxygen, which is already dangerously low due to my excessive exposition."

"I'm--I'm feeling faint, Batman. Having trouble ... controlling breakfast burrito! I'm ... sorry, Batman!"

"Burrito? That's it, Robin, you've done it again! While I can't use my Tiny Oxy-Acetylene Torch to cut us out, I can use it to blast us out by igniting the noxious methane-based gas mix you customarily spout from your youthful bunghole. When I give the signal, hold your nose like this and flatuate, Robin; flatuate as you've never flatuated before!"

Whoosh! Crash!

ICONS Revealed!

In September, Wizkids Games is coming out with a new DC Heroclix starter set and a companion expansion called Icons. It's intended as a good "jumping on point" for those not yet playing the game.

The full list of figures is now available! Boy, they weren't kidding when they named it ICONS!

Starter Figures (all Uniques)
Batman (standing, black cape)
Robin (Dick Grayson)
The Joker (tipping pose)
Harley Quin (pop gun pose)
Hawkgirl (Shiera Hall)
Man-Bat

Icons REVs
Superman
Batman (posing on gargoyle)
Robin (Tim Drake)
Wonder Woman
Aquaman (waterhand sculpt)
The Joker (Killing Joke sculpt)
Scarecrow
Cheetah
Darkseid
Cyborg
Beast Boy
Raven
Starfire
Blackfire

Icons Uniques
Flash (Barry Allen)
Ra's Al Ghul
Terra
Lex Luthor (in battle armor)
Bizarro
Brainiac (robot)

Special Mailaway Offer Figures from Wizard Magazine
Batman (standing, blue cape)
Prof. Zoom

Charo and Johnathan Harris

Over at Seven Hells, Devon (who erreth not) has started an interesting conversation about "permanent guest-stars", characters whose role is to show and be 'familiar' in other people's books and stories but aren't central characters themselves.

This hits close to home; my own "Dynastic Centerpiece" model is about how to move Column B heroes into Column A so they might support their own books. Devon asks whether those in Column C should remain there on purpose.

In honor of this topic, own new polls asks,

"Who is your favorite (male hero) permanent guest star?"

Pleasures in Endless Series

The final results of the poll on Thanagarian pleasuring devices:

1. Hawkgirl's Do-It-Yourself Pleasuring Center. Makes sense. The other stuff requires a buff stud in a mask and leather harness, and if you have one of those, who needs anything else?

2. The Ecstacotron. Who said women don't love comics ... and vice versa?

3. The Sexosnare Couples Net. "Okay, tonight we'll pretend that you're a lion and I'm the hunter..."

4. The Seven Smells Rubdown Oil. Because sometimes, it's the simple things, you know?

5. The War Paint Lubricant Atomizer. "Giggle like Hawkgirl, woman; now!"

6. The Flying-Gorilla-Pleasing Absorbascon. Hey, take it from the Absorbascon, once you go "flying gorilla", you never go back.

7. The Good Old Ball & Chain. Needs no batteries!

8. The Electric Insertifier. Needs batteries. Lots and lots of batteries.

9. The Dinner Party Dumbells. Yea, I guess it can be hard to find two other superhero couples to join you...

10. The Benoit Bow. You men! You're all selfish bastards...

Whatever your pleasures, Thanagarian or otherwise, remember to enjoy the afterglow.