Hate-Watching Alex Danvers

I'm not really into 'hate-watching' a teevee show; it seems a little silly. There are so many wonderful things to do and see, why spend time watching something you hate?

SO many wonderful things.

Still, I can't pretend I'm immune to the appeal of watching something because it's ... non-ideal. After all, some -- okay, fine, MOST-- of the movies I watch are terrible horror films I enjoy precisely because of their imperfections.  But I don't HATE them for that.  

In fact, sometimes I am overwhelmed by a near-religious awe at how MIRACULOUSLY bad some are.

And there are shows I watch that I generally like but which have characters in them I can't bear, characters I just LOVE to hate.  Not villains; people you are supposed to like, in theory, but whom the showrunners have made unlikable.  I would mention Iris on The Flash, but of course, she's been supplanted by her idiot daughter, Nora, a character so continually and constitutionally wrong-headed that she could ONLY be the child of CW Iris&Barry.  

My name is Nora West-Allen, and I'm the fastest fool alive.

It's Supergirl that takes the cake, though.  In fact, it takes forty of them. And that's terrible.  Because it's got the ultimate hate-watch character:

Alex Danvers


She's smart! She's sassy! She's spunky!

I'm not sure which one this is supposed to be.

She's a brilliant physician!  She's a butt-kicking ninja!  She's a supersoldier/secret agent!

She's a Brill Creme model!

I (kind of) get it. The showrunners felt they needed Supergirl to have a human female confidante (so they gave her a sister, which she has never had in comics) and chose to make that character sufficiently uber-competent so that Supergirl wouldn't overshadow her.

Unfortunately, despite the continued assertions in every episode that Alex is "the best person I know for the job" and "the most [insert positive adjective of human qualities] person I've ever meet" by virtually every character who's known her for even two minutes, Alex Danvers is a living trainwreck of a human being. 

I think that dress tells you everything you need to know about Alex Danvers' decision making ability.

All the time.  And it's not only constant its omnidirectional.  She can't make decisions in the field, at the office, with her family, to her friends, in her love life.  Alex is in a constant state of emotional turmoil and indecision.  It's like an evil cabal of misogynistic writers got together and said, "We're going to insert a secret asset into the Supergirl show: someone who, at every opportunity, will send the message that women, no matter what their external accomplishments, will always be emotionally unstable and unreliable."  Is Vartox a show consultant?!?

Now, I know what some of your are thinking: "Alex is a normal human, they have doubts, it's great to show that strong people are not emotionally invulnerable blah blah blah."  And maybe you can excuse some of Alex's (endless) stumbles that way.

But it's constant and repeated.  Alex lies to her sister about her work. Alex is dating Maxwell Lord. Alex has trouble admitting she's gay. Alex gloms onto LITERALLY the first lesbian she meets and whine her into being her girlfriend.  Alex suddenly wants children.  Alex doesn't know the first thing about her girlfriend and is shocked by everything she learns about her.  Alex can't live without {cast member].  Alex can't get along with [cast member].  Alex doesn't believe she can help Kara / do her job / run the DEO / make the hard decisions / sleep with Sarah Lance. I mean, who DOESN'T sleep with Sarah Lance?!  

Alex is the perfect self-sabotaging character, because no matter what happens on the show, Alex Just Can't Even Right Now, even when what happens is something SHE fought for.

It's not, Alex. Not if you're in it, too.

Alex Sanders, how I love to rant at the television at you!  You may not be able to order a dessert without having an existential crisis and mental meltdown, but you HAVE been able to teach me how enjoyable 'hate-watching' can be!

The Only Pic You Need Today

Sexist alert:  (super-)women are the shining light of hope for what superheroes SHOULD be in popular media.  Powerful but sympathetic moral exemplars.

Lynda Carter nailed this perfectly, utterly, and forever as Wonder Woman in her 1970s show.  Wonder Woman was no-nonsense, but never mean.  She was always ready to help reform and not merely punish.  Wonder Woman didn't get angry at you for being a bad guy; she was disappointed in you.  Just as your mother would be.

Melissa Benoitte has brought a similar quality to Supergirl and it's been a welcome lamplight in the otherwise dark and gritty landscape of live-action superheroism in the modern era.

Is that sexism, because we want 'girls' to be sugar & spice?  Is it just realism, because women tend to embrace situational ethics while men hew toward rule-based utilitarianism?  Is is just men taking men-heroes too seriously, just as they do themselves?  When did being an actual good guy start to seem too weak for people?

WHAT'S IN THE POD?!?!?!

Skipping over the highs and lows of the Supergirl show's season finale, let's go right to the cliffhanger at the end: the Kryptonian pod that lands on Earth, whose contents take Kara by surprise.

