Waiting to Regale

As mentioned, I've been designing slide shows to run on the Big Screen all day long at Big Monkey ( please come visit us in DC sometime!). One of them has been a series of some 80+ covers of romance comics, interspersed with some "fast facts" about the genre.

One of those facts is that the Romance genre was basically invented by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby. Yes, those guys. And by that I mean not romance per se, or even the genre, but the genre in a comic book form.

Yeesh. The idea of Joe Simon and Jack Kirby inventing romance is enough to give even me the heebie-jeebies. No, strike that; especially me...

"Jack, I -- I want to talk about where our relationship is going!"

"Me, I'm more worried about where ar feet are goin', Joe;
now shut yer yap, I'm tryinna smile fer the judges!"

Anyway, this slideshow was inspired by the recent release of a reprint of DC's 100-page Superspectactular Love Stories from 1971. Which no one bought at my store. Except me. I cried myself to sleep that night, hugging the tear-stained volume to my chest, sobbing out-loud: "Why am I so unpopular at school? Why can't I find a boy who likes the titles I like? Why is the dog looking at me so strangely?" Because, you know, I get easily caught up in the spirit of things.

Now, there's a lot of fun to be had in this volume. In fact, you should run, not walk, out to get a copy. Preferably at Big Monkey. It'll be easy to find the book; I'll be standing beside it with a teary visage.

But my favorite part is the centerfold piece:


Who's Ted Long, you ask? I've tried desperately to find some sort of internet trail left by Ted Long. Most of the trails lead back to this comic itself, making it, I suppose, his greatest legacy. Think about that for a while. It's okay, Ted; I appreciate it.

I know at least that he was still making people look fabulous as late as 1997, because he was the key hair stylist on Waiting to Exhale, Panther, Dead Presidents, and Rosewood. And Ted was head stylist for the Today Show in 1971, so, if you'll pardon my saying so, he's had a Long career.


Okay, I'm from the world of 1971; let me annotate this introduction for you. "Super proud"; it's like being "super bad", not like having, say, "superventroloquism". It's not like some guy named Bruce Orgulloso jumps out of a phone booth saying,

"I'll handle this, for I am EGO-MAN! I am super proud, so your insults cannot harm me; my self-esteem is like a shield of steel! Narcissus, the Boy Wonderful, and I will take care of you, Sollipso!"

As cool as that would be. Tommy Roddy, consider it.

As for being a "hip hairdresser" who's "quite a doll"; well, even in 1971-speak, that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay.

Not necessarily, mind you.

How powerful a make-over master is Ted? "He's the gentleman who helps to prettify Barbara Walters..." Whoa. I'm used to comic books introducing me to mind-boggling concepts that challenge the imagination, but, really, "prettify Barbara Walters" is a concept not even Grant Morrison could come up.

BW in 1970. Before, or after? You decide.

Note that Ted "helps" prettify Barbara. In 1971-speak, this means at least two things. One, what he does "helps" but no one's pretending it actually succeeds. Two, there are other people who sisypheanatically try to help roll this rock up the hill. Many other people. The Vaseline Technician. The Baffler. The Cheesecloth Grip. The Unsteadycam Operator. Why, they're all still with her today, on The View:

Well, now that we've established Ted's herculean street cred in having worked on Barbara "Augean" Walters, let's head to his bona fides and teleology:

Okay, Ted, I'm with you so far; I'm already convinced you, Ted Long, know how to take full advantage of all your feminine qualities and become the real you men will love. Even in 1971. No, strike that. Especially in 1971...

A Long Week

I'm away on vacation this week, hiding out in the last place that anyone would ever think to look for me.

Nashville.

Anyway, the Absorbascon must go on, so I sought for inspiration as to what advance posts I could set up.

Which of the industry's powerful questions should I devote an entire week to?

• DC and Marvel's comparative successes at building big-budget movie-making around their properties and its long-term implications for the parent industry of comic books?
• Vertigo's need to find its next must-read series?
• Joey Q's strange treatment of the Ultimates Universe?
• The possibility, given the grudging success of the BND Spider-Man, that other Marvel characters may begin to cast off their continuity-shackles for a fresh "everything old is new again" approach?
• The return of Barry Allen, and how it's part of that exact trend at DC?

