Eye or Nay

 You know what's even more terrifying than

the eyes

of

Hal 

Jordan?

I do.

It's...

THE NON-EYES OF HAL JORDAN!

Heroclix Sunday: Ferris Aircraft

Welcome to Heroclix Sunday. In the forthcoming Heroclix set, there's a sweet new Hal Jordan figure.

Sorry, Sally P; no rear view available.

The black boxes surrounding some of those numbers indicate that Hal has the power "Outwit" (and that Wizkids has one hell of a sense of humor).

In case you were wondering, his construct is a baseball glove.
Because of course it is.

How does a guy who thinks up a baseball glove for protection get "Outwit"?!

So, today's map is for this new figure of everyone's favorite test pilot / toy salesman / insurance adjustor / truck driver / punching bag / boy toy, Hal Jordan.

Q: Why does Hal Jordan have no pupils?
A: Because he's got no class!

While there are generic Heroclix maps that feel appropriate for almost any hero to fight on (say, a public park), it's also nice to have bespoke ones that fit particular characters. Flash already has two such maps shown here, the CCPD map and Central City sidewalk.

As you may remember, Hal Jordan used to work for and date Carol Ferris, heir to Ferris Aircraft.  Neither worked out very well.

Can't imagine why.

Wizkids (makers of Heroclix) actually made a map of Ferris Aircraft once, but I didn't like it very much, so I have made my own.

There's a touch of outdoor blocking terrain on the edges of the map, where buildings (two hangars and two offices) intrude upon the space. There's also some elevated terrain for flyers like Hal to fly around.

Fly AROUND, Hal. Not AT.

And there are some vehicles, including planes, to serve as hindering terrain.

They hinder some people more than others.

In fact I even got some appropriate Hot Wings models to put ON those locations on the map for some 3D goodness.

Looks like Hal taxied those in.

How will YOU celebrate Hal Jordan's figure in the new set, or the new set generally?

Rock, Hal's Head, Paper.

Monday we revisited one of my favorite themes (memes?), the Eyes of Hal Jordan.

It's less well known that the "Hal Jordan's Head" phenomenon, but much creepier.  Another HJ theme is that, as a function of Hal's vanity, he often winds up creating, fighting, or otherwise dealing with copies of himself.

It has been theorized that crossing the streams of these Jordanian phenomena might destroy the DCU as we know it.

Oh, wait.  Hal already did that once.

Anyway, for the curious who have been searching for that ONE panel that captures all three phenomena so they can have it blown up, framed, and put in their cubicle at work to keep everyone away (Hi, SallyP!), I give you this.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Ultimate Hal Jordan Panel:

H-EYE-J

YAAH!  It's the return of comics' most terrifying aspect:

THE EYES OF HAL JORDAN

Okay, fine: the EYE of Hal Jordan.

As previously established, Hal Jordan's real power isn't his power ring, or his indestructible noggin, or even his "waist down" power.

No, his real power is the terror that lies with in his creepy creepy eyes. So today we honor it with a caption contest:

WHAT IS HAL JORDAN (OR HIS EYE) THINKING?

Green Lantern Filmation: Sirena's Final Hissy

Meanwhile, on the grim and forbidding Planetoid Sargasso...

Sirena, the Empress of Evil (tm), has launched her fleet against the decrepit Oans, who prepare to watch the own destruction from the comfort of their own comfty chairs, up from which, like good retirees, they would never pick their asses.

"Despite our infinite wisdom, we have deceived by the nurses, Ollie Ollie Oxenfru! For surely this spectacle is not Mattlock!" "Silence, Jolly Jowly Jerry-Tol, or our pudding rations will be threatened!"

Meanwhile, Kairo, Hal Jordan's Venusian Helper, manages to convince the kamikaze space-owl (whom he is now calling "Beepy" --or maybe "Beaky"-- instead of "Beefy") to fly into the Rapunzel-tower where Green Lantern is being held just out of arms reach of his power ring, and do its thing.

Which it does.

Here's the windup...



and the pitch...

and... STRIKE OUT!


Finally, someone dumber than Hal Jordan. At least when Hal got hit in the head with a space-owl he wasn't STARING RIGHT AT IT.

Hal, as predicted makes a dive for his ring.

Actually, it's more a dainty 'pluck'.

And shoves it onto his middle finger, which is not where one usually wears rings.

