Per Degaton Part 4: "A bed?"

As you may recall from the Assigning of the Assignments that Hawkman leapt to the conclusion that Degaton would attack the Mayor of Gotham, and so decided to go protect him.

Perhaps "flitted" to the conclusion would be more apt in Hawkman's case.

Naturally, this is what happens, because Golden Age Hero Hunches are infallible.  

Before Hawkman can help the Mayor, he's got to save some people threatened by with more effects of The Change.

The effects of The Change are...  
haphazard at best.

As predicted, Degaton's Diabolical Forces emerge from the subways we saw them lurking in during Atom's assignment, poised to take over Gotham's civic center.

Secretly, even Per Degaton longs for Kale's approval.

You may be wondering by now: if this is Gotham where's Batman? Well, sweetie, this is Golden Age.  Things don't have to make sense the way you are used to. Also; this ain't Marvel.  There are no other heroes in the world other than ones in the story you're reading. Besides, it's June/July 1947, and I know exactly what Batman is doing: fighting aliens.

I know you THINK all the goofy/crazy stuff didn't happen until the Silver Age.
You're just really really wrong.

Per Degaton's first tactic is to establish a base of operations for himself in an antique shop, because (a) he's knows it will be unaffected by The Change and (b) he's a big old closet queen.

No WONDER he cast Anthony Carrigan.

Aside: It may seem like Degaton's plan is silly and grubby-- robbing insurance companies, lumbering around in tanks, sequestering in antique stores, roughing up mayors. But I remind you it's 1947, and people were quite aware that when painter Adolf Hitler set up to re-make Germany, and then Europe, into his own "artistic vision", that plan seemed silly and grubby, too, and the world paid dearly for not taking it seriously enough soon enough.  

Well, this is the G-D Gotham City and its Mayor is no Neville Chamberlain; he's ready to gun down any costumed psychopath who comes after him, because that's just part of the job.

Oops.

Unfortunately, the Mayor Theodore E. Bare is caught flat-footed by The Change like a cabana cougar with a poolboy.  As much as I love Kale (particularly after his gentlemanly insistence that the Mayor wear a hat outdoors), I confess I'd love to have seen Mayor Ted E. Bare here unblinkingly pump a lead pellet into Kale (or whatever flintlocks fire), because it's Gotham and he was already practicing in case the Gentleman Ghost showed up.  But the Mayor's hesitation lost him the moment and the gun simply disappeared before he could fire off a shot.

Just as in the Atom did, Hawkman streams in the window from the left like sunlight to hit upon the Diabolical Forces threatening someone with Unaffected Weapons.
Who's drawing these? Vermeer?

A fight ensues. Hawkman loses, because KALE.

"WHY does he want to hurt me?"
DUDE, you're the MAYOR OF GOTHAM.  What comic book universe have YOU been living in?!

Kale brings them to Degaton, as if to say, "Remember when a guy four inches shorter than Bruno Mars was kicking your *** and I had to save you? Yeah, well, I just kidnapped the Mayor AND beat up HAWKMAN. Personally, I think I'm the one with the big "D" around here."

"GOOD WORK, KALE."   Gee, thanks, Per. And what were you doing here at the antique shop while I was gone all day? Waxing the what-not shelf?

I appreciate Hawkman's smack talk. "So... you conquered an ANTIQUE SHOP with your army. Oooo, impressive.  Ever consider joining C.A.W.?"  

Degaton is too dull to perceive irony, however, and after quickly abandoning his half-hearted attempt to get the Mayor to sign his Machtergreifung document, he rushes to what he's been dreaming of while polishing the furniture knobs: 

tying Hawkman to a certain bed.

"A bed?"
Even Hawkman, who refuses to wear a shirt, is surprised at this blatant objectification and bondage fetishization, just because he's wearing a leather harness and an animal mask.
"Excuse me, you must have me confused with MY SECRETARY."

Well, now we know what Degaton's been planning all day.  He's delighted at the Mayor's refusal to cooperate, because now he has an opportunity to be a ****, which is truly his only goal in life.

"Ye-heh-hessss. Tie them down SLOWLY. I want to record this for my Onlyminions.com channel; it will get me thousands of followers!"
Is that saliva spewing from Degaton's mouth as he instructs his "boys"  to tie his "friends" to the bed?  I think it is.