Hm... no.

Whaddaya think this is, Newsarama? Besides, despite the urgency of those topics, they are but emphemera, only pebbles on the sands of time at the big Comic Book Beach by the Sea of Lore.

Instead, I want us to address something of eternal concern to all decent people, not just comic book readers (although how one can be a decent person without reading comics, I've never quite understood; I know I can't). Something that affects not just the individual, but society as a whole. Something that all media have addressed, but upon which comic books can give us their own unique perspective.

Thus, this week the Absorbascon will be discussing:

Things That Made Me Happy

in my comics this week.

• I'll say this for Robinson; he's got a good handle on how a dog thinks.
• Nice use of panels on the Rising Sun segment!
• The snood of Atlas.
  
• Reverse-time bullets are exactly the sort of thing the Flash should be dealing with.
• "Run!"
• Every single page -- nearly every panel -- in the DC 100-page Super Spectacular Love Stories.
• So that's what Turpin is there for. I wouldn't have guessed that!
• As wonderful as Batman is, it was nice to see him get totally pwned.
• Now that is a Bloody Mary.
• "Mrs. Kent"; is that not a dead giveaway?

We All Screen for I Screen

My newest project is making video CDs for Big Monkey. They play like DVDs do, and we'll be showing them on the big flat screen. You can add audio to them, but I prefer them to be silent; otherwise, they would start to drive the staff crazy, like the old "Welcome to Our World of Toys" jingle that used to play non-stop at FAO Schwartz. Gods, I hated that song.

Each disc is to have six "chapters". Each chapter is essentially a slide show between 11 to 15 minutes longer (at the rate of change and with the transition modes I'm using, that's between 30 to 55 slides).

I want to make many of them (at least eight, to start with), so that the same disc isn't playing every hour of every day. Here are some examples of the slide shows I've already composed.

Character Precis
Designed to familiarize neophytes with various characters. There's two slides for each character: one that's a picture or wallpaper shot with a sentence of two about the character, and another that shows various titles and books in which the characters appears. And which you should buy. A lot of.

Hulk Gallery
Pictures of the Hulk, unannotated, doing Hulk-y things.

History of the Golden Age of Comics
Basically, the "Golden Age for Dummies", presented chronologically.

Memorial to a Martian
Lots of (mostly wacky) pictures of the late Martian Manhunter, unannotated.

The Art of Neal Adams
A picture or two of the artist himself, then lots of examples of his work.

The History of the Black Canary
Kind of like the Character Precis, but focusing on one character, showing and explaining the stages of their evolution.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H!
Lots of panels of stretchy guys doing stretchy things. You know; Mister Fantastic, Elongated Man, Elastic Lad, Madame Rouge.

Romance Comics Covers
Talk about automatic entertainment!

The Senate versus Comic Books
Explaining the Senate hearings, the Comics Code Authority, and how the "Wertham Era" was the transition between the Golden Age and the Silver Age. Lot of work to make, but very educational.

The goal is for the six chapters on any disc to be of different types, for variety's sake. Some light character and content overviews, some deep character profiles, some broad industry history, some creator profiles/galleries, some simple themed galleries of pics. You know; like a mix tape for a party.

Already, I can perceive some "standard" slideshow formats:

The Artist Portfolio
I've already done Gil Kane and Neal Adams. There's plenty more!

The Character History
Particularly useful for focusing people on whose books could use some pumping.

The Themed Gallery
Some simple, like pics of one particular character. Some more topical like "Heroes Getting Hit With Pies". Some combos, like "Hal Jordan Getting Hit in the Head".

Industry History
Having done the Golden Age and the Wertham Era, how can I not do the other ages (Silver, Bronze, Iron, and Platinum)?

Comics Explained
It's so easy to take what we know about comics for granted. Having some of it explained simply would help a lot of newcomers: "Comic Book Terminology"; "The Creator Roles"; "The Anatomy of a Comic Book".

