Aqualad v. the Monster Machine

It's the incomparable Aqualad, starring in....

(God bless the late George Kashdan!)

It begins one quiet morning when an awesome creature rears up out of the sea and strides up onto a deserted beach!

See? I told you.

By the way, fabulous marauding robot design, huh? That one used to date the Spider-Slayer, I think. Note how its thrashing limbs imitate the form of the dead trees that line the deserted beach, making a mockery of nature, saying, "I, a lifeless machine, am more alive than you, organic lifeform!". Spooky!

So Spooky the Marauding Marinebot starts to throw a hissy and some rocks to go with it.
Leaving in its wake a wide path of destruction!


Or, perhaps just ruining an abandoned cottage on a deserted beach. I think somebody here flunked Prof. Godzilla's class at Marauding Monster U.

Well, a ruined beach cottage may mean little to you or me, but if there's one thing I've learned in my gay life, it's "don't **** with Jack Lingo." Immediately, Lingo gets on the horn and calls the Teen Titans.
What else could explain it? The beach is deserted; who the heck could be alerting the Teen Titans at Big Rock Candy Mountain? I think this kind of thing is where Morrison gets his idea that the DCU itself is sentient: it apparently simply, somehow, informs the requisite heroes to save it whenever its under attack.

Fortunately for this poor, deserted beach, Speedy is hanging out at Big Rocky Candy Mountain, trying to avoid being seen with Green Arrow, and calls the Scooby gang to help.

Want to vote on the meaning of that fourth visi-screen?

1. It's Robin, who almost always ignores calls from Speedy or Aqualad.
2. It's Superboy, after the Siegels got to him.
3. It's the head of Pantha, recently disconnected.
4. Speedy forgot to make the switch to digital tv.

"Speedy-o". Yes, this is Wally, during his "dye my hair black and hang out with beatniks at coffee houses" phase, which followed his "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase, and preceded his "Republican A-hole" phase, which itself was followed by his "man-tramp" phase, and his second "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase.

Anyway, Speedy issues the call for action.

What, no "JLA Condition Amber"? I'm disappointed. But that's okay; that set of directions more than makes up for it.

So, they rendezvous at, um, Section CBD ("Cartoon Beach, Deserted"), and attack Spooky, the Marauding Marinebot. Naturally, everyone's favorite, Aqualad, leads the charge with an inspiring battle-cry that would strike fear into the CPU of any marauding robot.

"Let me just... hug this vaguely phallic protrusion... until it... submits!" See, this is what happens when you indulge in too much sweet, sweet octopus love: you start humping anything even remotely tentacular. But this ain't gentle Topo, and Spooky the Marauding Marinebot turns out to be more than Aqualad can handle...
Spooky, disgusted with Aqualad's wussiness, deals with him accordingly.


Oops.
Do you get the sense Aqualad's used to this kind of thing?

"Dude; I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing we did!"

Well, at this point Spooky's destroyed an abandoned beach cottage and made a fool out of Aqualad by using him as a frisbee, so he figures it's time to call it a day.

Note how its thrashing limbs are in exact the same position as when it exited the sea, but there's no trees around anymore. I love Filmation!Okay! Now it's in Aqualad's element! Now it's going to be a different story! Now Spooky's in for a real bruising! Besides, Aqualad's got to compensate for having just been used as a beach frisbee, particularly since that annoying faux hipster, Wally, is always dogging him and giving him that deadpan "I can't believe I'm being seen with a dork like you" look. "Check! We'll follow in the 'copter, so we're close enough to see your inevitable humiliation but still far away enough not to be associated with you!"

Sneer all you want, Maynard G.! Aqualad's in his element now, and going to take advantage of home court to use his aqua-strength and speed, and maybe get some assistance from his piscine allies!
Damned elusive automata! Garth'll show 'em what for!


Oops.


Hey, Garth; Aquaman called. He's just traded you to Green Lantern for Pieface and a stewardess to be named later.

