More Fun with FACES

With the gargoyles captured (and off to have their faces presumably 'returned' to them by Dr Rankin at some point), the Real Villain of the Piece hightails it outta there.

Some writer was SO proud of writing "devilish Angel".

Returning to his hospital (how DOES a hospital become famous is all it does is mess up people's faces?!), Angel forces Dr. Rankin to give him a new face as a ticket to new life.

Look, Rankin; Green Arrow may be no Batman, but you're no Sonny Blandish.

After all this shouting in the hospital Quiet Zone, the deed is done.

I guess Star City police couldn't track down the man whose face was completely covered in bandages and on the run.  They did, however, detain Tommy Elliot, Larry Trainor, Dr. Spencer, Prof. Wilson, Hugo Drummond, the Unknown Soldier, and Hassan the Mummy.

But, lest we forget, Prof. Angel is, in his eagerness to keep himself at arm's-distance from his nasty business, SLOPPY.  All of his gargoyle crimes were unproductive fiascos, he let someone else 'do in' Green Arrow, and then couldn't even be bothered to make sure Green Arrow was dead.

If I had the chance, I'd sit on Ollie's corpse for at least two hours, just to make sure.

So perhaps his belief, as he strides purposefully toward the glorious end of his next five-year plan, that he's gotten off scot-free is misplaced.  

"I'll make a fortune! Just like I did this time!"

Sure enough, he's soon got men on his tail: the po-po!

Panicked to defend himself, he pulls a gun...

"I...I...ieeYIIIIIII!"

and he's shot dead by five cops with seven guns, who apparently were chasing him not because he was Professor Angel, but because they thought he was someone else.

Yes, Doctor Rankin got his revenge on (and freedom from) Professor Angel by giving him the face of someone the police would naturally chase:

FBI Director
J.  E D G A R  H O O V E R

Well, much like Professor Angel, I certainly didn't see THAT coming.  But I guess if you don't want men on your tail and shooting on you, don't run around looking like J. Edgar Hoover.  

My apologies for dissing Dr. Rankin earlier; perhaps he IS Star City's Sonny Blandish!  He, at least, stopped Prof. Angel (a powerless, talentless, sloppy blackmailer) when Green Arrow couldn't.  And Rankin was smart enough to know that anyone dumb enough not to notice that Ollie was still breathing would also be satisfied when you gave him this face:

J.Edgar, when this story was published.

So, all's well that ends well. The bad guy is dead, the victims get their faces 'returned', no one cares about some dead truck drivers, and Ollie gets another item for his Armoire of Trophies.

"Ollie.... you DO realize that Bright can't WORK without that, right?"
"That's right, Roy; another actor saved from being on a CW show!"

More Fun with GAS

APRIL FOOL!

"I had to use the Starman Code, because there is no Green Arrow Code, because you aren't in the Justice Soci--"
"THANK YOU AGAIN DOCTOR RANKIN."

Yes, I was DECEIVING you yesterday on April Fool's Day, for Ollie Queen is NOT, in fact, dead. Neither is Roy Harper, which was, of course, the 'dead' giveaway; killing Ollie Queen is one thing, but what kind of idiot writer would kill off Roy Harper?

Yet another underwhelming Batman foe winds up in Green Arrow's hand-me-down Rogues Gallery.

As you read in the story panel, Doc Rankin's 'shaking hands' were IN FACT tapping out a message on the bowmen's faces in (what we can only assume was Morse) code.  If you were lying semiconscious, would YOU understand if some tapped out "P L A Y D E A D I T I S O N L Y O X Y G E N" on your face?  Well, then you're no Green Arrow!  Fortunately, as I mentioned once 16 years ago, everyone in comics knows Morse code, cold.

Even dogs can do it. In Spanish. While dying of radiation poisoning.

Dr Rankin explains the whole situation to the bowmen, who speed off in the Arrowcar (yeah, I know, they are still calling it the Arrowplane at this point, probably because it's the size of a hangar) to the gargoyles' next heist.