If you thought Hawkman didn't get freaky until Hawkgirl came around, you thought wrong.  Flash's assignment was about racing against the clock. Atom's assignment was about roughing up the villain for info.  Hawkman's assignment is about antiques and freaky cryptokinky situations.

OMG, this is literally the crushing canopy-bed from William's Castle's 13 Ghosts (which won't be made for another 13 years) . I can't believe my Illusion-O glasses!

Per Degaton really IS a time-traveller!

I admit this a classier death trap than the last two. But, c'mon, this isn't the first time Hawkman's been tied down to an antique bed with somebody he just met and a limited amount of time to get out of the house.  It's like throwing Br'er Rabbit into the Briar Patch.

"Can you stop making those squealing noises, Mayor? I miss Hawkgirl right now enough as it is."

Having learnt his lesson from previous experiences, Hawkman warns his bed-partner to brace themselves, because he's going to give a final burst: "Hit the ground: this is going to be oomphy!"

But for Hawkman, it was a Tuesday.

Like all good Hawkman adventures, it ends with him breaking a bed.

"I'll untie you later; can't risk any chance of a fight now, you're too precious." Sigh. Why can't ALL men be as romantic as Hawkman?

Sorry, Mayor, this is Gotham. In the time you've been tied up,
Penguin has probably already gotten himself into office via emergency election.

Well, that was ... very Hawkman-y, although not a lot was accomplished other than his limited mission of "protect the Mayor." Maybe tomorrow's assignment will be more action-packed?

Dr. Mid-Nite? Oh, definitely not, then.

Get some for some pulse-pounding paper-citing action tomorrow with Dr. Mid-Nite & The Scientists of the World!

Heroclix Sunday: Porter Pogs

Actor Scott Porter is a faithful fan of Heroclix and has been doing their unboxing videos for years now, and, as a way of honoring him, Wizkids is coming out with a Scott Porter bystander token (basically, a sculpt-less pog that functions as a one-click figure).

Clearly, they wanted to do right by Scott, as his stats and powers are great:

A triple-targeting, incapacitating, sidestepping wildcard with a very helpful special power that can vastly increase his teammate's chances of making a successful attack, for only 20 points! Sure, he can be taken out with one shot, but you are meant to protect him accordingly.

Now, I like Scott Porter, but I like even more all the characters I can re-label this token as.

Such as...

Hawkman's SHADRACH, MISHACH, AND ABEDNEGO

whom, you'll remember, are the bigwigs in the Hawkfoe organization CAW (the Criminal Alliance of the World)

Or the Flash's PATTY SPIVOT

whom you'll remember as the person Barry Allen should have married instead of that hateful witch, Iris.

Or the Atom's HOWARD CRANE

whom I hope you will remember IS NOT WIZARDO.

Or Wonder Woman's BRENDA

who does not have a last name but I called her "Major" because she's a drum major.

Or Aquaman's playful water-sprite QUISP

whom you'll remember Grant Morrison turning into a murderous Fifth Dimensional imp, because Morrison is not at ALL as original as you think he is.

Or deeply unloved Martian Manhunter foe, PROF. ARNOLD HUGO

whom you won't remember at all, because no one does, but who be hilarious when pimp-slapped by J'onn out the game in one swat.

Anyway, as these are cheap and easy to make, I intend to make "Chris Porter" tokens to join the friends and foes of each of the icon heroes for whom I have Heroclix.  Any suggestions as to whom the Porter Pogs could represent in the Green Lantern and Green Arrow mythos are welcome!

Taking Head Week #7: CAW and the Unsatisfying Conclusion

So the Hawks have rescued the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice from obscurity (and CAW) and are heading to return them to the Nine Unknowns, the people irresponsible enough and lazy enough to have lost them two thousand years and never looked for them or made replacements.  Great idea.

"Aren't we tandomly wonderful?!"  

The Hawks are totally That Couple You Hate On Facebook

The hidden sanctuary of the Nine Unknowns, unhidden by the Hawks' portable absorbascon.  

Wow. There actually are nine of them.  That's a level of fidelity I wasn't expecting in a Hawkstory.