As Aqualad the Human Frisbee bounces headfirst off coral formations, the Teen Titans try desperately to record his humiliation for later posting on DCU-Tube.


Yeah, where is Aqualad? Probably formulating another plan of attack. Probably rallying the denizens of the sea to his aid. Probably...enjoying sweet, sweet octopus love in the embrace of "Leggy"!

AH! My eyes! It burns!!! Yet I can't look away; do you see the mating tentacle? Where is it? No, never mind; I don't want to know.

Anyway, like most men, Aqualad is off as soon as he's had his fun.
Poor Leggy: "C--call me, Garth!" Sh'yeah, as if. Don't worry, Leggy; there's lot of good fish in the sea.

Besides, Aqualad has a job to do, and with a new tactic in mind, he begins his assault against Spooky, in a daring and ingenious ploy that--

Oops.

It's kind of cute that Aqualad is stupid enough to be surprised every time he screws up. Oh, and for your trivia buff's, Garth does have a last name: Fubar.

Fortunately, this all happens underwater. Fortunately, Aqualad's teammates can't witness this repeated humiliation. Fortunately, no one on DCU-Tube will see Garth Fubar screaming like a helpless little girl...

Oops.

Really, if Venus were merciful, wouldn't she just kill him right then and there? "Aqualad's in trouble"; yeah, there's a real newsflash. Face it, Garth, you're the "Daphne" of the Teen Titans.

Naturally, the rest of Mystery Inc. have to save Aqualad; Speedy provides a tripwire and Kid Flash just pushes the dang robot over. Aqualad, of course, does one of his Maxwell Smart -style recoveries and pretends it was all part of his plan and that he's in charge.

Talk about denial; get some therapy, Garth.

Unfortunately, Aqualad's already been captured by Spooky the Marauding Marinebot so many times that he's suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and can't hide his distress that they've "killed" it and cries out:

Garth; it's pretty bad when you're on a first name basis with your abusive kidnapper. Unless it's Tula.
"You killed Spooky! Damn you, Wally! With your cool lingo, and dyed hair, and blank uncaring eyeslits! I hate you. I curse you. Someday may you be depowered and suffer from asthma, unable to replace your dead mentor, forgotten by readers, and ridiculed by bloggers, while I, on the other hand, have my own title, membership in the JLA, and a wife and two kids!"

By this point, Wonder Girl, the Competent One, is fed up with all this hoo-hah and wants to get back to some real men, like Mer-boy and Bird-boy, so she decides to simply beat the crap out of all the other robots and the ship they rode in on. Meanwhile, useless Aqualad envies her jewelry while Wally, never missing an opportunity to show up Garth, decides that what he really wants to do is direct.


"You read my mind, Kid Flash!" is womenspeak for "Shut yer bloody man-yap, you poseur; I'm an actual warrior who knows what she'd doing!"
"Groovy!" Three guesses who said that.

So, with the danger averted, the Teen Titans pose for a Gap commercial


and Wonder Girl takes her leave of her loser colleagues.

"I wish-- I wish I had a home to head to, instead of a cave that I've littered with various jetsam..."

And Aqualad says good-bye to us all.

Warning JJ

J'onn, I'm so glad I caught up with you!

The editors of DC Comics are coming; they're coming to kill you!
I don't think that's going to help, J'onn. They can still see your thought ballo--errr, ah, I mean they can, um, detect you with their telepathy. Besides they've got unearthly powers of their own, and your own powers are so inconsistent that--
Ooh, I was afraid something like that might happen. I don't think hiding going to work very--

Well, you did, but the Skrull-Gumby look didn't really help, I'm afraid.

Their plan is to have the Human Flame will use his fire to kill you and--


Oh, yes, I know they keep removing your weakness, J'onn. But you should know that only lasts until the next time they use you in story.

Dan Didio, Geoff Johns, and Grant Morrison are going to kill you, believe me.

Yeah, it's never enough power, is it, J'onn?

