"SLOW DANCE WITH DEATH" with SPEED SAUNDERS, Ace Investigator

It begins, as it often does, with American eccentric SPEED SAUNDERS reading in his personal library. 

“Let’s see what quandary Slam Bradley has found his way into this month…!”

WHEN SUDDENLY A—

BREAKS OUT.

OH NO, it’s 

• His granddaughter-or-niece-or-something who spells her name wrong & her sweaty husband, the one who smells like Aqua Velva; 
• Speed’s blond contact from Chinatown; 
• the Useful Female Informant he had sex with at 2AM in the plaza during the Adventure in Little Africa; 
• the blue-haired homeless guy he brought in for an all-nighter once when there were no cases to work on; and 
• the guy who inspects his home for compliance with Neighborhood Action Plans!

ONE of them must be The Killer.

Speed gets "in the zone" which is what he call it when he's ace investigating, because he's an American eccentric.

Carter Hall, digger of things.

Sierra Kirk, indiscriminate plaza piece.

Minato Morita, suspiciously helpful, means of income unknown.

Fuifui, supposed homeless person.

Hiro Suzuki, easily bribed N.A.P. inspector.

Shayera Hall, thing who is frequently dug.

The first suspect to be eliminated was Hiro Suzuki, the N.A.P. inspector.

It turned out he wasn’t there for the party. He had simply come to inspect the home, coincidently at the same time.  Oops.

Speed quickly began a stealth interrogation of the remaining guests through charming repartee about their tastes and habits.

Speed: <Discuss Interests>; <Ask: Taste in Food; Taste in Venues>.

“Really, Fuifui? You seem surprisingly FIT for a homeless man who eats only junk food…”

Speeds notices that Fuifui has a Bad Relationship with his Chinatown contact.  How did THAT happen?  Jealousy? Was that the connection?

The Face of Judgement looms AWFULLY close to Fuifui as the others look on with relief.

HIs younger-indeterminate-female-relative and her odd-smelling husband (whom Speed really likes because he’s an expert on ancient foreign objects were the final guests to leave. Meanwhile, Speed made a call, on a hunch.

"Yes, doctor, stand by. Some STOMACH-PUMPING may be required. Hm, what? No, one of the guests brought Fruitcake."

Clearing his head by jumping on a box repeatedly, as is his habit, and, realizing that his theory, no matter how counter-intuitive, MUST be correct…

"I must... LEAP!  To a conclusion."

he put on his skiing outfit and made some wienies to prepare for the final confrontation.

"♬OH... AN... Australian went yodeling, on a mountaintop high…♬"

The Moment of Truth arrived. Hero versus...

Hiro.

“Yes, Mr. Saunders? You wanted to talk about your Neighborhood Action Plan inspection fine?”

“No, Hiro.  Actually, I had simply deduced something. That if YOU weren’t the killer….”

“then I HAD to be.”

-FIN-

"I dunno, Grim, sometimes it's almost as if Reality were like putty in my hands!"

"So, one time I found this kid on a sled... oh, you heard about that?
Oh, ha hah, right, of course you did..."

Talking Head Week #5: One Night in Bangkok

In search of the solar lamp to power the talking head, in flies Hawkgirl to Bangkok (Oriental setting), guided by the Absorbascon (which I imagine now using the voice of Murray Head).

But aren't we all guided by the Absorbascon, in some way...?

Unlike Hawkman, she beats the CAW men to the target.  Why? 

"We'll never make it in time to meet Dad & Daphne at Cafe Nervosa!"

Because pesky golden-skinned natives are slowing down the CAW men, who are oh-so-peeved that their schedules (pronounced in the British manner) are thrown off, because these NATIVES have the nerve to have a different culture with different priorities, such as protecting their territory.  Savages!

"You know, I was SO disappointed we didn't get the Montmarte assignment, 

I hear you can pick up ancient talking bronze heads at the Marche Des Puces for a song!"

"NILES! Will you kindly concentrate? You almost missed one."

Why, it's all Frasier and Niles can do to pick them off with their Wonder Weapons (tm).  How TEDIOUS crime can be.

Meanwhile, Hawkgirl literally drops into the monastery from the sky and says "Give me the Ancient Thingy!" To which the monks reply, not, as one might expect, "YAAH WTF A TALKING BIRDWOMAN WITH BIG EARRINGS!?!?", but rather, "No. Bugger off."  All that meditation makes you a cool customer, you know.

