Everybody, sing along!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Haikuesday to bring you this message from the LORHP, sung to the tune of "The Pennsylvania Polka"...



Knocked off
her shoulders
by Superboy Prime:
the Rolling Head of Pantha!Gone from
ridic'lous
to wholly sublime:
the Rolling Head of Pantha!It's deader
than Spoiler
yet faster than Flash;
it's lamer than Black Manta!Everybody tries
but can't-a
to catch the head
rolling off of Pantha!

In Praise of Marvel

I come today, not to bury Marvel, but to praise it.

To praise Civil War. In fact, to praise Civil War for precisely the same reason many people are damning it: because it's boring.

Arguments over legislation? Boring? Welcome to Washington, folks!

Like many other Washingtonians, part of my career has involved participating in goings-on on the Hill (Capitol Hill, that is; the slaughteryards where tasty links of legislation are made). With all the political coverage on the teevee nowadays, you'd think anyone could develop a realistic sense of how this town works, without ever needing to live here, work here, or even visit here.

Yet, the many-headed media's fictional portrayals of Washington have more influence on most non-locals' idea of our national government than does any news coverage (which is sometimes fictional anyway).

People who don't live here but do watch movies and TV get silly ideas in their heads. That the president runs the government. That representatives have the nation's best interests at heart rather than their own. That the administrative branch is efficient enough and motivated enough to perpetrate large-scale, long-term conspiracies. That government is gripping and exciting. These are the kinds of things that make Washingtonians laugh long and hard.

Marvel, folks, is telling you like it is. Legislation is boring and vague. Frustrated that you don't know what the legislation is that the Marvel characters are arguing about because you haven't seen it? Ha! That's better than being frustrated that you don't know what the legislation is because you have seen it, which is exactly what happens when most normal people see a bill.

Irate because longtime comrades-in-arms are being put so easily at odds by a simple bill, because it seems unrealistic? Heh; sit in on a Republican discussion of illegal or legal immigration bills.

I read a description of the Big Two's big events this summer (on another blog, but I don't remember which one): Infinite Crisis is exciting but fantastically incomprehensible and Civil War is boring but excruciatingly realistic. Or something like that.

So, I applaud the realism of the honorable competition (for Quesada is an honorable man). I also applaud Marvel for doing what it does best: being different from DC, specifically, being more realistic.

Yes, I know a lot of you steadfastly turn a blind eye to any differences between the two companies, but fortunately that doesn't erase them.

In IC, all of DC's heroes stop fighting one another are start fighting all the villains; in CW, all of Marvel's heroes stop fighting villains and start fighting one another. DC is busy heightening the differences between heroes and villains and sharpening the contrast between Good and Evil; meanwhile, Marvel asserts there is no right or wrong in the problem its posing, that real issues are inherently grey. As ever, Marvel strives to reflect our world, and DC to illuminate it.

Both purposes are potentially good, useful, and interesting, by the way (even if I personally enjoy one more than the other).

So read Civil War. And if you find it boring, or it frustrates you because there's no simple answer ...

good. Because that is how the world is.

DC's Greatest Mother

Who's DC's greatest mother, in my book? No, not Hippolyta, although she sure is a close second, and I miss her.

No, I'm referring to the one, the only...

Mary West.

You know; Wally's mother.

Why is Mary West cool? Well, for one thing, she's a real person. She's not a prize-winning physicist, software company CEO, high-powered District Attorney, or tenured archeologist. She has no superpowers, not even any particular talents. She didn't put a pot on her head to keep her neighborhood safe during the depression. The Cosmic Control Rod was not needed when she gave birth. She is (or was) a "mere suburban housewife."

Oh, and she married a complete jerk, Rudy West. Who, aside from being a professional jerk and ne'er-do-well, also had a hobby as a collaborator with the Manhunters. Then he tried to drown Mary at sea. Mary sure can pick 'em.

Wally lied to her, remember, during his entire adolescence, keeping his Kid Flash identity a secret from her.

In fact, she's not even a very nice mom, really. Mary wasn't supportive of Wally's superheroics, didn't sew him a costume out of his baby blankets, and actively criticized him for focusing on other people's problems instead of his own. She was a shrill nag who freeloaded off of Wally when he became rich.

Then she started "borrowing" his JLI teleportation tube to go jet-setting all around the world, shacking up with some old Italian spy guy, and vanishing from Wally's life, which was fine by him, since he (punk that he is) didn't even want her at his own wedding.

GODS, I miss that woman.