"Um, sure, Arrow. I'll... 'return' their faces to them. I keep them here, in a jar by the door, next to Ms. Rigby's."

Sigh; you know, if Rankin were a Gothamite instead of a Star Citizen, he would have kicked Angel's ass, then flown to Germany and rescued his own family.  That's what Sonny Blandish would have done.

The next heist is at a gold mine, where the third gargoyle uses his expertise as a mining engineer to effect some chemical folderol that knocks out all opposition.

Only idle billionaire anthropologists can afford their own aqualung-arrows, you know.

Green Arrow shows up to foil them, and, once they realize Speedy is with him, they know they are in trouble.

Unfortunately, Roy seems to still be hyper-oxygenated from Dr Rankin's ruse, and misjudges his entrance.

I have no idea what "here's where this ghost goes west" means. The past is a foreign country.

Gotta appreciate that Roy is still brassy enough to sass Ollie while falling to certain death.  Ollie saves Roy in the scene depicted in the opening splash page and has NO intention of letting Roy ever forget it.

"It would be a THIRD chance, you see, because your SECOND chance is the one I, Green Arrow, gave you by saving your life, when you messed up your FIRST chance."
"Yeah. I get it. Thanks, G.A. You're my hero."

With no aqualung arrows of their own as backup, the gargoyles succumb to Green Arrow. Or, at least, to all the gas.  

"Yep! Lucky there's nothing serious, because all those dead truck drivers were merely subhuman chattel!"  Never forget that Ollie's a one-percenter.

The three gargoyles may not have very successful in actually pulling off any crimes, but you must admit that these unwilling amateur criminals have made a pretty strong showing in holding their own against the Heroes of Star City.

But what of the REAL villain of the piece, Professor Angel? Well, like Roy & Ollie, we'll have to catch up with him tomorrow...

Let's Have Some More Fun

Let's have some more fun; specifically, More Fun #85.  

A lot of things happen in this comic: Dr. Fate takes a page off to go to medical school and become a doctor, Aquaman throws a polar bear at some seal poachers, the Spectre and Percival Popp teach us a lesson about something wholesome but overcomplex and murky, and Johnny Quick-- well, really, who cares what Jonny Quick did. 

But our focus is of course, the STAR of the issue: Green Arrow!

And by "Green Arrow" I actually mean Speedy. You know; the competent one.

Honestly points for the editor, who admits that Ollie and Roy will be getting high in this story.  And Mort Weisinger needs all the honesty points he can get.

I always find Golden Age stories more entertaining when I read the placards out loud. Try it! It's More Fun:

But I can't get through the title without breaking character.

The Man Who Reclaimed His Face is, I'll own, a rather intriguing title. If you are not accustomed to reading ancient comic book placards, I shall translate (for I have a degree in such things): "an evil person disguised as a good person will use plastic surgery to ruin three guys' faces so as to blackmail them into doing crimes for him."  It's all very Golden Age; in those days crooks were always enacting expensive byzantine blackmailing schemes to force solid citizens to knock over hotdog stands (the economics of the Golden Age remain unclear to modern scholars).  The Golden Age also LOVED plastic surgery.  Remember when Killer Moth had plastic surgery to look like Bruce Wayne? Remember Dr. Ekhart, who fixed Harvey Dent's face?  Remember Sonny Blandish?!  Heck, this very issue has a Spectre story called The Man Who Changed Faces, whose plot also hinges on plastic surgery.

As many Golden Age stories as I read, and I'm still amazed by what I call their "PowerPoint" style. They start by giving you an overview of what will happen; then throughout the story, the captions tell you what is happening; and at the end, the hero recaps the story and tells you what happened.  On the one hand, it seems like overkill; on the other hand, I can read many a modern comic and have no damned idea at the end what happened.  I guess nowadays they figure that the solicits and internet post-commentary will take care of it.

