The Impossible Inventions! Part 1

Apex City must be a fun and exciting place to live. For as long as one lives, that is.

Vague but catchy title? A flocking mass of faceless citizens? An improbably large object plummeting from the sky to endanger them?  The Martian Manhunter confused about which of his countless powers to use to fix the situation?

Welcome to Apex City (again)!

You know right from the start that is Martian Manhunter story (from Detective Comics # 279) is going to be a doozy.  Apex City is certainly well known for its falling objects but... entire buildings?!  Well done, Hiram Horner, Inventor Extraordinary!

We begin at Apex City Police Headquarters, where corpulent Captain Harding addresses the Martian Manhunter with some gravity.  It's Captain Harding, so it's quite a LOT of gravity, if ya know what I mean.

"How come?"  
It's just... not something you expect the Martian Manhunter to say.
"How come you sound like an eleven-year-old, J'onn?"

Mysterious! Does Captain Harding's wife suspect he's having an affair with J'onn?  

Because nothing arouses suspicion less than a public announcement in a newspaper of a Top-Secret Mission.

You know, Captain Harding's first name has never been revealed, but Apex City has a strong tradition of alliterative names like "Willy Ward", so I'm going to guest it's something like "Horace". It's all much easier for Stan Lee to remember that way.

Willy Ward is, of course, not the focus on the story, but just a plot device to force the Martian Manhunter, who at this point in his career was publicly known to the citizens of Apex, to HIDE himself and any use of his powers. Because that's the REAL challenge for omni-powerful super-beings in the Silver Age; not Doing Something but Doing Something WITHOUT people knowing you did it.  

Fortunately, you can always rely on your gay co-workers to keep your secret, as long as you let them watch you undress in the storeroom.

But that challenge doesn't phase J'onn, since that's literally just what he's been doing for most of his time on Earth. Not phasing; I mean doing his Martian Manhunter schtick without revealing himself.

And when something is a snap for J'onn,
it is often quite literally a snap for J'onn.

So, "John Jones" goes about his regular routine of walking around aimlessly with nothing to do until the opportunity to catch a criminal presents itself. What could possibly go wrong?

Hiram Horner, that's what.

John happens upon a flock of citizens doing what Apexians do best: flocking.  Which provides deranged one-percenter Hiram Horner a chance to demonstrate his self-driving cybertruck, er, I mean, his "molecular light-beam painter".

In case you are not familiar with the semiotics of comic books, I am here to tell you that whenever you see someone who looks like this

about to fire a hand-held device, nothing good is about to happen.

Sure enough, Hiram's demonstration of PAINTING A STATUE goes wrong. Horribly wrong.

Sit for a moment and consider all the things you might say if you suddenly realized that statues were blowing up in front of you and it was your fault. I'll wager "Mercy!" isn't among them, unless you're Lex Luthor.

Thus, J'onn is presented with the challenge of using his many Martian powers without anyone noticing him.

Personally, I would have just shot Hiram in the leg with my service revolver, but then, I don't have Martian powers.

It seems clear that Hiram's wealth is inherited. He's upset that he's failed to perfect a fancy spray-painter rather than being elated that he's invented a hand-held MOLECULAR EXPLOSION RAY, for which DoD (or Rainbow Man or Crazy Quilt or the Rainbow Raider) would pay PLENTY for. Dr. Doog would be green with envy and if he weren't you could PAINT him green, then watch him EXPLODE at the molecular level.

How does the Martian Manhunter solve this problem?

a.  blowing the statues away with his Martian breath, which we know has the strength to lift an armored car?

b. using superspeed and invulnerability to catch or interrupt the flying shrapnel?

c. knocking a tree atop the statues to absorb the brunt of the molecular explosions? or

d. spinning?

If you are a true Martian Manhunter fan, you know that the answer must be "d. spinning" since the first principle of Martian power use is "All problems that can be solved by spinning must be solved by spinning." Thus:

Waiting for J'onn J'onzz to get a grip can be a LONG wait.

At you amateurs who are saying "BUT HE'S GOT INTANGIBILITY!", I shake my head sadly.  If he's intangible he can't GET A GOOD GRIP on the block of statues. Silly humans.  This is why you don't deserve Martian powers, you would have no understanding of how to use them. You wouldn't be able to topple water towers by snapping your fingers, or gather gold from sea-water with your mind, or to recreate the atom particles of an ice cream cone by summoning all the powers from the void of space.  

For example, you probably think MM is about to invisibly LIFT the statue away from the flocking Apexians. Nope; invisible or not, that would still give away his activity. Instead...

WHUMP.  Now you know what a statue falling into a hole in the ground sounds like.

The Silver Age gets a bad rap, art-wise, but MM stories often have these great Renaissance art moments with numerous people having different reactions in different directions to various activities.

It's a pity Boticelli never got to illustrate a Martian Manhunter story.

Having hidden the presence of the Martian Manhunter effectively during his save, John Jones politely and apologetically takes custody of the hand-held Molecular Explosion Ray from self-excusing one-percenter science hack Hiram Horner.

Yes, well, the difference, Hiram, is that when EDISON killed, he did it INTENTIONALLY.

It's sad, really.  I mean, when I think of hours of my life I myself have wasted painting statues by hand...!

Fortunately, it's not as if even the most ambitious mad scientist can develop MULTIPLE hand-held weapons of mass destruction at the same time, so Apex City should be safe from Hiram Horner for now.

Tomorrow: Hiram Horner threatens hundreds with aerial doom the very next day.