Maybe if you reinvent yourself; you did so well in the comedic antics of the JLI...
Oh, yeah, I forgot; you were pretty much the straight-man, weren't you?

Perhaps you'd better just say your good-byes.
Um, yeah, Mrs. Martian? Don't stay up waiting for that.

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• Booster's dad: very hot without sleeves!
• Brain-sucking robots.
• For Batman, a nightmare city; for Superman, an invading solar system; for Wonder Woman, a giant robot attack. Very nice; although giant NAZI robots would have been even better.
• "It didn't seem physically possible." Okay, THAT was brilliant.
• Booster's dad's earpiece: creepy and clever.
• Sodam's perspective on Daxam.
• The president of the Robin Fan Club.
• It's always good to see Impulse again.
• Weaponized robot poop.
  
• Calabi-Yau manifolds. Not enough of those in comics, I say.
• Have you ever trying carving a crown with your teeth? Let me tell you, it's not as easy as you'd think.
• Booster's dad's ear: RHOP alert!
• No, in fact, I don't think Catwoman and Batgirl wrestling naked except for their masks in front of a room full of people is exploitative at all. Context, you know.
  
• Clark versus Cat. Winner: Clark.
• Batman thought it out; Superman worked it out; Wonder Woman fought it out.
• The dignity and tenacity of the Penguin; finally, someone remembers who the Penguin really is.
• So that's whose ring it is. I've been waiting for that answer for over 20 years. That makes perfect sense!
• Ah ha; it's all Jaime Reyes's fault!
• Hm. That change in the wind...? Not good.
• Booster's dad's vomit.
• I bet that's when she started to rethink the wisdom of having a tail on your costume.
  
• Sorry; I don't believe that even Brainiac 5 can possibly have a map of Central City.
• The corner of Waid & Weiringo.
• I've never seen a pink-frosted donut that symbolic before!
  
• The Green Lantern Corps showing remarkable wisdom in interacting with a very alien species.
• So... Wonder Woman's attending, what, the Klaw Family Reunion?
• Brainiac the collector.
• The Joker versus the Parademon.
• Spoiler's note. Very classy.
• Forget "one punch"; I'm all about "one word".
• Superman disposing of a pink-frosted donut, sprinkled with symbolism.
  
• "It's Gonna Throw the Car"; I am totally up for all titles/subtitles in this style!
• Clark using superpowers for what they're supposed to be used for: teaching lessons to those closest to us through public humiliation.

Three's a Charm

Today's the day I talk about Trinity!

First, I want to say, I applaud the concept of the DCU trinity. Now, it should come as a surprise to no one who has read this blog for any length of time that I like the idea of a set of characters that anchor (or, perhaps more accurately, "pillar") a literary universe. Things like "trinities", "pantheons", and the like are very mythic, and we love the mythic here at the Absorbascon. It ennobles (enriches? justifies, LOL?) our comics when they have mythic dimension and symbolism. It easier to tell stories that mean something when the characters in them already mean something.

I also like that, for DC, that set is a trinity. That's not really a necessity, you know. For the longest time, DC has actually been a duumvirate, of sorts. As Geoff Johns has the Toyman say in the most recent issue of Action, "You're either a Superman person or a Batman person." The "World's Finest" has been the paradigm DC's operated under since Batman and Superman first appeared together, I suppose.

It's been productive and useful in many ways, but it has drawbacks. It's needlessly adversative; you're naturally led to pit one side against the other (at least, if you're Frank Miller, you are). It's also rather shallow. One of the worst faults of the news media is their natural tendency to create or simulate conflict by reducing everything to two opposing sides or positions (whether it's appropriate or not); the world's usually a lot more complicated than that. I can accept shallowness in my news media, but not in my comic books. And it's tediously lacking in variety. When you've got only two basic elements to work with, you just have to compare and contrast them over and over and over again. If you read Superman/Batman you know exactly what I'm taking about. With three basic elements, you can compare and contrast them individually or any pair against the remaining element; that's a huge leap in variety from the one-note two-step dictated by the world of World's Finest.

