Aqualiens

Recently, I asked whether the new "Emperor Aquaman" direction, in which Arthur uses newfound abilities to reach out to the seas on other planets was sustainable.   Well, some back-reading reminded me that Aquaman used to encounter aliens ALL THE TIME in the Silver Age.

Aquaman #1 Features annoying pest Quisp and the truly dangerous Fire Trolls who are from "another sea beneath the sea".  It's still on earth but is very "otherworldly".

Note that right from the start Aquaman covers would always tout the LENGTH of the stories. That's because Aquaman had previously been mostly a back-up feature and only appeared in short stories.  If you really a lot of Silver Age Aquaman, you might come to the conclusion that Aquaman was better served by shorter stories, since many Aquaman stories are needlessly contrived and drawn out.  It is, however, probably why Aquaman quickly got epic, world-building stories like meeting and marrying Mera and later having a baby with her.

Aquaman #4. Aquaman deals with scientists from the planet Suvia.

When your voice is as rich and impactful as Aquaman's, you do your OWN narration.

Aquaman #8. Aliens from the planet Phrygia plot to steal Earth's seas. 

Ah, Aqualad; always a ray of sunshine.

Phyrgia the country is actually a real place on earth (or, rather, was, in the 10th through 7th centuries BCE in Anatolia).  Had all those Cybele cultists.  It's where Eclipso buys his hats.

No wonder he stays in the dark.

Aquaman #10. Introduces Mera, a overthrown queen from ANOTHER DIMENSION. "Dimension Aqua", which sounds as though it should be outfitted in glorious mid-century plastic chic, like an underwater Howard Johnson's. 

You'd miss Howard Johnson's, if you'd ever been there.

Alas, Dimension Aqua was just a figurative and literal backwater.

Originally "Xebel" was just the name of a scientist in Dimension Aqua.
Also... Mera has giant webbed feet, doesn't she? She is definitely an alien.

Aquaman #12. Aquaman is kidnapped by aliens to participate in galactic aqua-gladiator fights.

The novelettes are thrilling because Aqualad's not actually in them.

Aquaman #16. Aquaman falls afoul of an alien gang.

Mera is so dumb, that "alien shapeshifter" never occurs to her.  This is what happens when you are from the boonies like Dimension Aqua. 

Aquaman #24. Unnamed aliens hire the Terrible Trio II to destroy earth's water.

Do NOT confuse The Terrible Trio II, who are schlubs, with the Awesome Threesome, who are, appropriately, awesome.

By this point, aliens are so common in Aquaman stories that the writers don't even take time to name them. They might as well be tourists gawking in Manhattan.

Aquaman #27. Xen the alien collects sea creatures for his zoo.  You may remember that this plot was recycled into Episode 5 of Filmation's Aquaman cartoon, "The Sea Raiders".

"WE HAVE CAPTURED A BIG-HEADED PURPLE-EYED FREAK! EXCELLENT!"

Gods bless Mark Waid for....

...remembering that even though Aqualad is a heartthrob he is STILL

 an easily overwhelmed, fearful purple-eyed big-headed FREAK.

Why I leave captioning on:

Because it gives me things like this:

Aqualad is the Devil

Show of hands....

if you have a choice between holding hands with Aqualad and singing songs 

and simply surrendering to the deep blue sea,
which would you choose?

Tempest in a Teen Spot

So...

Tempest is coming back.

I really don't want to be negative about this; I mean, I have nothing against Tempest personally.

Okay; that's a bald-faced lie. Tempest -- "Garth" -- is a mess and always has been. Before he was Tempest he was Aqualad, a big-headed purple-eye freak, rejected by society, crippled by fear and doubt, and riddled with insecurities. And that was in the days when sidekicks were plucky, adventuresome lads. Those were his best days.

Then he fell under the sexual thrall of Aqua-Chick, becoming the whipped scream atop her hot java of love. Then, after she went to the big fish fry in the sky, he was reduced to being the ninth wheel in Marv Wolfman's superpowered DeGrassi spin-off called "The New Teen Titans". And he was now named "Garth". Garth. Hanging out with "Gar(field)". Wolfman, these are superpowerful heroic beings, not housecats. I should get housecats and name them Garth and Gar Garling. Except I don't like cats, any more than Wolfman seems to have liked either Garth or Gar, the perennial scrubs on a team of BMOCs.

