Thursday, July 02, 2009

Objectifying Hal's Head

I just love the Hal Jordan heroclix figure. Thanks to a wise use of the "special power" mechanic, he slices, he dices, he makes Julienne fries. Best thing? He can take a wallop almost as well as Goofy.

So, in honor of Hal Jordan generally and of his heroclix figure in particular, I've designed some new objects to use when he's in the game.

Objects, by the way, are tokens used in the game to represent, well, objects. There are two basic kinds of objects: light (marked by a yellow border) and heavy (marked by a red border). Three of each are placed on the map at the beginning of each game. Light and heavy, by the way, are relative terms; a gumball machine is a "light" object, for example. That's why only figures with the Superstrength power can pick up regular objects on a heroclix map. A light object adds one to the damage dealt by a character attacking an adjacent foe, and a heavy object adds two. You can also throw them at opponents, which is fun but usually a waste of a good object. Once used in an attack (successfully or not), the object is "destroyed" and removed from the board.

There are also "special objects" (marked by a blue border), each of which has its own special rules. Most of the "official" special objects are tedious techno-crap that must appeal to Marvel Heroclix players: Structural Integrity Field Generators, Kinetic Absorbers and Accelerators, Dynamostats. I know what a gumball machine is; what the hell is a dynamostat?

ever. I'm from DC; where are the objects we need? Giant typewriters. Manhole covers. Stuffed bear heads. You know.... the stuff we actually see in our stories. Not only do we deserve more DCish objects, certain DC characters cry out for peculiar objects of their own. And no character says "peculiar object" more than Hal Jordan & His Amazing Head.

We've already created tokens for two of the greatest object-foes of Hal's head, the Yellow Ceiling Tile and the Heavy Yellow Lamp. But Hal deserves more.

Stalactites (Heavy Object) Face it, a good 17 percent of all the action in DC comics takes place in a cave somewhere. For pity's sake, DC has had spelunkers as cover headliners.

An Oscar (Light object)
Who needs Billy Crystal? Let Hal host the Academy Awards every year and just wait to see who klonks him on the head with Oscar, how, and why. You know you'd watch.
Mjolnir (Heavy object)
Only Superstrength is required to wield it; after all, this is DC, where everyone is worthy.
Underwater-rifle Butt (Light object)
Must be placed initially on water terrain.
The Toy Airplane (Special object)
Hal's head, like any great character, has both range and variety. One of the particular glories of Hal Jordan's head is that it can survive a blow by Thor's hammer, but can still be felled by the likes of a deliciously embarrassing toy airplane. Like Hal's head, the Toy Airplane comes with its own special rules!
  • May be wielded by any thematically appropriate villain (such as Toyman, Trickster, or the Joker);
  • may be thrown up to the villain's full range;
  • ignores all powers and abilities of Hal Jordan;
  • clear line of fire to Hal Jordan is not required,
  • does no damage but Incapacitates Hal.

The Space Owl (Special object)
Truly, Hal getting hit in the head by the Space Owl is one of comic book television's 113 Greatest Moments (which also includes the first appearance of Huntress's breasts in live action, the Joker versus Scooby Doo, and Alan Ritchson in wet angry bondage). Some evenings I just curl up on the sofa with my lapdog and my laptop and put the "Magno-beam-guided Space Owl Hits Hal on Head" sequence on infinite loop and nod off to the soothing sound of a space owl hitting Hal's head again and again and again like waves on the shore... . Usually, that's after a finite loop of Alan Ritchson in wet angry bondage, but that's another story. Ahem, anyway, the Space Owl comes with same rules as the Toy Airplane.
"The Sign" (Heavy Object/Special object)
This object can be wielded just like a regular heavy object. But it's more fun to leave it in place because of its special rules: Hal may not destroy "The Sign" with a standard attack, but as long as Hal can make an action and is not within range to attack any opposing figure, Hal must fly headfirst to "The Sign", destroying it, if it is in within range of his speed value. Just have Dr. Polaris or Sinestro park their car within shooting distance of the sign and wait for Hal to show up!
Porcupine Bladders from Space (Light Object)
Um, yeah, those pretty much throw me for a complete loss, too, Hal. But we've got to have them, mostly because I just like saying "porcupine bladders from space".


Anonymous said...

It's symbolic: when it's Hal Jordan vs. literacy, literacy wins every time.

I wonder if, in "Blackest Night", Hal's going to try to beat up Scar's book by flying head-first at it.

TotalToyz said...

Speaking of things that give you a concussion: when will your episode of AGT air?

SallyP said...

I'm SO glad that you decided to include the toy airplane AND the yellow sign.

Now all we need is that errant bar of soap.

Doctor Polaris said...

Oh, I shall park my car near "The Sign." Mark my words, I shall park it.

Redforce said...

Where is the Blowing Newspaper?

Crowded House said...

Well, there's four words I never thought I'd see together.

I mean, come on, "spelunkers as cover headliners"? That has got to be the least likely combination of words I've heard in my life so far. Even if it is true.