Octopus Week #7: Arms and the Man

Green Arrow and Shaft Lad have the Octopus cornered in his hideout, where nothing can possibly go wrong.

Ollie, next time, follow Batman's example: always led the kid go in first.

Okay, almost nothing.  Even I can't blame Ollie for walking into this one.  Who expects an octopus in the living room?

 

You know, if I'd lost my virginity to an octopus while my not-dad was watching, 

I might have turned to drugs, too.

Green Arrow, using the power of comic book irony, saves himself (and Arrow Boy) with his tentacular suction-cup arrow.

Bet Michaels is feeling foolish about not having a weapon on him now. 

"Eight hells!  If only I had a sock with an eight-ball in it!!!"

Octavus gives up when he recognizes that it's Green Arrow. Because Green Arrow knows Aquaman.  And Topo.  Octopuses don't have a lot of heroes to look up to, you know.

The Octopus tries to make a getaway.

The "gang boss"? 

Even the kid who works with Green Arrow is embarrassed to call him "the Octopus".

But Ollie stops him with comic book irony.

Dude; the tentacle hat isn't even shielded?!  You suck, Michaels.

 I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.

The lesson of this story?

Don't put your faith in a disturbed man with a weird hat who attempts elaborate thematic jobs, sometimes on television, armed with nothing more than delusions of grandeur and a gang of eight guys in suits.

 Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here.

Octopus Week #1: Behind the Eight Ball

Oh, it all starts simply enough: nine guys break out of jail after hitting a guard over the head.

Star City: where life is simpler.

When Ollie Queen and his Young Ward Roy Harper hear that a bunch of desperate criminals are coming out of prison, they do exactly what I would do:  start stripping and dash to the prison.

You're a man after my own heart, Ollie.  
Or the hearts of nine desperate and lonely prisoners.

Green Arrow discovers the breakout is the work of Al 'Slippery' Michaels "one of the biggest crooks I ever sent up." 

Note that this is in November 1953.  By 1953, Batman has defeated and captured the Joker, the Penguin, Two-Face, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Clayface, Hugo Strange, Deadshot, Firefly, Killer Moth, the Mad Hatter, the Cavalier, Crazy Quilt, the Crime Doctor, and the Gorilla Boss of Gotham. 

During that time, one of Green Arrow's biggest collars was Slippery Michaels, some guy with an eight-ball in his sock. 

No wonder there's no 'Hall of Trophies' in the Arrowcave. 

"Will I ever have as many trophies as Batman does?"

"MY REPLY IS NO."

But unprepossessing Mr. Michaels is on a slippery slope toward crazy Gotham-style supervillainy.   Why?  Because criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, that's why.  You see, he made his little escape with his eight pals on August 8,  and, well, as he puts it:

Well, you can't fight fate!  So he decides then and there to do the logical thing.  He must be a creature of the eight, purple, terrible...a...a...

an octopus! That's it! He shall become an octopus!

If this were a Marvel character, he'd have already had at least three different Heroclix figures made of him, not including the "Hulktopus" version.

As hilarious as the 'tee-shirt with gym trunks over hosiery' look is, it's the hat that puts the Octopus's outfit beyond "pants-wettingly funny" into "pants-shittingly funny".  I shouldn't laugh, really; I sure it took his mother hours to make.

I wonder how Michaels'--er, the Octopus's new outfit will go over with his gang...

Octopus Week #0: Better Than Heroin

I left on a trip yesterday (the boys and I ...

are doing a concert tour in China; yes, really).  But while I'm behind the Great Firewall, I didn't want to leave you with nothing to read, so I wracked my brain for something to write about that would close off August (the eighth month) here at the Absorbascon.  I just couldn't get my arms around the problem; I felt like a real sucker.  

But then reader Dale lent me a hand by sending me a story that combines two of our favorite subjects here at the Absorbascon. Specifically:

The stupidity of Green Arrow...

  "Maybe I can do something with the boomerang arrow!" 

Like what, Ollie?  Hit yourself in the face?

... and sweet sweet octopus love, baby:

  You know, you'd think after a childhood spent like this, heroin would be rather a let-down.

Are you ready for....?

 

P.S. Trust me; you're not.

