Barry's Return

Hello, Barry! Good to reach you in the Afterlife! I hear you've been considering returning to us, is that true?

Yes; yes, it is, Barry.

I've also heard Geoff Johns called you recently to convince you to return; what did he say?


Oh, Barry; always so literal!

You know, I've been kind of annoyed that, while you've been gone, editors and writers have been lavishing undue attention on your Rogue's Gallery, whom you made famous.


Also, some of your old pals have suffered some hard knocks or been replaced by so-called "legacies" with varying degrees of success...



In fact, your former sidekick, Wally West, has been filling in for you, and he--


I understand how you feel; no argument here!

By the way, I'm not sure how time is perceived in Bald Man's Heaven; do you realize that Wally's been trying to be the Flash for over twenty years?



Only in terms of monthly sales, Barry.

Be forewarned; DC's been altering the universe in a lot of unpleasant ways during the period you've been away. Perhaps you were right during the last twenty years to stay away, so as to--


Yeah, sometimes the current DCU seems hard for me to recognize, too, Barry.

But there's more. You do realize that Grant Morrison and Dan Didio are continuing to remake the DCUniverse, as if--


Well, whatever you think, Barry; you know best.

What do you think the reaction will be to you rejoining Green Lantern in returning from the dead?


Oh, Barry; you're so literal!

Now that you're back with us, what will become of Wally, though? Lots of people are con--


Oh, so you think Grant Morrison has a plan to get rid of Wally, and if so, how do think the fans will react to that?


Yeah, that sounds about right.

Things That Made Me Happy at the Cinema Today

Guess which movie I saw today at noon?

I wasn't ready; you probably aren't either.
I don't know what that ... thing was, but I would never have guessed it was Heath Ledger
Now THAT is how you handle the love interest in a comic book movie!
How can one movie be so depressing and so inspiring at the same time?
Harvey's nurse.
A 1922 two-headed silver dollar. Thank you; it doesn't kill anyone to be accurate!
Harvey's deception.
Riding with ones head out the window, as dogs do.
The ferry dilemma.
Bruce Wayne's final car looks awfully familiar to a 1970s Batman fan.
How to make a pen disappear.
Loiter? Intimidate? Catastrophic? The Batmobile certainly is literate.
Alfred's deception.
"How do the defendants plead?"
Batman versus the SWAT Team.
Lucius's tough decision.
The mad dog metaphor.
Gordon's deception.
"What bus driver?" Really, it's the slight movement before "What bus driver?".
If you thought Iron Man made a statement against terrorism, you were wrong.
250 52nd Street.
Bruce Wayne's employee problem.
Batman's deception.
How Two-Face gets his name.
Chinese barbecue.
Wow; it really IS all part of the plan.
Announcing ones plans in advance.
Getting one phone call.

Making (or not making) a Splash

I've been working on edu-tainment DVDs for Big Monkey, and mostly recently one on comic book terminology and lingo.

Explaining some of these concepts has been a pleasure for a natural born didact, er, I mean, teacher like me. But it's also made me a little sad... .

As I've been writing on them, I've realized that some of the conventions in the comic book medium (as opposed to "comic book conventions"!) have fallen into desuetude, and I think comics are poorer for it.

Things like...

• Letter columns
• Editor's notes
• Logospeak
• Caption boxes
• Continuity (heh)
• Splash pages

I think the splash page is one I miss the most. The splash says, "Here is where the story begins and this is what it's about." Nowadays, if there is anything like a splash page, it's made part of the story, and instead of being prefatory, it's often the last page of the story. When and why did our comics become Latin sentences, where you have you to wait till the end to get to the one word necessary for understanding all the others?

Perhaps it's because stories are now "arcs" and take place over six issues instead of one. In any case, we've lost something valuable. Since covers nowadays often are isolated pieces of art, relatively unconnected to the story within, the absence of splash pages means that most stories have no single-image that represents them.

If you want to refer visually to "Robin Dies at Dawn" (as Grant Morrison has lately... a lot), all you have to do is use the cover. If you want to refer to the Space Canine Patrol Agents (as I do ... a lot), all you have to do is use the splash page (well, splash panel, really).

Without such conventions, we lose the ability to make easy visual reference to a particular story. In fact, most of the faded conventions I mentioned are of that same order: they are visual hooks that allow a reader to understand a story better.

To many modern comic books readers, such devices may seem too, well, device-y. But comic books used to be cups with many handles; easy for anyone to pick up and access the contents, no matter where they were coming from. In losing these conventions, we've removed the handles from the cup. This makes it much harder for the uninitiate to pick up, and more likely to drop or spill if they do.