Why does Hal wear his power ring on his middle finger?

Because "FUCK YOU!", that's why.

The Eyes of Hal Jordan will still stare you death, power ring or no.

But Hal doesn't follow rules, buddy; he breaks them. Or, perhaps, is simply blithely unaware of them, along with space-owls, highway signs, buttresses, the Twelve Steps and any other thing that might get in his way.

"Guh*hick*reat jzhob, Beasty!", Hal congratulates the kamkazi-bird that just an hour ago attacked him and let him get captured in the first place. To be fair, Hal may not even know that, since he didn't even SEE the owl hit him ...

Which looks like this, in case you've forgotten

...and therefore just assumes that this is some new pet of Kairo's. Named "Beasty". I kind of give up at this point, because the only thing stupider than Hal recognizing the space-owl and treating it as if it were Kairo's familiar pet and calling it by a name he can't possibly have ever heard is ... his doing all that AND GETTING THE BIRD'S NAME WRONG. Ironically, it's the only single word in the entire cartoon that Hal doesn't slur over. Even when doing the impossible, Hal not only does it incorrectly, but painstakingly incorrectly.

Hal rings his way out of prison, Kairo, with his pretty pretty eyelashes, mounts Hal...

Hey, I don't write 'em. I just call 'em as I see 'em.

and, because there is so little time left in the cartoon, Green Lantern does exactly what he should have done in the beginning: he boxing-gloves the entire Freakish Alien Horde into unconsciousness.

Hey! Hal can multi-task!

Wow; just like the "Before" and "After" photos at my 28th birthday party.
Except these guys are still wearing their unitards.

Green Lantern sends Kairo and Beastly (the owl's name changes every time it's said, by now) back to earth in the experimental space-plane with the other prisoners, while he goes off to kick Sirena's fleet's ass.

Literally.

Note that the ships are yellow. Just like the Freakish Alien Minions. None of which bothers Hal's ring at all. Because while kamikaze space-owl cannons are not too stupid for Filmation, apparently the power ring's traditional weakness to yellow is too stupid. Oh, and the "Chekov's gun" in the opening scene, where Hal didn't take the time to charge his power ring? Nope, that gun never gets fired, and Hal's ring doesn't come even close to running out of power. Why? Because Filmation doesn't follow rules, buddy, they break them.

In last, desperate attempt to save her plan, Sirena orders her armada to "fire their destructo-bombs" (as opposed, one supposes, to their constructo-bombs) at Green Lantern,



which he just sproings right back at them.

I'll say this for Hal: he's a FUN drunk.
Unlike Sinestro (mean drunk), John (sleepy drunk), Guy (lecherous drunk), or Kyle (sloppy drunk).

Her armada defeated, Sirena is sentenced to "a long-term of galactic confinement." Perhaps I'm just misunderstanding the term, but "galactic confinement" doesn't seem particularly onerous. "You may not leave the galaxy!" isn't much of a punishment, even for someone with a fleet of spaceships.

Back on earth, Hal and Kairo have a happy fade-out with Hal telling Kairo he can keep his space-owl pet, "Beastly", which is what they are calling it in the final scene.

You know, the longer you look at that, the creepier it gets.

If you don't believe any of this, watch the cartoon and tell me I'm lying. Meanwhile, Guardians bless writer George Kashdan ...

George. BEFORE martinis.

...for taking the ten minutes it took him to dash this episode on the back of a gin-ringed cocktail napkin before getting up from the breakfast table one morning, probably the same day as he wrote this incomparable classic.

The Eyes of Hal Jordan: The Musical!

Louis Armstrong-Jeepers Creepers-1938

I don't care what the weather man says,
When the weatherman says it's raining,

You'll never hear me complaining,
I'm certain the sun will shine,
I don't care how the weather vane points,
When the weather vane points to gloomy,
It's gotta be sunny to me, when your eyes look into mine;
oh

Jeepers Creepers!
Where'd ya get those peepers?
Jeepers Creepers!

Where'd ya get those eyes?

Gosh all git up! How'd they get so lit up?

Gosh all git up! How'd they get that size?

Golly gee! When you turn those heaters on,

Woe is me! Got to get my cheaters on,

Jeepers Creepers!

Where'd ya get those peepers?

Oh! Those weepers!
How they hypnotize!
Where'd ya get those eyes?