Thursday, January 11, 2007

Mensacentric Superinactivity

So many people have been critical of the level of inactivity in Justice League of America since its relaunch. But, after all, Mensacentric Superinactivity is a long-standing tradition in the JLA, and one of the Clues You're In Justice League Story ...

"Fortunately, if I nod off my helm will prevent my head from falling forward."  
"When the movie version of this meeting is made, I want to be played by Linda Hamilton."  
"I bet J'onn could take the form of any calendar babe I wanted."  
"Dishwashing liquid, Captain?"  
"Relax, J'onn; it's Palmolive."  
"The irony: escaped the fire pits, but stuck at this meeting."  
"I would trade the whole lot of you for one athletic boy in green swimming trunks."

"Stupid tech geeks! This isn't AV Club! Get your butts over here before I fry them with heat vision!" 
"Heh. I can see down Wonder Woman's bodice. Heh. Heh heh." 
"Oh, Green Lantern; why won't you notice me?!"

It took Green Lantern and Li'l Aquaman 70 minutes and a bottle of scotch to get that gavel out of where the Atom shoved it; Snapper still has a limp.

"If only we had some photos of other heroes to stare at and discuss; or maybe some exciting UN resolutions."  
"Did I remember to tivo CSI:Gotham?"  
"God, my hands are beautiful!"  
"I bet the Martian Manhunter could take the form of any calendar babe I wanted."  
"By H'ronmeer, Green Arrow's mind is like a sewer!"  
"I'm so glad I built a toilet into this little chair!"  
"Huh; this table has 147 fewer atoms in it than it did at our last meeting..."  
"While I've been in this meeting, an estimated 11 people have been gruesomely murdered in Gotham, no doubt including one of my proteges."  
"Hey, Peter? Wait, let me put you on hold; Topo's calling me on the other aquatelepathic line-- Topo? Yeah, it's okay, it's just Pufferfish, he can wait..."  
"I'd give any one of them my virginity! Especially Green Lantern; gosh, his hands are beautiful!"

"Yes, actually; I suggest you, Clark, and I dismiss the rest of these losers and continue this discussion at my cave. We should take our time, about four issues or so, and go over lots of photographs in the process, as if we were unable to remember who any of our fellow heroes are without pictures to jog our memories. I'm in favor; say 'aye'." 

While the Miss Thing Sisters share their wardrobe worries, Wonder Woman slips deeper into paranoia:
"Who's behind it all? Why aren't female characters immune from danger and suffering? Why does Dan DiDio hate Cassandra so much? Who's killing the great chefs of Europe?"  
"I could be Kid Lantern if he'd only give me a chance!"  
"Spitter? Snippy? Spackler? Julius H. Schwartz, why can't I ever remember this kid's name?"  
"In the time I've sat here listening to this drivel, a rare jewel has been stolen, the reservoir's been poisoned, and a librarian's been shot in the spine."

Aquaman has "an important case" to work on? C'mon, even I don't believe that. Look; even Aquaman doesn't believe it. You can just see the implied thought balloon: 
"Let's see now: sea cow milk; fish eggs; jeez, if I forget anything, Mera'll kill me! Finny friends, come to my shopping aid!"

Sometimes during those slow times, the civicly-minded Wonder Woman leads them all in rousing discussion of international policy, particularly UN directives on NGO-initiated commisZzzzzzzzzzzznn....
"Must-- stifle-- bat-laughter!" 
"I could run over to Zatanna's place, finish, and be back before they notice!" 
"I mean, she's not that pretty. Not as pretty as me, certainly..." 
"HA! I knew I could p*ss on her hand from here! I'm the man! 
 "What do you mean, the sharks are 'busy'? Oh, for Neptune's sake, Minnow, can't you even handle Cutlass Charlie by yourself?! Fine, I'll contact the candiru for you..." 
"Then, after I've killed them all, I'll use my x-ray vision to put my face on every quarter in the nation..." 
"I really need to see a doc about these lesions; darn you, Zatanna!"

I mean, how bad is it when even the Milk & Cookies Club think your comic is boring?
"A quaker meeting?" 
Asked Starman, constipated. 
"Where is the Drama?"

Let's just hope that things in the Justice League of America are finally sparking up a mere six issues later, shall we?


Anonymous said...

Actually, I think sparking up might be the worst possible thing to liven up JLA meetings, as it would render them even more laid back and listless. Unless maybe Roy nagged them all with the shaming fury of a recovered addict. That could be entertaining.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Garling, I salute you!