Mostly what I get out of this splash page, though, is that this will be yet another story where Ollie saves Roy by shooting his shaft through his legs while Roy is bound hand and foot (just as he did in the Gayland story).  Arrow's gotta Arrow, after all.

Fortunately, they practice this a lot. In the Arrowcave.

The real mystery is: who are Cliff and Steve, who carved their names on the tower from which Roy is being defenestrated?

And what about... Naomi?!

Okay, fine, it's no mystery; it's penciller Cliff Young and inker Steve Brodie.  Unlike Green Arrow writers, Green Arrow artists aren't embarrassed to sign their work.

Although sometimes they should be.

Tomorrow, we start the story proper, but first, a secret message for you:

Hint: it's going to be oomphy!

Batman #93: Adventures in Bat-BabySitting

Batman's babysitting adventure starts typically enough with a "Batman Cold Open":

Giant prop? Check.
But, no joke about giving them a taste of their own medicine?
Robin-fail.

After Batman grinds the criminals' bones to make his bread, he and Robin return to Wayne Manor only to find Bruce's flighty and inconsiderate cousin dumping a baby in their laps.

She's leaving. On a jet plane. Don't know when she'll be back again.

We learn many things from this panel.  Wayne Manor's security is crap. Alfred's an ineffectual fool.  Cousin Jane isn't going to make the midnight plane because it's 12:52AM. But the main thing we learn is that Bruce Wayne clearly had an extended family who COULD have helped take of him when his parents died and didn't, so... the hell with you, Cousin Jane, and the baby your rode in with.

Given the condition of the child's hair, Bruce, just hand it directly over to Child Services.

Cousin Jane tries to couch her demand as an honor ("I decided to LET you and your butler care for him!"), but Bruce knows the 'hot-potato' rule of baby-handling and has NO intention of touching that thing.  I mean... just LOOK at its hair.

Note that this scene is the kind of ultra-efficient core-dump of exposition that this era is famous for (remember Aqua-Jimmy?). Super-exposition is necessary not merely because of plot-speed but because of plot-stupidity; the faster you gloss over plot-holes, the less likely the audience is to notice the bump. This is literally the NEXT PANEL:

That baby is NOT happy with Alfred. 
"I'll get even with you for this, old man. Or my name's not Tom King."

In this case, those plot-holes include:

• This woman thinks she can help her sick husband, as if she's Sonny Blandish's daughter or something. IS she? I can easily imagine the Blandishes and the Waynes have some ties of marriage.  
• The baby has no name and never gets one.
• Bruce could buy an orphanage and store the baby there. Doesn't he already own some orphanages? Isn't that where he gets Robins? There are only so many circuses, you know.
• Cousin Jane clearly can access the speed force because she zipped out of there before BATMAN AND ROBIN could stop her.  I want the Snyder Cut of this story, where Bruce tries to bop her with a batarang as she escapes, but the fussing baby throws off his aim.
• I hope the Gotham underworld never figures out the way to defeat Batman is throw a baby at him.  Penguin will be selling bootleg baby-bazookas within a week.
• Apparently Bruce lives in a world where they are butlers but no nannies.

Please edit Wikipedia to show that "Family Affair" was based on this story.

The baby starts bawling, of course, because that's what comic relief babies do.

Poor Bruce. "This baby is broken! Just buy Jane another one!"

Fortunately, the world's greatest detective is not easily stumped by the Mystery of the Crying Baby.

"Maybe it's ... some kind of CLUE as to the baby's next crime!"

Let's unpack this, shall we?  The mother brought NO babycare stuff when she dropped the baby off.  There is NO milk in all of Wayne Manor.  All of Gotham City has NO 24-hour groceries or even convenience stores.  AND... Batman regularly patrols on Sunday mornings, when stores aren't even open. What's he looking for? Urban churchgoers who double-park? Clearly he's lying. To ALFRED.

Besides Wayne Manor ALWAYS has milk.

