Dignity...

...was the hallmark of Golden Age Aquaman.

Bull's-Eye versus Green Arrow!

You know who doesn't get enough disrespect?

Yup: Green Arrow.

It's not his fault, really.  Entire interstellar empires could devote the sum of their cultural output to disrespecting Green Arrow, and it would still fall short of what he deserves. And he already has a show on the CW Network, which is pretty much the maximum amount of disrespect our own planet can generate.

But still I feel I should do my share.  I'll take another shot at Green Arrow; I may miss the mark. Or I just may hit the

BULL'S-EYE!

For those of you who don't already know, the Golden Age Green Arrow's arch-enemy was...

a circus clown. 

Leapo.  His "real" name was "Leapo the Clown".  But his nom du crime was "Bull's Eye" (a pointed thematic taunt at Green Arrow). He was an acrobat, which allowed him to do the one thing that most Green Arrow foes never thought to do: duck.

As legendary as Green Arrow's suck level is, that of his villains is even greater.  I mean, how pathetic is it when your archenemy is a freaking clown?!

Um.  No offense intended.

Pretty much the only thing that could make Green Arrow a more obvious lame Batman rip-off than he naturally is would be to give him a pale (if you'll pardon the phrase) imitation of the Joker.  So the Golden Age writers clearly wanted to make sure you got the point and created Bull's-Eye.

Green Arrow and young Speedy are the target for mocking laughter and bitter scorn!  And THEN Bull's-Eye shows up!

"Green Arrow will crawl in some corner and wish he were dead...just like everyone else does!" 

How does one take Green Arrow DOWN a peg or two? Short of having the Red Bee kick his ass?

"Action in the offing!"  How many days a week do you think Roy gets the crap beat out of him at school? I'm guessing at least two. And that's just from the girls.

I assume that Roy and Ollie just sit there at all times staring out the window, lest they miss the 5 seconds that rocket appears in the sky.

Hey, Bull's-Eye.  Next time the Famed Bowmen stupidly launch themselves at you via catapult, just hold out your fist.  Or better yet, an old boxing glove arrow, and watch them smash their stupid faces into it.  Now THAT would be comic book irony.

Unfortunately, this story takes place a year before the boxing glove arrow is invented, so rather than going for comic book irony, Bull's-Eye beats the crap out of GA and that kid in red with the usual clown weapons: a jack in the box, an exploding cigar, a balloon filled with tear gas.  But my favorite part is where he says, "Screw it, you two aren't worth wasting good schtick-weapons on," and just throws some rocks at them.

Rocky Grimes, eat yer heart out.

Add "stones" to the list of "1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow."

Anyway, thanks to a tip from Bull's-Eye as to his next crime (because god forbid Green Arrow should figure anything out for himself), Ollie and Roy go to a ritzy nightclub where they receive all the respect they deserve:

"Ringside table, Green Arrow?"

"No, thanks; I'll sit at the side-table. I shouldn't wish to attract attention."

Um, yeah.  Some snooty maitre d' just took Green Arrow's toys and banished him to the Kid's Table.  Exactly like at the Justice League Thanksgiving dinners.  I'd almost feel sorry for Ollie, if he weren't Green Arrow.

Bull's-Eye shows up and switches out GA's arrows for ones that backfire, in an obvious rip-off of the famous "Joker's utility belt" story.  

Okay, sure, I know: "the Joker's Utility Belt" was published five years after this Bull's-Eye story.  But you know damn well the Joker was already planning it at this point.

Hey, Green Arrow. Next time, try walking your ass six feet and just punching the guys who're holding up the tables Bull's-Eye is climbing.  You won't even need a boxing glove arrow, which is fortunate, since you haven't invented it yet.

In fact, GA doesn't wait until next time. Somehow it finally occurs to him, "My archenemy is poised on a high unstable jenga tower ...on a planet with GRAVITY!"  

My hero.  