Sweet sweet octopus love Batman haiku FAIL!

Oh.- My- GOD, Becky! I can't believe that when I was younger, like last week, I used to think that Batman was SO COOL.

Until I saw THIS panel where the Golden Age Batman is indulging in some traditional sweet sweet octopus love.  Although it may actually be rough sweet octopus love, judging from the knife; Batman is not a gentle lover. In fact, in other panels he cuts off two of the 'pus's tentacles, and then stabs it in the eye.  Octopus parents, know who your children are dating!

Anyway, I was pretty impressed to notice that Batman was talking under water.  Out loud. To no one.  The Golden Batman can do things like that, you know.  People think the Platinum Age Batman with his omni-competence and ultra-preparedness is such a badass.  The Golden Age Batman laughs a hearty Golden Age laugh ("Ha! Ha HA!") at the Platinum Age Batman because preparation is for wusses.  The Golden Age Batman was never prepared for anything and he DIDN'T CARE.  He would just go ahead and jump into any crazy situation and make it all up on the fly.  Golden Age Batman was all, "I'll just make a telegraph out of some pennies in salt water!"; "This coat hanger will make a fine boomerang!", and "I can use this yeast and a candle to force open the door!"  Who needs a utility belt when the entire world is your armory?

So imagine how excited I was to see Golden Age Macgyver-maniacal, underwater-talking Batman, while on vacation in Florida,  hurl himself at an octopus armed with only a piece of scrap metal, obviously about to blurble out some brilliant, spunky haiku, when---

FAIL!

Oh-oh! This baby

likes me so much he wants to

hug me to death ___ !

Batman missed a syllable.  And he used to be my hero.

Starman would not have screwed that up, Golden Age Batman; you totally suck.   

What haiku can YOU compose about Golden Age Batman's sweet sweet octopus love haiku fail?

Haikuesday with Gene Colan and the Sea Devils!

Ah, the Sea Devils, the Homines Superiores of the Sea, the Demigods of the Deep, the Untersee Ubermenschen. I've always marveled at the Sea Devils, who, as repeatedly mentioned here at the Absorbascon, are paragons of humanity, as capable and impressive as the Challengers of the Unknown are incompetent and stumble-footed. Yet they get so little respect; why, they don't even have a page of TV Tropes (where even Small Wonder has a page).

While excited for the new directions that the creative team is taking with Aquaman, I was sad to see that Aquaman's hinted "former team" will turn out not to be the Sea Devils.

It's a pity. The Sea Devils are your classic four-man band (The Leader, The Girl, The Muscle, The Kid), a sort of underwater Fantastic Four without superpowers (other than super-awesomeness). They'd have been perfect "back-up singers" for Aquaman's adventures that preceded his discovery of Atlantis, and I would have loved to see the New52 Aquaman become the tentpole for the reintroduction of all DC's oceanic heroes. Alas.

The Sea Devils were so incredible, that, like Mr. Mxyzptlk or The Phantom Stranger, they pretty much do whatever they want, including violating the Fourth Wall...



and otherwise ignoring the barrier between their world and ours. Why, here's their own comic book artist-- Gene Colan -- joining them on one of their underwater adventures.


Wow. That's... wow. Could Namor or Dracula have dragged Gene Colan in their world? I don't think so.

Let alone induct Gene Colan into the joys of sweet, sweet octopus love?

I think not.

Speaking of "Wow", that's the name of the haiku that the amazing Gene Colan spouts as he and the Sea Devils escape one of their hourly close-calls.

We got away just
before that ancient ship was
swallowed up again!

Such is the ennobling effect of the Sea Devils on all who surround them, elevating them to the heights of human achievement, including casual haiku in the face of near destruction. What haiku can you compose in honor of the Sea Devils or Gene Colan?

The Case of the Super-Voyeurs!

So, since the A-list of the Justice Leaguers are hyper-competent --

well, most of them, anyway--

it probably leaves them with lots of time on their hands, just sitting around the Secret Sanctuary, waiting for the Trouble Alert or Wonder Woman's next scheduled lesson on Parliamentary procedure.

What do you think they do to pass the time away? Answer:

Watch Hal Jordan get his ass kicked.