Why? Because she was a realistic person, who, though flawed, loved her son and had his best interests at heart. Even though he never appreciated her, listened to her, or tried to understand her. And when it became clear that he was old enough to take care of himself (whether he did so or not), she said, "I've lived my whole life for my family, with little success of reward; now I deserve to live life for myself." And she did.

Mary West; Wally may not miss you, but I do.

Happy Mother's Day.

What The Monkey Wants

The Monkey wants your opinion on comics' greatest mother of them all.

The Monkey wants to know, "What's the stupidest thing Aqualad ever said?"

The Monkey wants your view on JLU and its final episode.

The Monkey wants your verdict on Peter David and Spiderman.

The Monkey answers the question, "Y?"

The Joker

It was strange in a way that nothing of its kind has ever quite been:

the Joker.

Not the Joker; The Joker, a series starring the Clown Prince of Crime that lasted only 9 issues some 3o years ago.

The Joker was part of the DC Explosion (now known more commonly by its cacophemism, "the DC Implosion"). Now, it's one thing to make an out-and-out villain the star of an on-going series; this was the first time DC did so. But to do so with DC's most infamous and utterly irredeemable villain?

Crazy.

To star in his own comic, the Joker had to make the biggest character shift of all: going from antagonist to protagonist. He's not the only character who had trouble making this shift, but we'll talk more about that as a broader phenomenon later.

Joker had to go to Serial Killers Anonymous to star for the duration of his book; why, he barely killed 2 or 3 people, I think, during the whole series. Well, at least one of them was an innocent nightwatchmen, burned alive by a trick cigarette lighter; that's gotta count for extra points.

Boy, don't you hate it when a perfectly bad villain is ruined, defanged just so they can have their own series?

The stories ranged from Bad to Embarrassingly Awful, although some of the bad ones were fun, in a crazy sort of way. Fun guest stars, too: Luthor, Sherlock Holmes (!), the Scarecrow, the Royal Flush Gang, Catwoman.

You'd think that the only meeting between the Joker and the Creeper (that I know of, anyway) would be one of the greatest stories in DC's history (Joker #3). It is, in fact, perhaps the worst story I have ever read (and I've read the JLA Detroit) and proof positive (if further proof were needed) that Denny O'Neill really just cannot write. In one of DC's least comprehensible editorial decisions of all time, THAT was the story they chose to include in the "Greatest Joker Stories Ever Told". I can only assume they let the Joker himself edit that volume.

The series was hobbled by the Comics Code; at the end of every issue, the Joker had to be caught or his imminent capture implicated. If you think Arkham seems like a revolving door to you now, you should have seen it in 1975-76; the Joker had a secret hideout beneath his cell at the Asylum (mostly so he could watch TV, it seemed).
And the art, well, just by looking at the covers you can watch the deterioration. Such a pity; imagine what such a series might be like today.

But the series had many ludicrous joys, such as the Ha-Hacienda, the Ho-Ho-Home-on-Wheels, crooked entymologists, mind-swapping, pet hyenas, and, of course, the Shadrach/Mischach/and Abendego of Denominated Henchman, Southpaw, Tooth and Blue-Eyes.

Maddeningly, the tenth issue of the Joker was never published. According to the letter columns, its story was to be titled "99 and 44/100 Percent Dead!", and it was to guest-star ...

the Justice League.

I cannot for the life of me imagine what that story would have been.

But I have lain awake nights for the last 30 years trying to.

Composite Composition

I've seen some pretty creepy things in comics: Vertigo horror scenes, Jonah Hex body counts, and the costumes designs of Todd McFarlane.

But I have never

ever

seen a panel that creeped me out more than this one, a panel that still haunts me decades after first seeing it:

That's not the Joker in the foreground; it's the nightmarishly powerful Composite Superman himself, disguised as a statue of the Joker housed in the Batcave.

You can criticize the drawing technique and anatomical accuracy of the Old Comic Masters all you want ... but they understood composition. Oh, yes.

The Ultra-Dynamo's Super Power

Must ... have ... DRAMA!


Starman, as always, delivers. Dr. Doog, easily recognizable by his trademark Yellow Bathrobe of Doom, prepares to throttle up the old Ultra-Dynamo.

Even one such panel from the brilliant Jack Burnley can serve as a primer on Creating a Dramatic Comic Book Panel. Light from below and use chiaroscuro. Use severe changes in font size to impart power to phrases. Catch characters poised just on the verge of action. Mysterious machinery in the background is good, particularly if it has a hyperbolic name and unspecified powers. Proximity is frightening; always place evil nearby, such as in the next room.