Pity they don't show Bull's-Eye body weight shattering GA's collarbone when he lands on him.

It all ends when the bowmen start shooting meat forks and butcher knifes.   Yes, really.

Three weeks.  It took them three weeks to get all the blood stains cleaned up.  And they used Bon Ami.

I kind of wish they'd just run with this, with Bull's-Eye having driven Ollie mad, and Green Arrow would have become a murderous lunatic, shooting meat forks and butcher knives at Star City jaywalkers and people who step on the grass, like a Punisher for Scofflaws.  You know, a DC comic that Marvel fans could enjoy.

MUST...NOT...COMMENT...!

There are few times when I do not trust myself to make commentary on comic book panels, no matter what they may contain, because in my readings I have seen all sorts of things.


However, THIS....

... is definitely one of those times.

Yep; not going to touch that one with a ten-foot pole. But you're welcome to take a crack...

My impressions of "Man of Steel"

Metropolis must be really, really big. Because they have LOTS of buildings to spare.

Okay, fine, there's a "Jenny" but no one actually says her last name, so all you fanboys can just chill out.

This is going to sound like no matter how I put it but: Russell Crowe makes a great artificial intelligence.

Can Hollywood not find an actual WOMAN to play Lois Lane, rather than these snub-nosed little girls?  Their last two LLs didn't seem as though they could intimate a copy boy, let alone high-ranking military and politicians.  Superman is finally portrayed as appropriately powerful; I wish Lois had been, too.

That said, good on the writers for letting Lo-Lo be a smart enough reporter to figure out who Superman was before she even met him.  THAT was what made Lois impressive.

I must confess, I believe that if someone saves your life at the risk of their own, you should probably go to a basketball game with them if they ask nicely.

One of the best things about Cavill's Superman: he doesn't talk much.  He's all about action.  He has an occasional "and that's why you get earthquakes in California from time to time" speech as the plot requires, but on the whole he refrains from gratuitous chatter and commentary.  And when he does talk he gets to the point immediately.

Did Pete...?  Okay, someone needs to tell me what happened with Pete.

Perry White has an earring. BWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!  Earrings are the new cigars.  Eagerly awaiting a re-telling of that classic tale, "The Super-Earrings of Perry White".

CAVILL IS A HUGE FREAKING BEAST OMFG.  Thank you; that is what Superman should look like.

Rusty? LMAO.  Someone on staff has a very good memory.

I don't envy the Heroclix designer who got the short straw and had to come up with dials for Lara and Kelex.

The set piece where the Jor-El AI is telling the story of Krypton via liquid metal WPA-style friezes was not only beautiful, haunting, and riveting it was an ingenious way to evoke the period of the Superman character's literary birth.  Kudos to the production team for even THINKING of it, let alone making it happen.

Superman is powerful.  Very, very powerful.  Wow.

Great job in showing that every super punch or huge object hurled had real-world physical ramifications, like concussive blast areas and shrapnel. Too often in other films we'd get video-game physics instead.

Kenny Braverman?! BWHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Priceless.

To whatever British people were involved in this production; next time, please ask an American how "Kelex" should be pronounced.

Superman catching a falling Lois Lane? Check.

For those of you who cheered; you DO realize that that's a rig, not a pick up, and that it almost certainly belongs to a blameless trucking company owner, and not the driver, right?

So, who programmed the Jor-El AI with a 'leather clothing sound effect'? Because that seems like an odd thing for a hologram to have.

There was a nice steady drumbeat other regular humans doing very heroic things despite their vulnerabilities.  This was very welcome.  As a result, Superman would up seeming so human precisely because he IS heroic.

Okay, I know the kind of big city folk who live Metropolis tend to be kind of blaise, but really now...  How many hours of alien invasion / gravity wave pounding / superperson battle does it take before they leave the damned area? 

My first thought upon seeing Clark Kent on fire was, "Oh I feel EXACTLY the same way!"