• "Why doesn't Green Lantern use his emergency signal? Then we'd all go to help him."
• "Because he's a man, Kal!"
• "Because he's an idiot."
• "Because he's vain."
• "That's what I said..."
• "Don't start, princess."
• "Oh, I think there's nothing wrong with him that wouldn't be cured by a bit of sweet, sweet octopus love."
• "I concur wholeheartedly, Arthur."
• "What in Rao's name are you two freaks jabbering about? Shut up and let me what he..."

• "Yikes. Perhaps you two have a point. It's really not decent of me to watch Hal's sordid tete a tete this way. But I'd better continue. In case... in case he needs help."
• "That the excuse you use for spying on Lois, too, isn't it?"
• "Don't start, human."
• "What's happening?"
• "I ... I think he's getting his ass kicked by a wall-walker and a mood ring."
• "I told you we shouldn't have let him become a toy salesman!"
• "I think anything that keeps him conscious benefits us all."
• "That's funny, I was about to say the opposite..."

• "Oh, c'mon, guys; it's not that bad. I think he's just fooling around. It's not like he's really into the bondage thing."
• "Was that a crack?"
• "You would know."
• "I'll deal with you later, human."
• "Be fair, guys. It's not like it's really getting him all hot and bothered..."

• "Oh, Rao, it burns my super-eyes...!"

Well, we all know how the real Leaguers think. But what do you think Snapper Carr's take on all this is?

Aqualad v. the Monster Machine

It's the incomparable Aqualad, starring in....

(God bless the late George Kashdan!)

It begins one quiet morning when an awesome creature rears up out of the sea and strides up onto a deserted beach!

See? I told you.

By the way, fabulous marauding robot design, huh? That one used to date the Spider-Slayer, I think. Note how its thrashing limbs imitate the form of the dead trees that line the deserted beach, making a mockery of nature, saying, "I, a lifeless machine, am more alive than you, organic lifeform!". Spooky!

So Spooky the Marauding Marinebot starts to throw a hissy and some rocks to go with it.
Leaving in its wake a wide path of destruction!


Or, perhaps just ruining an abandoned cottage on a deserted beach. I think somebody here flunked Prof. Godzilla's class at Marauding Monster U.

Well, a ruined beach cottage may mean little to you or me, but if there's one thing I've learned in my gay life, it's "don't **** with Jack Lingo." Immediately, Lingo gets on the horn and calls the Teen Titans.
What else could explain it? The beach is deserted; who the heck could be alerting the Teen Titans at Big Rock Candy Mountain? I think this kind of thing is where Morrison gets his idea that the DCU itself is sentient: it apparently simply, somehow, informs the requisite heroes to save it whenever its under attack.

Fortunately for this poor, deserted beach, Speedy is hanging out at Big Rocky Candy Mountain, trying to avoid being seen with Green Arrow, and calls the Scooby gang to help.

Want to vote on the meaning of that fourth visi-screen?

1. It's Robin, who almost always ignores calls from Speedy or Aqualad.
2. It's Superboy, after the Siegels got to him.
3. It's the head of Pantha, recently disconnected.
4. Speedy forgot to make the switch to digital tv.

"Speedy-o". Yes, this is Wally, during his "dye my hair black and hang out with beatniks at coffee houses" phase, which followed his "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase, and preceded his "Republican A-hole" phase, which itself was followed by his "man-tramp" phase, and his second "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase.

Anyway, Speedy issues the call for action.

What, no "JLA Condition Amber"? I'm disappointed. But that's okay; that set of directions more than makes up for it.

So, they rendezvous at, um, Section CBD ("Cartoon Beach, Deserted"), and attack Spooky, the Marauding Marinebot. Naturally, everyone's favorite, Aqualad, leads the charge with an inspiring battle-cry that would strike fear into the CPU of any marauding robot.

"Let me just... hug this vaguely phallic protrusion... until it... submits!" See, this is what happens when you indulge in too much sweet, sweet octopus love: you start humping anything even remotely tentacular. But this ain't gentle Topo, and Spooky the Marauding Marinebot turns out to be more than Aqualad can handle...
Spooky, disgusted with Aqualad's wussiness, deals with him accordingly.


Oops.
Do you get the sense Aqualad's used to this kind of thing?

