Monday, July 20, 2009
Black Hand Week 1
OOOOooo, Black Hand is SO creepy!
But that's a credit to Geoff Johns and what he does best (the reinvention and revitalization of characters). Since most of you have probably never read a Black Hand story before his recent reappearance, you may not realize what a staggeringly impressive accomplishment this is.
Why? Well, it's one thing to make Hal Jordan cool again. Okay... cool for the first time. Hal was never cool. Hal was always a moron. But he did have a rockhard Ryan Reynolds body, a hotshot job as a pilot, and a nearly omnipotent power ring that could do or make anything his tiny little mind could come up with. Even young Scipio liked Hal "Rockhead" Jordan. I can remember being a lad and pretending to be Green Lantern in my little green Garanimals suit, pretending the swing set was a rocket ship. My parents put a stop to that after the third trip to Children's Hospital to patch up the head injuries.
But Black Hand...?
Black Hand was a total goober.
His shtick was perfecting the art of crime. He was the Crook Who Couldn't Fail. Why?
Because he wrote down everything he learned in a little notebook. I bet you think I'm making that up. I'm not... .
One wonders how many mistakes and trips up the river Black Hand had to take before he filled his Criminal Trapper Keeper with enough hard-won info to dodge the bulls. I'm guessing he's at least a ninety-seven time loser.
Hey, Black Hand, newsflash: real supervillains don't use Cliff Notes. Real supervillains commit crimes that spell out their names or form some kind of a pattern on a map of the city. Real supervillains have cars with their faces on them and thematic weaponry. Real supervillains rob trains on the fly using nothing but a paper clip, stolen chopsticks, and some Teaberry gum. You're a squinty-eyed, Gil-Kane-uglified accountant with a terrible barber. You're just a supervillain manque, a poseur, and a total tool.
So, what's with the "penny saved" nonsense? Where did he get that pointless costume?
Why is he going on about his family? And who on Earth-1 is he talking to...?
You'll soon find out, in part 2 of Black Hand Week!