Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Green Arrow vs. The Pirates, #4: "Aren't You Green Arrow?"


DAMNATION! Okay, fine, let's follow this through, starting with Ollie's dignity-free ass-up crawl into the Bananaboat with the assist of an unrelated pre-teen.

Lucky. Again.

So, it becomes clearer to me as I read this...  

We all know that Robin is the Boy Hostage and Aqualad is Panicky Pal. But Flapjack Red-Hat, here? He's the Competent Sidekick to the Incompetent Hero.  He's Ape to George of the Jungle, Otto to the Time Squad, Penny to Inspector Gadget, Arthur to The Tick.  Red-Hat to Green Arrow.

The nice touch is: unlike his counterparts in incompetence, Green Arrow seems to be aware of the situation.



Knowing it is the first step, Ollie.

"Aw, Ollie! I want to be THERE to see you screw up!"
"No, chum. I'm obviously about to blunder stupidly into a trap, so you need to stay here to rescue me when the time comes. Don't worry, it won't be long."


So, Ollie starts catapulting/ziplining between derelict wrecks along the waterfront, much like his love life, I'm sure.


"Strange. There's no sign of the derelict ship among all these derelict ships.
How DOES Batman do it?!"


Practicing for "Dark Knight Returns"


Didy'ever think about just setting the ships on fire one by one?
Be doing the Harbor Patrol a solid.


It's what we ALL hope for, Ollie; not to see or hear you.

As Ollie arrow-pitons his way up the Black Raider, whom does he happen upon? Pouty Pegboy, of course.


Cuz their chains didn't fit you?


"NYAH! HELP, PIRATES, KILL ME NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

Astonishingly, the pirates spot the stage-whispering adult socialite dressed as Peter Pan before he spots them, because Green Arrow.


I think you can probably take your time with that, then.

BUT Golden Age Green Arrow spins around catlike just in time to disarm the scoundrels with his trusty bow, and, pinioning them all in the deck with arrows, exacts their swift surrender after a few nipple-twisters for good measure.


Or not.

BWAHAHAHA! Of course that's not what happens; this is GREEN ARROW. He immediately gets his ass kicked, and, seeing as how he didn't stay sunk the last time they threw him overboard, the Black Raider's crew give 'im a pair of cement galoshes; you know, like pirates do. List "cement" among the 1001 Ways To Defeat Green Arrow.

By the way, even quick-drying cement takes a socially-awkward while to set, so you have to wonder at what point Ollie finally decided it was time to say:


Adam West, eat yer heart out.

Thus died Green Arrow. End of story. Again. Check that insurance policy, Flapjack! Live-in partners always get something!

6 comments:

Bryan L said...

Y'know, the arrow-piton thing is really kind of clever, except for the fact that stabbing arrows into the hull of the ship is going to be pretty noisy. So it's no wonder evil Popeye caught Ollie. I find it curious that a wooden schooner has bags of cement aboard. Perhaps they were installing a fireplace?

John C said...

Gasp! A hero can't just phlogiston his way through the Star City Maritime Museum of Defunct Light Frigates! The tourism money only just barely covers the insurance premiums as it is, without adding arson to their nightly gala schedule. Plus, he'd probably just Wile E. Coyote his way into trapping himself in a ring of burning derelict pirate ships, and that's a Saturday activity.

Speaking of ancient relics, how long has Johnny Jimmy Jakey Joshie Joe been in that...is it a payroll office? Because the chair and desk kind of look like it. Anyway, his piratin' onesie has faded from its original emerald green, his chains are no longer longer than his arm-span (still too long, though), and he seems to be radioactive, too!

And...yeah, some quick research suggests that a bucket of Quikrete is going to take a couple of hours to set enough to work around, and about a day to dry, so I have to imagine that Ollie was just standing there workshopping his stand-up routine until they all went to sleep. I mean, there's even that old saying, that "concrete with a pastry bag aimed at it never dries." Wait, please tell me that Kilgore is going to put little floral accents on the cement shoes! Because that would cover at least part of the bill, right?

cybrid said...

I'm not sure I "get" why you're avoiding using Speedy's name. Oh well.

John C: "some quick research suggests that a bucket of Quikrete is going to take a couple of hours to set enough to work around, and about a day to dry"

Additional research shows that ancient sailing ships aren't equipped with torpedoes. Further research would probably indicate that Green Arrow's arrows defy the laws of physics on a regular basis. So what? :-)

John C said...

So what? So what? The image of Kilgore, Paul Benedict, Bald-Waldo, and Green Arrow just uncomfortably staring at each other for twelve hours while one of them struggles to think of something clever to say is the kind of comic book action I live for!

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Dick McGee said...

Good as Red-Hat is, I feel like the absolute tops for Hypercompetent Sidekick to Incompetent hero has got to be Avenger and Bird-Man. Seriously, he bets the villain single-handed in almost half the cartoons, and saves Bird-Man from certain death in all but a handful.