As if naming him "Garth" weren't bad enough, he re-codenamed him "Tempest", probably because (1) it sounds really angsty and (2) Wolfman never got the chance to give Marvel's "Storm" that little brother she always wanted. Your opinion is sought: is it a step UP or DOWN to go from writing the Howard the Duck newspaper strip to writing the adventures of Garth Tempest?

Who, by the way, now had the same powers as, well ... as Zook, the Martian Manhunter's pidgin-paroling pet from the later Silver Age, making him about as scary as the repairman from RJH Heating & Cooling. Oh, but, those powers were... magical. And now Garth has a tatoo. A magical tatoo. "Tempest" seems less like a DC superhero than a collaboration between J.K. Rowling and Satoshi Tajiri.

Then after the New Teen Titans disintegrated -- as squabbling teenagers will do, despite their teary-eyed professions that "You're my real family!"-- Garth became the whimpering whipped boy of another aqua-chick, the Daisy Duke of the Sea, Dolphin, who was one of Aquaman's cast-offs. Icky. Dude; have you not heard that there's lot of good fish in the sea?

When Tad Williams got his hands on the aqua-cast he had the guts to recognize what "Garth" was: a feeb, and he portrayed him as such. A powerless underwater asmatic suffering from stress-related aging? Perfect.

But now "Tempest" is coming back, and he's still wearing his ice-skating costume. Say what you want about Pozner's Aquaman suit (on which Tempest's is based), but at least it was remotely defensible as camouflage. Tempest's outfit is not even remotely defensible as camouflage, except in those few stories set at the ISU Championship or Cirque Du Soleil. ("Surround by water===frozen water! Will Tempest find a way to breathe easy and survive... the Rink of Doom!?")

At least one good thing can be said about his comeback, based on that cover; he appears to have drowned Roy.

Aqualad v. the Monster Machine

It's the incomparable Aqualad, starring in....

(God bless the late George Kashdan!)

It begins one quiet morning when an awesome creature rears up out of the sea and strides up onto a deserted beach!

See? I told you.

By the way, fabulous marauding robot design, huh? That one used to date the Spider-Slayer, I think. Note how its thrashing limbs imitate the form of the dead trees that line the deserted beach, making a mockery of nature, saying, "I, a lifeless machine, am more alive than you, organic lifeform!". Spooky!

So Spooky the Marauding Marinebot starts to throw a hissy and some rocks to go with it.
Leaving in its wake a wide path of destruction!


Or, perhaps just ruining an abandoned cottage on a deserted beach. I think somebody here flunked Prof. Godzilla's class at Marauding Monster U.

Well, a ruined beach cottage may mean little to you or me, but if there's one thing I've learned in my gay life, it's "don't **** with Jack Lingo." Immediately, Lingo gets on the horn and calls the Teen Titans.
What else could explain it? The beach is deserted; who the heck could be alerting the Teen Titans at Big Rock Candy Mountain? I think this kind of thing is where Morrison gets his idea that the DCU itself is sentient: it apparently simply, somehow, informs the requisite heroes to save it whenever its under attack.

Fortunately for this poor, deserted beach, Speedy is hanging out at Big Rocky Candy Mountain, trying to avoid being seen with Green Arrow, and calls the Scooby gang to help.

Want to vote on the meaning of that fourth visi-screen?

1. It's Robin, who almost always ignores calls from Speedy or Aqualad.
2. It's Superboy, after the Siegels got to him.
3. It's the head of Pantha, recently disconnected.
4. Speedy forgot to make the switch to digital tv.

"Speedy-o". Yes, this is Wally, during his "dye my hair black and hang out with beatniks at coffee houses" phase, which followed his "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase, and preceded his "Republican A-hole" phase, which itself was followed by his "man-tramp" phase, and his second "I'll imitate my uncle the science dweeb" phase.

Anyway, Speedy issues the call for action.

What, no "JLA Condition Amber"? I'm disappointed. But that's okay; that set of directions more than makes up for it.

So, they rendezvous at, um, Section CBD ("Cartoon Beach, Deserted"), and attack Spooky, the Marauding Marinebot. Naturally, everyone's favorite, Aqualad, leads the charge with an inspiring battle-cry that would strike fear into the CPU of any marauding robot.

"Let me just... hug this vaguely phallic protrusion... until it... submits!" See, this is what happens when you indulge in too much sweet, sweet octopus love: you start humping anything even remotely tentacular. But this ain't gentle Topo, and Spooky the Marauding Marinebot turns out to be more than Aqualad can handle...
Spooky, disgusted with Aqualad's wussiness, deals with him accordingly.


Oops.
Do you get the sense Aqualad's used to this kind of thing?