Pa Kent's demise was unlikely and convenient and, yes, very comic book-y.  But it IS a comic book story.  And I'm not ashamed to say that in the two seconds in took me to figure out what he was saying/doing, that tears came to my eyes.

Lombard? Didn't expect THAT.

I felt for Zod during his final speech.  Although it didn't exonerate him for his wrong-doings and immoral choices, he was clearly no Faora.  And it made you realize concretely the failure of Krypton's caste system; we're given the impression that Zod didn't have a real chance at being anything OTHER than Zod.

You've surely already heard praise for how well the film does in conveying the power and scope of Superman-level battles.  I'll aim my specific praise at how superSPEED is conveyed.  Even though it's clear that the Kryptonians are moving superfast, I never lost track of what they were doing.  This is due to the filmmakers rhythm for it: pause, consider what to do, DOITINSANELYFAST; pause, observe result, repeat.  Thanks to that masterful filmic choice I could follow the super speed battles better than I could the fights in the recent Batman trilogy.

Is it my imagination, or is Krypton clearly a metaphor for European colonialism?  It makes for an interesting commentary if it is.

"So, all we have to do is stick the key in Artifact A, throw it at Artifact B, and all the threats semi-magically disappear?" Ladies and gentlemen, COMIC BOOK SCIENCE.

The choice of having Pa Kent trust his son, but not necessary humanity seems counter-intuitive until you see the film.  But in context it makes so much more sense this way: Jor-El is the idealist; Jonathan is the realist.

Cavill does a marvelous job playing Superman with exactly the right quiet confidence.  Really, it was amazing.  I kept thinking, "Why, yes; that's just how Superman should seem."

Hey, is that.... Zod kneeling before the Son of Jor-El?  Nice touch.

Spare me your Wrath

In a recent interview entitled "Batman Writers Look to the Future", John Layman, writer of Detective Comics, said Scott Snyder's Batman was "the driving force" behind the Batman books, whereas Detective Comics is more the "Law and Order" of the Bat-books. "What I've got coming up is a character called The Wrath," said Layman. "He is the anti-Batman. He's a rich playboy industrialist, but instead of fighting crooks, he's killing cops. It's fun to play with a dark reflection of Batman and then have them face each other.

The Wrath. Ugh.

The Wrath was old news when he was introduced in 1984.

Re-introducing the Wrath is many things, but it sure ain't "looking to the future".

We don't need another Anti-Batman, like...


The Reaper

1987

The Phantasm

1993

Prometheus

1998

Cat-Man

 1950

Deathstroke

Deadshot

1950

Owlman

1964

The Talon

2011

Killer Moth

1951

Really, after Killer Moth, all other anti-Batmen are superfluous.

It's his party and he''ll laugh if he wants to.

Of all the henchman on the Batman television show, I think the Joker's men had it the worst.

I mean, you'd think working for Cesar Romero's Joker would be sweet.  He makes everything a big fabulous production, he's never in a bad mood, and all above all he believes that the job of being a criminal should be FUN.

And it is. For him.  NOBODY enjoys ANYTHING more than Romero's Joker enjoy just being the Joker. Ye gods, just WATCH IT:



There are no drugs that can do that for you.  Joker is high on LIFE, people.


If you did not laugh at some point during that, you are made of much sterner stuff than I. The part with the red fish always gets me.

But it seems like a different story for his henchmen.  It's like they're the unwilling guests at the Joker's party.  They never seem to laugh or enjoy themselves; they're just sullen background noise.  Whenever the Joker is in the room there is no excess glee to be had; Joker is having ALL POSSIBLE FUN at that moment, and there's none left for you.  If he even notices that, he's vaguely surprised at it and not all at concerned.  If you don't get the joke, it's you loss.

"Hello, tobacconist? Have you, by any chance, 

Prince Albert in a can....?"