What COULD be in that pod? What do you think?

1. Streaky.  Comic-book inaccurate, of course.  We all know Streaky was a terrestrial cat before he got superpowers as a result of Supergirl's scientific incompetence.
2. Krypto.  Who I assume would be a black Lab.
3. The Bottle City of Kandor.  Which would be stupid, of course. But deliciously so, and Supergirl could use more Silver Age nonsense.
4. Young Kara herself.  As Flash teaches, "when in doubt, screw with viewers minds using time-travel."
5. A brown wig with pigtails.
6. Baby Kal-El.  That would be completely insane, but "Superman did something weird and flew himself backward along the time stream and is now Superbaby again" would be one way to explain why Superman never visits or helps Supergirl.
7. Dick Malverne.  Because Supergirl needs Dick.
8. Brainiac 5. Same reason.
9. Beppo.  Hijinks ensue.
10. Powergirl.  Because, despite all the 'girlpower' on the show, it really needs a 'broad'.
11. Comet, the SuperPony.  Period.
12. The body of the real Cat Grant, who was replaced years ago by Earth-4 Eobard Thawne.
13. The show ratings.
14. Grant Gustin.
15. John Ostrander, actor.
16. A headband.
17. Mrs. Berkowitz, from Chicago.
18. Pants.

Supergirl: the Gang Returns!

When last we left Supergirl she was fighting ... THE GANG!

And lest you forget who they are, the Absorbascon is proud to present:

THE GANG: WHO THEY ARE AND HOW THEY CAME TO BE!

You know, if this weren't really poorly drawn, really badly written, and eight times longer than necessary, this would be a great one-page origin.

Apparently, in Chicago you can get super-powers by just studying hard, lifting weights, and staring at yourself in a mirror. You know what else you can get by studying hard, lifting weights, and staring at yourself in a mirror? Straight As and election to student council, followed by a scholarship to a good school, getting you out of a life of poverty and violence. But that's not THE GANG's style, apparently. Why do things the easy way?

At this point, the Gang has already defeated Supergirl once, entirely by way of a Jedi mind trick from Ms Mesmer, and her Hypnotic Third-Nipple.

It's ... it's nip-notic!

She runs into them a second-time at (duh duh DAH!) her own apartment building, where they attack her actor-neighbor, John Ostander, who's just an actor, for cryin' out loud...

Just shut up, John Ostrander! I'm sure you're a lovely man in real life, but I want to club your Earth-1 version to death like a baby seal.

...and where they promptly kick her butt again.

This one I'm not even going to bother making a joke about.

Um .. yeah, Supergirl. You really do.

"I need this abuse--?" Why has Supergirl started talking like her alter kocker landlady Mrs. Berkowitz? Has her history as a continuity pinball left her a super-Zelig, instantly blending into whatever new life-of-the-month the writers give her? Just how suggestible is she?

In fact, Supergirl is very suggestible, since in mid-fight Ms Mesmer gives her another mind-whammy. Without, it seems, even talking to her or looking into her eyes or spinning her third nipple or anything else traditionally mesmerizing.

I didn't realize mesmerism was a ranged-combat action.

She convinces Supergirl to see her greatest fear, namely:

That she's Linda Danvers.

It's okay, Supergirl; being Linda Danvers is my greatest fear, too.

Naturally, Supergirl is emotionally crippled and runs away, terror-stricken. And who can blame her? If you discovered you were Linda Danvers you'd be emotionally crippled, too. Pretty much by definition.

I guess Supergirl falling for this magically perpetrated mesmerism makes sense, character-wise. After all, she spent most of the Silver Age hypnotized into debasement and penury by Superman's repeating the phrase: "You're my secret weapon!"

• "You must live in a broken-down rural orphanage because you're my secret weapon!"
• "You must wear a ratty pigtailed poop-brown wig because you're my secret weapon!"
• "You must not use your super-powers and obey me because you're my secret weapon!"

Lord only know what else Super-perv hypnotized her into!

Stolen, by the way, from this amusing Supergirl site.

Anyway, Supergirl is now crippled with the fear that anyone who sees her knows she's Linda Danvers, so she flies off to abduct her parents from a classy restaurant, because she certainly can't show up at a classy restaurant dressed as Linda Danvers. Shudder!

I don't know what the other Top Ten Things Supergirl Should Never Say are,
but high on the list is "Sorry about the super-speed snatch."

The Danversezes convince Supergirl she's off her rocker (who would know better?).

"I couldn't make a mistake about my street clothes, could I....?"

Well, my answer would be "yes" judging from this picture of your street clothes:

*Linda Lee's outfit by L.Ingalls of Walnut Grove, Minnesota!