First of all, the Hawks are NOT humans.  Second of all they are in mid-air; so they haven't set foot anywhere yet.  Third, what the HECK are you wearing?!  

Why not just take them to the Midway museum? 

They'd be broken within a week.

The Nine Unknowns take the Hawks on a tour of their sanctuary, because, although nameless like EVERYONE else in this story, they are still polite hosts, which is impressive since they haven't had any guests in 50 years.

Hey, that means... someone visited them in 1914. Any guesses?  A young Sonny Blandish?  Arne Saknussen? Vandal Savage? Enemy Ace?  Yeah; probably Enemy Ace.  Hans got around.

The spinning indic-arrow at the left of the machine really makes this panel.  Also, I have zero doubt that there's almost always strange radiation in Hawkgirl's body, just on principle.

The Hawks are so constantly afflicted with tingling sensations for some reason or other, that they don't even think twice about it anymore.  All those special pleasure-enhancing lubricants, no doubt.

Figuring that the radiation was just CAW's way of trying to find the sanctuary, the Nine Unknowns (or at least The One Unknown Who Talks A Lot) turns on the sonic shower and purges the Hawks of the strange radiation.  

It's a lot like the Decontamination Room of Sexiness on Enterprise, isn't it?

It's beneath the GANGES?!  Um, yeah.  No, thanks. NO treasure is worth going into the Ganges River.

As the now radiation-free Hawks return to Midway City, they are tailed by an evil limo.

Why would you need to tag the Hawks with special radiation to track them? Is there anyone easier to spot on earth?!?

And who is IN that evil limo? Why, the leaders of CAW:

Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego.

Uh-oh, they have the power of serialocution. That's dangerous.

That's some multicultural WORLD evil, right there.  A fedora, a fez, AND a turban. I'd be more impressed if I didn't know Jervis Tetch could kill these guys in 60 seconds.

Their back-up plan is a pretty clever fake-out, actually, The REAL target (um, currently) is the portable absorbascon Hawkgirl is carrying, which can tell them anything damn thing the plot requires. 

Which is WAY more useful than a Universal Death Ray, 

by the way.  What are going to do with a ray that kills everybody?  

Is this the point where I mention that the absorbascon SITS IN THE HAWK'S OFFICE at the museum all day and could be stolen easily?  No. No, it is not.

So Manny, Moe, and Jack press the button that should kill the Hawks and...nothing happens. Because of course the Hawks have been purged of the offending radiation.

"Next time, Gadget!"

What an impossibly byzantine plot.  No wonder CAW hasn't taken over the world.  More like the Criminal Alliance of Frustrated Impotence, if you ask me.

I still love CAW, though, because they are true villains and not mere crooks.  Real crooks would just have shot the Hawks during one of their frequent, obvious fly-bys and THEN gone after the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice.  

That's why the Hawks don't live in Gotham.

Talking Head Week #6: CAW Needs YOU!

Talking Head Week #5: One Night in Bangkok

In search of the solar lamp to power the talking head, in flies Hawkgirl to Bangkok (Oriental setting), guided by the Absorbascon (which I imagine now using the voice of Murray Head).

But aren't we all guided by the Absorbascon, in some way...?

Unlike Hawkman, she beats the CAW men to the target.  Why? 

"We'll never make it in time to meet Dad & Daphne at Cafe Nervosa!"

Because pesky golden-skinned natives are slowing down the CAW men, who are oh-so-peeved that their schedules (pronounced in the British manner) are thrown off, because these NATIVES have the nerve to have a different culture with different priorities, such as protecting their territory.  Savages!

"You know, I was SO disappointed we didn't get the Montmarte assignment, 

I hear you can pick up ancient talking bronze heads at the Marche Des Puces for a song!"

"NILES! Will you kindly concentrate? You almost missed one."

Why, it's all Frasier and Niles can do to pick them off with their Wonder Weapons (tm).  How TEDIOUS crime can be.

Meanwhile, Hawkgirl literally drops into the monastery from the sky and says "Give me the Ancient Thingy!" To which the monks reply, not, as one might expect, "YAAH WTF A TALKING BIRDWOMAN WITH BIG EARRINGS!?!?", but rather, "No. Bugger off."  All that meditation makes you a cool customer, you know.

