The Mod Mindbending Eyewear of Treachery!

glasses
Originally uploaded by Scipio1.

In response to H's swift solution to our most recent Stupid Hero Quote, Absorbascon regular Jer pleads, "Wait - you can't leave us hanging like that. We need DETAILS, man! What sort of story would lead to a quote like that from Superman? *choke*"

Your wish is my command, Jer! The answer is, your typical Supergirl story in 1972 *sigh*, the kind that only E. Nelson Bridwell could have concocted.

Supergirl is clothes shopping (she did that a lot; was she Superman's cousin or Katy Keene's?). A pushy saleslady shoves a pair of sunglasses on her, which, as one would expect in 1972, were mind-control specs devised by a world-conquering alien who says things like, "Silence! A situation has arisen that will permit us to witness this creature's amazing speed and power!" I just love it when villains say, "Silence!"

Supergirl is forced to trick Clark Kent into wearing a pair of mod mindbending eyewear and he in turn tries to foist them upon the JLA. The plot might seem familiar, because one of the Star Trek the Next Generation writers remembered the issue and lifted the plot entirely for a Wesley-saves-the-day episode (Hi, Wil!).

There's also a soul-renching subplot of familial conflict between the alien conqueror, his brother, and a fuzzy magenta subhuman. I know I wept.

Like many circa-1972 stories, you could devote one entire weblog to exploring its wackiness and nothing else for an entire year...

The Joker, On Style

"Hmm! And that gives me a tremendous idea -- an idea that only the Joker could think of! Ha ha! Slapsy, go out and get me some baking dough, a picture frame, some firecrackers, and some barrels of red paint!"
The Joker, "The Wizard of Words"

He is the ultimate villain...in so many ways! But by far his greatest virture as a villain is his style: the clothes, the clues, the theme crimes, the joy he takes in his work. Other villains scheme painfully for years and ruin their lives just to have their revenge on one person (that reminds me, must visit Animal-Master in prison). But for the Joker, a stick of chewing gum or discarded soda bottle will inspire a series of heists that net him millions of dollars, force Batman to wear a French maid's costume while spanking Robin with a hairbrush, and increase tooth decay in Gotham by 12 percent.

In the hands of a regular criminal, even the robbery of Fort Knox can seem quotidian. In the hands of the Joker, the robbery of hot dog stand can become a work of art.

All because of style!

The Animal-Master, On Purpose

Drab little peons, staggering mindlessly to your next task, like mechanical drones! Oh, sorry; ahem, I had a wad of villainly caught in my throat.

Ah, that's better. Still the point remains valid: a life without purpose is a life without meaning. But who knows that better than villains? Such as "the Animal-Master", a criminal lion-tamer whom Aquaman unknowingly strands on a desert island during his getaway...

"I must live ... to revenge myself on Aquaman! ... How long must I suffer from thirst, hunger, and the burning sun? B-but I must hang on so that I can have vengeance! I must destroy Aquaman for what he did to me! I-I made it! You hear me Aquaman? I made it! I-I don't know how or when...but I'll g-get my revenge! You'll pay for ruining my plans!"

The Animal-Master, "Aquaman Duels the Animal-Master", Adventure 261, June 1959

Regular saps find staying alive enough of a reason to stay alive (certainly when we're stranded on desert islands). The Animal-Master finds a greater purpose.

Escaping from the island? No, he stays there a whole year, although when he finally throw out a message in a bottle he's rescued in a week (Aquaman's fish buds look for stuff like that).

Opening a moneymaking wildlife preserve? No, even though he's found and could therefore claim ownership of an island where leopards, lions, elephants, water buffalo, and (since this is DC) gorillas live.

Overcoming, through steady practice, what is obviously a severe stuttering problem? N-no!

DESTROYING AQUAMAN.

As you might have guessed, that didn't work out. So what do you think the Animal-Master says as (I kid you not) a school of flying-fish carry him off to prison in a fishing net?

"I-I'll get you for this, Aquaman! Some day, after I finish my prison sentence, I'll have my revenge!"

Kanjar Ro, on Humility

Despite their Confidence, most true villains are pretty darned humble, so humble that it gives me a special glow all over. Take, for example, the original bug-eyed bandit, Kanjar Ro:

"Ah! My super-brain now understands all the mysteries of nature and the universe!"
Kanjar Ro, "Decoy Missions of the Justice League!"

Okay, Kanjar Ro may not sound particularly humble. But consider: a guy from some distant planet suddenly acquires an understanding of all the mysteries of nature and the universe. Which is a lot. Yet instead of using those powers to end suffering on a thousand planets, earning the grateful devotion and love of every sentient being he encounters, and making himself the most exalted creature that ever lived, Kanjar Ro chooses immediately to humble himself by 'sailing' to Earth in his moronic-looking cosmic boat to have his hiney whooped by the Justice League.

The more impressive and powerful you are the more important it is to be humble; but, of course, that's one of the mysteries of nature and the universe that Kanjar Ro understands!

Black Adam, on Confidence

"At last, I've reached Earth, after flying for 5000 years from the farthest star, where I was banished by old Shazam! The world is certainly different today than what it was when last I knew it! But I will conquer and rule it!"
Black Adam, "The Might Marvels Join Forces!"

Wow! Even though you have the power to level mountains, and an old guy in a dress and sandals poofed you off to a distant star. Even though you're entering the world that harnessed the power of the atom and your idea of technology is the inclined plane. Even though you are so naive that you are about to be defeated by Uncle Dudley, perhaps comicdom's most death-deserving buffoon (not counting Stan Lee).

Still, your third sentence after arriving on Earth is: "But I will conquer and rule it!"

*sniff* If we all had that kind of confidence, think what a world this would be!

The Icicle, on Logic

"The trouble with being a super-criminal has always been the fact that the Justice Society...or... the Justice League...always catches us!"
The Icicle, "Crisis on Earth-One!"

You wouldn't ordinarily think of the fairly colorless Icicle as an exemplar of, well, anything, let alone logic. But there's a reason he's a true villain, not just a thug with a freeze gun.

Through his superior reasoning abilities, he has hit upon the crux of the "super-criminal" problem. This is particularly impressive since it seems to have escaped the notice of all his colleagues....

Chronos, on Fairness

"Guard yourself, Batman! My time numerals will shock you senseless if they touch you!"
Chronos, "Crisis on Earth-One!"

Okay, circumstances pit you against Batman. Batman, the one-man thwarting machine for whom the word "outwit" was invented. Batman, who once made a telegraph out of some loose change and a glass of saltwater. Batman, who mastered every known science and discipline, honed his body to peak physical perfection, and became an unparalled martial artist and the world's greatest detective in precisely TWO panels.

You, fortunately, have one of those surreal silver age devices that can fry his great brain, gelatinize his olympic-level musculature, and leave him a twitching lab frog to be prodded for your amusement.

Any simple crook would just use the device. But it takes a villain to warn Batman before doing so. That's fairness!