Speed Saunders' Mammoth Mystery: YOU LIE!

In today's episode of "Speed Saunders' Mammoth Mystery", Speed endears himself to the circus folk, including ELKINS THE ANIMAL MAN. 

Honestly, I think if Buddy Baker wore that outfit, he'd be a much more popular character.  

Somehow, the denizens of the carnival don't even know that Bushland Bill, their coworker, is dead.  They... don't notice he's missing, for some reason?

The only thing Speed enjoys more than looking at corpses is telling people that other people are dead.

Not wishing to tip his hand too soon,  Speed deftly covers his misstep with a clever deception!

"Oh, um, he--he's in jail!" Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Yeah, lady, if you LOVE HIM so much, how-come you haven't noticed he disappeared 12 miles ago? For that matter, if the circus folk don't know Bill's dead, who reported the murder to the authorities? Did a cop just find Bushland Bill's corspe on the side of the road, with a giant tusk sticking out of it?  This is why Speed Saunders stories move so fast, so that you never have time to ask yourself such questions.

Luckily, Speed is a master of subtle deception, so I'm sure NO ONE will suspect Speed is shoveling them elephant poop.

Speed Saunders has met his match, and it's a KAREN.

BWAHAHAHA, nice one, Speed. In fairness, thought, what are the odds that a Famous Explorer wouldn't know how to drive? Exactly zero; that makes no sense at all. But the story is moving too fast for you to notice the absurdities whizzing past the window as it drives full-Speed to its conclusion.

"Oh-it's horrible!" explains Rosita.  But..  what is "it", Rosita? Are we supposed to infer that Speed informed you that Bill is dead between panels?  Who is "them", Speed? Why can't you tell her NOW?  What force is holding up her skirt?  One of the ironies of ace-investigating is that, sadly, it CREATES more mysteries than it solves.

Are you sure that's not just a statue of Bushland Bill, lit dramatically from behind, Speed?

I am sure that Speed's balloon in that panel is supposed to be a thought balloon, rather than a speech balloon.  Because taken at face value, Speed is just shouting all that at a random guy he bumps into, who is completing ignoring him.  I rather like this adventure, which seems to take place in a bizarro-world, where no one recognizes Speed, or they pretend not to see him, or they call him a liar to his face.

Crinoline. I think that's what's holding the skirt up.

So Speed spies Rosita Who Wants To Talk With Your Manager talking to Joe, The Dead Man's Double.  This circus must have quite the sideshow.  

In fact, Joe is the Circus Strongman, and Speed suspects that Rosita had Joe, who may have the requisite strength, impale Bushland Bill with a mammoth tusk (for no known motive).

I dare you to explain the presence of the word "funny" in that speech.

Tomorrow the action revs up when Joe tails Speed menacingly....

Speed Saunders' Mammoth Mystery

"Mammoth" the NOUN, not the adjective.  It's actually pretty minor, as mysteries go.

 Like all great epics, this story begins in mediās rēs; like most Speed Saunders stories, this story begins with Speed doing something ridiculous. Specifically, staring with mystification at a hollow mammoth tusk.

Maybe it's actually a cornucopia on a diet, Speed.

Speed manhandles the tusk, which was the weapon in the death of "Bushland Bill" Mercer, The Explorer.  "I'd like to see the corpse!" Speed demands.

Officer: "Do you hope to spot a clue we missed?"
Speed: "No, I just REALLY like looking at corpses. A lot."

The victim was circus folk, but for some reason the police are investigating the murder anyway.  Must be a slow week in Saunders City.  So Speed examines the body in gory detail.

How about PETA? Madness gives you strength, you know.

So Speed goes to "overtake" the circus with the Strongman already a likely suspect.

"I will simply write down my intention to do so on this paper, which will cause it to happen straightway. Always works for me!"

The next panel (and day), we find Speed a dozen miles away (having borrowed some workwear from his cousin, the farmer Perseverance Saunders) applying for work as a roustabout for the circus, because just solving murders using his infinite power as an Ace Investigator can get a little boring after a while.

I am now really curious to know what FAILING to wash an elephant looks like.

Fortunately, Speed, among his other talents, is an expert pachydermic masseur. He probably learned it while infiltrating PETA in a previous adventure.

If you are wondering why the elephant is wearing a blanket monogrammed with "J", it is unexplained in the story, but I assume the creature's name is "Jumbo".