"Pinioned princess"? *snort*!

Note also that the Lamp now has acquired a name: "Deva". It's pretty clear; the writers make this stuff up AS the panels are being drawn, I'm convinced.  Because otherwise they would notice stuff like Punjab not having a name or any clear connection to anything other than his role as Exposition Fairy or the fact that the lamp we've been talking about throughout the story suddenly has a name, while the Taking Head (which really SHOULD have a name) does not.  That's the equivalent of "this is my computer. which I call 'my computer'.  And this is its battery, which I call Miss Sparklejuice."

Speaking of Miss Sparklejuice, can you think of any female hero in comics LESS appropriate to call 'princess' than friggin' Hawkgirl, who wears a caestus and wields a mace?  More like a broad-winged broad, if ya ask me.

So our 'pinioned princess' does the heroic thing to get the Deva Lamp: she lies.

Gotta hand it to the writers, though, for knowing about stupas and Gautama before there was an internet.  Maybe they used the Absorbascon.

"Of course I trust you, Winged Woman. You're white and have the creepy unnatural eyes of an avian predator, much like the T-1000."

Hawkgirl bullshits her way to finding the Monk's Lost Ancient Thingy; she knows where it is because the Absorbascon tells her, not because of the lamp.  She just deceives the superstitious simpleton of a monk. Which is technically much nicer than stealing the damned thing, and legal.

Semi-dickish.  But still legal.

You'd think with a sci-fi device that can tell them where any lost ancient thingy is located, the Halls would be MUCH more famous archaeologists than they are.  I think they just use it to replace all the ancient weaponry they break or upgrade in every story.  Or maybe there's a conspiracy against them lead by Zahi Hawass. Do NOT trust that guy.

Apparently, in Bangkok you'll find a God in every golden cloister.

"Ha, gullible monk, satisfied to tears with your pointless reliquaries, while I hold the power of the sun in my hand! You are MINE, Miss Sparklejuice!"

Meanwhile, Frasier and Niles take a practical (and wholly dickish) approach to Lost Ancient Thingy acquisition:

"Ooo, good POINT, Fraiser!  The Crane Boys will solve this mystery yet!"

Sigh, "This protonic amplifier will blast her out of existence!"  And NOT the Deva Lamp? Or will it just fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces?  Tsk. Boys and their Wonder Weapons!  This is why CAW can't have nice things.

Naturally, since a CAW man just said she can't possibly avoid the protonic amplifier beam, Hawgirl avoids the protonic amplifier beam.  The Absorbascon, apparently, has an anti-CAW-trap app that warns her just in time.  'In - three - hundred - feet, take a - starboard turn."

That's it; from now on my iPhone is now called a 'portable Absorbascon'.  

Much like Google maps, however, information from the portable absobascon takes too long to unscramble.  So Hawkgirl puts on her tricked out caestus.

"Okay, boys; wait'll you feel my pankrationic amplifier!"

The...the Humanliminator? FINE, Hawkwriters, fine. YOU WIN.

Having used her sci-tech caestus to detect the CAW men, Hawkgirl flies straight into a giant now-invisible tree at 60 mph, snaps her neck, and dies, while her uncaring port'absorbascon intones "you made a -wrong - turn back there."

No, not really. That's what SHOULD have happened. Or Hawkgirl should have used the nasty spikes on her science-caestus to pull fatal holes in the CAW men's face. Instead she just tosses Niles around like a ragdoll and whacks his head against a nearby tree at 60mph.  

Niles; less crowing, more shooting.

"Oh! This isn't like Maris's judo class at ALL!"

It bears repeating: Hawkgirl is always a bad-ass and will **** you up.

90% of CAW's budget goes to either R&D or goon elocution classes.

Odd. That Wonder Weapon seems to have had no effect on Hawkgirl at all.  I mean unless it's a Grapevine Gun that makes you do line-dances uncontrollably.  Wave 'em in the air like ya just don't care, 'princess'!

Regardless, it doesn't stop Hawkgirl from zokking Frasier.

ZOK is the sound of Hawkgirl kicking your ass, btw.

Hm. Is there perhaps more to the Grapevine Gun than we realize...? We shall see.