If we want comics to be accessible to more people, we need to stop worrying that a story relies on past continuity; we need to start worrying that we've deprived ourselves of the tools (like editor's notes) to explain it when it does. Some new conventions have arisen, such as the "catch-up" intro that Marvel's using on some titles (such as Spider-Man and Hercules) that tells you the story to date. Do not criticize those conventions as old-fashioned, but as forward-thinking. Comics always need new readers, and they need such conventions to help them become seasoned readers. YOU may not need such things, but comics do, so embrace such conventions as the open doors through which comics greet their new fans.

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• That Central City looks like Central City in Rogue's Revenge.
• "I have always found the eating plan to be an excellent backup."
• That the cosmic egg, a vestige of the JLA/Avengers crossover is still part of DC's continuity.
• "Sidekick City".
• Wow. That situation with Iris didn't quite work out as expected, did it?
• I bet Despero's the kind of guy who'll never stop to ask directions.
• That I'm not sure which is scarier, Inertia or Zoom.
• Blue Beetle talking to his "backpack".
• Superspeed decapitation... yay!
• That Jimmy Olsen is part of that particular JLA database.
• I guess being Inertia takes a lot of guts.
• Nnamdi's clever subterfuge.
• Okay, that Poison Ivy story was almost pure EC Comics! Take that, Doc Wertham!
• Manhunter versus Black Canary. Heh. Heh heh.
• Spider-Man in Daredevil's costume. Why aren't you reading Spider-Man?
• Trigon putting a cherry on Raven's pancakes.
• I like this "Infinity"; howcum I've never heard of her before?
• Say what you will about Judd Winick's writing (and I have), but his Batman is all five kinds of cool. And SO much cooler than Green Arrow.
• The highly unexpected guest star in Birds of Prey.

NEWSFLASH: Warner Bros. Remembers They Own a Comic Book Publisher!

DC and Warner Bros. having a summit on pulling their act together on the comic book movie front?

Well, it's about darned time.

It's been a classic case of dog versus tail. At Marvel Comic, oops, excuse me, I mean Marvel Entertainment, the comics are the dog and the movies are the tail. Yes, the tail may be much BIGGER than the dog, but it's still a question of who's wagging whom. Marvel's memory is quite clear and they know that until they started pumping out the films, they were on the verge of backruptcy. Remember that? Marvel's clearly ticking through its available and most high profile characters one by one, and building their brand by building movies around them.

Meanwhile, Warner Bros. is busy churning out, oh, "The Bucket List", "Fool's Gold", "10,000 B.C.", and the box office boffo "One Last Call". All this while it's got a panoply of American culture's most recognizable fictional character, known for generations, with the kind of high public profile that Marvel dreams of, all gathering dust on the cinematic shelf.

Oh, I'm not being fair, I know. The Batman franchise is pretty much exercising its full muscle, and Superman is at least, well, awake now. Quick what was Warner Bros. biggest movie splash in 2007? That's right: 300. And, as a graphic novel, 300 didn't exactly fly off the shelves, you know. It's one of things people kind of just ... look at; not buy.

Some of surprise hits at the theater have been based on what I can only kindly call "sleeper" or "cult" comics. I mean, Hellboy? Really? History of Violence? Friggin' Art School Confidential? Okay, that wasn't exactly a "hit", but you get my point. The studios are figuring out, thanks in part to Marvel's cinema chutzpah, that even the most obscure and poor-selling comic book generally has more potential than the average stack of Hollywood screenplays.

I think either Wacko or Yakko has finally woken up and smelled the popcorn: "Hey, these 'comic book movies' might be something popular and profitable... if only we had the rights to some comic book characters... ." Part of the problem, of course, is that Warner, which makes movies, is the dog, and DC, which makes comics, is the tail. Now, that's not something that can be really changed, but it can be ameliorated. Do the smart thing, Warner: set up a sub-studio, or an "imprint", or whatever you movie folks call it, whose sole job is to put on movies based on the comic book properties Warner owns, and put Michael Uslan there.

And take another tack from Marvel: focus your love and attention on the characters themselves and the comic books they came from, not on their previous media appearances. The previous Batman franchise faltered when it became an homage more to the Adam West show than an interpretation of the Bob Kane comics, and the Superman franchise stumbled out of the gate because it insisted on being a sequel (a remake, really) of a movie that came out 30 years earlier, rather than being about the Superman of today.

Learn also the (eventual) lessons of Smallville: stop being embarrassed about it being a comic book. Embrace the cape. That includes the shared universe of heroes; when a guest appearance by Aquaman causes a huge ratings spike, that should tell you something. After that, Smallville virtually became the JLA Headquarters.

The excitement being generated by the prospect of a joint Avengers movie that's being set up is nearly obscene. And, face it, almost no 'regular' Americans could rattle off an Avengers roster, whereas most of them could make a decent stab at listing the classical Justice League. The JLA's profile is off the charts compared to the Avengers. Warner's is the spoiled rich kid too bored to play with the fantastic toys it already owns, while Marvel is being the imaginative kid with a set of Legos.

