Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Haikuesday Rebirth

I love the fact that at DC, everything old is new again. As it is in heaven, so shall it be on earth-prime, so today is the return of an old favorite here at the Absorbascon: Haikuesday.

As we've long since learned, heroes like to show their mettle not just by saving the innocent, protecting society, and stopping evildoers. They like to do those things while spouting haiku.

Why? Because they can.

Or, at least, some of them can. Interstellar dullard Hal Jordan probably couldn't command his ring to compose a haiku for him, and can only understand 575 as the sector where that brick-shaped Green Lantern is stationed or some kind of new plane he's yet to wreck.

By contrast, Barry Allen is an ingenious scientist, the kind who invents revolutionary expandable micro-fiber costumes, casually and off-panel. I mean, even the Spectre had to sew himself a costume.

No wonder these two police officers made such a natural comedic duo in the Silver Age, Barry the brainy, low-key stone-faced straight-man and Hal the brain-dead, accident-prone, eye-rolling slapstick comedian. Barry and Hal are the Tango and Cash of the DCU.

So, while Barry is analyzing the evidence at a murder scene that could threaten all the speedsters of the DCU, Hal is all "hey, let's go to a party tonight and I'll ring up lampshades for everybody!"

Barry puts Hal in his place with a firm haiku, as if to say, "Wally, like you, you moron, is merely a tool in my personal fight against crime. For I am the crimson-hued avenger, I am the lightning bolt that illuminates the dark night of crime, I am the Batman of the Mid-West. Particularly now that I'm driven by my heretofore unmentioned father's false imprisonment for murdering my mother." Not that Hal would notice, of course...

This is Wally's perp.
He'll know how to deal with this
better than I would.

What haiku can you, my brainy, low-key, stone-faced readers, compose to honor Barry's return or condemn Hal's density?


TotalToyz said...

In my war on crime
I am constantly focused
Hal, you are a tool.

Daniel said...

I was supposed to
meet Wally and the others
at home for dinner.


I'm Barry Allen.
I'm the Fastest Man Alive.
That is a Flash Fact.

k26dp said...

I'm working here Hal
Would you mind standing downwind?
You smell like pussy

Unknown said...

Hal, I just wish you
would take your duties a bit
more seriously.

You don't need to be
brainy when you're as hot as
(two thumbs back) this guy.

TotalToyz said...

Stop bothering me
Hal, go hang out with that would-
be Robin Hood guy.

SallyP said...

Oh God, it's true. Hal IS pretty much braindead, and wouldn't know a Haiku from a hole in the ground.

Doctor Polaris said...

Laughable green fool
Head denser than osmium

Anonymous said...

Hey Hal - dead speedster.
Investigation needed.
I'll just grab Wendy's.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

This is funny because I've been doing haiku over at my blog joninterglad.blogspot.com (stop by and leave your request).

The Flash is as smart
As the Green Lantern is dumb
They're the Odd Couple.

Anonymous said...

Lady Flash is dead
Burned alive by the Speed Force
Hal Jordan thinks, "WOULD"

TotalToyz said...

Haiku? Okay. I
Can do this. Um..er..um..how
many syllables again?

rafi-el said...

Gardner Fox, John Broome
And Julie Schwartz editing
They were truly blessed

Word verification "mardenes" -- where Sgt Rock and J'onn J'onzz had a little-known team-up.

Jake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jake said...

I was supposed to
meet Wally and the others
at home for dinner.

The Flash busts out the
haiku so fast you sometimes
don't catch all of them.

Mike Loughlin said...

Central City's streets;
Endless tracts of empty space.
Like your noggin, Hal.

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