Meanwhile THE GANG drags Actor John Ostrander to their high-tech headquarters on the south side of Chicago.

Bet that 'straight As/student council/scholarship' plan is sounding better all the time, huh, Gang?

Actually, beneath this windowless hovel lurks their evil den of inadequacy.


Whoa. With furniture from the Central City "Horizon-Ass" collection. I bet on winter nights, they all curl up together in that seven-foot wide orange armchair, just like puppies. And is that a coffee table or a dissection slab?

My favorite is the potted plant on the coffee table of their basement lair. Priceless.


Next time:

John Ostrander's acting skills versus
the Brain's mastery of salon-quality hair-care products.

Supergirl #4, Part 2: The Gang's All Here

Well, when last we left literary pinball Supergirl (in Paul Kupperberg's 1983 Supergirl #4), she had recently been retconned to be a 19 year old psych major in Chicago.

Looks like Supergirl's not the only one who got retconned.
Apparently, 1983 Chicago's been attacked by the B13 virus. Or Frank Gehry.

In Chicago, Supergirl, in her secret identity as Linda Danvers, lives with her wacky supporting cast, The Oppressively Square Parents (Mr. & Mrs. Danvers), The Ethnic Stereotype Landlady Who Seems to be Comic Relief But Who Suffers from Secret Poignant Sorrows (The Widow Berkowitz), and The Irresponsible But Lovably Trouble-Prone Actor-Neighbor (Real-Life Person John Ostrander).

It would all seem like some Young Women On Her Own sitcom, a "That Girl" for the '80s, were it not for pesky supervillains like...

THE GANG.

Yes, they are really called "The Gang". What did you think the "G" stood for?

When I showed my friend Noah "The Gang" and told him what they were called, he slapped his forehead and said, "That's imbecilic. The only way a group like that-- or any group-- would call themselves 'The Gang' would be, I dunno, if they'd hung out together as kids in school."

Perceptive on Noah's part, then, since that is exactly their origin. Four kids from the Southside of Chicago wanted to avoid falling into a life of criminal desperation like their schoolmates, so they focus on sticking together, and working their tails off to become... supervillains. Well, that makes sense!

So, who do you think "The Gang" would work for, huh? Who...?

Um... Terry Thomas?

The Gang works for... "The Man". Yes, really. I'm not sure whether Kupperberg was actually trying to write a story, or whether he was just composing the first draft of the "TV Tropes" wiki while awaiting the eventual invention of the internet. The man was a visionary.


The Gang are classic "crime groupies", and true to form, each one is a uni-dimensional cut-out character. Specifically, the Goliath, the Bruiser, the Brains, and the Mentalist (two strong stupid guys with physical powers and two clever women with mental powers).

The "Goliath" guy pictured above is Kong. Yes, like the canine chew toy. If Superman were around he'd just stuff him full of peanut butter and throw him to Krypto. I'd buy that comic!

The "Brusier" guy is named Bulldozer. Why...?

Another satisfied graduate of the Benjamin Grimm School of Elocution.

Really, what kind of idiot power is being able to run at stuff and crash into it with your head? Maybe that makes you an A-class villain in the Marvel Universe, but in the DCU it just makes you the head-butt of a lot of jokes.

People do not talk this way, nor should they. "The Name's" is another Sure Sign of Bad Comic Book Writing. If you are reading any piece of literature and you see a sentence that begins with "The name's...", put it down immediately. Preferably in the garbage can.

The "Brains" of the Gang is named "Brains". But you probably guessed that already.

Apparently, her power is speaking pretentiously, since that seems to be all she does. That, and hair-modelling like she's in a Wella Balsam commercial. No, really, her hair is this ... this thing in and of itself. At first, you think you're just perceiving it in mid-swoosh as she's moving, as in the panel above.

No crime in that. Why, '90s characters regularly relied on their swooshing ponytails to counterbalance the weight of, well, whatever was in those pouches on their thighs.

But that's not it at all. It actually just juts out from her head, stiffly. All the time. Like... like a giant glob of saltwater taffy.

Okay, I desperately want to see this woman fight Night Girl.
Dueling extensions at 20 paces!

Not only does she have amazing Gumby-hair,
but each of her breasts is a commissioned Army Captain.
Eat yer heart out, Power Girl.

And the "Mentalist" character is "Mesmer". Have you ever heard anything so painfully obvious...?

Flash Fact: you can hypnotize anyone if you connect a mini-fan with a color wheel!

"You want I should"? What native Chicagoan talks that way? Nu, what are you now, Mrs Berkowitz's daughter? By the way, Mrs Berkowitz's daughter is, in fact, a supervillain, but a different one (the cosmically powered Blackstarr); but that's another story entirely.