"Dude; I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing we did!"

Well, at this point Spooky's destroyed an abandoned beach cottage and made a fool out of Aqualad by using him as a frisbee, so he figures it's time to call it a day.

Note how its thrashing limbs are in exact the same position as when it exited the sea, but there's no trees around anymore. I love Filmation!Okay! Now it's in Aqualad's element! Now it's going to be a different story! Now Spooky's in for a real bruising! Besides, Aqualad's got to compensate for having just been used as a beach frisbee, particularly since that annoying faux hipster, Wally, is always dogging him and giving him that deadpan "I can't believe I'm being seen with a dork like you" look. "Check! We'll follow in the 'copter, so we're close enough to see your inevitable humiliation but still far away enough not to be associated with you!"

Sneer all you want, Maynard G.! Aqualad's in his element now, and going to take advantage of home court to use his aqua-strength and speed, and maybe get some assistance from his piscine allies!
Damned elusive automata! Garth'll show 'em what for!


Oops.


Hey, Garth; Aquaman called. He's just traded you to Green Lantern for Pieface and a stewardess to be named later.

As Aqualad the Human Frisbee bounces headfirst off coral formations, the Teen Titans try desperately to record his humiliation for later posting on DCU-Tube.


Yeah, where is Aqualad? Probably formulating another plan of attack. Probably rallying the denizens of the sea to his aid. Probably...enjoying sweet, sweet octopus love in the embrace of "Leggy"!

AH! My eyes! It burns!!! Yet I can't look away; do you see the mating tentacle? Where is it? No, never mind; I don't want to know.

Anyway, like most men, Aqualad is off as soon as he's had his fun.
Poor Leggy: "C--call me, Garth!" Sh'yeah, as if. Don't worry, Leggy; there's lot of good fish in the sea.

Besides, Aqualad has a job to do, and with a new tactic in mind, he begins his assault against Spooky, in a daring and ingenious ploy that--

Oops.

It's kind of cute that Aqualad is stupid enough to be surprised every time he screws up. Oh, and for your trivia buff's, Garth does have a last name: Fubar.

Fortunately, this all happens underwater. Fortunately, Aqualad's teammates can't witness this repeated humiliation. Fortunately, no one on DCU-Tube will see Garth Fubar screaming like a helpless little girl...

Oops.

Really, if Venus were merciful, wouldn't she just kill him right then and there? "Aqualad's in trouble"; yeah, there's a real newsflash. Face it, Garth, you're the "Daphne" of the Teen Titans.

Naturally, the rest of Mystery Inc. have to save Aqualad; Speedy provides a tripwire and Kid Flash just pushes the dang robot over. Aqualad, of course, does one of his Maxwell Smart -style recoveries and pretends it was all part of his plan and that he's in charge.

Talk about denial; get some therapy, Garth.

Unfortunately, Aqualad's already been captured by Spooky the Marauding Marinebot so many times that he's suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and can't hide his distress that they've "killed" it and cries out:

Garth; it's pretty bad when you're on a first name basis with your abusive kidnapper. Unless it's Tula.
"You killed Spooky! Damn you, Wally! With your cool lingo, and dyed hair, and blank uncaring eyeslits! I hate you. I curse you. Someday may you be depowered and suffer from asthma, unable to replace your dead mentor, forgotten by readers, and ridiculed by bloggers, while I, on the other hand, have my own title, membership in the JLA, and a wife and two kids!"

By this point, Wonder Girl, the Competent One, is fed up with all this hoo-hah and wants to get back to some real men, like Mer-boy and Bird-boy, so she decides to simply beat the crap out of all the other robots and the ship they rode in on. Meanwhile, useless Aqualad envies her jewelry while Wally, never missing an opportunity to show up Garth, decides that what he really wants to do is direct.


"You read my mind, Kid Flash!" is womenspeak for "Shut yer bloody man-yap, you poseur; I'm an actual warrior who knows what she'd doing!"
"Groovy!" Three guesses who said that.

So, with the danger averted, the Teen Titans pose for a Gap commercial


and Wonder Girl takes her leave of her loser colleagues.

"I wish-- I wish I had a home to head to, instead of a cave that I've littered with various jetsam..."

And Aqualad says good-bye to us all.