But what really interests me in this panel is the use of the word "super power". It hasn't become one word yet, and it isn't being applied to a person's abilities. Still, it's the first use of that phrase I can remember (it's from April 1941); are there any earlier ones that you know of?

Hal's Revenge on Me

1. Unlikely coincidence; or

2. The Big Monkey website has achieved a rudimentary sentience based on my own consciousness; or

3. Hal has used his ring to access the Earth Prime internet and monkey with my business website.


You be the judge:

Marv-elous

What's worse than Marv Wolfman's dialog?

"Kal-El was asleep when his world exploded. His only memories were
of shifting back and forth in the soft, protective confines of his
mother's womb, dreaming of the gentle sounds she made. They were
encouraging songs and tender coos that let him know how much he was
already loved. As she sang, he knew her hand would gently brush
against her swollen abdomen then come to rest on his small, bulging
stomach. He anxiously waited for that all-too-brief moment, hoping
that very soon he would look into her eyes and let her know he loved
her, too."

His prose. Well, not really, but almost. In case you're wondering that's from the forthcoming novelization of Superman Returns. Who in their right mind let the DC's worst writer in the last 30 years novelize Superman Returns? Was Bob Haney not available?

Spin-Off Heaven!

Inspired by Blockade Boy's amusing catalog of the contents of Tony Stark's briefcase, I'm soliciting your help in compiling a list of what one-shots and miniseries from the whole Infinite Crisis hoo-ha we demand from DC. Because, heaven knows, one can never have too many ancillary tie-in books. As my Great-grandmother Ostendorf used to say, "When you milk a cow, milk it dry."

Here, in no particular order, are my Top Ten IC Spin-offs I Feel I Deserve for seven months of faithfully shelling out sheckels to watch Old Superman and Crazy Superboy act like self-centered jackasses:

1. "Waughed Out!", with every excruciating detail of the Venom-doped, V9-hopped Penguin's breakout from Blackgate.

2. The Rolling Head of Pantha, the Animated Series.

3. Limbo Boys Power Happy Sharing Time, the 500-page manga novel of what really happened when Alex Luthor disrobed in order to share his power with Superboy Prime.

4. The Power of Nyuck!, a Parobeckian romp in which Black Adam joins with Captain Marvel and CMJunior to form a Three Stooges tribute act.

5. Dr. Psycho's How to Control Friends and Eliminate People, in which Dr. Psycho embarrasses characters that readers take too seriously, then makes them jump off a building. C'mon; tell me you wouldn't enjoy seeing Deathstroke think he's a chicken... .

6. The Secret Sex. DCU's mysterious cadre of superpowered drag queens raid the closets of the recently exploded Looker. But what is Alan Scott's real agenda...?

7. DC's Fiction 500. Every issue is a mock annual report from one of DC's fictional companies, featured so charmingly on the 52 website.

8. The World Famous Mr. Orca, a light-hearted domestic comedy about a geeky amateur detective, his buxom supervillainous wife, and their circle of wacky gay friends.

9. Full House, the on-going adventures of Amos Fortune, his gal pal Roulette, and their rowdy brood of Royal Flush Gangsters.

10. The Green Lantern Bore, a monthly series with nothing but scenes of the 50 GLs who guard Superboy Prime talking to each other about regulations, sector gossip, and how their butts look. I won't buy it, of course, but I want the GL fans to suffer... . More, I mean.

Care to add any to the list...?

The Plot Threads of Damocles

Okay, it's been years now, but thanks to Mike at Progressive Ruin, I can't hold back any longer.

Mike points out that there's a dangling plot thread in Superman and one in Swamp Thing that drive him crazy. My personal plot thread of Damocles is the one where Lois's mother has a fatal disease for which -- duhn duhn DAH!-- only Lex Luthor has the cure. Once idea that was established, it was completely forgotten. Did Lois's mother die? Did Superman pull an all nighter with Kelex at the Fortress, whipping up an miracle drug? Did Lois put on a French maid's costume and table dance for Lex just to save her mom? I will never know.

Abruptly abandoned subplots, unsolved mysteries, and disappearing characters are the annoying manifestations of one of my big gripes with today's comics: writers are changed too frequently and editors do t0o little to ensure continuity when the shift is made.

