Forgotten Archie Characters: Pearl

 

Well.

I see why SHE didn't show up in CW's "Riverdale".

Doll Man: Blowing Up The Help.

Ladies and gentlemen, Martha Roberts (from Doll Man Quarterly #3):

Martha stops off at an orphanage to pick up some fresh orphans for her activities.

Darrell "Doll Man" Dane:
"Orphans? How tedious. Are they contagious?"

Martha is a trustee. 

Darrell: "I'll remain here, plucking my eyebrows, lest I catch any orphanic diseases.  Is orphanism contagious?  No self-respecting hero should be an orphan."

Martha, as an absentee trustee, is shocked to find:

Martha: "Don't mind me, MISSUS Noble, I'm just accentuating my free-flowing bachelorette tresses in contrast to your de-sexualized butch cut."

that there are orphans at the orphanage.

"O-o-o-ORphans?!"
Yes, there are orphans at the orphanage of which you are a trustee, Martha. I'd hate to see your reaction to Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Mercifully, I'm skipping most of the scenes of fifth columnist midgets disguised as orphan boys.

Pictured: Comforting o-o-o-orphans.

Blow up the help? No wonder she's upset; good help is hard to find.

Martha was a pioneer in Rule 34.

#snowwhitefanfic

Just in case you are wondering what Darrell "Doll Man' Dane is doing during all this.

Getting his *** kicked by a Nazi dwarf, named "The Dwarf", who is the master of the midget fifth columnists, because of course he is.

Doll Man saves Martha (and the factory), as you would expect.  The midgets survive, but the dwarf succumbs to comic book irony.

There is a lot to deride in Doll Man stories, but Doll Man creator Will Eisner was a master of innovative panel layout.

The Impossible Inventions, Part 3

Even though helicoptering model buildings safely to the ground is thirsty work, there's no rest for the Martian, as Detective John Johns returns to his busy job of wandering the streets aimlessly amidst the flocks of Apexians, hoping to randomly run into his target, Willy Ward. 

Which, of course, is exactly what happens.

I find Willy Ward tedious, but I am VERY eager to know just WHAT is going on with that unfortunately  mis-inked blonde and her purple-suited beau.  She looks about as interested in him as I am in Willy Ward, but seems entranced by John Jones's giant-jawed juiciness.  I feel that there is a rich tapestry of intertwining stories going on in the background in Apex City, if only they would ignore the Martian Manhunter.

Why Willy doesn't just, you know, stay inside I do not know. I can only assume he must be a native Apexian, and therefore the innate drive to FLOCK with others of his kind is some sort of biological imperative.  

Anyway, so, John, whom Willy probably doesn't even recognize, just sidles up to Ward and slaps the cuffs on him and calls it a day.

PSYCH!

No, clearly that isn't what John does because that's not nearly convoluted enough. He has to change back into his "Martian guise", because I guess you need 47 Martian powers to capture an escaped convict. Thank Phobos J'onn's not human because if he were, he'd be TERRIBLE at his job.  

But there is a waiting challenge for even his Martian guise: 

FLOATING PINK TELEVISIONS MADE OF BUBBLE-GUM

Gee, I wonder who's behind those.

One of the things I like about the original Martian Manhunter is that, unlike other heroes of the era, he actively and overtly DISLIKES some people.  He is unburdened with human nicities.

"You again!" shouts J'onn, not remembering that Horner has not seen him in his Martian guise before, only in his human one.  Fortunately, Hiram is no better a detective than J'onn and doesn't make the deduction that this is same cop who took his hand-held molecular explosion ray-gun from him.

The receptors are in the air, over Apex City. OF COURSE they burst into flame. I have to admire the infinitely renewable childlike wonder of the citizens of Apex, who are ALWAYS shocked when these things happen, even though these things happen EVERY DAY.

Naturally, these flying flaming inflatable pillows incapacitate J'onn, who, if he had simply remained in his Earth guise could have taken out his service revolver and SHOT WILLY IN THE LEG.

Doesn't take a lot of strength to pull a trigger. Just sayin'.

Look, I'm no fan of Hiram, either, J'onn, but don't blame HIM for YOUR obsession with doing everything in the Most Martian Way Possible. If you had your gun, there wouldn't be any problem.

BUT WAIT. J'onn DOES have a gun; CHEKOV'S GUN, in fact.

THE MOLECULAR EXPLOSION RAY-GUN!

Wow, that... makes sense. I'm not sure I've ever seen a Martian Manhunter story DO that before.  I'm impressed. Or at least VERY surprised.

Pretty sure just aiming the MOLECULAR EXPLOSION RAY-GUN at him would have resulted in his surrender with no need for fisticuffs, J'onn.  For someone so reluctant to shoot people in the leg, you are unnaturally violent.

J'onn makes up some BS story to cover his not-currently-gigantic ass as he confronts obvious on-going threat to public safety, Hiram Horner.

