"Oh, Gladys, you won't believe what happened to me last weekend!
"So, there I was at the Skylight Spa-- you know, the one with all the statuary?-- getting my monthly mud-treatment, with the help of Edgar -- poor, deformed, otherwise unemployable Edgar. Such a sweet old man; he reminds me of my seventh grade shop teacher.
"Anyway, Edgar had lit the aromatherapy lantern and was giving me the Lazy Susan Special (tm) -- you know, the one with the straps, so you don't go flying?-- when that lunatic in the flag costume -- yes, the one who attacked those protesters down on the Mall -- kicks in the door and starts attacking the statues!
"Before I realized what was happening, he had broken one in half and was using it to pummel the other statues. Oh, but then it got worse: some crazed boy in a makeshift costume he must have cobbled together out of a used clothing bin crashes through the skylight with a maniacal grin on his face! Gladys, it was just horrible and I dashed out of there for my life, shaking off mud as I ran.
"And poor, poor Edgar. The doctors say he may never walk again..."