Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Sims 4: Hal...Keggers & Preggers

 You remember Sim-Hal Jordan.

Because he remembers you, good-lookin'.
But not your name.

His pre-reboot Sim started auspiciously enough. I gave him a military job, a converted airplane field for a home, and, to spare him (and me) the complexity of stewardess-chasing, started him off married to...

Kyro, his Venutian helper.

Do you really need to ask why?

This Unambiguously Gay Duo--Hal, the stolid, reliable, but clumsy military man, and Kyro, the devoted  homemaker and craftsman--would kill it as domestic partners, I thought.  And maybe they would have... had it not been for Barry Allen.

Being Hal's best friend, Barry was over all the time (Hal had given him a key, which, like many of Hal's ideas, was a bad one).  Barry, you see, doesn't need to SLEEP.  There's a perk system in the Sims whereby if the Sims accomplish enough of their goals, they get to choose new traits and "level up".  Most of the perks are low-level things like "being more welcome in people's homes" or "enjoying working out". But some extremely costly ones have extreme benefits like: Never Weary.  I'll skip the details, but Barry, being a tool, perfectly gamed the system during college, stacking up huge racks of skill and accomplishments points for himself.  That way, he basically started adult life with a bunch of "superpowers".  Like never needing to sleep.

Dance, Barry, dance.

Which meant Barry would show up--with a retinue of super-friends in tow--at Hal's house at any and all hours, ready to party. And, Hal, having no willpower, would always join in.  Meaning the house was often messy and the household underslept, underwashed, and underfed.  Barry's house, meanwhile, remained as neat as a pin.

In fairness: Hal's house cries out to be partied in.

Then I realized that Barry was egging Hal on into doing stupid stunts at work and in public, like filling people's lockers with shaving cream. 

"...and then the LLAMA would already be IN the taxi!" 
"Yeah, Hal; that sounds like it would be great."

Then Hal would get in trouble, while Barry was winning science awards.  Similarly, every time would ask Barry, do you think Kyro and I should have kids, Barry (probably pondering his most recent debate with Ray on what point in the period table the innermost electron cloud reaches the speed of light) would blithely agree.

"Should we try RIGHT NOW in front of you?" 
"Yeah, Hal; that sounds like it would be great." 

Then Hal and Kyro would have another baby. Kyro, being an alien, had been set to allow pregnancy, and every time I departed one of Barry & Hal's parties to attend to other households I would come back to find another baby.  

Here they are with their three resultant children, who, even though they are genetically human like Hal, are blue, because that's a dominant gene from Kyro.

Hal's older son has found adolescence quite, um, liberating. Which worries Kyro, but Hal's like "You do you, kid!", which the kid does, as well as anyone else he can find, which is a dominant gene from Hal.

But, wait, you say. There's a fourth child, the little one in the bomber jacket talking to Hal. That's right. Because the fourth one isn't Kyro's; it's just Hal's

But it's still Barry's fault.  Barry (who never sleeps) was bored one night and invented a trans-dimensional portal to the alien planet of Sixam. So, rather than go by himself he asked J'onn and Hal along because one's an alien and the other a xenophile.  Barry calmly collected samples while Hal ran around making a spectacle of himself, like always.  

Later, back on Sim-earth, Barry convinced Hal to have a costume party for Halloween. Barry came dressed as the Flash (exactly the kind of thing he does) and Hal came dressed as a "Space Ranger".

Barry, costumed as the Flash, because he's That Guy.

"Do you think I'd look good in a Space Ranger costume?"
"Yeah, Hal; that sounds like it would be great." 

I think that last part was the final straw: an alien spaceship came to abduct costumed Hal in the middle of the party. You see, the more a Sim interacts with aliens and outer space, the more likely they are to get abducted.  I'd been playing the Sims for 20 years and never had an alien abduction. Leave it to Hal, whose origin is literally 'gets abducted by aliens to become a space ranger.'  

They returned him later; severely dazed, but... it's Hal, so no biggie.  Unless you're pregnant, as Hal was. You see, aliens sometimes impregnate human males they abduct; the chances are low, but this is Hal we're talking about. So THIS time when I came back a week or so after the party and found a crib, it was HAL who had had the baby. Fortunately, the game knows how unfair this is, and lets you send the baby off to its alien world to be raised, never to be heard from again.

But... this is Hal we're talking about.  Sending this unplanned baby from an unknown parent to its homeworld was the sensible thing to do, especially when you already have three children you're barely keeping up with. But Hal's a xenophile and never does the sensible thing, so of course I let him keep the baby. That's him--Liam--in the black suit.

"Father,  I am not certain I understand this invisible box game."
"It's just for a photo op, kiddo; gimme a sec, I think your brother's gonna throw up again...
 Hey, there, sport! Little too much tequila last night...?"

I have mostly abandoned this pre-reboot universe; reboot Hal still lives with Kyro but they are just pals. Hal is single and parties with stewardesses (and Barry) at the disco I built for him at the back of the Coast City airport.

I'm sure that one would fit right in.

But I just love that kid Liam, so I occasionally go back during holidays to see how he's faring among the savages. And Hal is a great father (Level 10 Parenting).

"Father, my calculations indicate we've reached the optimum gift revelation period."
"Thanks, kiddo; we're gonna wait for Kyro, though."
"The foodgiver?" 
"Yeah, let's not call him that out loud, okay, kiddo?"

"Dad, please tell that little freak to get over here so we can open our presents?!"
"Elation! The foodgiver is here! I am ready for sustenance!"
"I swear, Hal, if he calls me that ONE MORE TIME--"
"Don't worry, Barry; I got this."
"Yeah, Hal; that sounds like it would be great."

"Father, everyone's minds agree that your gift to the foodgiver was embarrassingly substandard."
"Thanks, kiddo. Did you mean to telepath that? Cuz you said it out loud."
"OH! Mortification!"
"Don't sweat it, kiddo. Your turn!"

"I am helping to clean up the emulsified trash in this bag,
Father, as I deserve the Responsible Trait!'

"Liam, where's your brother?"
"... Father asked me to get rid of the trash."
"Hey, Bar, glad you could join us; lemme call you next week, okay?"

"Yeah, Hal; that sounds like it would be great."


John C said...

You know, after seeing reboot after reboot constantly trying to make Hal into something that nobody ever designed him to be (an ex-military officer and space-cop), Hal as the patriarch of a family sitcom makes a surprising amount of sense.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I recognize that costume party panel; that Sandman there is the hit of the party, even though he was the only one dressed as a "fictional" character. Even as a kid that bugged me.

John C - they've always had trouble figuring out what to do with Hal, because the original vision seems to have been "endlessly brave, resourceful, clever, and victorious". There just isn't much to work with there. I find Hal works best if you think of him like a wandering Western lawman, protecting the townsfolk stretched across the Wild 2814. Kyro is Miss Kitty.