Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Talking Head Week #5: One Night in Bangkok

In search of the solar lamp to power the talking head, in flies Hawkgirl to Bangkok (Oriental setting), guided by the Absorbascon (which I imagine now using the voice of Murray Head).

But aren't we all guided by the Absorbascon, in some way...?

Unlike Hawkman, she beats the CAW men to the target.  Why? 

"We'll never make it in time to meet Dad & Daphne at Cafe Nervosa!"

Because pesky golden-skinned natives are slowing down the CAW men, who are oh-so-peeved that their schedules (pronounced in the British manner) are thrown off, because these NATIVES have the nerve to have a different culture with different priorities, such as protecting their territory.  Savages!

"You know, I was SO disappointed we didn't get the Montmarte assignment, 
I hear you can pick up ancient talking bronze heads at the Marche Des Puces for a song!"

"NILES! Will you kindly concentrate? You almost missed one."

Why, it's all Frasier and Niles can do to pick them off with their Wonder Weapons (tm).  How TEDIOUS crime can be.

Meanwhile, Hawkgirl literally drops into the monastery from the sky and says "Give me the Ancient Thingy!" To which the monks reply, not, as one might expect, "YAAH WTF A TALKING BIRDWOMAN WITH BIG EARRINGS!?!?", but rather, "No. Bugger off."  All that meditation makes you a cool customer, you know.

"Pinioned princess"? *snort*!

Note also that the Lamp now has acquired a name: "Deva". It's pretty clear; the writers make this stuff up AS the panels are being drawn, I'm convinced.  Because otherwise they would notice stuff like Punjab not having a name or any clear connection to anything other than his role as Exposition Fairy or the fact that the lamp we've been talking about throughout the story suddenly has a name, while the Taking Head (which really SHOULD have a name) does not.  That's the equivalent of "this is my computer. which I call 'my computer'.  And this is its battery, which I call Miss Sparklejuice."

Speaking of Miss Sparklejuice, can you think of any female hero in comics LESS appropriate to call 'princess' than friggin' Hawkgirl, who wears a caestus and wields a mace?  More like a broad-winged broad, if ya ask me.

So our 'pinioned princess' does the heroic thing to get the Deva Lamp: she lies.

Gotta hand it to the writers, though, for knowing about stupas and Gautama before there was an internet.  Maybe they used the Absorbascon.

"Of course I trust you, Winged Woman. You're white and have the creepy unnatural eyes of an avian predator, much like the T-1000."

Hawkgirl bullshits her way to finding the Monk's Lost Ancient Thingy; she knows where it is because the Absorbascon tells her, not because of the lamp.  She just deceives the superstitious simpleton of a monk. Which is technically much nicer than stealing the damned thing, and legal.

Semi-dickish.  But still legal.

You'd think with a sci-fi device that can tell them where any lost ancient thingy is located, the Halls would be MUCH more famous archaeologists than they are.  I think they just use it to replace all the ancient weaponry they break or upgrade in every story.  Or maybe there's a conspiracy against them lead by Zahi Hawass. Do NOT trust that guy.

Apparently, in Bangkok you'll find a God in every golden cloister.

"Ha, gullible monk, satisfied to tears with your pointless reliquaries, while I hold the power of the sun in my hand! You are MINE, Miss Sparklejuice!"

Meanwhile, Frasier and Niles take a practical (and wholly dickish) approach to Lost Ancient Thingy acquisition:

"Ooo, good POINT, Fraiser!  The Crane Boys will solve this mystery yet!"

Sigh, "This protonic amplifier will blast her out of existence!"  And NOT the Deva Lamp? Or will it just fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces?  Tsk. Boys and their Wonder Weapons!  This is why CAW can't have nice things.

Naturally, since a CAW man just said she can't possibly avoid the protonic amplifier beam, Hawgirl avoids the protonic amplifier beam.  The Absorbascon, apparently, has an anti-CAW-trap app that warns her just in time.  'In - three - hundred - feet, take a - starboard turn."

That's it; from now on my iPhone is now called a 'portable Absorbascon'.  

Much like Google maps, however, information from the portable absobascon takes too long to unscramble.  So Hawkgirl puts on her tricked out caestus.

"Okay, boys; wait'll you feel my pankrationic amplifier!"

The...the Humanliminator? FINE, Hawkwriters, fine. YOU WIN.

Having used her sci-tech caestus to detect the CAW men, Hawkgirl flies straight into a giant now-invisible tree at 60 mph, snaps her neck, and dies, while her uncaring port'absorbascon intones "you made a -wrong - turn back there."

No, not really. That's what SHOULD have happened. Or Hawkgirl should have used the nasty spikes on her science-caestus to pull fatal holes in the CAW men's face. Instead she just tosses Niles around like a ragdoll and whacks his head against a nearby tree at 60mph.  