This is hands down the laugh-out-loud funniest post this blog has ever put forth into this wonderful world.

Seriously, you one-linered me into a painful choking fit. I could have died!

Kudos, sir, kudos.

tavella said...

...dead now from laughter.

Anonymous said...

Wait, are those Guy's boots behind Mr. Miracle in the first picture? Surely he's got something on his mind during the meeting as well.

paperghost said...

"Wait, are those Guy's boots behind Mr. Miracle in the first picture? Surely he's got something on his mind during the meeting as well."

He's off panel, hitting Dan Didio with a big green boxing glove.

Also, multple LOLs galore for this post.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Haw! Green Lantern as Butthead and a whizzing Atom? Genius. My morning is off to a wonderful start! ...Aw, hell. It's all downhill for me from here, isn't it?

Unknown said...

Just for the Capt. Storm love alone, I declare this the Greatest Comics Blog In History.

Anonymous said...

Awesome stuff.

Cutlass Charlie will want to watch himself; the passage in The SAS Survival Handbook entitled, "Beware the Candiru!" chills my blood.

Anonymous said...

Scipio, you wanna tone it down a bit there, buddy? I've got a broken rib and cannot handle this level of awesomeness first thing in the morning. Now I have to go to the nurse.

I guess that's fine, actually.

Siskoid said...

H, you took the words right out of my mouth.

SallyP said...

So...I wandered into over to my computer, armed with a nice steaming cup of Earl Grey and as usual, was perusing your blog...when disaster occured. My sinuses may never recover, and you probalby owe a new keyboard.

Anonymous said...

That Flash is an insensitive bastard!!! What about Zatanna's needs? Finish before anyone notices, indeed! Wonder Woman, Zatanna and Black Canary should have a meeting and discuss the sexism of the JLA, preferably in tub of hot oil. Or chocolate.

Anonymous said...

Why is Batman smiling so much? Man, that's just creepy.

Anonymous said...

Since it's a Justice League post:


Dave Ziegler said...

This is the funniest thing I've seen in days. Days, I tell you! 147 fewer atoms? Brilliant!

God, I envy your brilliance...

Anonymous said...

Scipio, you're trying to kill us all with bat laughter and we love it!

You are awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

But what are Starman, Dr. Mid-Nite and Hawkman thinking in the next to last panel?

Scipio said...

Well, I did put what Starman is thinking (since he thinks in haiku), and Dr. Mid-Nite and Hawkman think pretty much whatever Starman tells them to.

Anonymous said...

This post rocked. Haven't laughed that much in awhile; thank ya, Scip!

rachelle said...

Amazing post. I laughed my ass off. And this really put the current JLA run (which is finally picking up) into perspective.

Anonymous said...

DAMN is this funny. Still wiping the tears off my face.

Scipio said...

You're welcome. The JLA pretty much write themselves... .

Anonymous said...

All of the above.

Stinking brilliant.

joncormier said...

And yet these all seem much more informative and relevant than the staff meetings I'm forced to attend each Monday morning. At least they all sit around in tights.

David said...

I am sooooo glad I had swallowed before reading this post.

Blockade Boy is right: today really will be all downhill from here...

Anonymous said...

Forget voting for recent comic book quotes. Put up a poll of these lines!

Anonymous said...

It's funny because it's true!

Anonymous said...

I'm reading a blog about comic books about eternally-youthful perfectly-physiqued persons who habitually wear next-to-no clothing, and now there's a complaint about there being too much sexual content. Because you see, the sexual humor gets in the way of the humor. Yow! My irony meter is pegging out ... TAKE COVER, this one's going to explode just like the last ones all did!

Scipio said...

I prefer to think of it as "ribaldry" rather than "lewdness"; for true lewdness do a blogger search for "power girl" and you'll find bloggers being "actually lewd".

My personal standard is, as long as I'm cleaner than Aeschylus, I'm okay.

Elias said...

This is the your best post ever.
I'm a crazed Cass Cain fan, yet I laughed.

Anonymous said...

All right! I can't wait to read Scip's take on a superhero Oresteia!

Though frankly, I'm an Aristophanes man myself.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gawd.

You, sir, are a genius.

Thank you for the most hilarity I've experienced in days.

Scipio said...

Actually, I misspoke; I of course meant Aristophanes not Aeschylus.

But now, thanks to you, I'm thinking about a superhero Oresteia...

Anonymous said...

Holy cow, that's funny!

Great stuff. :)