Thanks for waking up, Warner Bros.! "Wonder Woman: the Movie" will appear in her comics themselves, when it should have been premiering on the real world big screen. Roll up your sleeves, and try to catch up... .

Company Crossover

Okay, what is below is not safe.

It is not safe for work.

It is not safe for kids; teens, even.

It's not safe for many straight adults.

Heck, I'm not even sure it's safe for ME.

That said, there is NO nudity, and NO actual ess ee ecks. And you won't have to watch much to get the point.

And I know this ...

it did make me laugh.



Not kindly. But I did laugh.

Weighing Evil

Here's some good straightforward with some twisted evil:


According to Dr. Stone's Scale of Evil, where do various villains fall?

The Joker: 16
The Penguin: 14
The Riddler: 10? 11?
Harley Quin: 03
Catwoman: 05
Two-Face: hm. A tough one (naturally); 13?
Scarecrow: 19 (psychological torture, that is)
Black Mask: 20?

Care to debate or expand the list?

Things That Made Me Happy

in my comics.

• "Luke Cage owes me ten bucks."
• Skeets should always wear a beret.
• Honestly, I've seen gas lines do a lot of strange things, but never impale someone through the head.
• The tetherball maneuver; I love when he uses the Wisdom of Solomon for the cleverest application of his powers.
• I got to see Panda die... again.
• Finally, an explanation of why Batman supported him in the League.... .
• Arm-Fall-Off-Boy saves the Legion from Starfinger. Single-handedly.
• Gail; thanks for the severed head display!!!
• "Take me to your leader." Clark Kent is a funny person.
• It's so good to see Michelle again!
• It's also good to see Gangbuster again. Never though we would.
• The Penguin's scrapbook.
• If the House of the Mystery serves that spread for breakfast, why would anyone ever try to leave? Sounds like an endless stay at the Doubletree.
• "And we'd have milk everywhere." Of course. Hate it when that happens.
• Geoff Johns' very clever synopses/juxtaposition of Luthor, Superman, Supergirl, and Brainiac. I now understand them all a bit better, and, in typical Johnsian fashion it was accomplished in about two panels.
• Using the Joker as a Crypt-Keeperesque series interlocutor? Genius.
• Wouldn't the 7 Deadly Evils make a great tiki glass set?
• "No, really: you look great." Catwoman is a funny person.
• Tom versus the Gorillas.
• That is not how I expected the Atom to end... .
• Hey, that was the most fun I've ever had without the Joker killing somebody! This Joker's Asylum mini is way better than anyone expected.
• Superman shaving.
• "You'd spend it." Skeet is a funny person. Well, funny machine, anyway.
• Okay, I'll admit that my first reaction to "High-Energy Particle Physics", "Obscure 17th Century French Literature", and "Pre-Columbian Meso-American Burial Practices", was "thank goodness, something I have a chance at answering correctly, unlike 'Baseball' or 'Song Lyrics'..."
• Mr. Batson flirting with Amelia.
• Of course she doesn't have a make-up drawer!
• Of course Batman figured it out. And kept it quiet. For years. He does things like that.
• Atom tracers? Starro iodine? Ray Palmer is so freaking cool... .
• Ah, the three-way version of Truth/Justice/&theAmericanWay. Very well done!
• Ye gods, that was a great Penguin story! Thank you, Jason Aaron!

Someone Tell Peter the Pufferfish!

Well, I'm finally back from Nashville, where the audiences were kind, too kind! With my biggest performance of the year behind me, I'm ready to turn my attention back to comics, and what do I find...?

This.
Yes, yes, we all know that the Martian Manhunter is dead. Truly dead. Really most sincerely dead. That is not my point. That is not what I want to talk about.

THIS

is my point. THIS is what I want to talk about.

There's another scene in this issue where Aquaman appears, but he's just an illusion cast by J'onn. Here? J'onn ain't casting nothing here, folks; that's really Aquaman.

Real Aquaman. I mean, you can tell it's him because of his fabulously styled hair.

If the DCUniverse itself is sentient, then it's crying out for the return of the real Aquaman. This appears to be the first sighting! I've suspected for some time that Final Crisis would begin with Martian Manhunter dying, then have Flash return, then end with Aquaman returning. This seems like pretty strong evidence! And, if he's back, what's the story and when do we get to hear it? Honestly, I'd be just as happy to pretend he never left.

Artist error, one of you will say. Doug Mahnke "accidently" drew Aquaman? Peter Tomasi (who used to edit Aquaman) and Eddie Berganza simply didn't notice that Aquaman was there or "forgot" that one of DC's icons is supposed to be dead and had his book cancelled? I don't think so.