In fact, sometimes change becomes the point. i understand that this may lead to a short-term spike in sales, but it damages the long-term mythmaking of the character. Much of the Batman and Superman mythoi were developed during long periods with the same writer/editor. Nowadays, a writer is brought on to tell "his arc" and then shuffles along.

This may work for more established characters like Batman and Superman, but this phenomenon keeps undercutting the long-term development of characters like Wonder Woman, Flash, Hawkman, and Aquaman. Wonder Woman and Flash change their entire supporting cast every time they get a new writer, for goodness sake.

"Aquaman" is now the common name of what is essentially four of five different characters (Topo's Pal, the King of Atlantis, Hookhand, Waterhand, and Sword Guy), putting "his" fans at odds with one another. Now, that kind of thing can happen with a Batman, too ("I like happy Batman"; "I like psycho Batman"), but I feel that those difference are more ones of degree than of kind.

In the Green Lantern realm, instead of letting a character grow, editors just replace him with someone else. 1940s Entrepeneur/Action Hero Alan Scott is replaced by 1950s/60s Company Man Hal Jordan is replaced by 1970s Liberal Rebel John Stewart is replaced by 1980s Bad-Ass Guy Gardner is replaced by 1990s Party Boy Kyle Rayner.

When a good writer is tasked to revitalize a character (like GA, GL, Hawkman, et al.), what do they do: they go back and start at the last point when the character was the result of long-term consistent mythmaking. Hal Jordan has to be brought back to the Top Gun shtick, Ollie Queen returns to millionaire philanthropist and civic figure, and Hawkman becomes Carter Hall, tough guy archeologist.

Is it so hard to learn a lesson from all this? Do not change the myth; the long term problems it causes for the character outweigh the short term gains.

Instead, expand the myth so that it contains more elements that more people can identify with. Batman remains a popular figure because he can credibly be Detective Batman, Streetfighter Batman, Superhero Batman, Spooky Batman, and Head of the Batman Family from one moment to the next without it seeming too jarring; Batman is all those things.

Anyway, back to what this post was originally supposed to be about (which is basically stolen from Mike...):

what are the dangling plot threads for your favorite characters that have been driving you crazy all these years?

Prison Rhythm

You've been framed. For murder one.

You're in prison, with no resources. What do you do?

If you're a hero of Batman's calibre ...

you haiku.

I've got to prove I'm
innocent. What's that noise there?
The stone--sliding out ... .

What haiku would you compose to comfort Bruce or describe his situation?

Lancelot Links

The Rolling Head of Pantha and Captain America are neck and neck. So to speak.

What do you want from Batwoman?

DC's Fiction 500.

FCBD pics from Georgetown.

Artist Wanted

My friend Charlie at Xion Studios needs an artist for his comic book. Could that artist be ... YOU?!

• Wanted: penciler, pref. cartoony/animated/Bruce Timm style, but will accept submissions from just about anyone
• Pro or amateur
• The comic is likely to be published through Image, though that is not set in stone.
• Need to see covers/splash pages, and at least 5 sequential pages
• Prefer images be zipped or stuffed into a single file & uploaded at this site or emailed to this address.
• More info to be posted at Xion in the near future!

Attempt Ninety-Seven Unsuccessful

In titling a previous post, I refered obliquely to Tim Drake's (Robin's) on-going attempts to reproduce the cloning experiment that created Connor Kent (Superboy).

Today, however, it occurred to me that it's quite possible -- even likely -- that Tim is not trying to create a Superboy clone.

Connor was Tim's best friend, true enough. But Superboy was created by Lex Luthor to be a weapon, and he was. Through some vague sci-fi "pre-programming", Lex was able to control Superboy to attack his foes. Superboy broke Tim's arm, in fact. One remembers things like that.

Furthermore, while Superboy Prime was a million times more powerful than Superboy, it was still a Superboy whom Robin watched kill scores of editorially unnecessary Titans, ensuring the everlasting fame of the Rolling Head of Pantha. One remembers things like that, too.

In the year before OYL, Superman, the logical person to stop a Superboy run amok, has been powerless and out of commission. Meanwhile, the Brotherhood of Evil has been stealing cloning technology and personnel, ostensibly to make a new body for the Brain, but with who know what other goal in mind.


I don't think Robin is to trying recreate Superboy.

I think he's trying to make sure no one else can.

Everything's Archie

I understand the multiverse. I understand hypertime. I understand dog behaviors, ancient Greek poetry, subatomic theory, Jungian archtypes, Silver Age science, and the popularity of Tony Danza. Such is the power of my mind that, with a bit of application, little is beyond its understanding.