The Character Precis
I think this sort of on-going in-house "Who's Who" project is essential for helping mainstream comics make sense to people.

Genres Explored
All About Western/Sci Fi/Horror/Etc. Comics. A little history but focused toward relationship with other media and What You Can Be Buying Now.

The Quiz
Like they play at the cinema before the film begins.

I have some ideas that particularly tickle me, like the Comics Code Illustrated, clause by clause. "Gallery of Sound Effects". "Villains Screaming". "The Comic Book Family Photo Album".

But I could always use more ideas. If this were at your store, what would you like on the screen? What do you think would be good to edu-tain newcomers to comics?

Questioning the Hulk

Last night I went to see the Incredible Hulk with a friend.

It wasn't bad. But I'm hard-pressed to say it was good. As my friend put it, "Why was the Hulk himself the most believable thing in the movie?"

Honestly, I loved the Ang Lee version; very artsy, perfect capturing of the feel of reading a comic book. It just needed 50 to 70 percent less Nick Nolte blathering and 50 to 70 percent more Naked Eric Bana. But I always watch it again if I happen upon it on the television. I'm not sure I'd be as interested in seeing this new version a second time.

This new version just raised too many questions... .

• So. Mr. Blue just kinda ... never mentioned what he was so excitedly planning?
• Was Stan Lee's cameo designed with my wish fulfillment in mind, or is that just happy coincidence?
• Has there ever been a cheaper short-cut to "this guy's an asshole" than tranqing the dog?
  
• Isn't "We don't have any condoms and the world's not ready for Skaar: The Movie" a better reason than "Our lovemaking would undoubtedly be so athletically rigorous that it would push my heart rate above 95% of maximum?"
• Doesn't anyone notice that Betty Ross has been kidnapped and replaced by Natasha from the Bullwinkle Show?
• Do they really think generals get drunk at public bars in uniform rather than changing or were they just afraid we wouldn't be able to recognize him without it?
• Could Tim Roth have been more wrong for his role? Couldn't they hire someone more appropriate like, say, Alan Cummings, Paul Reubens, or Tim Curry?
• Did you too wonder what the exact sequence of events was that took us from Point A (Hulk carrying Betty off out flaming debris in the middle of college campus while surrounded by the military) to Point B (cave, wet, rainy, night)?
• So, did they loan Blonsky a U.S. uniform 'cuz his British one was, I dunno, at the cleaners?
• Wait... so that guy's only function in the whole movie is to call General Ross a liar?
• Are Manhattanites -- even Marvel ones -- that stupid that they don't just get out of the way?
• Bruce, forget about the Hulk problem; don't you think you should see a cardiologist immediately, given your inappropriate heart rates?
• Could Ross be any less effective at keeping his soldiers -- to say nothing of his daughter -- out of harm's way?
• Do you think there's a lot of blood in South American soda?
• Does the Hulk not know the difference between "smash" and "choke"?
• And she had a camera with her why, exactly?
• Is it legal for William Hurt to continue receive an actor salary, even though he's clearly dead?
• Does Betty Ross have that same disease everybody gets in The Happening?

Central City, the Musical

"Central City" is sung to the tune of "Oklahoma"... 

Great big place!

Great big place, gonna take up space! Gonna give you towers, turrets and skyscrapers, sidewalk fer the battle, villains to pull capers! Towers on the prairie where the Flash bugs Zoom, Plen'y of air and plen'y of room, Plen'y of room to string a dope! Plen'y of depth and plen'y of scope.

Central City, where the Flash comes sweepin' down the lane And gorillas greet on every street When the wind comes right behind the rain.

Central City, Ev'ry month Kid Flash is gonna try 

Some how to talk to some man-hawk,

fightin' giant insects in the sky. 

The town we belong to is grand And you know that we long to expand! And when we say "Yeeow! Hey, Scipio is gay!" 

We're only sayin' You're mighty large, Central City! Central City, I'll say! 

Central City, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain And a wavin' arm can sure do harm When the wind comes right behind the rain. Central City, 

ev'ry month its citizens and I 

Stand on a sidewalk 

and point and gawk

at the fallin' airplanes in the sky. We know that our streets can't be spanned And our city's too large to be scanned! And when we say Yeeow! Agoraphobi-ay! 