Captain America Moves Me Instead of His Lips

Continuing our July 4 weekend observations, I want to admit that I've just discovered the old Captain America cartoons on-line at YouTube. I'd never seen them before and they are...


WONDERFUL.

Sure it has what we'd now call "primitive animation", kind of like Colorforms in action. But you know what? My comic books don't move much either. In the Captain America cartoons, the stiffness of the characters and the infrequency of their movement is part of their charm, and an advantage. They capture the actual experience of reading a comic book much better than more sophisticated animation does!

This is pure Marvel, people; the heroes spend more time bickering with one another than fighting villains.



Sure, Swordsman's motivations and behavior are incomprehensible, inconsistent, and even incommensurable. Sure, the language sounds like it was translated from the original Bulgarian. Sure, the dialog lurches forward via non-sequiturs as if to dodge the plot. But hey... have you ever read a comic book of that era?

"I crave action, Wanda; action!" Pietro creepily trying to get action from his sister! Mmm, no, what you really crave, Pietro, is salon-quality hair-care products to get your unruly 'do under control. And a bitch-slap from the Swordsman. Oh, and Captain America hiimself has supplied my new signature phrase: "Who's this slumbering stranger?" I can use that every weekend, at least! "Melodramatic phrases don't frighten me, son!" I should hope not, if you're in a Marvel story. And who's voicing the Mandarin... Barbara Walters? And, oh my god, that's John Vernon as Iron Man; hilarious!

Is this stuff on DVD? Because it really deserves to be! Celebrate your Independence Weekend with some Captain America.

Independents Day

I declare July 5 to be "Independents Day" for the celebration of independent comics. I celebrated by reading something I've been dreading for a long time: Invincible.

I first heard of Invincible from the collectors set of the Heroclix they put with him and his cast. Since they, I'd heard a lot about how good it was, and that was what had me so frightened. Let me not fall in love with another universe to follow!

Well, I picked up issue 50, and my fears were fully justified. It was really good. With virtually zero prior knowledge of the characters, I was able to follow everything that went on in the book. Okay, maybe the "my new father figure betrayed me and is evil just like my real daddy" angle is a bit trite, but, hey, it's an Image comic. Did I just get myself hooked on an Image Comic? Please don't tell my mother.

Anyway, that's my main foray this year for Independents Day. I know it's not exactly a HUGE leap, since Invincible from Image is about a mainstream an "indie book" as can be imagined. But one starts with baby steps.

What independent do you read, intend to read, or would recommend to others to read?

Next on my personal list: I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Space. All the back issues are already on order....

That's What It's All About, Isn't It?

And now, the finale of...

Please choose wisely.

VERY dramatically.

Although there are exceptions.

Or even a glow that men admire in the reanimated corpse of a teenager possessed by incorporeal aliens from another dimension.

Finally, as for clothing, remember there are three outfits that every girl's closet should have: a little black dress, a summer frock, and...


a lemon-lime safari outfit with bulls-eye scarf.

Bending Over Backwards for Beauty

Here's the next tip from Ted Long, Make-Up & Makeover Master on

It's exercise!



Isn't that right, Barry?


Sure, it may not look good while you're exercising, but, hey, Barry Allen's been dead for 17 years but look how good he looks!

You may think all this advice is unsurprising so far, but here's a piece of Ted Long's wisdom that will turn everything you know about beauty-preparations on its head!

Always greet guests from an inverted position!

How fabulous is that?

Oh, and remember the principles of highlighting; shine a convenient spotlight on your best features or any areas you want people to focus on.


Skeptical? Don't be; trust Ted Long. Besides, look what it does for Barbara Walters:

"Weh-wo, and wehw-come to the Vieweh!"

There ya go. If inversion can do that much for Barbara, imagine how much it can do for you!


I can confirm this from experience. Why, I've spent entire evenings in that position when entertaining numerous guests. And, to a man, they all said, "That was fabulous!"

It's a Cover Up!

So, according to Ted Long, what is the next in

?

Well, having established his credentials and good faith, Ted was advising us on make-up strategy.


Ted's clients have included Batman, Robert Beltran, and George C. Scott.

I learned this one the hard way. Tried to cover Roy's bloodstains on the carpet with concealer. Even the DC cops figured that one out. Thank goodness for nullification votes.

Remember, covering up is for the pros in the studios-- especially those working with Barbara Walters. Makeup is making the best of highlights and shadows (or simply staying out of the former and in the latter, if you're Barbara Walters)...


Never use soap. Never. It could clog your pores resulting in pimples and blackheads.

What to use instead of soap? There are many options.

A strigil.

Hydrochloric acid.

Radium.
Remember, teens; scar tissue is immune to acne!


Sometimes this is easier said than done!









But the most important thing to remember is:

DO NOT LET DAVID MAZZUCHELLI DRAW YOU!