Riverdale, however, is far, far beyond my comprehension.


My free comic on Free Comic Book Day, you see, was the Archie 65th Anniversary Bash. Light. Fun. Cheery. Or so I thought ... !

But first -- kudos is deserved by the publishers of Archie Comics, who (unlike all the other companies, I believe) actually created a comic specifically for the event with the sole purpose of introducing to firsttime readers the essential characters and elements of their line. If all companies did that, FCBD could be more focused on introducing comics to new readers rather than giving free comics to old ones.

So what if it looks like it was written and drawn in a day? They still did it. The Archie Comics group doesn't rely on the fact that its stuff has been around for 65 years; it knows there's always a new child who's not yet read an Archie book, and aimed its offering at them. No wonder the Archieverse remains strong.

Strong, but mind-boggling. Take for example, the Mysterious Box of Nothingness:

Some sort of indicia box whitened out to prevent resale? That's what they'd like you to think...!

Or does Archie's excitement over his bash have a corporal manifestation so prodigious and pronounced that an enormous bowlderizing box is required to obscure it? It would certainly explain the fervency of Betty and Veronica's dedication.

Or is it a visually symbolic commentary on the emptiness at the heart of the Archieverse? "Archie is hollow," the box says, "composed only of literary boundaries of plot that contain no meaning, no continuity, no core."

This interpretation is certainly reinforced by the impossibly achronal appearance of Li'l Archie beside his teen counterpart: "Archie is beyond time and space. Archie is the empty centerpoint of a null zone where all normal reference systems are negated." Spooky, huh? I think Archie's in league with Supergirl.

Only the Null Box allowed me to perceive the meaning of the panel below. I read it several times with a vague feeling of disorienting unease, but after several hours of zen-like contemplation of the anti-space circumscribed by the Null Box I finally noticed what was bothering me...The Bobbsey Twins. The Bobbsey Twins were created in 1904 and their books were published with diminishing popularity up through, say, the 1970s. That was 30 years ago-- in OUR universe. What kind of highschooler today would naturally refer to the Bobbsey Twins? Why is this fella, Beaucoup Hairgel or some such, talking about the Bobbsey Twins as if anyone is going to understand?

Because the Archieverse, the Null Box says to us, is not bound by time and space, only by its own plot devices and narrative needs. Like Shazam's Rock of Eternity, the Archieverse is equidistant from all points of space/time; the Archieverse is the home of God/Archie; everything really IS Archie. Shudder.

Remember Josie & The Pussycats? Long tails, and sharps and flats? Yeah, I thought I did, too, with their cute little pussycat costumes. Until I realized....
The---the tails. The ears. Oh, ye gods of Olympus, they're REAL.

Aahh! The Pussycats aren't wearing costumes, they're some sort of nightmarish hybridized catwomen, like the illicit offspring of Mary Marvel and Tawky Tawny! And ... no one seems to notice. It's incomprehensible...!

And it gets worse.

Okay, there's apparently a band called "The Veronicas". Kind of weird, but no weirder than there being a band called the "Archies", I guess. But, wait, wait ... the "Veronicas" ...

are real.

I -- I don't understand. I can't -- Are they real people comic-bookized to promote themselves? Are they a fictional group being portrayed by live actors? Are they ambitextuals? And, hey, how could the Archies have had a number one hit when they aren't real? My understanding of reality -- it breaks down when confronted with the Archieverse. The nature of God/Archie is beyond the scope of the human mind.

Thank goodness, here's a familiar face: Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Nice, safe, familiar Sabrina. But, what's she doing in this panel? Why, she's -- she's imagining her own forthcoming makeover as a Manga character.
She is actively metacommenting on her own transtextual conversion into manga; it's mind-boggling! And to her it's .... SIMPLE. NOoooo! Et tu, Sabrina?


Wait a minute. I think I get it now: The Archieverse is some sort of plot to break down the barriers between the real and the unreal, crippling the minds of our youth, possibly explaining the moral and psychological decay of society since Archie's arrival in popular culture.

Of course! The erosion of the fourth wall, the impossible dreamlike imagery, the intentional violation of the concepts of space/time and identity; the Archieverse is comics' most insidious nest of SURREALISM.

But who could be responsible for this deceptive madness, this threat to the sanity of society?

It's been obvious all along, staring us right in the face:

SALVADOR DALI,
SINISTER SUPERVILLAIN OF SURREALISM

Someone call the Boy Wonder!