Niles; less crowing, more shooting.

"Oh! This isn't like Maris's judo class at ALL!"

It bears repeating: Hawkgirl is always a bad-ass and will **** you up.

90% of CAW's budget goes to either R&D or goon elocution classes.

Odd. That Wonder Weapon seems to have had no effect on Hawkgirl at all.  I mean unless it's a Grapevine Gun that makes you do line-dances uncontrollably.  Wave 'em in the air like ya just don't care, 'princess'!

Regardless, it doesn't stop Hawkgirl from zokking Frasier.

ZOK is the sound of Hawkgirl kicking your ass, btw.

Hm. Is there perhaps more to the Grapevine Gun than we realize...? We shall see.


CobraMisfit said...

Things That Make Me Happy in Today's Post:

1) CAW Agents Frasier and Niles. Which makes sense. After all, they ARE...wait for it....CRANES!

2) So the Wonder Weapons (tm) are too slow for the Hawks, but faster than men with guns? I simply don't understand this technology. Apparently, neither do Frasier and Niles.

3) "Exposition Fairy" is the name of our next quartet....

4) ...or "Miss Sparklejuice".

5) ...or "Semi-Dickish".

6) Wait, so the Monk's Lost Ancient Thingy was, in fact, just shoved in a drawer in the basement? Don't these folks clean up once in a while? Not to mention, they had the Magic Solar Lamp all along, so why couldn't they use it to find the Monk's Lost Ancient Thingy? *tsk*

7) Everyone deserves a portable Absorbascon.

8) Um, if it gave you their location AND their angle of fire, what more information do you need to take on the CAW agents? Or are you miffed that it's MAKING you fight them before letting you decode the Culture Bomb?

9) Portable Absorbacon over Hawkgirl's shattered body: "Recalculating".

10) Hawkgirl is shot with lethal energy and it merely sends "a tingling sensation" through her body. That's hard core. And hot.

I love me some Rebirth, but this, right here, is what made comics great.

Scipio said...

"Exposition Fairy", "Miss Sparklejuice", and "Semi-Dickish" are already Sweet Ads quartets.

Anonymous said...

"Yes, I trust you, braless -- I mean, winged woman!"

We straight guys are super easy to manipulate if you've got the appropriate equipment.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of portable Absorbascons, I'm still very fond of the Informatio-Scope:


Scipio said...

Heh. I'd almost forgotten the Informatio-Scope.

Bryan L said...

Wait. Niles and Fraiser use the protonic amplifier to shoot at Hawkgirl through a TREE? Did the tree offend them in some manner, or are they just taking the opportunity to clear-cut some local flora? And would shooting through the tree reduce the potency of the protonic amplifier? What possible reason could they have to shoot through the tree?

Sorry, I tend to fixate on things. I need an Absorbascon, too.

Scipio said...

Wow...I didn't even notice that.

But I know exactly why that's drawn that way: to demonstrate the disintegrative poweer of the protonic amplifier.

SallyP said...

Not... not Niles!

Steve Mitchell said...

"Or maybe there's a conspiracy against them lead by Zahi Hawass."

Good one! I hate that guy myself. And he's probably hiding Prince Khufu's mummy from the public.

John said...

"But CAW makes no mistakes!" Are they reading the same story we are? Because I'm honestly not convinced they've made anything that wasn't a mistake.

And Joshua, I'm also pretty amazed that the lost ancient thingy was "lost" as in "did you check under the sofa cushions." Speaking of, dibs on whatever's behind the monastery sofa cushions!

But basically, what we've learned from this excursion is that it has everything but Yul Brenner. And that monk needs some mood stabilizers: "Nuh-uh, it's mine! Hey, did I tell you about this other thing we used to own? OK, I trust you with my Thing of Importance! Happy day, pillage our temple as you see fit!"

I do have to question the utility of the Humanliminator, though. Why are their clothes and weapons still visible? Isn't Hawkgirl not human? Why aren't they bumping into things? Why aren't the now-invisible wild jungle animals not mauling what's left of Niles's disfigured remains?

Unknown said...

I find 'Human-Liminator' no less annoying than 'Absorbascon,' myself.

Scipio said...

I guess I'm kind of used to the second one of those by now.

John said...

Wait--Are we saying that a well-armed, head-busting, bra-less female character based on a classical civilization and derived from the All-American stable can't be a princess? Because I can think of a rather prominent counter-example who even spent a few years wearing a bird-head-helmet for no obvious reason...

Scipio said...

But SHE in fact IS a princess.

Hawkgirl is just Lady Cop with wings and much less patience.

Doc said...

... Another version of Hawkgirl you mean?

cybrid said...

"Those natives think we're stepping on sacred soil"

"Yes, but the joke's on them, we're actually intruding on an ancient holy burial ground! How can they be so oblivious to the nuances of faith-based geography?"