Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, III

So, when we last left Jean Loring's brain, it was buffeting Aquaman around like a wet ragdoll, forcing Captain Comet to think about Thomas Aquinas, driving the Atom into a violent sexual frenzy, and indulging in an orgy of destruction by means of unnatural disasters.

Speaking of destructive orgies and the resultant unnatural disasters...

Wally will sleep with just about anybody, won't he?

Again?! You young people are insatiable!

Such is the madness that Jean Loring's brain inspires in others!

Meanwhile, Sigh.

Meanwhile, someone is...
watching Aquaman's ass get kicked, via one of those omnivident cams that Lex Luthor used to use on Challenge of the Super-Friends. You know, the kind that can watch whatever action the reader is seeing, no matter how unlikely it is that a camera would be able to zoom in on that action, at that angle, at that time. I don't know what they call in in the DCU, but in our world we call it "Google Earth".

But... who is watching Aquaman?!

Is it... this guy:
Nothing says high-tech like a fishtank full of Kirby dots and a digital crossword program.

Nope. That's just flashy Flashman and the Funky Bunch (a.k.a. the original Secret Society of Super-Villains).

For those (mercifully) not familiar with him, Funky Flashman, a cheap conman character, was a 70s-era DCU parody of Stan Lee. There’s one severe problem with that concept: you can’t parody Stan Lee. Stan Lee is one of those few people (like Sammy Davis, Jr.) who serves as his own parody. Parody is dependent on being able to exaggerate something’s characteristics to the point of being ridiculous. But that is where Stan Lee STARTS; there’s simply nowhere to go with a Stan Lee parody. As a result, Flunky Flashman isn’t a fun and naughty guilty pleasure; he’s just exactly as annoying as having Stan Lee running around inside your comic book story. C'mon, DC; even Marvel knows that Stan Lee should be limited to cameos. Absinthe is sipped from a cordial glass, not chugged from a keg.

Anyway, although Funky Flashman does have a spy-eye and is watching the Orgy of Destruction (tm), he and the Funky Bunch aren't paying any attention to Aquaman. They're all focused on Captain Comet, their arch-enemy. By the way, just for your own reference: if your arch-enemy is Captain Comet you just might be incredibly lame.

So is it perhaps... this guy:
It is time we used... an unnatural dramatic pause.

Nah, that's just Nameless Plot Device Guy from the fantastic underwater civilization of Lemuria. Duh!

What, you’ve never heard of the fantastic underwater civilization of Lemuria, the Atlantis of the Pacific, which has devoted itself to studying science in isolation, for the last one million years? Don’t feel bad; that’s because Lemuria had never been heard of before in the DCU and never since.

Actually, it's too bad; the idea of an antipodal competitor to Atlantis was a great one. And, unlike the DCU's other undersea cities, Lemuria was based on a real-world legend. Oh, well, I guess it was destroyed by wave of anti-matter; or a wave of Gil'Dishpan soldiers; or a wave of some writer's hand. Quite of lot of authorial hand-waving in this story actually.

For example: why are the Lemurians involved? Because Jean Loring, courtesy of her brain, just magically popped into one of their undersea cities a couple days ago. They recognized her instantly by her hopeless insanity:
Whaddaya mean, "at the moment"? Like, the last ten years?

No, it's not that Lemurian guy. Jeez, it's awkward to keep calling him "that Lemurian guy". I can't believe the writer didn't give him some name, or-- Oh, wait. That'll work! We'll call the undersea civilization's leader who enjoys watching Aquaman get his ass kicked ...


Anyway, it wasn't Name-Or, although he also does have spy-eye tech (even though he lives at the bottom of the ocean) and has been using it to record Aquaman getting his ass kicked by a tornado, and uploading the video to DCUTube.

So, if it wasn't Funky Flashman or Name-Or watching that screen... who WAS it?!?!

We'll find out in the next installment of ...