There's another advantage to a trinity of characters (or concepts, or whatever): it generally feels more stable, more complete. It's no accident that most rhetoric (including the paragraph that precedes this one) tends toward triadic presentation, that we countdown from 3 rather than 2 or 4, that we (particularly Aristotle but excluding Geoff Johns) think of stories as having a beginning, and middle, and an end. If you doubt the stabilizing power of the 3, sit at a four-legged table versus a three-legged one, and ask yourself which one wobbles more.

I also like that the Trinity is Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. Now, that may seem like a foregone conclusion, but like the general concept of a trinity itself, it's by no means a necessity. They aren't the three most powerful heroes in the DCU (although they certainly aren't slouches, either!), nor even the best sellers. Instead, they are the three most culturally significant characters, whose images are most widely recognized and whose meaning is most generally understood. That's appropriate and shows that DC has an eye on more than just its short-term, fanboy interests.

I've heard people complain that including Wonder Woman into a trinity of heroes is uneven, awkward, forced. It's felt that there's not enough substance to her symbolism, that what she represents is unclear, that, currently, she's not their conceptual equal. Perhaps. But even if that is so, that's all the more reason to do it. You can't abandon an important opportunity to put Wonder Woman on the same conceptual level as Batman and Superman simply because... she's not already there! That makes as much sense as when my companion Ken misspoke this weekend, saying, "I can't drink when I'm sober."

I demand Equal Conceptual Rights for Wonder Women. Being included in the trinity will help -- already is helping -- speed up the process of solidifying, elaborating, and publicizing who Wonder Woman is and what she stands for. Even in the first issue of Trinity, we see that her approach to having a secret identity is very different from that of the Last Son and the Dark Knight. Similarly, her interpretation of their shared dream is used to distinguish her from "the Boys". It's my fervent hope that her exposure in Trinity will lead to something I strongly believe she needs, a second title (Sensation Comics, I assume).

In so many ways, "the Trinity" makes more sense than "the World's Finest". Superman, always super; Wonder Woman, super in costume and normal without; Batman, always normal. Superman, with two parents; Wonder Woman, with one; Batman, with none. As I have mentioned before, Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Focus, restraint, and balance. The city, the country, the city-state. Adoption, creation, self-creation. Admiration, fear, respect. Etc., etc., etc. And that doesn't even begin to explore the two-against-one combos: native versus alien, modern versus ancient, male versus female, privilege versus poverty, super versus non-super.

I am all for Trinity, the concept, the choices, and (so far) the execution.

And you?

The Villainous Tarot

Our recent conversation about composing an "anti-Trinity" has brought me back to the idea of villain archetypes.

The idea of villainous archetypes certainly isn't new, or unique to comic books. But when part of your central schtick is "one hero with many foes", then devices that help distinguish those foes become useful. Conceiving of archetypes among villains then helps you create new ones: you can see where the "gaps" are in the hero's villainry and create a character to fill it.

This concept is similar to the Dynastic Centerpiece Model we talk about here. In the DCM, we find patterns between a Dynastic Centerpiece and his or her helpers and supporting cast. In what I will call the Villainous Tarot, there's a set of archetypes that DC villains fall into it, in which, like the Dynastic Centerpiece Model, the members are defined in terms of their relationship to the central hero. The more fully that "Tarot" is filled out, the potentially richer the hero's Rogues' Gallery is.

Filling out the Villainous Tarot isn't a sure-fire thing. If you fill it with crappy villains, then your hero will still have a crappy Rogues Gallery. BUT-- and here's the key thing -- quantity (or, more accurately, variety) is more important than quality. More on that later!

But first, let's take a look at a sample for the Trinity...