Archie and Dali attacking your sense of reality, personally.

Free Comic Book Day (tm)!

Oh, dear. Now that we've all cracked the internet in half with our last discussion, we need to heal it again.

So ...

How did YOU celebrate Free Comic Book Day today (if you did)? And, if you were running your comic book store, what would you do to celebrate (in a cost effective way)?

May 1976

Ah HA! With Blockade Boy's cooperation, I have deceived you (because you are my friends; it's a Legionnaire thing). I told you I didn't have a Time Bubble; I do have a Time Bubble.

In fact, as you read this, it has encircled you and is chronoporting you back thirty years. Are you tired of complaining about the quality of mega-crossover events and having your joy in comics eclipsed by picayune details of plot and art that cause you to miss the forest for the trees? Yes; I'm tired of that, too... .

So, welcome to May 1976, where you're safe from all the awfulness of the DC Comics of 2006! Let's go to the comic book store and see what joys await you because Everything Used to Be Better, you know.

Oh, wait; that's right -- there is no local comic book store. No matter where you live on the entire planet. There are no comic book stores, period.

Oops. Well, I'm sure if you drive or walk for miles to scrounge around in the back of 10 or 12 bookstores and drugstores, you'll find one that carries comics with a few issues that haven't already been torn, or damaged, or gone yellow, or already been bought by some irate parent trying to shut their kids up on a cross-country auto trip. Better hurry, because there's probably only one or two copies of each issue...!

Let's see what FABULOUS comics await you!

Ah, the legendary Batman Family title, where every month a grown man in a Robin costume and a crimefighting Congresswoman engage in goofy repartee and needlessly acrobatic fighting techniques like the one meaninglessly portrayed on this cover. That's what they did. Every month. Really.

In this issue, Babs & Dick combat Freeway, the Technician, Bugg, and Dr. Excess. Yow! They don't write 'em like that any more! Come to think of it, I believe Dr. Excess was not only the villain, but the writer... .

Hm. At least there's a Bathound story and a Signalman story. Each of which were actually written 20 years earlier. I love that picture of Ace: "Bathound Loves You."


Oo, I found another undamaged comic behind that one: Karate Kid 2! Not Ralph Macchio, silly; Karate Kid, the Legionnaire so cheesy he made Bouncing Boy look like an eminence grise. This is "Martial Arts Mayhem at Its Mightiest", folks.

What's he up to? Fighting Major Disaster (who's surfing on a giant communion wafer) and the Disasterettes to save the U.N. back here in 1976.

Why? Because it's 1976 and people still think the U.N. is worth saving. It is, of course; Diana Prince has to work somewhere. I mean, it's not like she can just open a dress shop in the Village or something!


What's Batman doing? That's it; Batman is always doing something cool. Batman will make us happy we're not in the evil future of 2006 any longer... .

Batman 275 finds our hero fighting a motorcycle gang on an ice rink in a classic, "The Ferry Blows at Midnight." How? Why?

Who cares? It's 1976. Writers just come up with some wacky centerpiece scene ("I know; in his forty year history, Batman's never fought a motorcycle gang on an iceskating rink!") then build a flimsy story around it.

It doesn't matter; there is no continuity, there are no ramifications, nothing has to make sense. In 1976, life, both in the real world and comics, is just one big Austin Powers movie.

But surely it's part of some larger plan? Perhaps a criminal mastermind is behind it all? Well, no. The only Special Guest Villain in this story is ...

wait for it ...

Joey One-Eye.

Snicker. Giggle. Snort. Okay, Beavis, settle down. Suffice it to say that while the ferry may wait till midnight to blow, the story is way ahead of it.


Meanwhile, in Metropolis, Superman is fighting Black Rock.

Who? Black Rock. Black. Rock. Come on, people! You know...!

A broadcasting company wanted a superhero on payroll so they had the brilliant scientist head of research guy (every network had them in the 1970s, you know) whip up a supersuit, then the scientist hypnotizes the network president into wearing this "Black Rock" outfit and fighting Superman, then hypnotizes that guy's nephew, a comedian named Les Vegas who constantly made TV-themed puns, into becoming Black Rock, then becomes Black Rock himself.

No, I am not making that up. Oh, by the way, isn't that exactly what you would wear if you were a supervillain named "Black Rock"? Green bodysuit, purple hood and cape; why, of course, it is.

Johns? Morrison? Palmiotti? Ha! Who needs those hacks? Here in 1976 we've got Elliot S! Maggin, baby, and, no, the exclamation point is not a typo; have your parents explain it to you. Hey, wait ... I think I've figured out "Dr. Excess's" secret identity!


