Tuesday, October 14, 2008

If This Week Had Been a Comic Book

Here's what would have happened.

  • Aquaman saved a manatee but using his aquatic telepathy to guide it to safety in a few opening panels, but afterward was immediately called away to deal with a shadowy undersea conspiracy, the introduction of a new magical threat to Atlantis, and rumblings of a political uprising against his throne, none of which were resolved before the end of the issue, which Dan Didio then announced was the last one in the series.
  • When his spaceship was struck by a ring from outer space, Richard Garriott was transformed into a Red Lantern all of whose constructs are first-person shooters designed by a large anonymous on-line gaming community.
  • A set of live-action films about the candidates in DCU Decisions was released, which, although thoroughly ignored by actual movie-goers, received lots of attention from great metropolitan newspapers.
  • ViewTube started showing full episodes of the '60s cult classic, Space Cabbie.
  • While the Justice Society stormed Vandal Savage's stronghold to halt his plot to crash the American economy as part of a scheme of world domination, Bruce Wayne had Alfred activate the "Save the World Economy" contingency plan, which involved Lucius Fox writing a check to stabilize the stock market, shore up the world banking system, and continue R&D on Spawndex, the material from which Batman's cape is made.
  • Green Lantern's attempt to halt forest fires result in the destruction of seveal small towns, but do expose a hidden facility by an alien race never before mentioned in any issue, while Flash puts out the fires in one or two panels.
  • Kate Spencer would -- somehow -- be involved in the defense -- or prosecution -- of a prominent Senator, which would bring here into contact with the Freedom Fighters, first in conflict then in cooperation, and would be saved by a giant-sized Uncle Sam from an attacking mecha sent by the Senator's secret backers, Intergang. No trial memos would be involved.
  • Media watchers would reassert to no one in particular that television series are still alive and kicking, despite the growing trend of more and more people to wait the DVD Collection.


SallyP said...

Space Cabbie OUGHT to be a sixties cult show. I'm feeling nostalgic already.

It was nice of Hal and Wally to fight the fires in California. In addition to battling the flames, the onlookers were given the opportunity to ogle his magnificent buttocks, which was indeed a treat.

Scipio said...

Particularly when lit from below.

Guys' Guy said...

Here here!

Tony said...

Uncle Sam fighting a mecha is a million dollar idea!

Wait, this is comics. But it's at least a multi-thousand-dollar idea!

Anonymous said...

I can hear Uncle Sam's speach now, about elected officials needing to constantly earn the trust of the constituancy, about how every citizen needs to protect the land they live on, about how Alaska is a treasure to the country, and about how he's sick of corrupt senators and their giant mechas.

Anonymous said...

* In a startling turn of events, Daily Planet columnist Cat Grant would have won the Nobel Prize in Gossipmongering.

* As usual, the Gotham Knights would fail to secure the pennant, making an even century since their last World Series. "The Curse of Arkham" would be blamed by the fans.

* In a crossover plot, the new Firestorm and Hawkman would put aside their out-of-the-blue suspicions of one another (after Geoff Johns introduced the idea that Hawkman thought Jason Ruch was a supervillain mole because of the latter's association with Gehenna) to prevent a vigilante squad made up of the original Black Spider, the Electrocutioner, and Atlas from killing legions of former supervillain henchpeople.

They would then immediately start arguing again about whether Zandia fell under HIVE control because the superheroes were too busy worrying about Qurac getting nuked. And as usual, everyone else would assume that Hawkgirl knew nothing about any of it even though she's about as experienced as Jason Rusch.

* Despite his unpopularity, the current DCU President (a member of Lex Luthor's Tomorrow Party) would insist on the Wayne bailout money being handed over with no strings attached to his Treasury Secretary, one "W. Jilbur Jolfingham." Meanwhile, T.O. Morrow, Colonel Future, the Calculator, and the Headmaster Mind would make the rounds of talk shows all claiming to have foreseen the crisis while conveniently ignoring the fact that they'd cheered on Vandal Savage's crimes in the recent past.

* Black Canary would continue to be bitter that she lost a revote on JLA chairmanship, resulting in the Hawkman/Firestorm runoff that prompted the crossover noted above. To make herself feel better, she'd beat up random members of the 100 while complaining to Ollie.

Anonymous said...

* Oh, yes, and Hawkgirl's credibility woudl continue to be damaged by video clips circulating on the Unternet of Harley Quinn's ongoing impersonation of her, which even the superheroes aren't terribly interested in stopping on the grounds that Harley isn't actually using the imposture to commit crimes.

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