	Batman	Superman	Wonder Woman
Mocker	Joker	Prankster	Angle Man
Crime Lord	Penguin	Lex Luthor	Veronica Cale
Opposite Number	Killer Moth	General Zod	Devastation
Twisted One	Two-Face	Bizarro	Silver Swan
Mental Challenger	Riddler	Mr. Mxyzptlk	Dr. Psycho
Physical Challenger	Killer Croc	Parasite	Cheetah/ Giganta
Gadgeteer	Penguin	Toyman
Sexual Challenger	Catwoman	Maxima RIP
Evil Genius	Hugo Strange	Lex Luthor	Dr. Poison / Egg Fu
Manipulator	Mad Hatter		Dr. Psycho

These are just some of the more obvious villainous archetypes. They aren't mutually exclusive (one character may fill more than one role) nor unique (one role may be filled by more than one characters). Nor is there any necessary hierarchy among these archetypes; for various reasons, a hero may wind up with an "archenemy" who's a Mocker (the Joker), an Evil Genius (Lex Luthor), or an Opposite Number (Zoom). Nor are these roles immutable; villains can evolve from one role to another (as Hugo Strange once evolved from Evil Genius to Opposite Number or Twisted One) or occupy different roles as the situation demands (e.g., the Penguin as Gadgeteer or Crime Lord). Role can be usurped; the attempt to create Devastation as an Opposite Number for Wonder Woman didn't stick long-term, and the new "Super-Manazon" that DC appears to be planning will now take that role instead.

And this is why the variety, overall, is more important that the quality. Quality is easy to fix. If a villain in a particular role is crappy, all it takes is one issue to give them an upgrade or make them more interesting. As long as a villain has any recognizability, they can be given a new paint job (e.g., Catman, Egg Fu, Black Hand). It's harder to introduce new villains and make them stick than it is to revitalize them.

When I asked you to come with an "anti-Trinity", you each chosen a different set of villains, and, consciously or not, your choices were influenced by what role the villain plays in that hero's Villainous Tarot. Some of you chose villains with the same role, so that they would all have a common goal to give your team unity. Some of you, on the other hand, chose villains with three different approaches to give your team variety. It's like in Risk, when to get extra armies you can turn in either three of the same card, or one card each from the three different types. Re-examine your own choices with the Villainous Tarot in mind, and see what it tells you!

Just like the Dynastic Centerpiece model, the Villainous Tarot can highlight weaknesses in the mythos of a hero. Try filling in the grid above for another hero. The problems are immediately apparent. Most of Flash's villains are, essentially, gadgeteers (and one trick gadgeteers, at that). Small wonder, then, that they've largely been lumped together what amounts to one threat with a variety of faces ("The Rogues"). No one's taking the role of the Mocker of Green Lantern (except for, you know, me and the rest of the internet). Black Manta has to fill five or six slots in Aquaman's tarot, and if you want to have a serious laugh (or a serious headache, depending on your attitude) try and fill that grid in for Green Arrow or the Martian Manhunter.

The nice part is that, in pointing out gaps, the Villainous Tarot spotlights opportunities. As previously mentioned, somebody at DC obvious thought something along the lines of, "Hey, Batman and Superman each have at least Opposite Number, maybe more; shouldn't Wonder Woman have one, too?" Angle Man's not really Wonder Woman's Mocker, just the closest she has to one; he could be pushed more in that direction, and new villains could be placed in his original roles as Mental Challenger, then Gadgeteer. Wouldn't someone Grimbor-like be an amusingly ironic foe for Wonder Woman, perhaps as an enslaver of trafficked women? Or old villains could be re-purposed to fill those roles; wouldn't Circe be more effective as a Mental Challenger for Wonder Woman, rather than as a tepid Mocker of her values?

The specifics of what is done what role or which character are merely details, and you could make a wide variety of interesting and valid choices. I wouldn't want to see every hero's Rogues' Gallery become cookie-cutter predictable, but I would like to see writers and editor take greater advantage of some obvious opportunities to fatten up their hero's Villainous Tarots!