But Hiram's optimism is indefatigable:

Psst, Hiram; the Chamber of Commerce's Vigilante Committee is on the phone for you...!

<comedy trombone sound and... fade>

The Impossible Inventions, Part 2

When last we left Apex City, Detective John Jones had just confiscated wealthy wannabe inventor Hiram Horner's paint spray gun cum hand-held molecular explosion ray, while assuming that meant the city was safe for a while.

Does J'onn sweat? Or is it just "John" who sweats? It really doesn't pay to think too hard about the Martian Manhunter.

And technically he is correct; the city IS safe for a while: less than 24 hours. Because the next day...

The VERY next day, in fact.

Why, it's Hiram Horner, armed with another hand-held device.  Perhaps it's an automatic cheese-slicer that, when it malfunctions, becomes an inter-dimensional reality-slicer, opening up rifts allowing the invasion of unimaginable horrors from a hell-dimension.  That would be par for the course in an MM story.  Eh; it can't be THAT bad.  The exploding statues were certainly scary for those flocking nearby but it's not like Hiram's little FUBARs are going to affect a wide area.

OH, NO--!

What th--?! "Remote-controlled airborne building transporter"? What is THAT supposed to mean?

How? Just..., just how?

Boy, I bet Buckminster Fuller wishes he'd thought of THAT.  Look, I know that some of Apex City's "skyscrapers" are oddly small, but (as Buckminster Fuller said), "have you ever really considered how much your buildings actually WEIGH?"  Hiram, at least, should know because (one presumes) he must OWN that building and have calculated the amount of thrust required to make it fly through the air.  I can also tell you there is NO WAY Horner has a permit to fly a building downtown, so he is in BIG trouble with the newly-founded FAA.

To say nothing of the WITHERING review that Dominic Magenta, unveiling critic for the Daily Clarion, has ALREADY begun to pen in his mind.

Messy logistics and legalities aside, Horner has an AMAZING and potentially very profitable invention on his hands. As long as nothing goes wrong.

I'd be coughing, too, if I smoked that much.

Oh, it's a "model" building! Well, that's... different? No, I have no idea what that means, other than implying there's no one inside it and that it was constructed solely for the purpose of Horner's demonstration.  It might mean it's just some hollow mock-up and so weighs less than a regular  building, but then it wouldn't really be much of a demonstration, now, would it? "Watch me lift this enormous barbell, made of paper maché" isn't much of a sideshow attraction.

Well, clearly MM has to do SOMETHING because, as usual, hordes of Apexians are flocking right below, gawking, because that's just what they do. And who can blame them? You'd probably gawk if you saw a floating building, too.

So, J'onn says that there is only ONE way to solve the situation. Is it:

a. Using his ultra-powerful Martian breath to blow the building out of the way?

b. Using super-speed to push the flock of Apexians out of the way?

c. Using Martian-vision to vaporize the model building into unthreatening dust? 

or

d. Spinning?

LET'S FIND OUT!

Dude, if passing cops can SEE Mr. Moth inside the mothcopter atop a skyscraper, then they can definitely see you atop an airborne building.

What the heck is J'ONN going to do up there?

I... what?

Is firm-rooftop-anchoring a previously unmentioned Martian power?  Whatever, J'onn; just do whatever you want because we know where "propeller blades" is headed:

SPINNING.

I REALLY want to see an animated version of this. Does he keep spinning his top half in one direction while his bottom half remains motionless and if so HOW CREEPY IS THAT?

J'onn's done some ridiculous stunts, like allowing cars to drive over his giganticized butt in the absence of a bridge, but this one is uniquely improbable.  

Naturally, realizing that Hiram Honer is a thousand times more threatening to public safety than escaped convict Willy Ward, J'onn J'onzz the Martian Manhunter, in his earth guise as Detective John Jones, arrests the hapless inventor, who then languishes in jail for the rest of his natural life.

Or he lightly scolds him as Horner is distracted by J'onn's ridiculous stunt. 

I guess the one thing J'onn can be grateful for is that none of Horner's exploding/falling fiascos are on fire!

Tomorrow: Hiram Horner instigates multiple exploding falling fiascos on fire.

The Impossible Inventions! Part 1

Apex City must be a fun and exciting place to live. For as long as one lives, that is.

Vague but catchy title? A flocking mass of faceless citizens? An improbably large object plummeting from the sky to endanger them?  The Martian Manhunter confused about which of his countless powers to use to fix the situation?

Welcome to Apex City (again)!

You know right from the start that is Martian Manhunter story (from Detective Comics # 279) is going to be a doozy.  Apex City is certainly well known for its falling objects but... entire buildings?!  Well done, Hiram Horner, Inventor Extraordinary!

We begin at Apex City Police Headquarters, where corpulent Captain Harding addresses the Martian Manhunter with some gravity.  It's Captain Harding, so it's quite a LOT of gravity, if ya know what I mean.