We will learn the results of Speed's mammoth massage tomorrow, but in the meantime, I urge you to consider why this monstrous figure is not IMMEDIATELY the main suspect:

You KNOW he committed war crimes in Pepperland.

Detective #31

You all know Detective #31, even if you aren't aware of it.  It's the issue where Batman fights the Monk, and it's chockfull of famous panels.

Sleepwalking Julie Madison, with groping action!

Batman's Uber side-hustle

Batman's Ledge-Wedge Fetish

Bruce's Teeny Tiny Pipe

Hungary: Land of History and Werewolves

Bruce's Plaid Nip-huggers

The first appearance of the batarang and bat-gyro

Gothamites heavily inked with panic

The first (?) Batman two-parter

Batman versus a Giant Gorilla

The Bat Flatuence Pose

We have all seen these 100 times.  But you know what's in there you HAVEN'T seen 100 times or even ONCE?

No elephants will be harm in the forthcoming retelling of this tale.

Lord Dornee

 There's an aristocratic air about the Justice League of America, or, at least, its original members.  Batman is a born aristocrat, Wonder Woman is in fact a princess, and Aquaman the king of the sea.  Despite a humble upbringing Superman is certainly heroic royalty.

As he occasionally subtley reminds people.

Green Lantern and Flash are much more down-to-earth types, but as the heads of their own dynasties (the Corps and the Speedsters, respectively), they certainly take precedence among their own peerages. 

I'm ignoring the Martian Manhunter. He's simply WEIRD. Like David S. Pumpkins, he's his own thing.

So, it might surprise you to learn something about the JLA's first non-original member, Green Arrow.

And I cannot stress "non-original" enough, here.

Ollie "Green Arrow" Queen is royalty.  Literally.

World's Finest #46 (June 1950).

That story title actually UNDERsells it.  He is not just a noble; he's a PEER. Oliver is a Scottish EARL. He wouldn't be called "Sir"; that's for lowlier types, like Knights.  He is literally "Oliver, Lord Dornee."  

"M'Lord / Your Lordship", if you're nasty.

Let's find out why.

At this point, the Ace Archers have moved out of their downtown penthouse into a nondescript suburban mansion, probably so's Ollie can use the Arrowcar's catapult more freely, 'cuz he LOVES that catapult.

Their new suburban digs are pretty low security, because during their absence Herr Falkenstein just walked in started playing the bagpipes for god knows how long and for ZERO REASON WHATEVER, other than "well, that's what Scottish people DO, after all."

"I've crossed the ocean coz I wa'na' cerrrtain ye knew how to use the tellyphone. bein' a Queen, 'n' all..  Not known for their hereditary brains, y'know."

Mister MacExposition, by the way, gets no name and is never seen again. He is there, in person, in the house, SOLEY to give Ollie an excuse to use the catapult.  I mean, it's not like Ollie and Roy could just come in the back door, now is it?

Golden Age storytelling being as efficient as it is, Ollie's in "Lochmeed", Scotland, in the very next panel, where we learn an important commonality that the Scottish have with us.

Like us Americans, they ALSO hate Ollie Queen.

Just FYI, there is no real-world "Lochmeed" or Earldom of Dornee, although it's probably patterned after the real-word earldom of "Dundee".  I almost wished they'd used Dundee, which would mean that Ollie's middle name would certainly be "Scrymgeour-Wedderburn" and I can think of no character who deserves that fate more.

That's actually a pretty witty comment, especially coming from Green Arrow.

Ollie, in his guise as Green Arrow, immediately tries to settle an ancient feud with the rival MacBride clan with (what else?) an archery contest.

Even for a Green Arrow story, I find this incident surpassingly stupid.

Having quelled an ancient rivalry that's been burning for centuries in only four panels, Ollie settles in to doing his best "King Ralph" imitation as an American goober who suddenly inherits a title.

Shut up, Ollie. As previously established, you already live in a goddam mansion big enough to hide the Arrowcar, which has its own zip code (or would, if zip codes existed at the time).

In fact, Ollie makes himself at home right away.

Oliver, Lord Dorky.

Oliver makes a highly unwarranted deduction.

Not about a lurker in the armor. I mean, that this is a job for Green Arrow.  This is a job for an actual detective.  

To wit:

"How DID Green Arrow die?"
"He was parboiled while climbing the walls of his own castle."
"Yeah; that sounds about right."

