Jeff Lemire, stop wasting my time; if you want me to go to the movies, take me to one.

I have certainly made fun of the Justice Society's Golden Age adventures; they have many features one can deride! But that is not at all my purpose today.

Here we have the first page (not counting the splash page) of a randomly chosen Golden Age JSA story (All-Star Comics #57, 1951, "The Mystery of the Vanishing Detectives").

On this page, we are introduced to four famous detectives (model on fictional detectives from real-world crime novels) as the arrive in Civic City for a convention where they will meet up with their pals, the JSA, who, will present them with a mock mystery to solve (something they have also done at previous meetings) and Wonder Woman prepares them by blindfolding them as the mock crime is about to be acted out on stage in front of the audience. 

That's just the first page.  From which we can already deduce that they will be unraveling this mystery; they will, we can assume, EACH contribute some deductions to the process, so that all appeared learned and able.  We can also deduce that at some point after that, the detectives themselves will vanishing, result in a mystery that the JSA will have to solve. As usual, they will probably each make a unique contribution to searching for the missing detectives.

If we DO take a look at the splash page, 

it becomes clear that the disappearance of the detectiveS is just part of a larger, worldwide scheme being perpetrated by the super-villainous The Key (who you probably thought was just a JLA villain).  

So, that's quite a lot we have learned from the splash page and first page of this JSA story.

Now.

Here's the opening "splash panel" and first page of this month's issue of Justice Society:

"Is this the end?"
Well, it sure doesn't look like the start of much.

Is anyone detective enough to deduce what point I'm trying to make...?

Jive Turkeys of America

I want to talk about how, 

well, how STUPID

the Golden Age Justice Society of America stories were.

Sadly, this is one of the LESS stupid ones. Be glad I didn't pick the one where they fight King Bee.

But, honestly, even READING them is wearying, let alone writing about them.  They are exactly the comics that made people think "comics are stupid and just for kids" because they WERE stupid and just for kids.

I will however share ONE sequence from the JSA story ("Food for Starving Patriots", All-Star Comics #11)  that broke me:

People always wonder why Johnny Thunder was in the JSA, especially when he basically never uses the Thunderbolt, which constitutes his superpower.
Well, his OTHER superpower was being so stupid that he never questioned the insane and/or asinine things the real heroes did, like any sensible character would.

It's not clear where these culinary miracles (which are expanded to regular size with a Special Solutiion) come from. Did Hawkman (an archeologist) invent these shrunken meals himself?! How did he do this? Where did he acquire them and how can he have them in nearly unlimited quantities?  

This certainly seems to imply that he invented and makes them.
Where did he GET the thousands of turkey dinners to begin with?
From Shayera, I assume, slaving away in the Hawk-kitchen, putting little paper crowns on the ankles of each individual roasted turkey.

You are not told.  All you needed to know, apparently, was that he had them, because Our Allies in Europe were starving during the war, and this was the excuse for eight or so sub-stories about each of the JSA members being assigned to deliver them.

Because it's just not a JSA story without ASSIGNMENTS.

And if you are wondering, "Wouldn't eight stories in a row with, essentially, the same plot get rather tedious? ", then, congratulations, you are quite correct. But here's one representative scene from each that are sure to keep you from clamoring for more!

Doc M was the party animal of the original JSA.  He was made for the night.

Yep. This is the story that comes from.

I--I'm sure he means "English P.O.W. Camp". Pretty sure, at least.

I would make fun of Atom for being a Bossy Little Top but...
Bossy Little Tops are hot.

Always one for the personal touch, the Spectre takes the time to drop two Nazis off on Pluto. Just two, though.  Don't want to hog the whole war to yourself, you know.

Johnny puts the "slow" in Czechoslovakia.

Don't you think you might have left that joke for the Sandman, Doc F?

Ah, yes, Wesley Dodds, the mysterious, haunted chemist
and all-around laugh riot.

And, once you have finished your assignment, always remember you have to turn in a written report. Yes, really.

You just know that was all Sec. Woman's idea. She's so persnickety.

JSA #1 (again)

As mad as I was (am) about Geoff Johns' embarrassingly self-indulgent and anticlimactic end to his run on Justice Society of America (really more of a saunter than a run), I am still quite intrigued by the forthcoming "JSA" series by Jeff Lemire (a name I recognize but have no pre-exiting opinions of).  

I know only that he wrote "Sweet Tooth" and saved Green Arrow from Ann Nocenti, so I'm just going to picture him as an adult Golden Age Speedy, since he had to save Ollie.

The Justice LEAGUE is easy to write.

Although writing FOR the Justice League can certainly be a challenge.

All you have to do is put DC's six most iconic heroes (plus one more that DC is trying to pretend is iconic) at a table and boom there's the Justice League. The Justice League has always been about simply seeing DC's biggest heroes interact and work together.