BUT because this is a bat-sitcom, ridiculous set-ups must lead to ridiculous situations and solutions.

Maybe if you didn't live 14 miles outside of Gotham City like an elitist suburban snob, you wouldn't have this kind of trouble getting milk.  I've always said, "If you have to drive to get milk, something is wrong with your life."

Batman and Robin reduced to chasing down milk trucks. What could be more humiliating?

I think we're about to find out what's more humiliating than chasing a milk truck in the Batmobile:

#bovinemetoo

Taking Head Week #7: CAW and the Unsatisfying Conclusion

So the Hawks have rescued the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice from obscurity (and CAW) and are heading to return them to the Nine Unknowns, the people irresponsible enough and lazy enough to have lost them two thousand years and never looked for them or made replacements.  Great idea.

"Aren't we tandomly wonderful?!"  

The Hawks are totally That Couple You Hate On Facebook

The hidden sanctuary of the Nine Unknowns, unhidden by the Hawks' portable absorbascon.  

Wow. There actually are nine of them.  That's a level of fidelity I wasn't expecting in a Hawkstory.

First of all, the Hawks are NOT humans.  Second of all they are in mid-air; so they haven't set foot anywhere yet.  Third, what the HECK are you wearing?!  

Why not just take them to the Midway museum? 

They'd be broken within a week.

The Nine Unknowns take the Hawks on a tour of their sanctuary, because, although nameless like EVERYONE else in this story, they are still polite hosts, which is impressive since they haven't had any guests in 50 years.

Hey, that means... someone visited them in 1914. Any guesses?  A young Sonny Blandish?  Arne Saknussen? Vandal Savage? Enemy Ace?  Yeah; probably Enemy Ace.  Hans got around.

The spinning indic-arrow at the left of the machine really makes this panel.  Also, I have zero doubt that there's almost always strange radiation in Hawkgirl's body, just on principle.

The Hawks are so constantly afflicted with tingling sensations for some reason or other, that they don't even think twice about it anymore.  All those special pleasure-enhancing lubricants, no doubt.

Figuring that the radiation was just CAW's way of trying to find the sanctuary, the Nine Unknowns (or at least The One Unknown Who Talks A Lot) turns on the sonic shower and purges the Hawks of the strange radiation.  

It's a lot like the Decontamination Room of Sexiness on Enterprise, isn't it?

It's beneath the GANGES?!  Um, yeah.  No, thanks. NO treasure is worth going into the Ganges River.

As the now radiation-free Hawks return to Midway City, they are tailed by an evil limo.

Why would you need to tag the Hawks with special radiation to track them? Is there anyone easier to spot on earth?!?

And who is IN that evil limo? Why, the leaders of CAW:

Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego.

Uh-oh, they have the power of serialocution. That's dangerous.

That's some multicultural WORLD evil, right there.  A fedora, a fez, AND a turban. I'd be more impressed if I didn't know Jervis Tetch could kill these guys in 60 seconds.

Their back-up plan is a pretty clever fake-out, actually, The REAL target (um, currently) is the portable absorbascon Hawkgirl is carrying, which can tell them anything damn thing the plot requires. 

Which is WAY more useful than a Universal Death Ray, 

by the way.  What are going to do with a ray that kills everybody?  

Is this the point where I mention that the absorbascon SITS IN THE HAWK'S OFFICE at the museum all day and could be stolen easily?  No. No, it is not.

So Manny, Moe, and Jack press the button that should kill the Hawks and...nothing happens. Because of course the Hawks have been purged of the offending radiation.

"Next time, Gadget!"

What an impossibly byzantine plot.  No wonder CAW hasn't taken over the world.  More like the Criminal Alliance of Frustrated Impotence, if you ask me.

I still love CAW, though, because they are true villains and not mere crooks.  Real crooks would just have shot the Hawks during one of their frequent, obvious fly-bys and THEN gone after the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice.  

That's why the Hawks don't live in Gotham.