"Dude; I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing we did!"

Well, at this point Spooky's destroyed an abandoned beach cottage and made a fool out of Aqualad by using him as a frisbee, so he figures it's time to call it a day.

Note how its thrashing limbs are in exact the same position as when it exited the sea, but there's no trees around anymore. I love Filmation!Okay! Now it's in Aqualad's element! Now it's going to be a different story! Now Spooky's in for a real bruising! Besides, Aqualad's got to compensate for having just been used as a beach frisbee, particularly since that annoying faux hipster, Wally, is always dogging him and giving him that deadpan "I can't believe I'm being seen with a dork like you" look. "Check! We'll follow in the 'copter, so we're close enough to see your inevitable humiliation but still far away enough not to be associated with you!"

Sneer all you want, Maynard G.! Aqualad's in his element now, and going to take advantage of home court to use his aqua-strength and speed, and maybe get some assistance from his piscine allies!
Damned elusive automata! Garth'll show 'em what for!


Oops.


Hey, Garth; Aquaman called. He's just traded you to Green Lantern for Pieface and a stewardess to be named later.

As Aqualad the Human Frisbee bounces headfirst off coral formations, the Teen Titans try desperately to record his humiliation for later posting on DCU-Tube.


Yeah, where is Aqualad? Probably formulating another plan of attack. Probably rallying the denizens of the sea to his aid. Probably...enjoying sweet, sweet octopus love in the embrace of "Leggy"!

AH! My eyes! It burns!!! Yet I can't look away; do you see the mating tentacle? Where is it? No, never mind; I don't want to know.

Anyway, like most men, Aqualad is off as soon as he's had his fun.
Poor Leggy: "C--call me, Garth!" Sh'yeah, as if. Don't worry, Leggy; there's lot of good fish in the sea.

Besides, Aqualad has a job to do, and with a new tactic in mind, he begins his assault against Spooky, in a daring and ingenious ploy that--

Oops.

It's kind of cute that Aqualad is stupid enough to be surprised every time he screws up. Oh, and for your trivia buff's, Garth does have a last name: Fubar.

Fortunately, this all happens underwater. Fortunately, Aqualad's teammates can't witness this repeated humiliation. Fortunately, no one on DCU-Tube will see Garth Fubar screaming like a helpless little girl...

Oops.

Really, if Venus were merciful, wouldn't she just kill him right then and there? "Aqualad's in trouble"; yeah, there's a real newsflash. Face it, Garth, you're the "Daphne" of the Teen Titans.

Naturally, the rest of Mystery Inc. have to save Aqualad; Speedy provides a tripwire and Kid Flash just pushes the dang robot over. Aqualad, of course, does one of his Maxwell Smart -style recoveries and pretends it was all part of his plan and that he's in charge.

Talk about denial; get some therapy, Garth.

Unfortunately, Aqualad's already been captured by Spooky the Marauding Marinebot so many times that he's suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and can't hide his distress that they've "killed" it and cries out:

Garth; it's pretty bad when you're on a first name basis with your abusive kidnapper. Unless it's Tula.
"You killed Spooky! Damn you, Wally! With your cool lingo, and dyed hair, and blank uncaring eyeslits! I hate you. I curse you. Someday may you be depowered and suffer from asthma, unable to replace your dead mentor, forgotten by readers, and ridiculed by bloggers, while I, on the other hand, have my own title, membership in the JLA, and a wife and two kids!"

By this point, Wonder Girl, the Competent One, is fed up with all this hoo-hah and wants to get back to some real men, like Mer-boy and Bird-boy, so she decides to simply beat the crap out of all the other robots and the ship they rode in on. Meanwhile, useless Aqualad envies her jewelry while Wally, never missing an opportunity to show up Garth, decides that what he really wants to do is direct.


"You read my mind, Kid Flash!" is womenspeak for "Shut yer bloody man-yap, you poseur; I'm an actual warrior who knows what she'd doing!"
"Groovy!" Three guesses who said that.

So, with the danger averted, the Teen Titans pose for a Gap commercial


and Wonder Girl takes her leave of her loser colleagues.

"I wish-- I wish I had a home to head to, instead of a cave that I've littered with various jetsam..."

And Aqualad says good-bye to us all.

We're doomed, Gulliver.

Do you remember Glum?

Probably not, unless you are of "a certain age".

During the Golden Age of Hanna-Barbera (1968 - 1970), there was a show called the Adventures of Gulliver, an animated version of Gulliver's adventures with the tiny Lilliputians. It was one of the cartoon features on the live-action "Banana Splits" kids show.