Well, if those mainstreamers aren't satisfying you, here's one: Claw the Unconquered 7. It's about a guy who lost his hand and got it replaced with a magical one, having sword and sorcery adventures in an undersea city.

Boy, if only we could have had a comic like that in 2006! It'd be as popular, classic, and critically acclaimed as Claw!


What about the ever-engaging JLA? This is the Bronze Era, the fabled satellite league, which everyone knows rocked out loud....

Here they are fighting, um...

a purple thing with Flash's legs, Hawkman's head, and a detachable arm.

I assume their opponent is superpowerless except from the waist down. Well, let's put that issue on the "buy pile" immediately; don't even have to crack that open to know it's a winner.

Just what are Oliver and Arthur's lower halves doing? I ... I'm not quite sure. But it sure makes the monster mad. Maybe it's the Comics Code Authority Monster. Aren't there supposed to be word balloons or narration bursts that explain it?

• Monster: "I've stolen the Flash's lower parts -- and now I want yours!"
• Narration: "Beware ... the Mish-Mash Monster!"
• Aquaman: "MY SWORD!!!"

Points to whoever comes up with the best expository blurb for this cover, by the way.

I won't spoil the plot for others, but in 2006 they can still buy that comic and find out how great it was. Probably at the same drug store we're at right now in 1976, in fact. Except in their evil future it's not Winkleman's Family Pharmacy, it's CVS.

Oh, as long as we're buying comics in May 1976, there's at least one other we should definitely get. It'll be good ... eventually.

Say, in about 30 years:

Monkey See!

Yay! Big Monkey Comics is in the papers again!

Speaking of which, I have a favor to ask of you all...

Although my stat thingie shows that I get a 1000 visitors here every day (and I do believe it), the fact remains that I have only met TWO of those people face to face (not counting people I knew before I started this blog). While I love having you all as "penpals", it would be even better to be able to meet you all in person.

So, if any of you can, please visit me this Saturday, when I'll be at the Big Monkey Comics store in Georgetown, trying to help out with the crowds (but, more likely, just getting in the staff's way, and going on and on about the Brain Globes of Rambat...).

Do stop in and introduce yourself; then you can help squash the ugly rumors that I'm merely an AI program designed for PR by Dan Didio ... *click* DiDio .... *click* DiDio... .

Things that made me happy today

Batman saying, "Orca" about 15 times, and the fact that I've already figured out who muscled in on the Penguin.

Finally understanding the Joker's perfect role in Infinite Crisis, and seeing him spend time with an old friend.

The return of the Fastest Man Alive.

Batwoman's outfit with its fabulous red boots; I don't care who she is, I love her immediately.

Superman's understated speech on what it means to be Superman.

Superboy Prime's power of super-scenery-chewing.

The less-than-grandiose ending of Alex Luthor.

Bye bye, Emily! I won't miss you at all.

A Batman moment I didn't think I'd ever see.

How to handle Amazo.

Seeing the real Aquaman in action ... if even it's not in his own book.

Giganta and Rita Farr in a hair-pulling match.

The sound that Deathstroke's head makes when Batman steps on it.

Clark Kent reading a comic book at a Monster Truck Rally.

Robin straddling a naked Ravager in his bed while snapping the batcuffs on her.

Ollie's reply to Roy's question, particularly since I didn't immediately recognize it.

Clark's suggestion to Diana, which would surely meet Linda Carter's approval.


And you....?

"WHEEEE!!!!"

Most modern writers of Plastic Man follow his portrayal in Phil Foglio's post-Crisis Plastic Man miniseries, styling Plas as a superpowered Jim Carrey on double espressos, his perceptions warped by his odd powers.

That's one way to go with the character, but it certainly wasn't the way Plas's creator, Jack Cole, went. The Golden Age Plas himself was almost never intentionally humorous (forgoing even the usual punnage typical of his contemporary heroes). Although his situations, powers, and supporting cast were exceedingly wacky, Plastic Man was pretty much the 'straight man' in his own adventures. Perhaps that's why Plastic Man was so much funnier then than he is now.

Fortunately, I've discovered what warped the former F.B.I. agent's mind along the way:

marijuana.

"I want him good and
crazy when we set him free!"
"Whee!! I'm a killer!"

Just get Eel to rehab and some NA meetings and I'm sure he'll be back to his Golden Age self in no time!