"How come?"  
It's just... not something you expect the Martian Manhunter to say.
"How come you sound like an eleven-year-old, J'onn?"

Mysterious! Does Captain Harding's wife suspect he's having an affair with J'onn?  

Because nothing arouses suspicion less than a public announcement in a newspaper of a Top-Secret Mission.

You know, Captain Harding's first name has never been revealed, but Apex City has a strong tradition of alliterative names like "Willy Ward", so I'm going to guest it's something like "Horace". It's all much easier for Stan Lee to remember that way.

Willy Ward is, of course, not the focus on the story, but just a plot device to force the Martian Manhunter, who at this point in his career was publicly known to the citizens of Apex, to HIDE himself and any use of his powers. Because that's the REAL challenge for omni-powerful super-beings in the Silver Age; not Doing Something but Doing Something WITHOUT people knowing you did it.  

Fortunately, you can always rely on your gay co-workers to keep your secret, as long as you let them watch you undress in the storeroom.

But that challenge doesn't phase J'onn, since that's literally just what he's been doing for most of his time on Earth. Not phasing; I mean doing his Martian Manhunter schtick without revealing himself.

And when something is a snap for J'onn,
it is often quite literally a snap for J'onn.

So, "John Jones" goes about his regular routine of walking around aimlessly with nothing to do until the opportunity to catch a criminal presents itself. What could possibly go wrong?

Hiram Horner, that's what.

John happens upon a flock of citizens doing what Apexians do best: flocking.  Which provides deranged one-percenter Hiram Horner a chance to demonstrate his self-driving cybertruck, er, I mean, his "molecular light-beam painter".

In case you are not familiar with the semiotics of comic books, I am here to tell you that whenever you see someone who looks like this

about to fire a hand-held device, nothing good is about to happen.

Sure enough, Hiram's demonstration of PAINTING A STATUE goes wrong. Horribly wrong.

Sit for a moment and consider all the things you might say if you suddenly realized that statues were blowing up in front of you and it was your fault. I'll wager "Mercy!" isn't among them, unless you're Lex Luthor.

Thus, J'onn is presented with the challenge of using his many Martian powers without anyone noticing him.

Personally, I would have just shot Hiram in the leg with my service revolver, but then, I don't have Martian powers.

It seems clear that Hiram's wealth is inherited. He's upset that he's failed to perfect a fancy spray-painter rather than being elated that he's invented a hand-held MOLECULAR EXPLOSION RAY, for which DoD (or Rainbow Man or Crazy Quilt or the Rainbow Raider) would pay PLENTY for. Dr. Doog would be green with envy and if he weren't you could PAINT him green, then watch him EXPLODE at the molecular level.

How does the Martian Manhunter solve this problem?

a.  blowing the statues away with his Martian breath, which we know has the strength to lift an armored car?

b. using superspeed and invulnerability to catch or interrupt the flying shrapnel?

c. knocking a tree atop the statues to absorb the brunt of the molecular explosions? or

d. spinning?

If you are a true Martian Manhunter fan, you know that the answer must be "d. spinning" since the first principle of Martian power use is "All problems that can be solved by spinning must be solved by spinning." Thus:

Waiting for J'onn J'onzz to get a grip can be a LONG wait.

At you amateurs who are saying "BUT HE'S GOT INTANGIBILITY!", I shake my head sadly.  If he's intangible he can't GET A GOOD GRIP on the block of statues. Silly humans.  This is why you don't deserve Martian powers, you would have no understanding of how to use them. You wouldn't be able to topple water towers by snapping your fingers, or gather gold from sea-water with your mind, or to recreate the atom particles of an ice cream cone by summoning all the powers from the void of space.  

For example, you probably think MM is about to invisibly LIFT the statue away from the flocking Apexians. Nope; invisible or not, that would still give away his activity. Instead...

WHUMP.  Now you know what a statue falling into a hole in the ground sounds like.

The Silver Age gets a bad rap, art-wise, but MM stories often have these great Renaissance art moments with numerous people having different reactions in different directions to various activities.

It's a pity Boticelli never got to illustrate a Martian Manhunter story.

Having hidden the presence of the Martian Manhunter effectively during his save, John Jones politely and apologetically takes custody of the hand-held Molecular Explosion Ray from self-excusing one-percenter science hack Hiram Horner.

Yes, well, the difference, Hiram, is that when EDISON killed, he did it INTENTIONALLY.

It's sad, really.  I mean, when I think of hours of my life I myself have wasted painting statues by hand...!

Fortunately, it's not as if even the most ambitious mad scientist can develop MULTIPLE hand-held weapons of mass destruction at the same time, so Apex City should be safe from Hiram Horner for now.

Tomorrow: Hiram Horner threatens hundreds with aerial doom the very next day.

Doll Man Moment: Proto-Pym

 Remember, long, LONG, before Hank Pym 

slapped anybody...

there was Doll Man.