And those outfits; ugh!  Even as a tiny gay child I was puzzled that while all the other supercriminals gave their henchfolk nifty matching outfits to wear, the Joker' gave his guys crap.  The outfits don't match, the colors clash badly, and there is nothing thematic about them at all.  Who wears caps with mock turtlenecks under sweater vests?  The Newsboy Legion?  And what's with the blue and red, is this the Superman Revenge Squad?  WTF, Joker?  

I think half the time he's just laughing at how stupid they look.  "These dunderheads will wear anything I tell them to!  I got those outfits from the dumpster behind JCPenny, EhwhoooOOOOYAhHAHAHAHa!"

"I can make anything look good! Enjoy your sweater-vests, my lustre-less lackeys!"

Still, we must remain true to the show.  So in making Joker henchmen tokens for the forthcoming "Batman 1966" Heroclix set, Israeli illustrator Aviv Itzcovitz gives us these (sadly) perfectly accurate renditions (although mercifully sparing us any bright blue and red combos).  For how to use, see this link.

Tutlings

HEAR YE, CITIZENS OF MODERN THEBES!  

YOUR BELOVED MONARCH HAS RETURNED!

ON YOUR KNEES, HELOTS!

Or he will return when the new1960s TV Batman Heroclix set comes out.  This set is the first and only chance to get figures for the "Special Guest Villains" who appeared only on the show and never in comic books.  There's been no word on who's in the set yet, but I guarantee it'll have a King Tut figure, or mine name ain't Amenophis Tufik.  Because what's the point of doing such a set without King Tut, one of the series' most memorable guest-stars?

"*sniff*  I am truly touched.  Really, just ask anyone."

In a show where everyone started at "over the top" and went from there, Victor Buono's variegated and deluded King Tut outdid them all.  Sure, the other supercriminals were vivid portrayals, but Buono's King Tut was larger than life.  Even in his quieter moments (which never lasted more than 40 seconds) he was like an A-bomb that had been dropped on the set.

I have no doubt that when the time came to tear down the Batman sets, they just brought in Victor Buono in his King Tut costume and said, "Okay, Vic, baby, stop holding back! Really let loose this time!"

"The set has been struck as if by the devastating hand of Ra, all-seeing god of the sun.  

Now, sweep up the shards and bring me some potato salad."

Nobody, and I mean nobody, got away with as much as Victor Buono did.  And the character of King Tut gave him the opportunity. Although some other criminals (such as the Joker or the Riddler) were clearly emotionally unusual people, King Tut was the only one who was in fact STARK RAVING MAD and Victor Buono took full advantage of it.  

There is no way she got paid enough for that.

To this day when I watch the show, it's still hard for me to comprehend that Professor William Omaha McElroy and King Tut are the same person, even when I see Buono go from one to the other in the same scene.  

But Tut deserves worshippers, loyal subjects, and royal retainers!  Bring on the Tutlings, courtesy of Israeli illustrator Aviv Irzcovitz:

Mod maze

And by that title I mean not "mod" as in groovy modern but rather "mod" as in "modular".

As much as a I love most Heroclix maps (especially mine own), they all share a common problem: they are static.  They are the same every time you play them.  After a while you're familiar enough with the map that you can work its particular layout to your advantage.  That's fun, but it does take a bit of the surprise out of things.

Mazes are like that, too.  They look quite daunting at first, but once you've navigated them, that's it.  They hold no further possibilities.

But not so for THIS maze:

Originally, I wanted to make this maze all, you know, Riddler-y.  But that would really limit the occasions for using it.  Besides, I figure anyone who actually has this printed is probably going to be someone with a Court of Owls fixation.  And so: a dungeon maze.  Any figures with Charge, Running Shot, or Sidestep are going to have a good time here.

The map is mostly clear floor tiles and blocking walls.  But there are also two small water areas, two small elevated areas, and two small hindering areas (just because they are so DARK you can't go running through them).  But here's where the REAL fun begins:

If you cut the map along those white lines, you can then place the sections down any way you like to form a different version of the map. That's a lot of combinations; in the parlance of the internet "more than 9000".  Actually, 2,949,120, I believe (I may have lost count at some point there).

