Thursday, November 15, 2007

Things That Made Me Happy

... in my comics this week.

  • Dazzler wasn't in any of them!
  • Mary Marvel mouthing off to Darkseid.
  • "Hold for your mother." I love phone operator humor.
  • Finally, a sensible design for Titan's HQ.
  • Well, that is certainly not something I expected Rip Hunter to plan on fixing! I wonder what "the feminist blogger hive-mind" will think of that?
  • She gnawed it with her teeth? Now that's a hobby.
  • "They don't. They just convince themselves they do." Cynical words of wisdom from Donna Troy!
  • Heh; the Joker knows that comedy is all in the timing.
  • "When I get home, I hope I meet the real Aquaman!" Hey, me too!
  • Oh, Earth-15; we hardly knew ye.
  • Wonder Woman's gorilla houseguests.
  • Does women's hair really do that after a shower, or is it just Hawk's?
  • "Who Will Die?" Really, isn't that the plot of every Teen Titans story?
  • I have always loved Lagoon Boy.
  • The Return of Etta Candy.
  • Themyscira's new tenants; yet more proof of Gail Simone's genius.
  • I really liked Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman this week.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dazzler's MySpace Page!

You forgot that Galactus invented MySpace, didn't you?

Whaddayaknow... I feel a mixture of exultation and horror, myself!

Genetotype and Subset
Genetotype 15L is "young blonde babe, neckless", by the way. And 183K in the subtype "anexoric, yet balloon-boobed and bootylicious". Galactus has this stuff down to a science, you know. Next time a dorky guy hits on you at the bars, just look him over cursorily and say, "My analysis indicates that you are Genetotype 27R, Subset 79W, which unfortunately falls well outside my acceptable parameters." Not only does this let him down firmly but gently, it makes him feel better because he realizes you're much dorkier than he is.

Height 152.28.
Jeez, Galactus, she's a person not a piece of PVC. Her height's gonna vary by more than one Betatronic Unit from morning to night everyday. Why, she gets 5 BUs shorter just by turning around so you can see her butt!

Weight 6.146.
Think that includes the rollerskates?

Confrontational Quotient 62.243.
This is one of the two most important indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's the probability that she'll fight the next Marvel hero she meets. Little known Dazzler Fact: Dazzler has the lowest CQ in the Marvel Universe because she's a Mary Sue who instantly impresses and inspires devotion in every better-known character she meets. You may be wondering how Galactus can determine her CQ out to the three decimals. Well, if you bought the Essential Dazzler Volume, you'd know; she encounters 100,000 characters and fights 62,243 of them. Her CQ isn't a probability, it's a tally.

Dysfunction Potential 4.7
This, of course, is the second of the two most imporant indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's her propensitity for soap opera situations, emotional dysfunction, and screaming "Me! Me!"-ism, on a scale of 5.

Transduction Limit and Luminescent Storage Limits, 0.0
Or, as we might call them, "Chance we could make a movie of her" and "Bankable star power".

Adaptability Superior.
That means you can wear blue face paint and a miniature disco ball pendant with almost any outfit.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Go for it!

Is there a lamer catchphrase than "go for it"?
For that matter, has there ever been a less intimidating superhero than Dazzler?

I have nothing against catchphrases per se. In fact, I began this year of blogging with this very subject ("Okay; clear my calendar." ). Beyond that, I spend the better part of July looking for my own signature phrase, before adopting one from Starman as a birthday gift to myself.

Real people do, in fact, have characteristic turns of phrase, and using them is part of what make one person (or character) sound different than another. This is particularly important in a non-aural medium, where we cannot "hear" voices and must rely on their phraseology to identify them. Here's a good example of a story that takes advantage of that "flaw" in the comic book medium.
Clearly, this scene could not work this way on television or radio; you would hear Lois's voice and it would be immediately obvious that it wasn't Perry, so there would be no surprise. In comics, all unseen Lois has to do is "borrow" Perry's typical phraseology and we can't tell the difference between them.

So I'm no foe of catchphrases, and am a big fan of
signature epithets. Particular Aquaman's. You'd be surprised what an impression you can make on people with a hearty and well-timed exclamation of "Great Gastropods!" I'm pretty sure that's what aced my college interview for me.

But, as I mentioned in my original post on this subject., I detest "battlecries", a monstrously unnatural form of catchphrase almost exclusive to Marvel. Oh, DC has an occasional embarrassing anomaly like "Hawk-a-a!" or "Long Live the Legion!" But, on the whole, it's a Marvel thing to shout "It's clobberin' time!" or "Flame on!" or "Avengers assemble!" If you've ever watched Who Wants to Be A Superhero, you know that its most embarrassing moments are when artificial-hipster Stan Lee shouts "Excelsior!" in his heavy nyewyawker accent at the contestants or, even worse, makes them say it, and they all visibly cringe in mortification. Even people bold enough to parade around in spandex and capes unselfconsciously can't bear the dorkiness of Stan's "battlecry".

Dazzler's battlecry is "go for it". I mean, really. Was "hey!" already taken? Worst of all, "go for it" isn't something you say to yourself, it's something you say to other people.

So whenever Dazzler rallies to battle, she sounds like she's auditioning for a Nike commerical or High School Musical IX. Even "Time to shine!" , "It's show time!" , or "Eat light, suckers!" would have served her better.

Really, it's not Dazzler's fault; it's almost as if the Marvel staff went out of their way to make her lame.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Ballad of Dazzler's Butt

(sung to the tune of "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees")

Say, this is cute.
So, what's new with you?

How're the voice lessons going?
Think I should take some, too?
Hey, Van, are you okay?
Because I have enough grief for two
My Dad told me about my Mom;
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Hey, hey, I'm the Dazzler,
And people say I sing off-key.
I don't really care if I bore you;
I bet you really wish you were me.