I guess we now know why Ollie likes to use the catapult so much. The bad guys should have hired Bull's-Eye; HE would have had the foresight to have a bag of rocks on hand. Anyway, once inside, even though Ollie notices he can't hear the clanking running of the suits or armor anymore, he fails to make any useful deduction from this... like the fact that they have stopped moving.

Ollie is SO bad at detective work, you can get the drop on him while wearing a suit of armor.

Since offing Green Arrow isn't really high on anyone's list of potential accomplishments, they just weight him down and dump him in a trash hole.

I would comment how surprisingly frequently people try to drown Green Arrow... but it's not really all that surprising.

Ollie, who at this point has not yet invented the Huffer, er, I mean, Aqua-Lung Arrow, saves himself with a discarded bagpipe, because, if there is anything the Golden Age teaches us, it is that thematic situations and deathtraps demand thematic solutions.

And the lesson here (which Ollie surely will not learn)?
ALWAYS WAIT FOR ROY.

QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM.

Obviously, we are supposed to think that the armored assailant has been a secretly still aggrieved MacBride, but in reality ...

The Butler did it.

It makes less sense than a Scooby-Doo episode, but since Ollie's out of panels the story's got to wrap up so he can get back to Star City (which surely is falling apart without him).  Ollie gives the castle away so that the writers can forget all about it going forward and...

it turns out Ollie was BSing his deduction that the butler did it and the butler was the only possible suspect all along.  Ladies and gentlemen: Oliver, Lord Dornee!

JSA #1 (again)

As mad as I was (am) about Geoff Johns' embarrassingly self-indulgent and anticlimactic end to his run on Justice Society of America (really more of a saunter than a run), I am still quite intrigued by the forthcoming "JSA" series by Jeff Lemire (a name I recognize but have no pre-exiting opinions of).  

I know only that he wrote "Sweet Tooth" and saved Green Arrow from Ann Nocenti, so I'm just going to picture him as an adult Golden Age Speedy, since he had to save Ollie.

The Justice LEAGUE is easy to write.

Although writing FOR the Justice League can certainly be a challenge.

All you have to do is put DC's six most iconic heroes (plus one more that DC is trying to pretend is iconic) at a table and boom there's the Justice League. The Justice League has always been about simply seeing DC's biggest heroes interact and work together.

The Justice Society is a more complicated manner.  You have to balance past and present, tradition with modernity, legacy with innovation.  And unlike the JLA, the JSA is not and never has been composed of pre-sold commodities.  It's not a "super-group" of icons, it's an ensemble piece. It's a many-bodied problem, more akin to the Legion of Super-Heroes, where the whole must be greater than the sum of the parts in order to justify its existence.  This is something that Lemire seems to understand, based on a recent interview:

“For me, it was about taking everything I love from past runs — whether it’s Infinity Inc., All-Star Squadron, or Geoff Johns’ era — and making it important again while keeping it accessible and modern,” he explains. The challenge, then, is making the JSA resonate with today’s readers while honoring its long history.

“I stopped thinking of them as superhero team books and started thinking of them more as ensemble dramas,” he explained, focusing on developing characters over time rather than trying to feature everyone in every issue.

"For fans wondering what sets the JSA apart from the Justice League, Lemire offers a clear answer: it’s all about legacy and generational storytelling.

"The JSA is unique in that its members span multiple generations, giving the team a rich sense of history that other superhero groups lack. For Lemire, the heart of the JSA lies in two characters: Jay Garrick and Alan Scott. Jay, the original Flash, serves as the team’s heart, while Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern, acts as its head and leader."

Now, I have read the first issue.  I cannot think of a less interesting threat for the JSA to be dealing with than Kobra;

I still can't believe that trite, pedestrian cult leader Kobra (with his ridiculous twin brother trope) was inspired by DR. EFFING PHIBES, which was Vincent Price at his most batshit, but such is Jack Kirby.

and I can't think of anything more off-the-rack than the children of JSA leader Alan Scott's children, Dark Hard-Nose Obsidian in conflict with Bright Idealistic Jade, over the direction of the JSA;

Do you think DC even remembers Todd is gay?  I remember. Often.

but...

we learn already in the first issue that neither one of the two conflicts that we see are actually TRUE, don't we?  And that the really threat, the real source of both conflict is...

Okay. THAT's a different story.  One I am ready to follow....