Riddle Me This: Trinity

Pretend you are the persons writing/editing Trinity.

You must select an "anti-Trinity" of villains to oppose the Trinity of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. You may not use the obvious choices (Joker, Cheetah, Luthor), but you may use anyone else, resurrecting them if need be.

Whom do you choose and why?

Falconman?!

With due deference to the Bat-Blog from whom I stole this because I couldn't resist its glory (and to whom I already owe debt for identifying my long-lost Whitman Activity Set!):




I shouldn't find that cart so hilarious; but I do.

Things That Made Me Happy

... in my comics this week.

• Black Adam needs a trip to Mattress Discounters.
• Manhunter + Blue Beetle = Great Happiness.
• "I don't need a translator." Mr. Terrific and Amazing Man are my new favorite comic book comedy duo!
• Nightwing fighting fire with fire.
• Jonah Hex versus One of Those Women From Love & Rockets.
• Hey, I guess it's the modern "Mystery Analysts of Gotham"!
• Ryan Choi was particularly disarming this month.
• Finally getting to see Damage's face. Sigh!
  
• Ramsey's great-grandparents.
• The giant octopus that doesn't do anything.
• Now we know where the spooky lighting is coming from in DC's latest series of house ads.
• Nick, isn't that gun a bit extreme, even for you?
• The Atomic Skull taking a face-plant into wet cement.
• Detective Comics being full of detectives and detecting.
• Esteban's insightful and cogent explanation of the appeal of bullfighting (and most reality tv progamming).
• LOTS of neck-snapping in Secret Invasion! Sigh; I guess you need to read DC if you want a decent decapitation... .
• Jonah puts up with a lot of bull.
• Jarvis's polite request.
• Having Nightwing fight an old Black Condor foe? Ingenious!
• "I'm a giant sea monster of the depths. It's what I do."
• Batman in a Chat Room.
• Dr. Choi's savior. Both of them, really.
• Dylan receives a package, and all that it implies. Shudder.
• Concerning the House Ad for Uncanny X-Men #500: so, do all of Marvel's female characters seem like drag queens, or what?
• Nightwing doing snappy patter during fight scenes... in his head. Why aren't you reading Nightwing, people?
• Todd Rice flying a helicopter makes me hot. Or doing anything else, really.
  
• House of Mystery = the new Sandman.
• Kr'ali Stark...?!
• Fabulous two-page synopsis of Manhunter-so-far.
• "I heard they were developing her for HBO." Priceless!
  
• Batman can't save everyone, particularly not from themselves.
• "This one's on me." Oh, Jonah, you slay me (and most of your supporting cast!).

APPLET NEEDED

I would like an applet for my sidebar, that I can fill with pictures and captions thereto, that will cycle through them randomly upon each refreshment of the page.

Is there such?

Weather for J'onn's Funeral Services

"Hello, everyone. I'm meteorologist Misty Hazen, joining you, my colleagues here at station WFLA, and all citizens of Apex, as we mourn the loss of our treasured hero, J'onn J'onzz, the 'Martian Manhunter'.

"Services will be held for Mr. J'onzz all this week throughout Apex, so that everyone can find time to attend. Let's take a look at the forecast for the week so you can plan accordingly...

"Today the weather will be normal and seasonal, with large earthward meteors expected all over town.


"Tuesday, falling planes are anticipated in the morning,


but in the afternoon, those should taper off...

..and completely disappear by the late afternoon.


"Wednesday should be lovely in the city, with falling meteors,


but prepare for scattered crazy bullets in the countryside.


"Thursday, look for both sudden giant and freak waves in the area of Rainbow Beach.



"Friday could see some serious falling safes...


particularly in Toontown.

"Saturday should be clear, with the possibility of an automotive tornado in the Gawking District.


"Sunday, the weather should return to normal with flaming meteors exploding over mid-town."

"Wishing you all safe mourning,this is Misty Hazen, saying, 'Look to the skies! Keep watching the skies!'..."