The Justice Society is a more complicated manner.  You have to balance past and present, tradition with modernity, legacy with innovation.  And unlike the JLA, the JSA is not and never has been composed of pre-sold commodities.  It's not a "super-group" of icons, it's an ensemble piece. It's a many-bodied problem, more akin to the Legion of Super-Heroes, where the whole must be greater than the sum of the parts in order to justify its existence.  This is something that Lemire seems to understand, based on a recent interview:

“For me, it was about taking everything I love from past runs — whether it’s Infinity Inc., All-Star Squadron, or Geoff Johns’ era — and making it important again while keeping it accessible and modern,” he explains. The challenge, then, is making the JSA resonate with today’s readers while honoring its long history.

“I stopped thinking of them as superhero team books and started thinking of them more as ensemble dramas,” he explained, focusing on developing characters over time rather than trying to feature everyone in every issue.

"For fans wondering what sets the JSA apart from the Justice League, Lemire offers a clear answer: it’s all about legacy and generational storytelling.

"The JSA is unique in that its members span multiple generations, giving the team a rich sense of history that other superhero groups lack. For Lemire, the heart of the JSA lies in two characters: Jay Garrick and Alan Scott. Jay, the original Flash, serves as the team’s heart, while Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern, acts as its head and leader."

Now, I have read the first issue.  I cannot think of a less interesting threat for the JSA to be dealing with than Kobra;

I still can't believe that trite, pedestrian cult leader Kobra (with his ridiculous twin brother trope) was inspired by DR. EFFING PHIBES, which was Vincent Price at his most batshit, but such is Jack Kirby.

and I can't think of anything more off-the-rack than the children of JSA leader Alan Scott's children, Dark Hard-Nose Obsidian in conflict with Bright Idealistic Jade, over the direction of the JSA;

Do you think DC even remembers Todd is gay?  I remember. Often.

but...

we learn already in the first issue that neither one of the two conflicts that we see are actually TRUE, don't we?  And that the really threat, the real source of both conflict is...

Okay. THAT's a different story.  One I am ready to follow....

GASP!

 Unlike many of our comic book friends, I am not given readily to gasping.

The Battle of the Empty Costumes

But gasp I did upon seeing "THE REVEAL" of who the mysterious "Legionnaire" was in the most recent Justice Society.

Literally the last person you'd expect.
Or is it...?

I assume most of you already know, but Mordu is an evil sorcerer who was introduced by writer Jim Shooter as a foe for the Legion in Adventure Comics #369 (JUN 1968). He is generally considered their most powerful single enemy, because the Time Trapper is too passive-aggressive.

This cover strikes me as odd, since sealing Mordru in an airtight container IS the way to defeat him.
Because magic.  

Mordru's original design was, to put it kindly, of its time.

Although I suppose seeing anyone THAT unconcerned about fashion-norms is going to be pretty disturbing, especially in the 30th century where fashions norms are already quite ... broad.

He had repeated dust-ups with the Legion.  And by dust-up, I mean "and now Mordru has All Teh Magickz in the Universe" or "history has been rewritten and now Mordru is the ruler of the Universe." Mordu is a not a "poison Gotham's reservoir" level villain.

In the 1987, a redesigned Mordru was repurposed as a foe for the Justice Society of America.

Because in the '80s "The Dark Lord" was deemed cooler than "The Merciless".
These things go in cycles.

It's involved, of course, because JSA arcs are involved and Legion arcs are involved and Mordru is a Legion villain.

All I will tell you is: it's completely Jean Loring's fault, which should surprise no one,
because nothing that lives OR HAS EVER LIVED is safe from Jean Loring.

So, on the one hand, the LAST person you would be expect to be a Legionnaire is effing Dark Lord Mordru the Merciless.  Even a mysterious metal-masked Legionnaire in the present.

The Legion has a history surprisingly rich in mysterious masked members, because the Legion is what happens when comics are actually written for kids (or BY them, in Shooter's case).

Especially given that the redacted bio for "The Legionnaire" clearly shows him with a different, non-Mordru-ish haircut.

On the other hand...

OF COURSE it's Mordru.  Even if Geoff Johns isn't writing this storyline, his DNA is all over much of what goes on at DC, especially anything that smacks of repairs to damage that Dan Didio has done to the timeline.

Theory: Dan Didio is the Glorith of our universe. 

And Geoff Johns always relies on making organic connections between characters in unexpected but reactively logical ways.  If you create a "The Legionnaire" character to connect the Legion to the JSA, you make it an already-existing character who already-connects them:

Okay. Fine. YES, Starboy/man would have been a much more obvious choice. But it's been done; it was TOO obvious.

