Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Eyes Have It

As I've mentioned before, and more than once, the real reason I pick on Hal Jordan so much is to try to mask and defuse my utter terror

of him.

For Hal Jordan wields the most powerful, the most terrifying weapon in the entire DC Universe:

THE EYES OF HAL JORDAN


The Fourth Wall means nothing to Hal Jordan.

You see, he knows you're watching him.


And, it's okay, because...


because he likes to be watched.


And -- although it's best if you don't think about it -- it works both ways.
Yes. Hal Jordan is watching you, too.

Though he tries to convince you he can't really see you...


When he turns his transquartomuralistic vision on you the reader, it sucks your soul out of your eyes.

Your soul is a mere power battery on which he charges his spent and empty sense of self-worth.


"In brightest day,
in blackest night,
no reader shall escape my sight

let those who worship Marvel's might
beware my eyes,
both left
and right!"

Every year at the annual Klordny party, Hal used to slay the entire Corps with his dead-on impersonation of Tomar-Re.And Hal loves to slay the entire Corps!


"Great Guardians! From either angle..
...I'm just as beautiful!"


In this panel, Hal tries to blame last night's debauchery...

on poor Liberace.


"My GOD, my thumb is beautiful!"

"And to think...
they gave Flash a museum...!"


"Now, Hal, using the doll...
show the court where Flash touched you."


"Highball" Jordan? No, no...

"Eyeball" Jordan.


"Let's see what was it I had to do before leaving town. Oh yes, now I remember..."

"Kill and eat my neighbor, Mr. Johnson!"


"Did you know that my power ring can make you forget anything I do to you, Sally P? Even when it involves energy-construct aardvarks, like it did last week?"


He only makes it look easy. He actually has a daily routine of Extreme Eyercise to keep his peepers perfectly poppable.


Ladies and gentlemen, the Eyes of Hal Jordan!





16 comments:

Baal said...

The picture under the caption 'let those who worship Marvel's might'? Are they doing what I think they're doing?

naladahc said...

And on that note, "transquartomuralistic" becomes my word of the day!

Hell... that one's almost worth the word of the week!

Anonymous said...

They're doing whatever you want them to be doing. I can tell you that the editor initially explained that panel away as Charlie Vicker begging for a ring to avenge his brother, but that's how comics were written back then: the artist and writer would come up with pages and pages of gay porn, and the editor would have to add word balloons that would let it clear the censors.

Sea_of_Green said...

Eye declare! Eye think you're on to something!

Or, the way Gil Kane drew Hal Jordan's eyes just totally creeps you out. ;-)

Eyether way, eye thank you for this post! It gave me a good laugh!

No Brother Eye/I jokes, please! ;-)

Friscovi said...

Oh lord I don't know how you do it but that was the funniest thing I've read all month. You Win!

Anonymous said...

When did they start drawing Hal with the Batman-esque white eyes? I guess they were afraid of a sequel to Seduction of the Innocent.

-Phil

Redforce said...

Shit, now I'M scared of Hal Jordan TOO...

Diamondrock said...

Jesus Christ, Scipio; I think you've scarred me for life with this post. I have no idea how I'm going to get to sleep tonight...

SallyP said...

So...Scipio, my darling, I take it that you TOO bought the new Showcase Green Lantern #3! Scary as heck isn't it? I've never seen so many Green Lantern butts in MY LIFE!

You know I do love Hal, but those are indeed some freakish eyeballs.

Scipio said...

"I don't know how you do it "

"I have no idea how I'm going to get to sleep tonight..."


You just have to...

keep your eyes open, I guess!

Frank Lee Delano said...

I kinda hate Hal Jordan, but I kinda love Gil Kane on Hal Jordan. Wait... is that me-- or the eyes!

Mag said...

Bravo!

Stephen said...

genius

Andrew said...

Superb, as always.

We don't deserve you, Scipio.

Jack Norris said...

That's enough Kane nostrils n' chins to brighten anyone's day.

adam-0oo said...

I think the eyes have it.


Zing!