"Pinioned princess"? *snort*!

Note also that the Lamp now has acquired a name: "Deva". It's pretty clear; the writers make this stuff up AS the panels are being drawn, I'm convinced.  Because otherwise they would notice stuff like Punjab not having a name or any clear connection to anything other than his role as Exposition Fairy or the fact that the lamp we've been talking about throughout the story suddenly has a name, while the Taking Head (which really SHOULD have a name) does not.  That's the equivalent of "this is my computer. which I call 'my computer'.  And this is its battery, which I call Miss Sparklejuice."

Speaking of Miss Sparklejuice, can you think of any female hero in comics LESS appropriate to call 'princess' than friggin' Hawkgirl, who wears a caestus and wields a mace?  More like a broad-winged broad, if ya ask me.

So our 'pinioned princess' does the heroic thing to get the Deva Lamp: she lies.

Gotta hand it to the writers, though, for knowing about stupas and Gautama before there was an internet.  Maybe they used the Absorbascon.

"Of course I trust you, Winged Woman. You're white and have the creepy unnatural eyes of an avian predator, much like the T-1000."

Hawkgirl bullshits her way to finding the Monk's Lost Ancient Thingy; she knows where it is because the Absorbascon tells her, not because of the lamp.  She just deceives the superstitious simpleton of a monk. Which is technically much nicer than stealing the damned thing, and legal.

Semi-dickish.  But still legal.

You'd think with a sci-fi device that can tell them where any lost ancient thingy is located, the Halls would be MUCH more famous archaeologists than they are.  I think they just use it to replace all the ancient weaponry they break or upgrade in every story.  Or maybe there's a conspiracy against them lead by Zahi Hawass. Do NOT trust that guy.

Apparently, in Bangkok you'll find a God in every golden cloister.

"Ha, gullible monk, satisfied to tears with your pointless reliquaries, while I hold the power of the sun in my hand! You are MINE, Miss Sparklejuice!"

Meanwhile, Frasier and Niles take a practical (and wholly dickish) approach to Lost Ancient Thingy acquisition:

"Ooo, good POINT, Fraiser!  The Crane Boys will solve this mystery yet!"

Sigh, "This protonic amplifier will blast her out of existence!"  And NOT the Deva Lamp? Or will it just fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces?  Tsk. Boys and their Wonder Weapons!  This is why CAW can't have nice things.

Naturally, since a CAW man just said she can't possibly avoid the protonic amplifier beam, Hawgirl avoids the protonic amplifier beam.  The Absorbascon, apparently, has an anti-CAW-trap app that warns her just in time.  'In - three - hundred - feet, take a - starboard turn."

That's it; from now on my iPhone is now called a 'portable Absorbascon'.  

Much like Google maps, however, information from the portable absobascon takes too long to unscramble.  So Hawkgirl puts on her tricked out caestus.

"Okay, boys; wait'll you feel my pankrationic amplifier!"

The...the Humanliminator? FINE, Hawkwriters, fine. YOU WIN.

Having used her sci-tech caestus to detect the CAW men, Hawkgirl flies straight into a giant now-invisible tree at 60 mph, snaps her neck, and dies, while her uncaring port'absorbascon intones "you made a -wrong - turn back there."

No, not really. That's what SHOULD have happened. Or Hawkgirl should have used the nasty spikes on her science-caestus to pull fatal holes in the CAW men's face. Instead she just tosses Niles around like a ragdoll and whacks his head against a nearby tree at 60mph.  

Niles; less crowing, more shooting.

"Oh! This isn't like Maris's judo class at ALL!"

It bears repeating: Hawkgirl is always a bad-ass and will **** you up.

90% of CAW's budget goes to either R&D or goon elocution classes.

Odd. That Wonder Weapon seems to have had no effect on Hawkgirl at all.  I mean unless it's a Grapevine Gun that makes you do line-dances uncontrollably.  Wave 'em in the air like ya just don't care, 'princess'!

Regardless, it doesn't stop Hawkgirl from zokking Frasier.

ZOK is the sound of Hawkgirl kicking your ass, btw.

Hm. Is there perhaps more to the Grapevine Gun than we realize...? We shall see.