And (setting aside Starboy), MORDRU is the best known character with strong ties to both the JSA and the LSH.  EVIL ties, yes, but strong ones.

And DCU is not averse to using strong evil ties.

Plus, the current arc for the JSA  (as is being made PAINFULLY REPEATEDLY LOUDLY CLEAR) is second chances for the redemption of villains.  And few characters are more irremediably evil than Mordru.  He's got no Arkham-crazy excuses; he's simply a terrible person.

With a terrible hair-care routine.

So redeeming HIM would be the ultimate impressive feat for the JSA.  What I find interesting here is that several Mordru stories in the past have implied that it is POWER that corrupts Mordru and that in the JSA story he mentions "these new powers".  Are we going to watch the battle for Mordru's soul happen right before us...?

Things That Made Me Happy in My Comics This Week: Justice Society of America #6

I read Justice Society #6 this week.  

Apparently in #5, which I read but have already forgotten, the Villain Who Couldn't Be Stopped and Who Kicked All Our Asses Simultaneously was stopped by the Heroes Trying Harder All Together.  But that's how EVERY Geoff John's plot (certainly those with the JSA) ends.  It also ends the other way every (possible) Geoff Johns' story ends:

with Courtney being right.

Because Stargirl shits g-d marble, as we all know. Because it took Stargirl to come up with the radical idea of the JSA taking time-displaced Golden Age side-kicks under their wing. I'm sure that wouldn't have occurred to Mister Terrific, one of the DCU's three smartest humans, without her help.  He was probably on the verge of sending them to Granny Goodness.

But that sort of thing aside, I enjoyed the issue (as follows).

The Stranding of The World's Phinest.

Power Girl's in the mix, too, for different reasons, but I forget whether Johns did that, and, regardless, it didn't happen in the pages of this Justice Society story.

When Geoff Johns wants A Baby, he is (unlike many writers) PERFECTLY capable of throwing out The Bathwater.  And in this case the Baby is Helena Wayne (NOT Bertinelli).  Johns does not shy away from the crux of a character, no matter how stupid or inconvenient it may be, he makes that crux his battle standard.

Geoff Johns knows darned well that the FUNCTION of the Huntress character is to be the daughter of Batman and Catwoman; if she is not THAT, she serves no purpose.  So that's what the Huntress is.  From a future she has now wiped out by her (heroic) actions in the present, and to which, therefore, she cannot return. Fin. 

Sensible Batman.

Johns' Bruce Wayne is sensible, calm, and supportive.  Because of course he is. Batman is a Golden Age hero, after all, although we forget to think of him that way.

He's going to help this Helena lady, who is not his child at all (even though her father WAS Bruce Wayne), because it's the right thing to do.  In a way that doesn't smother her and keeps her out of his hair, but, jeez, one unsolicited offspring whose creation he wasn't involved in is MORE than enough.  Amusingly, Johns' even has Helena mention the current Batman storyline where he's running around like a basketcase fighting his own family, in stark contrast to His Normal Self we see here.  Johns loves to troll that sort of thing.

Flash back.

GJ has just dumped a passel of Golden Age sidekicks into the present. Obviously lots of their stories will have to do with the difficulties of adjusting or making themselves part of current families and dynasties blah blah. 

But Flash hasn't got time for that nonsense.  Judy Garrick returns and when his dad remembers her, everyone else does, because it's Jay Garrick and that's just how it is.

Fin.

Steel's Ancestry.

You're his great-uncle, numbskull. It's not exactly a "post-War" concept.

This one is interesting to me.  It's unique because it's kind of backwards.  The sidekick isn't getting iconic oomph from a connection to a Golden Age hero; he's GIVING Golden Age oomph to a Modern Hero.  John Henry "Steel" Irons has zero connection to the Golden Age.  His roots go EXACTLY to the Death of Superman story, which Golden Age fan GJ knows is a weak point for any character.  So he's inserting this fellow (he hardly looks as if calling him a "kid" is appropriate) into Steel's PAST as a way of connecting Steel to the Golden Age.  Might as well; no one else has ever been able to figure out what to do with Steel, a literary conundrum that has stumped even the likes of Shaquille O'Neal.

Justifiable Rudeness

There is little I hate more in comics than the Gratuitously Unpleasant Character. Like, well, any character being written by Roy Thomas.  And the last place such a character should be is in the JSA or its derivatives.

One of the many Things Roy Thomas Didn't Understand, since none of his characters can get through two sentences without being ****s.

So obviously "Salem", the stupidly named and snide protégé of the Golden Age Dr. Fate, Kent Nelson, has been my least favorite of the rediscovered sidekicks. At least until GJ explained WHY she is like that.