WHEDON, THIS MEANS WAR

In a recent interview Joss Whedon said: "If I could get my hands on absolutely anybody it would be Batman. (audience applause) He's a Marvel character in the DC universe."

That's the final straw.  I have (mostly) kept my trap shut for years on-line about despising Whedon's immature meta-driven snark-dripping characters who all speak with the same voice and his ability to make virtually any character sound like an adolescent who needs smacked.  I've never wanted to upset my friends who like his fan-pandering work and keep trying to shove it down my throat.  Yes, friends, I know you enjoy those burgers from Five Guys; but that doesn't mean that they are good food.  Whedon's work is the Five Guys of fandom, appealing to your basest tastes while clogging you literary arteries and starving your soul.

But now he's crossed a line. Saying you'd like to work on the Batman IP is one thing; who wouldn't?

But claiming that Batman

TH' FRIGGIN BATMAN

is "a Marvel character in the DC universe" shows that not only do you not understand Batman but that you don't understand the DCU.

Stay away, Whedon.  Stay in the Marvelverse where you're feel to write any character as a troubled, fractious, self-centered jerk and have people applaud you for it.  Because you are not welcome in any version of the DCU that I would recognize.

Penguin Henchmen

One of my hopes for the forthcoming Heroclix set based on the Adam West/ Burt Ward version of Batman from 1960s teevee is that it will entice some people to try Heroclix who never have before.

And no villain is more emblematic of that show as Burgess Meredith's rendition of the Penguin.  Not only was he hilarious and ingenious, but there was no question: Penguin was BOSS.  Watch the 1967 Batman movie; it's quite clear who is running the United Underworld (despite the failure of his exploding shark).  

Forget about the Penguin's rap sheet; Burgess Meredith stole every scene he was in. 

We're sure to get a figure for him in the new set, but if we're going to have the rascally Penguin, we need his fine feathered finks!

I always got the impression that the Penguin's henchmen were among the most professional of their sort and had a good gig.  They got lots of airtime because the Penguin was always up to something.  They got away with occasionally calling the boss "Pengy" and he treated them with a reasonable amount of respect (well, as much respect at the Penguin gives anyone).  He never made them wear anything ridiculous (unlike, say, the Catwoman's gang), they knew how to fence with umbrellas, and they even had their own union of sorts (the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks).  

I always got the impression that these G.O.O.N.s managed to get by without the Penguin when he was in prison; the henchmen for the other supercriminals all looked like they just puttered around walking into walls while waiting for the boss to come back.

So, courtesy of Israeli illustrator Aviv Itzcovitz, I present to youthese Fine Feather Finks tokens to use with the new Pengy Heroclix figure when it arrives. For rules on using them see here.

Coast CIty

You know who doesn't get enough love?  Hal Jordan.

That's not because not enough people love him.

 You mean flapping ridiculously and going nowhere, Carol?

Because everyone loves Hal Jordan.

They can't all look like Kairo, Hal.

Well... almost everyone.

The Batman is not a gentle lover, but he's a fun date.

It's because Hal Jordan cannot possibly get all the love he deserves, not even from Hal Jordan.

It's really best not to think about what Hal does when he's alone.



So here's a little love from me for Hal; his own Heroclix map:

We know very little visually about Coast City (Hal spends most of his time flying in space, sucking face, or staring in a mirror).  Depicted here is the view I imagine of it as Hal flies in from the Pacific Ocean.  

On the lowest level there's a little resort, with a boardwalk and beach.  On the level above it, one of those winding roads on a California cliff.  On the top level where the actually city lies off the edge of the map, I've given it a "Hollywoodland" style sign, assuming it would be as vain as he is.  Or perhaps they just put it there so Hal remembers where he lives.

And of course, I've used only the colors of Hal's costume, so he'll feel at home.