Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dazzler's MySpace Page!

You forgot that Galactus invented MySpace, didn't you?

Whaddayaknow... I feel a mixture of exultation and horror, myself!

Genetotype and Subset
Genetotype 15L is "young blonde babe, neckless", by the way. And 183K in the subtype "anexoric, yet balloon-boobed and bootylicious". Galactus has this stuff down to a science, you know. Next time a dorky guy hits on you at the bars, just look him over cursorily and say, "My analysis indicates that you are Genetotype 27R, Subset 79W, which unfortunately falls well outside my acceptable parameters." Not only does this let him down firmly but gently, it makes him feel better because he realizes you're much dorkier than he is.

Height 152.28.
Jeez, Galactus, she's a person not a piece of PVC. Her height's gonna vary by more than one Betatronic Unit from morning to night everyday. Why, she gets 5 BUs shorter just by turning around so you can see her butt!

Weight 6.146.
Think that includes the rollerskates?

Confrontational Quotient 62.243.
This is one of the two most important indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's the probability that she'll fight the next Marvel hero she meets. Little known Dazzler Fact: Dazzler has the lowest CQ in the Marvel Universe because she's a Mary Sue who instantly impresses and inspires devotion in every better-known character she meets. You may be wondering how Galactus can determine her CQ out to the three decimals. Well, if you bought the Essential Dazzler Volume, you'd know; she encounters 100,000 characters and fights 62,243 of them. Her CQ isn't a probability, it's a tally.

Dysfunction Potential 4.7
This, of course, is the second of the two most imporant indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's her propensitity for soap opera situations, emotional dysfunction, and screaming "Me! Me!"-ism, on a scale of 5.

Transduction Limit and Luminescent Storage Limits, 0.0
Or, as we might call them, "Chance we could make a movie of her" and "Bankable star power".

Adaptability Superior.
That means you can wear blue face paint and a miniature disco ball pendant with almost any outfit.


The Shadow said...

What does "Subject satisfies pre-programmed requirements to greater degree than any other known entities" mean? Is that Galactus's idea of a pick-up line?

Scipio said...

I don't know whether it works for him, but it works for me...!

Anonymous said...

Would it make you feel better or worse, Scip, to know that within the Marvel Universe, there was a Dazzler movie made? I don't remember the details, but she was outed as a mutant just before the movie came out, and as a result, it bombed.

Scipio said...

That's terrifying.

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute, why is she wearing high heels in the picture? Aren't waffled silver roller skates one of her trademarks?

Scipio said...

Because, believe or not, the wheels are slap-ons that she carries in her purse and attaches to her high heels as needed.

Anonymous said...

High heeled roller skates? I suddenly have a very strong urge to commit suicide.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why I feel the urge to defend poor Alison...I'm an X-Men fan, but she's never been a favorite of mine. Still, if you'd like some insight into her seeming "Mary Sue" status, you might want to check out this edition of "Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed" over at Comics Should Be Good. It seems that Dazzler was created as a cross-promotion with a record company, must like all the toy promotions Marvel was doing at the time. Does that let her off the hook? Not really, but it does make things clearer.

Anonymous said...

Seriously? Cross company promotion? Didn't know there was a hug market for nerds who also discoed when it was cool...

Anonymous said...

It strikes me as odd that Dazzler has no neck when viewed from the front or back, but quite clearly does when viewed from the side.

Scipio said...

"High heeled roller skates? I suddenly have a very strong urge to commit suicide."

If so, high-heeled roller skates are one way of doing it.

JonHendry said...

"Didn't know there was a hug market for nerds who also discoed when it was cool..."

The cross-promo was probably inspired by Olivia Newton-John, and I would think it was an attempt to get girls to read comics. Hey Girls! Roller Disco Comics!

She's the only singer of that era who I can think of that had significant work in other media, including of course a roller disco movie.

Well, there's the Village People. Was there rollerskating in their movie?

Ryan said...

I liked this post so much, I had to dig up my old back issue of this comic. I've forgotten how much hilarity comes from a regular Dazzler comic, let alone one where she fights with Galactus!

Scipio said...

"Well, there's the Village People. Was there rollerskating in their movie?"

The entire opening credits take place over an extended shot of young very hot Steve Guttenberg rollerskating.