She's rude in order to keep people at a distance so THEY DON'T DIE BY HER CURSE.  That's some Greek Tragedy stuff, right there.

Simple. Elegant. Rooted in the character's origin.  You don't have to always like WHAT Geoff Johns is doing to appreciate the sheer EFFICIENCY with which he does it.

He COULD have tried to streamline Dr. Fate's history. But he didn't. Because it's messy and that's just now a core part of the character.  

The Red Bee's Legacy

"As insane as it sounds" is Geoff Johns' credo.

Michael.  

M I C H A E L.

GJ knows that Michael, THE ABSURDITY of Michael, is at the crux of the Red Bee. Johns doesn't shy away from that as a stupid embarrassment, he embraces it with the fervor of a post-War lover returning to his beloved.

So Michael, who apparently is not only hyperintelligent BUT AGELESS, is there to greet his sidekick in our time.  Because all you need for the Red Bee is Superior City, a hero in a ridiculous costume (which this girl CERTAINLY qualifies as), and... Michael.

I like to imagine that Michael occasionally does lunch with Detective Chimp and Rex the Wonder Dog.  Very quiet lunches. Until Robbie the Robot Dog shows up.

Per Degaton, Part 7: "We Are Undone!"

 In dystopian 1957, Per Degaton and Kale RULE. Literally.

Not metaphorically. Only Kale rules metaphorically.

But as you can see, there's trouble in dictatorial paradise. The Change is become unchanged, and any MINUTE now that phone could ring to announce the launching of SPUTNIK. Degaton's in deep kimchi, because something must have gone wrong (or, from our perspective, RIGHT) back at the Battle of Arbela in 331 BCE.

Not SULTAN, you hick. Try "Khshayathiya Vazraka," or just "Shah" if you're pressed for time. I mean, I ASSUME you're speaking Ancient Persian that's being translated for the readers' sake, cuz I know Darius didn't speak English.

At first things were going perfectly wrong, with Degaton's Diabolical Forces machine-gunning the Macedonians (who, btw, are already outnumbered five to one). Even Alex The G himself can't rally against that!

Hey, YER MAJESTY, you may wanna ixnay on the emocracies-day, seeing as how you got rid of all that when you subjected Greece to Macedon. Just ask the Thebans! Oh, that's right; you killed them all and burnt the city to the ground.

But then the JSA show up to un-ruin everything!

Assignments. Of course. The JSA is never too disheveled to omit the assignment process.

Sure, Johnny Thunder may be a moron. But he's still a man of his time and knows to SHAVE and fix your BOWTIE before going into battle.

Then comes the moment that nowadays would launch a thousand fanfics.

Naturally, Alex is INSTANTLY SMITTEN by Alan.
Don't weep, Alex; looks like there's a world left to conquer after all!

I give a lot of credit to Golden Age writers, seriously, for knowing that the value of heroes is inspirational.  The JSA don't win the battle simply with superpowers (it's why Jay was de-powered first, you'll notice); their heroism inspires Alexander's troops and THAT is what turns the tide of battle.

I'll concede that Atom's a small target but how it's harder to hit hulking HAWKMAN than a clay pigeon I cannot imagine. The element of surprise is more powerful than Special Metal.

The Macedonian forces win the battle and Alexander summons the JSAers to his tent to thank them properly.

"Oh. Alan. All your friends came, too.  
How... nice."

Here he engraves and signs the shield with his thanks; the very shield they are playing back this entire story on like a DVD thanks to Wonder Woman's magical past-o-meter.

"In fact, I'll keep it under my pillow. Alex.
And think of you every night I look at it."

THEN THEY DISAPPEAR. But you can probably guess why, because you are a modern person who has read time travel stories before.

Explanatory Floating Head of Wonder Woman would be a great meme.

Once they're back, Wonder Woman hits the Google Translate button on her Magic Sphere.

"Are you SURE it didn't say, 'Love, Alex'?"
"Yes, Alan."

So Per Degaton, in classic comic book irony, is back to square one, as a harmless dishwashing lab assistant.

I like to imagine that, à la Pinky & The Brain, this happens every night for Degaton, and that every time we see him is just his next work day, so that from his perspective, even though it's 80 years later, he's still only worked for Professor Zee for a week or so.  That's why he's always the same age.

Which leaves us with the real question: 

WHAT  HAPPENED TO KALE?!?!?!

P.S. Yes, I am aware that there is a SERIOUS CONTINUITY CONTRADICTION between this story and CRITICAL HISTORY OF AN ICONIC DC HERO who does not appear in this story.  I want to assure my readers that not only I am aware of this issue, I will soon bravely tackle it, with a hot take that will split the internet, and possibly the membership of the Classical Association of New England of which I am an alumnus, asunder. Prepare yourselves accordingly.