Oh, and this panel also lends support to my theory that in the Golden and Silver Ages, writers had access to MUCH more powerful drugs than they do today.

Do you have the creativity to haiku in response to Plas's reefer madness ... without resorting to wacky weed?

LORHP

I have noticed recently that, while there are many wonderful comic book blogs of astonishly catholic tastes, there are also a growing number that focus on one particular genre or company.

This is a natural part of the evolution of knowledge. Once upon a time, it was possible for an intelligent man of leisure to know pretty much all that humanity knew.

But so far has civilization's accumulation of information broadened and its understanding of topics deepened that it's all one can do nowadays to remember the real names and home planets of all the Legionnaires. I myself have had to forgo offers to lecture on the structure of Propertius' Monobiblos in order simply to have time to contemplate the nature of Night Girl's hair. Life is full of difficult choices.

Still, as the more universalist bloggers never tire of reminding, it is important to maintain a breadth of knowledge across disciplines. One need read no further than James Gleick's famous Chaos, to understand how much can miss if one is too narrowly focused. Indeed, think how much sooner Complexity and Chaos Theory would have been uncovered had more scientists had Hawkman or Aquaman in their subs.

Nevertheless, for those of narrow intellect (such as I) focusing on one company is enough; the DCUniverse is enough for me to handle without adding Marvel's Manhattan on top.

Oh, many's the time I traipsed innocently about the blogosphere, scouting for signs of others who might call for the return of the Penny Plunderer, when, WHAMMO!, I would blindly turn a corner and find myself in the dark and sinister alleys of a Marvel-focused blog, staring down the barrel of a post on Baron Zemo. Save me, Joe Chill!

If only there were some signpost of security, some "Johnny DC" like symbol to let me know that I was safe and sound on a comics blog centered squarely in the wholesomeness of the good ol' DCU. Won't someone protect the children?

And so (at someone's insistence), I offer this symbol:


Look for the sign of the Loyal Order of the Rolling Head of Pantha before you read a blog too closely! When you see it, you'll know that you're safe with a blogger who understands that even the rolling head of Pantha has more iconic resonance and character potential than the entire X-Men roster.

With FWMP as our by-word, we members of the LORHP salute the DCUniverse, where every minor character, no matter how ill-conceived or obscure, brims over with the latent potential to become famous and beloved nearly overnight, a symbol of All That Is Right (Or Wrong) With Comics Today.

Much like the rolling head of Pantha. Who'da thunk it?

Call the Police!

Police Comics, that is.

We've seen the triumphant returns of many of the headliners from Quality Publishing's Police Comics: Plastic Man, Phantom Lady, the (new) Human Bomb, Manhunter, and Firebrand. So I say we need to see them ALL back. Like me, I'm certain you ache for the return of...



Chic Carter, Ace Reporter!

Just your average non-mild-mannered journalist who kisses Moravian princesses after rescuing them from Nazis.

He was sort of the Anderson Cooper of his day (except, of course, for the princesses part; King Ludwig, however, might find himself with a new queen on his hands).

Apparently, the editors thought he wasn't interesting enough to readers, so after a while they gave him a secret identity as -- wait for it -- The Sword. Imagine thinking you can "fix" a nice steady character like Chic by shoving a sword in his hand. Ha! Only in the naive Golden Age!


711!

Kindly District Attorney Dan Dyce switches places with his lookalike best friend (a convinct who gets killed while going to be with his wife as she gives birth), and decides to abandon his life and identity as a DA, so he can remain in prison (*snort*), leaving only at night through a secret tunnel so he can fight crime as "711" (his convict number) leaving his calling card of a hand mirror with bars painted on it. ... See? I've discovered a comic book I want Grant Morrison to write.


The Mouthpiece!

Another member of the Secret Society of District Attorneys For Whom Fighting Crime is Both Vocation and Avocation. Thanks to comic books, I grew up thinking the most exciting job in the world was District Attorney... .

District Attorney Bill Perkins was quite a man. Except for his domino mask, he wore exactly the same thing as the Mouthpiece that he wore as DA; take that, Kent. He also changed ties for each story; my hero! Oh, and the utterly ruthless Mouthpiece did not do things by halves: upon discovering that a man is smuggling illegal aliens into the country, the Mouthpiece unceremoniously spears him with a harpoon gun. Now that would enliven the Letters to the Editors column.


Oh, and some guy named "The Spirit"; looks like he was pretty generic, so I can't imagine there'd be any interest in bringing him back.