"Mesmer" is another example of Bad Comic Book Writing: "Painfully Obviously Codenames". If I were a supervillain with, say, super-bulldozing-with-my-head powers, I would codename myself something vague and obscure like "Doktor Planiermesserundeckmesser", or "Captain Jordan", or just plain deceptive like "Diaphanoso". While the hero was trying to puzzle out my high-fallutin' mystery powers, I'd sock him in the gut with my cranium. But super-head-butting-powers characters rarely go in for the element of surprise and this one is no exception...

THIS PANEL IS NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL

HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE!

Eyes wide, fanboy; this is what it's like to "boff" Supergirl. For me, it's the sound effect and the expression on her face that really make this panel. Ordinarily, this is the place where I'd offer some kind of crack... but it looks like Supergirl's already got that covered. At least, I hope she has it covered; hard to tell with hotpants.

So, anyway, the incredibly generic foursome of stock figs from the crime groupie box manage to defeat Supergirl, with her god-like Kryptonian powers, twice in the same story, courtesy of Mesmer's mind-whammy.

Not that Supergirl can believe it. Frankly, neither can I.

Wow, Supergirl's nearly infallible, just like her cousin. And just as modest.

Oh, and just in case you were thinking ill of me for my corny title for this post...

IT'S THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THE STORY.

Honi soit qui mal y pense!

Supergirl #4, Part 1: The Actor-Neighbor et al.

If you want to understand why I stopped reading comic books in the 1980s, you need look no farther than Supergirl #4 (for which we have Paul Kupperberg to blame).

This is 1983, and Supergirl/Linda Lee Danvers was a 19-year-old psychology college student in Chicago.

This, of course, was after she'd already graduated from the stateless Stanhope College with a bachelor's degree in nothing apparent, worked as a television camera operator in San Francisco, went to grad school at Vandyre University for drama, became a Florida high school guidance counselor (for nowhere is an understanding of drama so essential as in a high school guidance counselor's office), then became a soap opera star. Then, while she was on the way to super-aerobics class, a bad guy killed her, probably for her headband. After which, her story gets REALLY weird.

None of this makes any sense, but that what we've learned to expect from Supergirl, one of the DCU's least stable characters and the symbol of powerlessness against the vicissitudes of fate. Supergirl is a kite in a tornado, a ragdoll in a tsunami, a pinball in the arcade of life.

I imagine that being Supergirl is kind of like living in a "Quantum Leap" episode,

Oh boy.

...except you don't bother trying to understand the situation or assume that you're where you are for a purpose. You just hunker down, beat up any obvious bad guys, and try to make it through the day (or, as my friend Benari would call it, "deployment").

Anyway, in Supergirl #4, Supergirl finds herself living, well... here:


View Larger Map

1537 West Fargo Avenue, Chicago IL Hey, she's metro-accessible! Groovy.

Anyway, her supporting cast includes her stereotype Jewish-mother landlady, Mrs Berkowitz:

Who's a great waltzer, by the way.

her stultifyingly boring parents, the Danvers'z's

What could please a college student more than to find her parents, unannounced, hiding in her apartment?

and her wacky irresponsible actor-neighbor...

wait for it...

JOHN OSTRANDER.

Yes, John "Suicide Squad" Ostrander, a former Chicago actor, started writing for DC Comics in 1986... three years after he became one of Supergirl's neighbors. There really aren't a lot of occasions where the multiversal barriers get holes punched in them large enough to suck someone out of the DCU and into our ("the real") world, but clearly that's exactly what happened to John Ostrander. This, of course, makes no sense at all; so I blame Supergirl.

Here Ostrander - the original Ostrander the comic book character not the later Ostrander the comic book writer - is seen using the phrase "hello dere", the catchphrase of a comedian whose floruit had been 10 - 20 years in the past by time this story was published. In comic book writing, this is called "hip". It's also one of comics' Sure Signs of Bad Writing ("Outdated Comedy Catchphrases"). You'll be seeing more of those signs as we read the rest of this story.

By the way, did I mention that Ostrander was an actor?

And did I tell you that Ostrander was an actor?

Oh, and, in case you forgot:

Ostrander was an actor.

I can never figure out whether stories like these were written this way

• just in case the reader's mind is drug-addled,


• counting on the fact that the reader's mind is drug-addled,


• or because the writer's mind is drug-addled.

Anyway, actor-neighbor Ostrander has run afoul of a crayola set of "crime groupies" that Supergirl already tangled with earlier in the story.

I can't wait to introduce you to these guys in my next post.