Now, the show had some interesting Lilliputians (such as Bunco, Eager, and the unfortunately named Flirtacia), but everyone who's seen the show remembers one of them much more than the others: Glum.

Voiced by the great Herb Vigan, Glum was the most pessimistic cartoon character of all time. Glum made Bad Luck Schleprock look like Richie Rich. Glum made Eeyore look like laughing Little Audrey. Once you've heard it, you never forget the pitiless, hopeless sound of Glum announcing flatly,"

"We doomed. We'll never get out of here alive."

Ironically, the voice of the can-do Gulliver was none other than Jerry Dexter -- the voice of Aqualad from the Filmation cartoons. I say ironic because Aqualad is the "Glum" of the DCU.

I have, most of you recall, mentioned this little failing of Aqualad's before. But I'm not sure everyone believes me... .

Now, we could blame Aqualad's doom-saying on the writers and the exigencies of story-telling. Aqualad's pessimism is part of his function in any Aquaman story, because Aqualad is mostly there to make Aquaman look good.

Whenever something happens, Aqualad has no answer for it or understanding of it. Aquaman figures it out. Whenever they are threatened, Aqualad announces that the problem is unsolvable. Then Aquaman solves it. Aqualad is used merely as a literary device to cue the readers on what their attitudes and viewpoints about the hero should be. "Neither you nor young Aqualad can see a way out of this; but Aquaman can. Isn't he cool?"

Poor Supergirl served a similar function for a long time for Superman. Read the Silver Age Supergirl stories; the basic schtick was that Supergirl's existence had to be kept secret because she didn't know how to use her powers while still keeping her civilian identity secret. She had all of Superman's powers and abilities, but wasn't able to use them with adult wisdom and restraint. Thus, the Man kept her down, shackled by her brown artificial pigtails to her broken metal bed at the orphanage.

Aqualad (as I've mentioned before) is the not really the underwater Robin; he's the underwater Supergirl. Just like Supergirl, he has all the powers of his mentor. Yes, including telepathic command of fish. What he lacks isn't power, but wisdom, ingenuity, and a can-do attitude.

And, if scanning time and post space allowed, I could show you about a 1000 panels of Aqualad saying, "What's happening?" or "What are you doing, Aquaman?" Poor Aqualad never seems to have the slightest idea what's going on (unless it's impending doom; he recognizes that right away).

Robin and Speedy got treated much better than this. Often, they were the ones who pointed out what was going on, and their mentor would come up with the solution. Or, as soon as their mentor suggested a course of action or began one, they would pipe in immediately with, "I get it! By aiming out framarang arrows at the dynamo, we can create a field fluctuation that will draw their bullets off target!", or some such.

But Aqualad was always defeated, surprised, duped, and afraid. It wasn't his powers that made him a fifth wheel in the Titans, I think; it was his unshakable characterization as a terrified incompetent goofus that did it.



Is this a necessity? Is it, by now, intrinsic to Aqualad's character? Do the transdimensional vibrations from the Earths of the DCU simply not permit Aqualad to be portrayed as competent? Or is it because, having created a unique niche among sidekicks (former and current), it's the only hole into which the Aqualad peg fits squarely?

Sleepy-eyed cutie Phil Jimenez tried to bad-assifying Aqualad with his "Tempest" transformation. Regardless of the relative merits of that attempt, that characterization hasn't seem to catch fire. Maybe it's just me, but my principal memories of Tempest are:

• Tempest gets pwned by Vandal Savage and stuffed into a kamikaze Rocket Red suit;
• Tempest accidently turns himself and Aquaman into fish.
• Tempest's revelation that Aquaman was physically abusive (!!!!)
• Tempest being "whipped" by his wife, Dolphin, who was his mentor's ex-girlfriend ("Next, on Jerry Springer...!)
• Tempest losing his powers and his ability to breathe unaided underwater.

Not the best track record. Perhaps there are other "Tempest rocks" stories that I'm overlooking, but, even so, it's fair to say Tempest hasn't been and isn't afforded the same kind of respect that Nightwing, Red Arrow, Wally West, and Donna Troy get. Or, for that matter, Jason Todd.

Should this be Aqualad's fate? Is Aqualad (I can never call him "Garth" without laughing) best as the uniquely Unsuccessful Hard-Luck Ex-Sidekick? Should Aqualad be redeemed as part of the (inevitable) return of the original Aquaman?

What do you think should be done with Aqualad?