We're only sayin' 

You're really large, Central City! Central City, I'll say. 

 We know we've consumed the Heartland because all of our growth is unplanned! And when we say Yeeow! Ain't Vandal Savage fey?! We're only sayin' You're growin' large, Central City! Central City I'll say, Hell - of- an - M. -S.- A. Central City! Yeeow!

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• God Squad collectible cards.
• Are there really women who'd rather kick your ass then talk things out, and, if so, aren't they terribly, terribly popular?
• "Inertia". Tom Peyer is a very clever man and you should read his comics.
• Kids; they grow up so fast, don't they, Wally?
• C'mon, Batman; even I knew you were about to get throttled!
• "Define 'okay'." If you're not reading SuperFriends, you're missing some of the best characterization on the stands.
• B-black Canary... being a.. a leader? In two different books?! I almost fainted!
• I can't believe a read a comic where the villain is Ding Dong Daddy; and I loved it.
• "Did she use kryptonite?" God he's such a moron.
• When Batman tells you to clean your cave, you do it.
  
• Superman baking a loaf a bread... the size of a factory.
• Firestorm pulls a Jordan.
• Kirby is a good name for a dog.
• Don't knock her up? I can't believe I read that. I can't believe he said that. Not even him.
• So, from whom do you think Vixen borrowed the ability to make her ariolae disappear? Hawkgirl, maybe?
• Wow; don't **** with Catwoman. Will Pfeiffer is a very clever man and you should read his comics.
• "Who in their right mind would build a remote-controlled pie?"
• Red Tornado = peeping tom.
• Aqualad gets some advice.
  
• So, are Deadman and Green Arrow the most perfect pair, or what?
• Poor, sweet, Donna!
  
• Not to be mean, but it really is refreshing to see Superman knocked out in one punch.
• "No! Don't open the plastic!" I think I laughed for a solid minute when I read that.
• Superman and Hal Jordan giving relationship advice, in their own specials ways.
• "How long have we worked together?" Um, maybe six issues or so?
• Cho = Hylas. Brilliant. FredVan Lente is a very clever man and you should read his comics.

Comic Book Positioning Systems

Like virtually all guys, I love maps. Except for some Gleason work and some of my own abstracts, all the art in my house is maps. Many are of DC, which, as an artificial city, is all about the map.

But, for the most part, the maps I would treasure most ... simply don't exist. Specifically, the maps of the cities of the DCU.

As mentioned many times, I'm a big fan of the fictionopolis. I believe that it;s the most important supporting character any hero can have. Ever read Terminal City? I loved that book, because, really, the city itself isn't just a character, it's the character; all the human characters are part of its details.

Does DC think its readers don't care? Seems impossible. People love to "geek out" on the fullness of their fictional universes. While I wouldn't want a DC version of Marvel's ridiculously detailed tech manuals, I don't think asking for maps of cities we've been reading about for decades is asking too much. For pity's sake, the closest thing I've even seen to an actual map (rather than just a drawing) of Metropolis was this map from the Superman Returns movie.
And that map look, ahem, a bit too familiar. Why, I think I could more readily sketch of map of old Krypton than of Metropolis!

Are they afraid having set geography will limit the writers too much? Seems silly. It certainly hasn't held anyone back from writing Batman stories, and Gotham City is rich in maphood, as Chris Roberson has fully noted. Seems to me like having a map of the city in front of you is more likely to inspire stories, than inhibit them.

DC; please do the following.

Break down and hire Eliot R. Brown to design maps of your other major fictionpolises (Coast City, Star City, Metropolis, Central City and Keystone) and even minor and obscure ones (Ivy Town, Calvin City, Circle City, Vanity, Apex City, Opal City, Hub City, Midway, Sub Diego).

Make them unique somehow. The creation of Opal City was James Robertson's real achievement in writing Starman; follow his example, and be certain each city is a character not just a place.

Put them on posters and postcards and sell them to us.


Why on earth-one has this not happened yet?!