"Dear Atlantean Child Services,
"I am writing to urge you to take action to save an Atlantean child I feel is at risk: the Curry baby.
"I'm forced to call him 'the Curry baby', because, as far as I or anyone else in the neighborhood can tell, his parents haven't even deigned to give him a proper name. None of us has even heard them call him anything but 'Aquababy'; had these been land-dwellers, I can only assume he would be called 'Dirtchild' or 'Mudbaby'. Should they procreate again (Poseidon forbid!), I have no doubt the child will be named 'Hydro-young-un'.
"This 'Aquababy' is continually allowed to wander off or is otherwise misplaced; local seacow milk distributors reserve a permanent place for it on their cartons!
"Often, when the parents are gallavanting about the seascape frollicking with the fauna, they dump the child in the care of his uncle, a drunk-driving reprobate and convicted felon.
"When they do deign to handle their own child, they pimp him out like a performing seal at public events for gawking airbreathers. How can you permit this? Are we less civilized than the landlubbers, who at least have child labor and Coogan Laws?
"In private, these reefbillies think nothing of exposing the child to their dangerous 'Jackass-style' pasttimes.
"Which, I might add, many of us suspect involve illegal drug use.
"They have even been witnessed exposing the child to shocking, wind-warping art movements that will undoubtedly permanently pervert the child and erode its sense of values.
"I shudder to think how the child's nutritional needs are being addressed, if at all.
"Is it any wonder that the child has already begun to lash out at its torturers? Surely, we have an aquatic serial killer in the making!
"It's my understanding that this family -- despite being what I can only call 'white flotsam' -- is well-connected and has political pull. Is that what's keeping you from acting?
"I urge you to intervene soon, not just for the sake of the child, but for the sake of our community. I have no doubt that if you do not act, some concerned citizen may be forced to take matters into his own hands and things could get ugly!